diaryofvanitas

[diaryofvanitas]

I think I've fallen in love many times

And I have come out of it with reasons

I've fallen for someone's hands

That looked like they could pluck the stars

I've fallen for someone's eyes

They looked like they had fought silent wars

I've fallen for someone's misery

The pain they had seemed richer than lovers

Fallen for a monster

Whose kindness was seen as throwing rocks

Fallen for great minds

Whose hardwork had been seen only by dimensions

Fallen for broken hearts

Where the rain was scared to touch

The cold body's warmth .

I've fallen for art, fallen for expressions,

Fallen for deep wounds, and sorrowful lessons,

An artist, an observer, a poet ,

Defining love is limiting their spectrum

So would be concluding this poem .

Going insane is a fashionable substitute

For loving , loving and loving frantically

And the lust for prying , into each life

Such as they know they are seen

The inquisite desire to know

Might make me insane one day.

So I fall and fall and fall again

A lifetime would never be enough

To comprehend this world's tenderness.

So I might just never come out of it .

I write incomplete paragraphs.

I hate perfection.

[diaryofvanitas]

It's 4 am and I woke up from hunger

And I couldn't move from the headache that had erupted in my sleep

The last meal I had was biscuits

The last actual meal I had was yesterday's breakfast

Sandwich and cereal sufficed me for a day

I remember being dead thirsty

When I was half asleep

But I think my body gave up

My body isn't proud of my myself

I am a torture to it

I do not eat and I do not nourish

And I make it run like a horse

I work hard and I fall asleep

Cause I can't keep up with my pace

My brain isn't parallel to my anatomy

And I tend to mess up my body because of it

Is being hard on myself the reason

But I'm just testing the waters

When u live alone

When nobody asks u if had dinner ...

When nobody bothers u in your sleep

Like u told them too ...

When ur mom doesn't feed u half asleep

When nobody cares when ur legs pain

When nobody cares if u took ur pills

When nobody changes the sheets u cried on

Except you

Is it liberation from the society

Is it the magnificent individuality

That they talk about

Or is it abandonment from warmth

From tearing u apart from ur bones

It is but a mere life scam and u pay back ur loans .

It's been some years

Since I've been told u are not a child

And yes in some aspects I am not

But to be entirely free from what u were

For all your life

A child in ur mother's eyes.

Reality makes u believe that u are a part of the crowd and not the superhero u thought u were.

It's being ripped off from ur benevolent fiction

And the fiction was ur past not nostalgia

It is not freedom

Nor is it loneliness

It is something in between

Something full of half hatred and half love

Half acceptance and half conflict

It is becoming an adult and already conquering some of it

It is you and it is me

We all are cruel strangers to each other

Search for warmth and love in every other

The one that is unconditional the one that stays

But we are the mighty with the ego

And u won't survive the dumpyard generation

With low esteem , respect or having too much time for someone. ..

And the irony is I'm not alone

I'm not loneliness thou it seems romantic sometimes

I have two roommates

Who have probably felt the same

On a different Saturday from me

And I might have been sleeping when they were crying or thirsty

It's a c word event happening at 3 am to every human

Cause they are the main character

And I forced myself to write

The headache is gone now ..

So is the thirst ..

But the hunger only grows ..

But I get food after 2 hrs because that is

When the mess opens up

That is when I realise this isn't home.

[diaryofvanitas]

Consistency is difficult. Like me thinking I would write blogs everyday which I didn't and now I need to submit an assignment and I haven't done it yet . There are a lot of things we do not do everyday and it makes me think, what if I did do it consistently, will it become something I'm a master at or will it just be a pretty diary of my hardwork that I can flex . Maybe both .

[diaryofvanitas]

The moon

Maybe I always knew it

My abilities, my strength, my limits

But I was lame enough

To always dream of a million points

Maybe I always knew it

Where I stood in the crowd.

What my anxiety took from me.

Maybe I always knew it

I was the one to blame.

For smiling like an idiot

I was asking for the moon after all

But I was not the only one on my knees

Witnessing the deterioration

Of my own potential

I still chose to dream

Of a future far too good for the likes of me

We suffer in imagination more than reality

A lighter could never be an Olympic's torch

Maybe I always knew

Maybe I always knew.

This lame optimistist, dreaming

Over confident bitch that I was

Playing cool, not asking for help

Like I was so strong

Maybe I always knew

I was hollow

Even if I sprouted all that motivation

And gave hope to people who were already better than me

And maybe I still am.

An airhead . .

Who chooses beliefs over doubts..

And maybe I know I'll always be

Cause I don't see wrong in being me .

I don't see wrong in being weak. .

[diaryofvanitas]

Globalization

I think the one good thing globalization did was bring food from all over the world to your doorstep. Well , home cooked food is the best but when you're away from home , even the food from your own country seems foreign. Maybe it is the difference in culture in different parts of the country that makes the food taste different, be it the way it is made or the ingredients being used. When u are used to the taste of a particular food , u can't eat it tasting different. Then comes Westernization and east asian influence . Packaged food isn't healthy but atleast it tastes the same all around the globe. Whenever I'm fed up with food in college , I have a packet of ramen that I can run to which shall give me a solace from my tastebuds dying slowly....So yeah I like that the import export system brings a different kinda spice to my palette.

[diaryofvanitas]

Life of a University student

When u talk about university , u think about people, u think parties , alcohol , academic pressure , living away from home and u think about groups and friends and conflicts and being devoid of home cooked food.

For me University life is mostly livin' the week waiting for the weekend, cause I have two days for me and the self I am . Monday to Friday seems like a full time job and u don't realise when the day ended . Not just the day , the week , the month and now I can't believe I'm in the second year of college . And there is this constant need of validation from your own self. What did I do in this time period? What did I achieve? Am I worthy of my parents money ? Am I a worthy human resource? Am I working hard enough? Will my dreams ever come true . For me , university lifestyle is all about keeping myself busy so that I do not have to think about emotions. Because this is the age u realise that reality is very different from what u imagined and it scares me to think that I would fail . And the scariest thing is not trying my level best. And also meanwhile trying to keep myself away from drugs and bad influence. Consistency will assure me results and a good character will earn me a result with happiness.

[diaryofvanitas]

It's not always about what u could do and what u did . It's not always about ur ideal self and real self. It's not always about comparison but rather knowing what u learnt today . But how does someone say positive always or how does someone not dream sky high ? If u do not then what is the point of dreaming. But in a country like ours what is the point of dreaming high when all the hardwork u do would go to waste because of RESERVATION policies . There is a disparity between people that needs to be worked on but at what cost ? At the cost of people who are talented skilled individuals that could become a phenomenal asset to society do not get good seats just because someone else has it reserved for them without the niche amount of hardwork. Recognising all the stratas of society is important for the country to rise but the potential that this country's youth has is destroyed by the system thus results in immigration of Indians to other countries. There should be a balance in the system so that the human resources we have become assets for the country and get justice for their efforts and ideas . So that we do not commit the crime of washing knowledge drown the drain while making paper boats that would not sustain.

[diaryofvanitas]

It rained after such a long time in my uni. And it rained heavily for the first time. It reminded me of my hometown. Wherever u are in the world, u would get nostalgia once in a while when u listen to the same song on piano u used to hear as a child or the food u used to have while going back home from school or even a certain perfume that reminds you of your first love . The rain for me was an escape from the hectic life I'm used to livin'. The dust , the pollution, the people, the noise and the limited time to breathe in peace. The thunder that was oddly silent , and dominant no other shallow noise existed . The rain that felt cold on my skin but warm at heart and the window washing away the droplets made such an exquisite site to behold. The campus I live in is beautiful no doubt but the rain made it majestic with lights of lamps and street lights reflecting on the ground's smooth surface. The grass looked alive after a long time and leaves had that whisper of relief. Well that was my day . It was good . Fortunately and I'm grateful. This is my first blog and I'll be continuing to do this for a long time I hope .