definitly-not-harley-keener - Tumblr blog

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Peter Sleepdeprived Parker: whenever I take a break, I find a very difficult to get back to work. So here is what I do,

Matt slept-two-consecutive-hours-in-three-days Murdock: Yes?

Peter: I just…never stop.

Matt: And this is why you’re always burnt out.

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Wade Wilson (Deadpool): I don’t know how the Tumblr works, but it scares me sometimes.

Peter Parker: The Tumblr *wheezes*

A/N I actually don’t know how tumblr works. I just disguise my shit-post-account as a fake-quote-account and post several posts every once in a while and then nothing for months. Someone tell me if I’m doing this right.

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Matt I-blindly-fight-criminals-in-my-free-time Murdock: I might be mentally ill, but at least I’m funny.

Spider there-is-a-hyphen Man: Same, dude.

Foggy the-only-stable-one Nelson: Go to therapy, both of you, I’m literally begging you.

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Peter I-am-literally-a-super-hero Parker: So…either I am dying or I am having an anxiety attack.

Wade I-died-twice-today Wilson: Mood.

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Peter I-am-actually-a-menace Parker: I’m actually a professional yapper. Just today I told my aunt I would join a cult, become the leader of said cult and then move into the mountains to life a life cut off from all of society, excluding the cult i am leading, which moved to the mountains with me, obviously. I proceeded to tell her in great detail about that life for minutes. She only asked whether I’d be heading to university today.

Wade I-had-a-good-idea-exactly-once-in-my-life Wilson: I did that once.

Peter: what?

Wade: joined a cult.

Matt I-am-responsible-because-I-have-a-respectable-job-(not) Murdock: Did you go to university tho?

Peter: Yea, but my friends and I headed home early because we were tired and wanted to take a nap.

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Peter: I want to crawl out of this meat prison and become one with the universe.

Tony: Whoa there. Wait a second.

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Marvel characters as dumb shit I’ve said:

Thor (before using eye drops): I need to water my eyeballs.

Harley: *asks a series of really stupid, unnecessary questions.*

Parental figure: *laughs desperately*

Harley: Are you laughing or crying?

Sam: Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Bucky: Nah I just stretched my eye muscles.

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Spider-Man: Me kneeling over because I’ve been stabbed. Basically never happens. ’This but a scratch.

Spider-Man: Me kneeling over because I forgot both to eat and drink…more likely than you think.

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Ma Keener (worried): You would tell me if someone hurt you, right?

Harley, who ran into his bed three times, trying to find the bathroom at night, ran into the very same door, twice in a week, fell of a roof, trying, and failing, to do a cool trick, knocked himself out, getting tangled in his pants legs, falling into his wall face first: okay, but have you considered, that I am an idiot?

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Some whackass news outlet: Is Tony Stark even human or actually a robot?

Tony Stark: I’m actually an array of really bad decisions stacked upon each other, in a really big Trenchcoat.

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Spider-Man: I’m basically just a worrying amount of trauma and sarcasm squished into a fairly small fairly human body.

Spider-Man: Memes are my only defence.

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For context, I’m super into the Spider-Man goes to Gotham trope right now for some reason but yea:

Tim Drake: Do you have social media?

Peter: Oh yea, definitely. I’m on YouTube and Spotify with my Podcast “So, You’ve died and came back to life in an another universe”. Special guests Jason Todd and Wade Wilson.

Tim: You could’ve just said, no.

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Harry Osborn: *running away*

Peter: *SPRINTING at him with enhanced speed* HARRY. HARRY. DId YoU PUT YoUR NaMe IN RHE GOBLET OF FIRE.

Harry: *high pitched scream*

A/N: I can’t decide whether it would be funnier if it was Spider-Man and Green Goblin or just Harry and Peter

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Tony (talking about an event): Yea, it was nice. But you know what was especially beautiful tonight?

Pepper: What?

Tony: Me.

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Spider-Man: Welcome to “has my food gone bad or does it just have a slight off texture that’s kicking me into a small sensory overload”?

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At dinner:

Tony: *jokingly says something slightly mean to peter.*

Pepper: Uhm…does anyone want more soup?

Harley: Is the soup hot?

Pepper: Yea?

Harley: Then Tony maybe shouldn’t eat this. It might warm his cold heart.

Peter: *slips under the table wheezing*

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Rhodey; why are you wearing sunglasses it’s not even that sunny.

Tony: it’s to hide the pain in my eyes.

Tony: *cries softly*