cantthinkstraightcuzimnot

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

i have bpd. a while ago i decided to take the healing path to do better and finally earn control over my life. i decided to stop being miserable and angry. i chose peace and happiness. and i’m glad, i truly am.

but i swear some of you imbeciles are basically begging me to loose my sanity and go fucking nuts at this point.

and no, in case that happens i will not count that as taking a step backwards. some of y’all stupid fuckers need to learn some good manners and self criticism for fuck’s sake.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

TW// implied CSA

To Deform A Lamb

and when my eyes glanced at your figure shadowing by

i was a lamb once again

child and naive

had your black stains been on my white coat for too long to remember

eyes wide and empty by the void you gifted me

trembling under my long lost pastor

not pretty nor innocent anymore

distant from the shared memories you have purposely engraved in yourself

now standing at you with my deformed soul

skull spiked under my skin pushing against my sockets

the lamb’s vain attempt at making its own eyes fall to dirty hooves

because if i don’t see you

you won’t loathe the abhorrence your past creation is.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

bpd culture is having to remind yourself that you have zero survival instincts cuz last night I physically fought off a big ass drunk dude that was trying to beat up my pookie (also a big ass dude for context) and the thought that maybe I wasn’t really necessary and that I could’ve gotten hurt really bad didn’t even cross my mind

10/10 would do it againg tho nobody touches my pookie

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

CW // brief CSA mention (implied)

not the usual sad vent but for the first time ever I’m finally experiencing a healthy sexual life that is not rooted in the trauma that I had to experience

I can finally relax and enjoy that beautiful moment with my partner without getting triggered or having intrusive thoughts about it

I just feel a genuine connection and bond with him where I can allow myself to feel and be vulnerable and the fact that I used to have sex as a form of punishment seems so distant now

I can feel myself healing and I can’t wait for what still has to come

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

CW//CSA

one of the worst things about the impact that my CSA has on my daily life is how I see my mom.

she's never done anything to me in that sense, and I really care about her.

but she reminds me so much about my actual abuser.

they're both my parental figures, my mom in a literal sense and the other in a not blood-related way.

it's been a couple of years since I went almost no contact with that person.

and at the same time I started having the same agry/scared reactions towards my mother like I did with my abuser.

I can't even count how many showers I took after my mom hugged unexpectedly and how many times I had to literally restrain myself from going into full fight mode with her just because she looked at me while I was wearing shorts.

and the worst thing is that, although I am setting boundaries with her to avoid those situations as much as possible, I don't have the heart to tell her.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

CW // mentions of pedophilia

thinking about the time where I was attending a catholic school and a priest told me that the simple leggings and t-shirt I was wearing were revealing my butt too much

I was twelve and he was fifty

Just recently found out through my partner- who used to go to my school in the afternoon to play football- that the same priest was caught peeking in the girls changing room in the elementary section

welcome to christianity, one of the most respected worldwide cults made up by pedophiles who condemn people to burn in hell for simply existing but allow fucking children systematically

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

talking dirty in my native language makes my brain fucking evaporate from cringing

english? imma be the sluttiest of the sluts baby you're gonna hear heaven on earth

italian? please don't ever ask me to do that or I will cry

it sounds so awful I'm not even kidding

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

CW // SA

just a quick reminder to all the people dating someone who's experienced some kind of sexual trauma:

stop👏making👏it👏about👏you

if your partner gets triggered during sex, CONTROL YOURSELF.

I know that initially you might feel responsible, but for fuck's sake try to understand the fact that it's just TRAUMA being PROCESSED.

because the moment you start saying things like "omg what have I done" "I'm such a bad person" "I just r@ ped you" you are just making things WORSE.

not only because you are most likely making your partner panick even more and feeling more guilty than they already do, while at the same time not providing them with the care they deserve.

but also because they might not feel safe anymore to tell you no or to ask you to stop in the middle of it since they now fear your reaction.

so just comfort them, help them calm down and DONT.MAKE.IT.ABOUT.YOU.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

we need feminism because I've just been to an all girls birthday party (except for the token trans masc aka me) and we talked for over an hour about the "funniest" harassment we've experienced.

we laughed at fucking harassment.

and we had to do it.

because otherwise we would have spent the entire night- and life- crying.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

just realized that I am, in fact, an irl possible mpreg and I honestly don't know how to feel about this

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

I'll never forget the way I felt when I finally put all the pieces back togheter

as if I heard a click and the picture was finally whole

the heavy weight of my own fractured memories

the following denial

the desperation that started eating me alive

and most importantly,

the realization

the realization that from that point on, I would have been forced to live a miserable life

because I was no longer able to escape reality

I was trapped once again

til my very end.

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

I'd rather rot in hell for the eternity instead of lowering my head for a god that allowed all of this

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

TW//SA

can I PLEASE just get through one year without getting sexually assaulted?

Like seriously, whoever is writing my story has no imagination

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

TW // csa and graphic content

Y'all ever feel bad? But not like, just sad or empty or whatever (wich is still shit)

Rather like when the only thought of someone even looking at you makes you vomit and you just want to dig your nails so hard into your flesh that you can smell the blood from miles away

You want to rip your skin off of your muscles and remove those too

You just want to be made of bones only and set fire to them

That way no one will be able to even think about using you just like other people did

Because there's literally nothing left of you to abuse

Or is it just my traumatized ass