coleali - Tumblr blog

[coleali]

Round up of 2020, the year we didn’t see coming.

I don’t actually know where to begin, if you’re landing on my tumblr for the first time, you should know I have been here since my 20s. I mostly use it to publish one blog a year on NYE which i would usually write at my dads house as normally i would see in new years with my pops. I also use this space to post some of my travel pics. Not this year. Last year saw me spend NYE with my dad, Craig David on the Box and my oldest friend on my facetime/phone. 

I had the worst possible start to my 2020, my dad fell ill unexpectedly and died suddenly in hospital. 2020 has seen me navigate NHS negligence and gaslighting, followed by a global lockdown where i was quarantined alone. This years annual wrap up will have no silver linings, it’s the year that marked an end of an era in my life that saw me say goodbye to my father and the home i grew up in. One of the toughest moments in my life that i just didn’t see coming. 

That’s the thing tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to nobody and this year proved that more than ever. 

i spent most of the year walking, crying, hunting for whatever food i could find in supermarkets and Netflix binges all distracting me from my grief at times. 

I have had more therapy this year than any other year just to get through it and navigate the loss of my father, it hit so hard that i sometimes struggle express in words where i am wth it. 

2020 has also seen me say goodbye to people and their toxic positivity, nobody should have to put up with being suppressed by the people in their environment because that’s not what life is about. Life is about being human. 

in my last NYE post i talked a bit about my podcast Bereavement Room which has had 2 seasons with an array of guests from all over that it gained 7k downloads and a worldwide listen. I am so thankful for finding the strength to carry on podcasting whilst carrying so much of my own pain. God is always by my side while i tell my own truth and give platform for others to do the same. 

This is my last post on tumblr, i won’t be writing another this time next year. I have some other plans instead. 

2020 has marked an incredibly reflective and tragic end to so many people’s lives, including mine. 

I have never been a fan of NYE it has always felt bittersweet for reasons unknown to me still but I hope you have a peaceful start to 2021 as challenging as it is set to be. 

Callsuma x 

[coleali]

2019, Thank you.

It’s that time for my end of year annual wrap up. Wow. 2019 took a twist. A very big twist in my journey that i didn’t see coming. I started off the year in a fairly new job that woke me up to the reality of behind the scenes working with social housing across London. I lived on a council estate for 33 years and what I saw behind the scenes of working within that space shocked me. One big systemic fuckery. I was there now so we carry on until we parted ways. Whilst all this was happening something had changed inside me, I felt unwell is how best to describe the turning point.

As the year progressed I stumbled across a bereavement charity whilst listening to a podcast about grief. Utterly shocked that i didn’t know they existed. Could I have grieved better had I known about the support they offer? It transpires now probably not but i will never know if things could have been different for me back then.

I then stumbled across a book about grief, a well known book written by psychotherapist that confirmed what I was thinking, feeling and vocalising over the past 10 years that was shutdown by my employer, colleagues and friends.

I called the charity said i wanted to be a helpline volunteer, I was ready. After the initial conversation I was accepted onto the bereavement training course which then took another twist, following my experiences I set up a death cafe for BAME communities because i felt that this space was lacking inclusivity and representation. Whilst i was training to be a helpline volunteer, I then made the decision that i wanted to do more, so lets upskill and enrol on a foundation counselling skills and studies course. Without even realising what this would then mean for me. I enrolled at one of the top psychotherapy schools in London not knowing who they were until much later on in the year. It was all a bit of an accident.

What unravelled during my time with them was painful, wonderful but yet real, it was an experience one i will not forget. I was grateful to be held in this space to share and vocalise my real thoughts, something we don’t often do in the real world. I was fortunate that our class was blessed with a wonderful teacher and facilitator something i had not experienced in the educational space before. I found my voice, and it was ok. It was ok to say what i was really thinking and not be judged for it or be penalised for telling uncomfortable home truths during group process.

My time there had come to an end, I was at a crossroads now. Most of my classmates went onto do their training because guess what this space is designed for middle class white women. I’m not saying BAME counsellors do not exist but there is lack of in comparison and many glass ceilings to smash.

It doesn't end there, my death cafes had slowed down a bit over the course of the year and I was pondering on how i can be more accessible to people across the U.K. It then occurred to me as someone from a digital marketing tech background of several years that I could do this remotely via tech. i could set up a podcast. It was a no brainer because guess what most other platforms in the bereavement and grief space aren't actually that inclusive or representative from a cultural sensitivity perspective. A lot of mainstream channels exercise a tick box when it comes to serving BAME communities and this is something i deeply do not like and want to change.

Anyone that knows me knows that i care about this issue and have done so for several years but didn’t know what to do about it. And so with a little bit of faith, blood, sweat, tears, perseverance, planning, structure, self belief and then pitching the idea, Bereavement Room Podcast was born. So many people came forward to share their untold and unheard journey in great detail, something we rarely ever do in real life.

I often reflect on my conversations with my guests, and it might sound weird but I grieve with them when they open up and share deeply personal accounts of their life with me. Sometimes I binge reflect and i have to force myself to stop. You can be bereaved but still learn from others. You can have powerful conversations and share profound moments. You can tell your story and be heard. Listening is powerful.

We are where we are meant to be, for now anyway.

I am looking forward to 2020 and know that it’s going to be a challenging year for me, I’ve got some unfinished business...

As the year draws to a close I leave you with a quote from my older brother who jokingly commented that I am incredibly morbid whilst we discussed souls during the Christmas break.

“If you understand that we don’t belong to each other but are only entrusted to one another for a period of time then it becomes easier to process ones grief”

Thanks for taking the time to read this and listening. Wishing you all a safe and peaceful new year.  

C.ALI

[coleali]

That time we took the train to #Modena #summer2018 #ilovetraveling #italy #travelblogger (at Piazza Roma) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsWa-oTnUDN-w0uaFqCwx9DOvldbp3Aodxwv7k0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=fdd8xrti9u1g

[coleali]

2018

Annual end of year wrap up.

I left 2017 on a reflective high - promising that i would see in 2018 by taking time to just sit back and enjoy all that I have worked hard for and achieved. Something i was not used to doing but hey, I decided I was going to give it a good go. For anyone that reads my blog or has done so in the past, will know this was not going to be easy. My baby brother passed away at age 30 from Leukaemia. He was born with autism and down syndrome, as you can imagine his life was a challenging one, more challenging than yours and mine put together. 

He wasn't just the baby in our family by rank, he was literally everyones little baby. As one of my best friends described, it’s like losing a child not just for your dad but also for all of you. Because of his disabilities he was our very own baby and we all looked after him at different stages throughout his life. It’s hard to explain, but the usual sibling relationship you experience growing up wasn't the norm for us and for him. He was non verbal and was unable to reap the basics we as humans take for granted. 

Anyone that has a family member with a disability will understand what I mean as I write this. It’s not your conventional family scenario. We all felt our fathers pain. As nature deems the youngest technically should go last but who would have looked after him if we were all gone? Who would have made sure he gets the care he deserves if we were not here fighting for it? It’s not that easy.

I spent most of this year suppressing how i felt, because when you experience death in your immediate family the second time round you have not got time for peoples bullshit comments about loss. The generic words of loss and worst of all, not saying anything at all. Highlight of all comments I have heard this year, “Sending family members to a care home in my country means you abandoned them.” Fuck off cunt, luckily for you this isn't your country albeit you hold a British passport. 

Anyone that thinks this, please keep your small minded comments inside your tiny ignorant brain. Do you really think any person wants to abandon their family members to a care home? it’s really simple, do not comment on what you do not know and have never experienced.

I and so many others are so grateful for decent care homes and hospices across the UK, they help support those in old age, illness and disabilities, without them so many families would not be able to cope or have any kind of normality in their lives, this country would not survive without that level of access and support.

My year end reflection includes the sheer lack of acknowledgement from people you think you can trust. One thing I was taught growing up, don’t invite anyone you do not trust into your home, that includes jealous people, people that lack the ability to be happy for others. 

I followed through on this, so many disappointing humans this year. If you saw any of my gratefulness challenge over on IG, you would have seen on the final day of my challenge, I was grateful for sadness and disappointment. Why? Because it highlights to me what is important and what matters to me most, what I value.

An old friend once long ago said to me, ‘Callsuma you can’t judge other people by your own standards.’ I didn’t agree with it at the time and argued. Now i know what he meant. People will think whatever the fuck they want. Sure, i will let it go, after I have talked about it. The truth is, people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. So I learned, you do have to let it go.

The anger, grief and pain all rolled into one is real. 

I spent most of 2018 hiding behind positivity, and reflection, luckily for me I have very intervention type friends, i took on the 30 day gratefulness challenge, I exercised and I took up hot yoga. Weirdly, all these things helped keep me sane, distracted and I felt like i found something I didn’t find when I grieved for my mother.

2018 also bought me closer to home, a new job!  Doing something i have extensive knowledge in, social housing. So far feels like a good project to be involved in. I also stumbled across something else, something I am very excited about, something that my experiences have lead me to find but that’s for 2019 so watch this space 😉.

Other than death, grief, exercise and leaving a job that served it’s purpose in helping me settle back into London life. It was time to move on. Take a more conscious effort in looking after my health.

it’s been an very eventful year. i have spent time reflecting, I find it helps see things more clearly and remove the negative energy. I have also spent some time swearing, I bet you couldn’t tell 😉 by far the above are the things that consumed most of my thoughts and feelings. 

What should have been is a 2018 that involved me taking a little back seat but instead god decided to test out my coping mechanisms again. I love the image of a coper, sounds a bit narcissistic but it’s all just an act isnt it? I like it, because i’m really damn good at it. I cope.

Oh and this is by no means me putting a stop to my extensive use of the words CUNT and FUCK OFF. I’ll be taking them to 2019 with me.

I hope to go into 2019 with the same resilience and strength, if not more and I wish the same for you too. 

Happy New Year, be safe.

C. Ali

[coleali]

One of my #2018highlights #daytrip to #Modena @dl_insta_moments 😊 #seetheworld #travelblogger #ilovetraveling✈️ #pavarotti (at Istituto Superiore di Studi Musicali "Orazio Vecchi - Antonio Tonelli") https://www.instagram.com/p/BsBLSfanfwS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ldpbc66po4th

[coleali]

Day trip to #Modena from #bologna surprisingly very close. #seetheworld #italy #ilovetravel #italianparks 🗺 (at Parco Giardino Ducale Estense) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsA7Y6mHD2q/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=z0dzxeitman9

[coleali]

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train 🚊 #choochoo #trains #trainstation #seetheworld #bologna #italy #modena #daytrip (at Stazione Bologna Centrale) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsA6qUbH7PW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1fpcftxvm1b99

[coleali]

When you travel and you end up on the wrong platform twice. Third time lucky 🍀 #italiantrain #bologna #seetheworld #friendship #foodiecity (at Stazione Bologna Centrale) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br_BsycHtgi/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ux6y4u1cetw5

[coleali]

One of my #2018highlights #daytrip to #Modena @dl_insta_moments 😊 #seetheworld #travelblogger #ilovetraveling✈️ #pavarotti (at Istituto Superiore di Studi Musicali "Orazio Vecchi - Antonio Tonelli") https://www.instagram.com/p/BsBLSfanfwS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=3k20zw8d4ux0

[coleali]

Structure #bologna #architecturephotography #architecturelovers #exphotographystudent 📷 #seetheworld 🗺 (at Bologna Centro) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br-Lk5CH3aQ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=g8p4h3ktl9w6

[coleali]

Vegetable #lasagne #bologna #foodie #italy 🇮🇹🗺 #seetheworld🌍 #ilovetravel (at Vineria Favalli) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br8z49An3Dl/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g9kjd1q9gmq8

[coleali]

The world is yours to explore ✨#summer2018 #bologna #ilovetravel #seetheworld 🗺 #Italy (at Confcommercio Ascom Bologna) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br7jGcBHJMG/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zngtc4tuct3

[coleali]

Museums. I love museums. #museum #bologna #italy #summer2018 #ilovetravel #halls #lights #atmosphere (at Museo internazionale e biblioteca della musica) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br58bTqn5me/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q234iw9edbqp

[coleali]

Hello hunties it’s the #Xmas holidays and I’m bored shitless, so all I can do is entertain and distract myself with listening to podcasts about death and grief and also remind myself of all the amazing trips I took in #2018. So yes hello. #deathcafe #grief #travel #meditation #bologna #seetheworld #healing #timetogrieve #inmypillow #imfunny #icope #workingonthememories #imgrateful (at Bologna, Italy) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrvwlzbndOD/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=2cq9lpfbymzz

[coleali]

When we want mood experiences, we go to concerts and museums. #bologna #italy #summer2018 #ilovetravel #museums #galleries #stumbleupon (at Museo internazionale e biblioteca della musica) https://www.instagram.com/p/Br505y-nJC0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ib4uxuwasko1

[coleali]

I’d like to do just whatever I like the whole day long. #romanholiday #bolognaholiday #italians #streetsofitaly #travelblogger 🇮🇹 #bologna (at Piazza Verdi) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrdLGXaHdpv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=9a6ppi3hsoni

[coleali]

#aperitivo nothing like it unless you go to #bologna #summer2018 #ilovetravel #foodie 🍹 (at Bologna, Italy) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqm2TQnn_Qm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1v6ewe186vbjz