crustycarol

[crustycarol]

Some day

I'm going to find someone who will listen without judgement. Who will understand me without misconception. Who will do everything in their power to make sure that I don't go to sleep sad. That I don't have to feel like I have to look over my shoulder waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Someone that will bring my soul the peace she has been craving for too many years. I won't have to walk on eggshells. I can speak openly and freely about what I'm feeling, and they'll sit with me in those moments, holding me tighter each time. Someone who genuinely wants to know about my day, and supports the things I want in life. They'll respect me and the boundaries I put in place without a second thought. They'll see my value and appreciate me the same way I appreciate the Moon and the Stars.

I can't wait around for that person, I'm going to live openly and freely. And if that day never comes, so be it. I love myself too much to stay in situations that bring out the worst in me.

[crustycarol]

Having people throw themselves at you,

but feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone

Is a crazy feeling

[crustycarol]

You know what I think it is?

I make you feel guilty every time you have to see me.

I hope so.

And I hope that guilt digs it's nails into your core and stings like hell. I hope it makes you so uncomfortable that you can't sit still. I hope every time I cross your mind, your heart drops to your ass. And when people ask about me, I hope you tell them the absolute truth.

That I didn't deserve anything that you put me through.

And if I'm wrong about this, you clearly have no heart or soul and you have no business wasting other people's time and energy.

[crustycarol]

I can't be the only one who experiences it.

That feeling.

The one where your heart just drops to your butt on a random Tuesday and the flood gates open.

Who knew something as small as a smell could leave me searching for a quiet place to cry. At work. Avoiding that gut wrenching feeling of wanting to puke.

[crustycarol]

Just when I thought you couldn't go any lower, you move on less than 10 days later and lie about it for 6 months. After 5 years. And you brag about it, like being an unhealed toxic person is something to be proud of.

The level of cruelty that you showed me, the gaslighting and manipulation. You had me feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my 34 years of life. While I was fighting for my actual fucking life, you were entertaining the same people that I asked you to leave behind for the sake of our relationship.

And then you have the fucking audacity to come back, telling me your little lies. And when I asked for honesty, you stole my bodily autonomy. Now I'm right back in the same place. Fighting for my life. Fighting for my sanity.

While I'm facing my feelings, you're distracting yourself and avoiding accountability. You'll never be the good person you try to portray yourself as.

You no longer have a seat at my table. I burned your fucking name card.

[crustycarol]

Mental Health matters. And I've been drowning in mine for too long.

[crustycarol]

Why is everything still so fucking heavy?

[crustycarol]

Truthfully, I don't think I'll ever allow another person to get close to me. I don't have it in me to learn a new person all over again. Or to risk being in the same type of situation.

[crustycarol]

If I could make one wish, it would be to disappear.

These emotions are too heavy and I can't seem to cope. I have to fight my heart and hide my face while the tears pour out because I don't want people to ask questions.

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about how mentally and emotionally exhausted I am, and how I have to force myself to get out of bed. I don't want to talk about how my brain simply will not turn off. I can't stop overthinking and obsessing. I don't want to talk about how these dogs are the only thing keeping me from driving off the edge.

That's my harsh reality that people aren't ready to hear. So I keep it hidden inside and throw them an "I'm fine", instead.

But I'm not fine. I am not okay. And I just keep sinking further. I feel like I'm drowning, and I might not make it out alive. That might seem dramatic, but this is truly how heavy my soul is.

I just wanted to finally have peace and happiness. But I'm still fighting for my life the same as I was before we met. Am I destined to a life of pouring myself into others while they destroy me? Because if it is, I want off this ride.

I just simply don't want to be here anymore.

[crustycarol]

I saw you for the first time in 2 months.

My heart broke all over again.

Why does she want you so badly? My mind knows that we will never be anything more than strangers again, but we can't help but to hope for a better outcome.

Why do I still find you as beautiful as the day I fell for you? Sitting on your couch, reading a book while you listen to a movie on the TV. You weren't even mine in that moment, but I knew I wanted you to be.

This is a form of self-destruction, but I can't stop myself.

I never wanted any of this. And it's a hard truth to swallow that you secretly did. So why can't I just let you go? Why can't I drop those feelings and move on? Why am I struggling so much this time around?

I didn't deserve anything I've tolerated.

But it's not easy to forget how I loved you.

[crustycarol]

I miss you.

All the time.

This feels like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. The silence between us makes my soul ache. I was so sure it would be you. I was so sure I had finally found my person. My home.

How do I pretend that I'm not absolutely broken inside?

[crustycarol]

This inbetween is difficult.

I cry at the most random times. The smallest things can summon bittersweet memories that leave me feeling lost,

But also grateful.

I'm exhausted in every form imaginable. My heart feels so heavy. But soul keeps telling me to keep pushing.

Your ability to be cruel has left me deep in my thoughts. I don't deserve any of this, and I think you know that.

You pushed me off the deep end and expected me to know how to swim. I think this lesson was meant to teach me that, no matter how scary it can be.. I always need to take the jump. I need to fight through my fears and persevere.

You gave me no choice.

[crustycarol]

I wanted us to work so badly. And I tried.

I tried so hard.

I tried to communicate, so that you could understand me. I tried to show you my love with physical touch, so you could feel me. I tried to support you in all your endeavors, because I just want you to be happy. I tried to be your sounding board, because I care about your thoughts and feelings. I dedicated my time to you, because I wanted you to feel important. I thanked you for everything you did, because I wanted you to feel appreciated and valued.

But somewhere along the way, you stopped caring. You stopped seeing my efforts. Or maybe you never did, and I was just running uphill for no reason?

It seems like the harder I tried, the harder you pushed away.

[crustycarol]

Everything is moving so fast, I can't find time to breathe.

It's been a month and I'm still as heartbroken as day 1.

You keep using your anger to cope, I'm still drowning in tears.

[crustycarol]

I used to look forward to getting out of work so I could go home and patiently wait for you.

Now I feel anxiety knowing I'm going back to an empty, quiet house.

Who knew I'd miss your chaos as much as I do.

I still wish you'd come home.

I still wish we could try to work through this.

But my wishes just disappear into the void that's replaced you.

It's been 2 weeks. Everything is moving so fast, and I'm stumbling trying to find my grip. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose the magic that we had. I don't want to lose any of this.

You're still using anger to cope, and I'm still drowning in tears.

[crustycarol]

You made me feel like I was so safe.

And then you left and took my heart with you.

Now I feel frozen in time.

I can't move on, but I can't go back.

[crustycarol]

I can hear the ocean roaring from what used to be our front porch.

She's angry tonight.

I can't help but wonder, wherever you are.. If you're listening to her, too.

I've been spending a lot of time alone, trying to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. Trying to learn to dance with my demons, instead of running away from them. Learning to adjust to your absence, and accepting my reality for what it is.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job.

I still want to reach out. But every time I open our texts, I can't find the words to type. I feel like I'm learning how to walk again, this time in my own shoes.

Every step matters, no matter how big or small.

My life is being flipped upside down and I'm hanging on as tight as I can. I'm meditating, praying for easier days. Chanting Mantra's to heal, and navigate this journey with grace.

Please bear with me while I find my soul again. Because somewhere along the way, she got lost.