congratawelldone-blog-blog

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

Food.

Fight. 

Club. 

image it

it would be amazing 

that is all 

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

sinfulserenade:

Aside from sex, the best part of my day is taking a nice big shit. Nothing quite like emptying everything out to prepare your digestive system for more food. What can I say? I eat to poop and poop to eat to give me energy for more sex. That’s my outlook on life.

i'm strangely attracted to this woman however i also feel that if sinfulserenade was in australia she would be classified as a bogan. no offense sinful :) 

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

i thoroughly enjoyed the premise and execution of this joke 

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

I cooked something

then ate it,

took a photo of it.

I then posted the image on our blog

I did this because i thought people would care about a mundane, routine event that everyone does every day of their life. 

and then i found $50

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

How to make a shit blog entry good, lesson 1

When i was growing up, I was afflicted by a terrible condition known as concludiphilia. 

This rare linguistic handicap meant that i was unable to tell a story with a relevant point or punch-line. Born from a desire to be heard in a school boarding house where i was the youngest i would start talking during silences in conversation but as people started to pay attention to me i would realise that the story i was telling actually had no point and i was talking purely to be heard by my peers. 

After much teasing and vilification I learnt that i had two choices in life, either keep my mouth shut or have a point. 

Because i didn't always have a point and I couldn't stand not hearing the sound of my own voice I developed a number of fail safe after thoughts that i would use in case a story fell flat unexpectedly.  

Here is a list of some of my favourites: 

"And then i found 50 dollars" 

"and then he died" 

"and then she stole my jacket" 

*start crying and leave the room*

"i still fucked her though" 

"But he was a racist anyway so who cares" 

"now that i've got you let's both revisit the birth of the doyleycott opera company" 

"i still fucked her though" *start crying and leave the room*

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

This Day In History.

On this day (April 10th 1962), 

Sir Archibald Pez, the famous American confectionary baron, was partially decapitated in a freak accident whilst eating a lozenge.

The accident occurred when a fudge cutting blade malfunctioned and swung loose hitting passing by Archibald and severing 70% of his neck slicing though skin, bone and arteries.  Pez was found by one of his workers minutes later.

When the body was discovered the worker, Nicholas Tarvish, said that the lozenge Pez had been eating at the time could be seen protruding through the severed orifice of his neck, swelling in and out of the crevice intermittently with the crimson tide that was still gushing out of the figure on the ground. 

Nicholas Tarvish an Irish immigrant worker, who Archibald Pez had taken under his wing since his immigration to America in 1959, was understandably traumatised by the event having nightmares of the horrific image each night for months on end. Finally Tarvish decided he must clear his conscience of the event he had witnessed and decided to create a confectionary to remember the man who had given him his new life in America. 

Today we remember Archibald Pez affectionately as the namesake to the world famous Pez dispenser however we don't remember Nicholas Tarvish at all because he foolishly didn't patent the name and the Pez family took all rights and earnings from Tarvish and said he was "a sick fuck for creating a candy that immortalised his bosses tragic death".

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

WHY BEARDS ARE AWESOME! 

So i've been growing a wicked beard recently. 

We had our two month anniversary a couple of weeks ago so we're almost up to our two and a half month anniversary now. It's been going really well, he gets a little itchy sometimes and there are times when i feel like i could use some space from him especially when he cock-blocks me all the time .

Girls don't like how close we are to each other. 

Whenever i'm out with him i'm always touching and stroking him. It's not a gay thing it's more of a comfort thing, some people have blankets or dildo's but i have my beard, i love stroking that big hairy bush, what's wrong with that ?! 

The best part about my beard is that when i walk down the street no one hassles me. In the past two months not a single unicef or greenpeace worker has heckled me about a refugee or a dead seal and how i'm a shit human. 

The hardest thing about having a beard is naming the little guy. 

These are the current options that i am tossing up between: 

Bernard (The Beard) - affectionately known as Berny by people who know him.

or

Mexican Pete - i shouldn't have to explain why i want to name anything or anyone mexican pete... so i won't.

I guess naming the beard isn't really the hardest thing about having a beard.The hardest thing would be what you get named yourself for having a beard. Insults i've incurred include: 

"Pedo!" 

"Get out of my way you hairy rapist!"

"I don't have any money to spare but would you like some of my sandwich?" 

and "can you help me with my geography homework." 

This really gets me down.... i love wearing a trenchcoat but now i just feel uncomfortable ! 

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

Double Team 2 - Co-Hosts Revenge

Entertainment weekly announced earlier today that 20th Century Fox will be releasing a sequel to the 1997 'hit' 'Double Team'.

The Original film which starred hollywood hit man  Jean-Claude Van Damme and 90's Basketball icon Dennis Rodman was an action film based around retired counter-terrorist agent Jack Quinn (Van Damme) who is forced out of retirement to hunt down an old nemesis. After enlisting the help of an underground arms dealer (Rodman), the two team up to take down the terrorist (Mickey Rourke) in an action packed 90 minutes which i just could not be bothered to watch. 

The Sequel, scheduled for release in Oct 2011, will star Basketball Legend Shaquille O'Neal and Talk show Tycoon Conan O'Brien!

This bizarre pairing is set to get stranger as O'Neal plays a successful talk show host Jackson Cooper and O'Brien plays LA Clippers Power Forward - Leroy Carr, or affectionately nicknamed in the league as White Yao. 

The film is set on Coopers show, when a disgruntled ex-co-host seeks revenge on Cooper for ruining his career. The villain, played by 'The Big Show' from WWE fame, sets out a carnival of horrors like series of challenges to bring the end of Coopers life and Career.

Carr (O'Brien) is a guest on the show on the night of the incident and chooses to stay and help Cooper beat the Big Show as Carr is conveniently engaged to Coopers sister.

The two join forces as Carr (O'Brien) is quoted as saying:

"blood is thicker than water brother and i never liked wrestling any way!"

So by the sounds of it this film is trying to be both an Action and a Comedy and will most likely fail miserably at both.

The preliminary promo posters for the film read:

O'BRIEN, O'NEAL, O'YEAH!! 

So imagine that for 90 minutes and you have Double Team 2 - Co-hosts revenge.

Charlie Sheen couldn't make this film Win. 

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

So i always wondered why Joe Pesci never got his own starring role in a Gangsta film. 

I mean he was in all the greats like Good Fellas, Casino, Raging Bull and Home Alone yet for some reason directors and movie exec's never seemed to feel that he was worth top billing?

For a while this made me sad and a little bit angry that such a great actor could get type cast and never reach his full potential.

and then I found this.

I guess the bitches got him.  

[congratawelldone-blog-blog]

The Old Coffee/Hot Chocolate Switch-A-Roo

Today i was drinking a coffee and i realised that it tasted like chocolate which totally isn't right. I was so mad because when i don't drink coffee i get sleepy and i also can't pass my morning bran muffin!

And then i realised i ordered a Mocha, which is a coffee with chocolate powder in it, cos i felt like mixing it up a bit.

I laughed so hard i almost snorted.

i'm so funny sometimes.

P.s. i passed my bran muffin with flying colours.