devotedly-androgynous

[devotedly-androgynous]

I don't think I know who I am anymore and that's really scary. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I don't know myself anymore, and it really sucks.

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

I’m going to [remembers I should stop saying ‘kill myself’] rewatch Supernatural

[devotedly-androgynous]

does anyone have any advice for things I should get before moving into an apartment by myself? besides the obvious of saving up money for first and last months rent and money to start up bills and stuff? Like approximately how much should I save up for in the midwest?

[devotedly-androgynous]

I need out, I wasn't home and I didn't do anything to clean on my day off because my one roommate said he was going to clean today. I get home from visiting family and he finished of 3 bottles of liquor and didn't clean anything, the dishes aren't done their laundry still isn't put away. literally nothing ever gets done unless I do it

- J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

happy new years! I know I'm a little late but still, I spent new years with no one I was bored and lonely I went on a walk at midnight and I say this guy and he's the only one that said happy new year to me on new year, I don't even know his name, I hope everyone had a good start to their year

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

It's been awhile, but I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and things have been falling apart. I'm so tired

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm scared, and that's all

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm always so cold anymore..

I haven't eaten more than just a snack in 3 days. It's strange I never used to be cold.

I'm so tired though of being a fucking maid and a doormat to my sister and her boyfriend.. I feel like I'm a single mom and they're my kids.

I shouldn't feel like this, I'm to young to feel like this.

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm tired of being the only one that does house work, I'm suicidal and I'm better functioning then the both of them, I'm the youngest, I work the worst hours, I get the least amount of sleep and I'm just so tired of doing everything. but if I don't do it nothing will get done.

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

is it to much to ask that strangers aren't in MY apartment where I pay rent and he doesn't.. I'm tired of him inviting people that he's met like twice

(he is my room mate and my sisters bf)

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm still alive, I got to see a friend a few days ago and we went to get lunch and it was really nice. I need to start going out and doing things more, even if it's by myself lol

reasons I have to live rn:

•My cats

•My friends

•The fact that one day things will be different

•My younger siblings

•my parents

That's 4 more reasons than I had last time I went over this so it's progress..

Anyway I hope anyone who sees this has a good day ♡

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm outside on my break at work and there are cars driving by on the busy road. I just I think of how nice it would be to lie down out there

-J. A. N.

EDIT: again I feel like I should say I won't do it but I really really want to but my cats would miss me so I cant

[devotedly-androgynous]

I'm probably posting to much, but I think I'm hallucinating? I just heard a howl, I'm outside on my break. I don't work anywhere near something like that should be heard.

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

yall I got therapy before my 8 hour shift tonight, wish me luck ♡ I hope I don't have a mental breakdown at work lol

-J. A. N.

(me with how stressed I've been)

[devotedly-androgynous]

I justrealized I haven't eaten in almost an day and a half.. I'll just get something tomorrow?

- J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

I feel like I am God's biggest mistake, and I'm not even religious

-J. A. N.

[devotedly-androgynous]

There goes my 5months of being clean from self harm. I don't know if I want to die or if I just find comfort in the familiarity of the feeling. I understand what I'm doing isn't healthy but I can't quite bring myself to care. Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts, just to bash my head in a bit, give myself a concussion then go about my day. Or to cut my face to reflect how I feel if that makes sense, not in any way thaymts glaringly obvious though. But I'm a coward, and I can't fully do it. not because I'm afraid of the pain or anything. I'm afraid of what my friends would think. Would they think I'm weak? Stupid? Selfish? I don't want to be those things I just want to be normal and okay, but I can't I've tried for so fucking long and I can't just be okay.

EDIT: I'm not going to kill myself, even if this sounds like it, my cats depend on me and I can't leave them so like don't worry. I'm not going to do it even if I really really want to.

-J. A. N.