dearjeonnn

[dearjeonnn]

as i grow older i begin to question,

will i ever feel someone truly love me?

my concept of love has been demolished by those who couldn’t do it in the past, that i doubt myself more and more. will i ever experience love without condition, without reason? will i ever experience being loved the way i love? will i ever be hard to leave? or will i go through my entire life being easy to leave and hard to love? what if no one stays? what will i do then? just once i want to be so incredibly important to someone that i can 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 it. i want to be someone’s first choice. i want someone to look for me in a crowd of people. i just want someone to 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦. i’m tired of being alone. i’m ready to love. i’m ready to feel loved. i think i’ve always desired it, always craved it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩. honestly i just want a hug. i want a hug from someone who loves me. i just want to feel like i’m not as horrible as i think i am.

[dearjeonnn]

whenever someone’s tired or wants to quit you so often hear “don’t give up!” or “you can get through this!” or “i know you will overcome this!”

but what if i can’t? what then? what if i give up? what happens then? what if i can’t keep going? what if i can’t keep “hanging in there?” tell me, what on earth do i do then? i don’t think i can continue on like this. everything hurts too much. they always have an answer, but what can they say then? am i still worthy of care? am i still worthy of attention, of love? what if i lose this battle? what if i give up? please tell me what happens then? can i bear it? can the world bear it?

[dearjeonnn]

i will never get over how fast the happiness ends. everything comes crashing down in mere seconds. it never lasts. and it’s so easy to forget. why do we learn so little from peace? why is joy so fleeting? were we truly placed on this earth to suffer? with only mere moments of joy in the between the endless suffering? why is it so easy to focus on the bad? perhaps due to the abundance of it? i don’t want to lose myself to this pain. i don’t want it to consume me any further. i want to save myself before my soul is too far gone. will i ever be me again? i can’t remember who i was before i developed this deep ache in my chest. who am i without my pain? have i gone so far, too far, that all that remains of my identity is this suffering? what if i’m never okay again? i can’t even remember what that feels like. will i ever let myself loose? will i ever free myself? will i ever save me from me?

[dearjeonnn]

not to get too dark on main but life really is so unpredictable, and not just in a bad way. two days ago i had been rotting in my bed for a week, unable to get up, looking up the easiest way to d!e and now i’m sitting on my bedroom floor writing a note for my best friends birthday. i just took a hot shower and my teeth are brushed. sure there are still so many thing wrong in my life, and yes those bad thoughts still thrive in my mind but right now, in this moment, i’m glad to be here. life really changes all the time, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better. i think life really is all about living for these moments, the moments that make you realize how lucky you are to exist right now, in this moment. life can be so draining, but these moments remind me to breathe, and that nothing bad lasts forever.

[dearjeonnn]

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!

i want to stop being plagued by worry and anxiety and memories and fear I WANT TO LET GO!!! this world is so wide and so vast i have so much to do, so much to see, i’m overwhelmed with experiences i have yet to have. i want to make memories with people i love and forget the painful times of my past. i want to be confident enough of myself to forgive those who hurt me and those who have yet to. i want to stop existing and start LIVING. i want to be so incredibly in love with being alive that i never return to my self destructive ways. i want to be kind. so incredibly kind that it radiates off of me and inspires people to be their best selves. i want to mean something to someone. I WANT TO MEAN SOMETHING TO MYSELF! I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF! I AM SO YOUNG AND I HAVE SO MUCH TIME! I CAN LEARN TO LIVE!!!!!