cbunny9

[cbunny9]

Thursday (01.11.24)

(Day 32/Whaddup)

This blog has reminded me of why I’ve never had a blog; I just can’t prioritize it in my brain lol. And by the time I have a second my brain is totally dead. It’s not totally dead right now but it’s getting there.

However, the longer I let myself go saying, “I’ll do it tomorrow”, it will get harder and harder to actually bring myself to do it, so here we are. I really tried to make it a thing where I have my dinner mindfully with tumblr open to log my thoughts, but it just didn’t stick. I can’t decide if it was because mindful dinners (mindful meals in general tbh) are still so difficult, or if it’s just that “blogging” in general isn’t for me lmao.

Time is weird in program.

Like cognitively I know it’s only been a few weeks since I last posted here but my body truly feels like it’s been months lol. It sounds cliché and corny but I actually do feel like a different person. I finally kind of feel like a real adult now? Like I’d just been masquerading as one for a while, but now I’m caught up with all the years I lost being a parentified child. If that makes sense.

Tomorrow is my last day doing partial hospitalization before stepping down to intensive outpatient and going back to work :)

My treatment team and I agree that it’s probably time. Recently I’ve been feeling like meals in program and in my home have been “too easy”. I’ve learned so much about how to properly nourish myself and have started building a healthier relationship with food, eating, and my body. On the other hand, being outside of my house without food planned and/or packed is still extremely stressful for me. So yeah …. the things I need to work on are out in the real world. Stepping down to a lower level of care will allow me to work on them, and challenge myself in the ways I need to be challenged.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but my boyfriend has been so enthusiastic and supportive through this whole thing. He has expressed how happy for and proud of me he is, and the fact that we can actually enjoy food together has been so impactful to our relationship. Where it felt like maybe there was a slight disconnect before, we’re able to be more deeply present with each other than ever.

Okay, now my brain is starting to really turn off lol.

I’m so grateful to past Me for making this choice for herself. I’m also so proud of her.

I’m proud of myself.

Thank you to whoever is out there reading this. Please take care of yourself.

I’m sending all my peace & love.

x

[cbunny9]

I really haven’t been great about updating my blog but check out this dope painting I saw @ the Brooklyn Museum this afternoon. It literally took my breath away.

Albert Bierstadt, A Storm in the Rocky Mountains, Mt. Rosalie, 1866

[cbunny9]

Thursday, 12.21.23

(Day 17/Update)

I’m trying to not put so much pressure on myself to write something here every day, but also I kind of have been caught up in the whirlwind of navigating treatment inside and outside of program. It’s hard to know what exactly would be interesting to document here. I guess it doesn’t really matter. My perfectionism is showing.

Things have been going as well as I guess they could be. It feels difficult some days and easier on others, and I’m actively working to not gaslight myself into believing I’m just “taking up space” on the days that I feel good. I’m continuing to learn a lot about myself and my disorder, and I’m learning how to separate myself from it. I’ve been doing okay with meal completion; desserts are hard but I’m working on it.

On Monday night I saw my coworkers for the first time since I started treatment and it was magical. I was relieved and so happy to be in a space with people who have really known me for a long time and who I feel comfortable being myself around. A lot of them were not sure why exactly I was out of work, and I ended up telling them I’m in treatment for an eating disorder. They all had about the same reaction which was, “Really? I never would have guessed,” which means I get an A+ in having an ED lmao /s

Every time I told someone else I could feel the weight of carrying the truth alone lifting off my shoulders bit by bit. I also ended up feeling more connected to and close with my coworkers by the end of the night, as well as incredibly supported. One of my coworkers who was sitting next to me kept making sure I was getting enough of the food I wanted to try, as well as asking if any of the plates made me uncomfortable to sit in front of and if I wanted her to move them away for me …. I just felt so so so seen and cared for …. overwhelmed but in the best way.

I’m starting to learn it feels pretty good to let people in.

Um needless to say though I’ve been having a hard time committing to my “no distractions” dinner at home lol. I think I’ve been so anxious this week that I couldn’t even think about being alone with my thoughts, especially while I’m eating at home. Maybe this weekend I can try one meal a day with no distractions, just to ease myself into it outside of program. All week I’m eating every meal except for dinner with no distractions. Maybe it just feels like a lot right now to have every meal with no distractions on top of all the work I’m doing in treatment during the day.

Anyway, I’m about to walk into the building. It’s Thursday. I’m almost through my third full week. I’m feeling more present and clear. Some things are still a struggle but that’s why I’m in program in the first place.

Thanks to anyone for reading.

Peace & love all around x

PS. The holidays are hard. Grant yourself a little grace.

[cbunny9]

Wednesday, 12.13.23

(Day 11/Dinnertime Thoughts)

Here I am again, attempting to be present with myself and my thoughts. And my food.

Dinnertime mindfulness.

I’ve quickly gotten into the habit of making myself “comfort” dinners after program; just things that are easy and familiar but still fit into the meal plan they gave me. Some days I come home with a little energy to cook, but most often I come home with little to no energy so I just want to make something I don’t have to think too much about and is easy for me to eat. Tonight that something is an egg sandwich with three eggs, some spinach, and ketchup.

When I first started opening up to my outpatient therapist about my issues with food a year or so ago, her suggestion to me was to start making foods that I enjoyed when I was a kid. My mom used to make us egg sandwiches all the time, so I started making them for myself when I was low on energy. The first time I did this for myself I remembered that, growing up, I would see the other kids’ sandwiches at lunch were cut diagonally and, despite wishing my mom would also cut mine diagonally, I never felt like I could ask her to do that for me.

I can remember always being afraid to ask for things or to stand up for myself. I still am in a lot of ways. I guess it’s because I’ve always felt I don’t deserve it, or I don’t feel like my wants and needs are important enough to even be presented.

The only problem I have with taking my time eating so far is that my food gets lukewarm lol.

[cbunny9]

Tuesday, 12.12.23

(Day 10/Evening Thoughts)

My dietician is encouraging me to have meals at home with zero distraction, since most of the time I’m home and eating I have on something to watch. I’m learning this is emotionally-driven avoidance behavior. I tend to rush through meals, and always have some sort of content playing on my laptop while I’m eating. She also said that journaling is not technically a distraction, so I might start using my dinner time at home to write here. I also really need to buy a little kitchen table. Right now I don’t have a designated place for sitting and eating other than my couch, which maybe is just another way I’ve chosen to avoid my thoughts and feelings surrounding food/eating/taking care of myself and my body.

I’m finding my brain searching desperately for some sort of distraction to latch onto. I’m finished eating my dinner, I can’t tell if I took my time more than usual or not. I’m not sure if writing here helps or not. I’m also so brain dead from the week already. This shit is really hard work, and I’m just now realizing I haven’t been giving myself much credit. I’ve had an eating disorder for more than half my life, since single digits, and I’m now actively trying to rewire my brain. There’s nothing easy about that. I need to give myself more props.

Win of the day: I ate half the brownie they gave us for dessert today instead of not eating it at all. I didn’t feel great afterward but I did it.

[cbunny9]

Tuesday, 12.12.23

(Day 10/Monday Reflection)

Yesterday felt really difficult.

I guess some good context to have for yesterday and today is the fact that, when I had my intake assessment, they initially recommended that I go inpatient. My insurance only covers inpatient at 60% once I meet my deductible of $4k. (That would have looked like paying them upwards of $1k for four days, and then paying a little over $500 a day for the length of my stay.)

However, partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient are both covered by my insurance at 100%. (I’m still sort of waiting for someone to tell me about a surprise payment of some kind lol.) I think legally they can’t really let me choose what I want when they’ve made a clinical recommendation for a higher level of care, so I’ve been on a “10 day trial” to see if this middle ground level of care will be helpful or hurtful to me.

No pressure though lol.

It made it difficult last week to be present, as well as compassionate with myself any time I wasn’t able to entirely complete a meal in program. All I kept thinking was, “I’m going to get kicked out, they’re going to kick me out,” which today I can logically understand would not actually be the case.

My brain was really foggy and filled with garbage yesterday. A lot of negative self-talk, as well as finding myself projecting those thoughts onto everyone in groups by assuming they would be having the same negative thoughts about me if I shared or opened up in any way. It resulted in me being pretty shut down most of the day. I did manage 100% meal completion yesterday though. Maybe because I was just totally dissociated. I’m really not sure. I didn’t even really like the lunch they gave us, but I ate it all anyway. Win?

I had an appointment with my outpatient therapist after program yesterday and as soon as I was in her office I just started sobbing. She and I have been working together for maybe almost 5 years, so obviously she knows me super well and understands me. I was just relieved to see her and be in a room I know is entirely safe for me to let my guard down. I’ve only been in treatment for just under two weeks, so of course my team doesn’t know me really at all yet. But I’m finding it hard not to keep at least one wall up, even if it’s a thin one.

In a lot of ways I feel more free to be transparent when I’m in program, but in a lot of other ways I feel very isolated and misheard. I’m not sure what’s worse; being misheard or not being heard at all.

My outpatient therapist encouraged me to talk about all these feelings during groups in program. I’m afraid of how the things I say might land with other people in the group.

I’m learning that I literally have a codependent relationship with the entire world.

No pressure though.

[cbunny9]

Friday, 12.08.23

(Day 8/AM Thoughts)

My body and I are on the same team.

For a long time my body and I, despite being on opposite teams, have both been captive. My ED has been our captor.

I’m remembering how I was moving through my day regarding food just a week and a half ago; if I were to separate myself and my body from my ED and personify them it would look like us in a cage, entirely at the mercy of our keeper, who dangles some scraps just outside of the bars every once in a while so we’re not being totally starved. They’re doing the bare minimum to keep us alive.

When I hold that picture in my head I know for sure I would never want to be in that situation, obviously. I would also never want to see anyone else in that situation. But I’ve actively been living that way. I’ve actively been starving my body. And for what? Because society and the environment I grew up in have convinced me that being small = having greater value.

I haven’t been on my body’s team. I’ve been on my ED’s team because I’m afraid they’ll pull the trigger if I try to start inching away from the gun they’re holding to my head.

This morning I also thought to myself, “I don’t want to hate my body anymore.”

There’s no gunshots yet.

[cbunny9]

Wednesday, 12.06.23

(Day 6/Intro)

Okay, so where do I start?

Im a 32 year old lady who is currently one week into a partial hospitalization program to address my eating disorder (not otherwise specified). As someone in the program commented today, they can’t remember a time where they were not obsessed with food and their weight. I also can’t really remember that time in my life. I’ve had emetophobia and an eating disorder for what feels like my entire life.

One of my earliest memories is one where I’m probably 6 or 7 and trying to fall asleep, however any time I closed my eyes I would get a vivid picture in my head of the babysitter on duty coming into my room with a mouth full of vomit wanting to know where the bathroom was. I’m positive I could relay to you each and every time I’ve been physically ill in that way in my life, as well as any time I’ve encountered it outside of myself.

And still I ask: Where do I start? There’s so much. It feels like so much.

I’ve spent most of my life living with an eating disorder for over two decades, and it hasn’t looked the same the entire time. I’ve gone through periods of restricting and over exercising; I’ve gone through periods of eating very well and over exercising; I’ve gone through periods of not caring at all what I was putting in my body as long as I didn’t throw up; I’ve currently got a nasty mix of all of the varying patterns, thoughts, and rules I’ve learned and given to myself over the course of my life, which is why the doctor in treatment has officially diagnosed me with “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified”, or EDNOS. It just means my disorder doesn’t fall neatly into one box; I’ve sort of got a potluck of symptoms and behaviors.

Let me preface the next bit by telling you that, after going into my interview assessment at the treatment center and expecting them to turn me away, they recommended I spend time in residential treatment. My insurance does not cover residential, and for the first time in the history of ever when I said “Financially I can’t do that”, the person agreed with an “Absolutely, that’s an understandable and valid barrier,” and said that I could do a 10 day trial of partial hospitalization to see if it’s an adequate level of care for me or if I need something else. Today my anxiety has been very high about whether or not I’ll be “allowed” to stay in PHP or if they will ask me to go to residential and I will have to turn it down for financial reasons, then I’m left to my own devices? It’s really freaking me out.

Anyway…..

My first three days last week were a whirlwind of new faces, and lots of names I’m just today starting to remember. I hate meeting new people. I mean, I like meeting new people in general, but it makes me anxious, and in such a vulnerable setting I’ve mostly felt exposed, judged, and analyzed. It hasn’t been pleasant. Not to say the people haven’t been pleasant; everyone has been really warm and welcoming and kind so far. It’s just the nature of the thing I guess that makes me feel like I’m naked all day.

This week has been difficult. Last week I hadn’t quite “landed” in the building yet; it wasn’t really real to me, it hadn’t yet sunk in to my brain. This week has been more “Oh, okay, we’re here and we’re doing this,” with a generous helping of “You all don’t know me, please stop acting like you know and care about me.” These are things I know that I need to work on in myself. Not everyone is a bad guy, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. Note to self.

So I don’t know … generally I’ve been feeling entirely like a stranger in a strange land, who is also just becoming acquainted with their body for the first time. And I miss my job and my coworkers and the kids I teach :( But hopefully I can come out on the other side feeling more like myself, and be more present and capable for them.

If anyone sees this and reads it, thank you.

Sending you peace & love.

[cbunny9]

Note to Self:

Start writing here soon so I don’t fall behind on wtf is going on lol

Love,

Self