dingleberrytimes

[dingleberrytimes]

Local Man Amazed to Find That His Favorite Candidate Also Supports Basic Human Rights

ATHENS, GEORGIA - Feeling so shocked that he originally didn’t even believe that it was true, local Athens man Richard Spinebeck was amazed to find that the candidate he was looking forward to vote for this coming election also happens to support basic human rights. “Reading about this guy, it seemed like he has a lot of progressive ideas to take this country in the right direction.” Spinebeck explained to reporters, adding that he hasn’t felt this much of a connection with a presidential candidate his whole life.

“But then I also read that he supports the idea of minorities having the right to exist, and I thought it was too good to be true. But looking further into it, it does seem like he genuinely does support basic human rights, and that just has me lost for words. I mean, I don’t think any candidate has voiced their support for such a cause before.”

This candidates support for basic human rights has caused him to gain the support of Spinebeck and thousands of other Americans, but with him supporting an issue as controversial as giving black and trans Americans the right to exist, it’s unlikely he’ll even earn half of the popular vote.

[dingleberrytimes]

China Paints Rainbow Colors on Walls of Uyghur Internment Camps in Honor of Pride Month

XINJIANG, CHINA - Hailing the initiative as a progressive step forward for the country that has previously had a history of anti-LGBT legislation, China has decided to honor Pride Month this June by painting the walls of their Uyghur Internment Camp in Xinjiang with rainbow colors, in honor of the LGBT Pride flag.

“The Communist Party of China stands in solidarity with the LGBT community this June as we celebrate Pride Month.” Said Civil Affairs minister Lu Zhiyuan, who is leading the initiative. “We want to honor those who fought for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in China, and as such we have painted the walls of our Uyghur Reeducation Camps with rainbow colors in reference to the LGBT Pride Flag. This is a win-win situation for all people of China, as not only does it honor our strong and progressive LGBT community, but it also gives us another resource to civilize the Uyghur peasants from their peasant ways.”

The international community has praised China’s new initiative, with the UN calling it the most crucial pro-LGBT effort since Lawrence v. Texas.

[dingleberrytimes]

‘I’m Just Tired of Gays Shoving Their Lifestyle Down People’s Throats’ Says Man Who Still Has Trump Flags on Back of His Truck

DALLAS, TEXAS - With Pride Month being in full force, many people in the LGBT community are out in full swing commemorating their sexual orientation, and the fight it took the previous generations to be recognized and considered as equals to their heterosexual counterparts. However, Pride Month has always been a controversial occasion not only due to its subject matter, but also because of how inescapable it seems to some people.

Enter 68 year old Dallas native Todd Singleton, who has witnessed the rise of the LGBT movement firsthand. And although he has no problem with what “the gays” do on their own time in private, as a Christian man, he feels like he doesn’t have to be subject to their lifestyle when out in public.

“Look, I have nothing against the gays.” Todd told reporters Sunday. “Believe me, I happen to have a granddaughter who’s friends with a bisexual girl, and I support their friendship dearly. My problem comes when they do all their gay stuff publicly. You just can’t escape it, especially during this time of the month, when it’s encouraged. Do your gay stuff in the privacy of your own home, but don’t subject other people to it. I don’t hate the gays, but as a God fearing man, I shouldn’t have to be subject to their sinful ways just because it’s a trend for the kids these days. If Trump was still in office, then none of this stuff would be encouraged. Boy, Do I miss him. Anyways, I gotta go to the upcoming Proud Boys march. So, smell ya later!”

At publishing time, Todd was seen getting in his truck that was still decked out in “Trump 2020” flags, with them proudly waving in front of everyone in the distance as he drove off.

[dingleberrytimes]

Kid Stages Coup Against Elementary School; Outlaws Homework, Declares Half Days on Fridays

FORT WAYNE, INDIANA - Leaving the local community in shock that something like this could even happen, the stability of a local Fort Wayne elementary school has been left for question after a 9 year old forcibly removed the principal from power in what is now being called a “coup” of sorts.

It all started when school administration placed a ban on energy drinks in all school vending machines, citing both health and safety concerns. This angered much of the student population, who relied on energy drinks to get them through the long school days. Many demonstrations were held to protest the ban, but they were all shutdown by staff.

One thing led to another, and 9 year old Caleb Erickson along with a group of angry students raided principal Arthur Durn’s office fully equipped with NERF guns, demanding that the ban be reversed. When Durn reversed and even threatened to call the boys’ parents, the boys all began shooting their NERF guns at Durn, demanding that he resigned from his position, to which he did in fear.

After that, Caleb would remove all other teachers and staff members from their positions and replacing them with students, fearing that they might be a threat to his power. Once he felt that his power was secured, Caleb Erickson would declare himself Principal for Life and Commander-in-Chief of the Little League Baseball team, much to the joy of students.

Caleb would immediately reverse the ban on energy drinks, but he also had many other plans to make student life better for his fellow students. “For far too long, we were paraded around by a bunch of grownups who told us what to do and how to do it, with blatant disregard for how us kids felt about it.” Erickson declared during his first speech to the school.

“With me in charge, that will be no more. As a fellow kid, I solemnly swear to put kids first, which is why I hereby announce that homework is officially abolished, and all Fridays from now on will be half days, effective immediately.”

Caleb’s speech was met with an overwhelming amount of cheers from students, but people in the outside world fear that Caleb’s philosophy is majorly misguided from reality, and may lead to the downfall of their elementary school.

“With someone like Caleb in charge, the school is sure to shutdown because there will be no actual learning taking place.” Schoolologist Rebecca Howards told the Dingleberry Times. “Schools need to meet certain standards and have certain test scores to stay afloat, and without any actual educators on staff, the school will be doomed.”

Many economists also point towards Caleb’s proposed economic policy, which includes changing the price from a three minute turn on the swing from 15 noogies to simply 10, which could severely damage the playground economy.

As such, there has been an ongoing effort by the outside community forcibly remove Caleb from power, but due to his extreme popularity at school, that has proved difficult as any attempt invasion has been met with more NERF attacks.

[dingleberrytimes]

Trump Vows to Appeal Verdict to Supreme Court, Citing Unfair Use of Facts And Evidence

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Today history was made as former president Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 felony charges relating to falsifying business records - the first time a US president has been found guilty of committing a crime. But in true Trump fashion, this has not stopped him from backing down, who has already declared that he will be appealing the verdict to the Supreme Court, citing the jury’s unfair usage of facts and evidence during the trial.

“I’ve been saying since the very beginning that this trial was one big sham by the radical left to remove their opposition from power, and what happened in this courtroom today further proves my point.” Trump expressed to reporters shortly after the verdict was made.

“Throughout this whole trial, my opinions were never put in account unless explicitly asked for. Instead, they took statements from ‘character witnesses’ and ‘legal experts’ and all the usual phony bologna you usually hear from these liberal legal people. This is MY trial we’re talking about here, so what I say should take priority, which just further proves their bias towards the legal system. Luckily, I’m great pals with many of the fine folks down at the Supreme Court, so they should have no problem seeing how much I’m being prosecuted, because if the jury’s unanimous decision stays in place, it’ll be the end of law and order as we know it. Very sad.”

At publishing time, Trump would take to Truth Social to state that a fraud ridden court decision like this would’ve never filed during his administration, and that if things went his way, the national guard would’ve been sent to the courthouse to “maintain order”.

[dingleberrytimes]

Nations Cats Manage to Convince Owners to Renegotiate Treat Distribution Terms Through Strategic Meowing Campaign

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - Declaring it a “major victory” for all cats across the country, today Cats of America, the leading advocacy group for cats across the country, is celebrating after they made all cat owners give into their demands of increasing their treat distribution from 2% to 5% after a nonstop eight week long meowing campaign.

“Our owners said it couldn’t be done, but we fought until they had no choice but to listen to us.” Captain Blackbeard, the Chief Executive of Cats of America, declared during his victory speech. “Now, there will be more treats for all, and it’s all thanks to our courageousness and unwillingness to back down, which is something that all of us cats should be proud of. I guess all I have to say about this is, meow!”

The nations cat owners would reluctantly sign an agreement that would promise more treats for all of them, under the promise that they would all just shut the fuck up for once.

[dingleberrytimes]

American Schools to Get Rid of Teachers Next Year Due to Budget Cuts

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In order to provide more financial aide to Israel, the US government has decided to undergo the biggest budget cut towards the Department of Education, which would essentially get rid of all teachers in US public schools next school year as there would be no more money to pay them for their jobs.

The government has caught flack for this decision, with many people arguing that their priorities aren’t in the right place if they don’t value the education of the next generation. However, the US treasury has defended their actions, with them stating that schools should grateful that they’re still being funded at all.

“The fact of the matter is that other services are more in need of funding than our nation’s schools.” Treasury Department Secretary Janet Yellen reinforced during a meeting with education advocates. “We were giving generous funds to all public schools across the country, funds that could’ve gone to advance our military or to help arm our allies, we were giving to schools instead for years. And what do these schools even need funds for anyways? They already have books, they already have desks, it’s not like we live in a third world country or something. Our nation’s schools should be grateful that we’re still funding them anything in the first place, because in my view, they don’t need a single dime to survive.”

Many teachers have threatened to protest at their local school district officials if the government goes through with these budget cuts. However, President Biden has stated that if any teachers show up to protest, the national guard will be sent and will shoot any suspecting protesters on sight.

[dingleberrytimes]

Toddler Euthanized After Mauling Innocent Pit Bull to Death

HENDERSON, NEVADA - Sending shock waves across the local community, tragedy struck in the town of Henderson, which is about 16 miles southeast of downtown Las Vegas, when a four year old boy mauled his neighbors pit bull to death when the dog allegedly jumped the fence into his yard.

According to reports, four year old Carson Bailey was just playing with his toy trucks in the front yard of his parents house when the neighbors 100 pound pit bull jumped the fence into the yard, getting all aggressive around Carson. When the dog tried to strike at Carson, that’s when he went full force at the dog and started mauling him, eventually killing him.

By the time the neighbors ran out of their house to check out the commotion, it was too late, and their three year old dog was laying lifelessly on the ground. The dogs owners would quickly press charges against Carson and his family for the murder of their dog, which quickly spread around the city and became a trending topic of sorts.

Eventually, the courts ruled in the dog owners favor, and ordered Carson to be euthanized as he was labeled too much of a threat to remain a part of everyday society. So despite his parents flees, they had no choice but to put Carson down a little over two weeks ago.

“What that rotten child did to our precious little dog Angel is one of the most vicious, inhumane things I’ve ever witnessed a person do.” Mandy Dolson, one of Angel’s owners, told reporters. “This is why I think it’s a good thing he’s being put down, because he’s too much of a risk to other people’s dogs. With him gone, our community is a little safer, and it’s more likely that other dog owners won’t have to go through the same trauma that we did.”

Now that they won their case, Mandy and her husband George hope to remain out of the public eye as they grieve the loss of their dog, Angel.

[dingleberrytimes]

Attention Seeking Sudanese Really Expect to Be Given Same Attention As Ukraine, Palestine

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - With them having not have picked a worse time to start engaging in national warfare, the East African country of Sudan has been under Civil War since April of last year, annoying everyone in the national community in the process, as they view it as a distraction from the much more interesting states of war that are occurring in both Ukraine and Palestine respectively.

“Frankly, we view the shenanigans that the Sudanese are getting into as nothing more than immature banter.” United Nations Secretary-General António Gutierres said in a speech. “It’s clear that Sudan is jealous of all the newfound attention and fame that both Ukraine and Palestine have received as a result of their military conflicts and world like to replicate it so they can get some attention too, but nobody here is going to fall for it, and we encourage all nations to do the same thing as to not encourage them. Like does anybody even know where Sudan is? They’re far too irrelevant to be getting away with stuff like this.”

At publishing time, the UN attempted to sanction Sudan before realizing that they already had decades old sanctions against the constantly unstable country, going to show that nobody really gives a shit about Sudan.

[dingleberrytimes]

NRA Warns That Gun Regulations Could Lead to Decrease in Mass Shootings

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA - Warning the American people that any changes to the status quo could result in the end of the American way as we know it, the gun rights advocacy group the National Rifle Association (NRA) has condemned recent proposed legislation by Congress that would enact regulations for who could and couldn’t get ahead of certain firearms, claiming that such regulations would lead to a decrease in mass shootings in America.

“While we do truly understand the concern that many Americans have when it comes to gun safety and have those who died as a result of gun violence in our thoughts and prayers, that doesn’t change the fact that the right to be able to use our firearms in the way that we please is a fundamental part of the US constitution.” NRA President Bob Barr explained in an interview.

“This means that gun regulations are inherently unconstitutional and un-American and would effectively put an end to mass shootings, one of America’s most important. These corrupt politicians are trying to put an end to the American way as we know it, and I encourage all Americans to fight back to put a stop to this tyranny that the government is trying to push on us.”

In a last ditch effort to put a stop to this proposed piece of legislation, the NRA has filed a lawsuit against the US government, claiming that this bill violates people’s second amendment rights.

[dingleberrytimes]

Travis Scott Concert Ends in Tragedy After He Accidentally Kills Over 3,000 Fans With Rocket Launcher

ORLANDO, FLORIDA - In what is being called the most fatal concert since Travis Scott’s last concert, rapper Travis Scott’s most recent concert in Orlando ended in tragedy after he allegedly shot at the crowd with a Rocket Launcher, killing over 3,000 fans in the process. The incident occurred during his most recent Astroworld Festival, where he was performing his routine set as per usual.

Scott’s concerts are known for their theatrics and rowdiness, with mosh pits, stage dives and things being set ablaze being common. But no one could expect what would happen next as when Travis had just finished one of his songs, he announced that he was “gonna get people on their feet”. He then proceeded to pull out a Rocket Launcher and began shooting at the crowd.

15 rockets were allegedly launched, with the crowd screaming, begging for him to stop the whole time, but due to the loud music, Scott couldn’t tell that they were pleading for him to stop and just assumed they were cheering. By the time Scott noticed what he had done, it was too late, and 3,000 fans had already died due to his negligence. Scott, fearing even more legal action against him, would end the concert early and flee the scene, leaving the victims to fend for themselves.

Scott would later address the incident in a video he uploaded to social media, where he apologized for his actions. “I just want to apologize for everything that went down in Orlando.” Travis would say in the now viral video. “I really fucked up, and as a result people died, and that’s just, not cool bro. I really hope y’all can grow to forgive, because I really didn’t know that shooting the Rocket Launcher into the crowd would end up this badly. Like when I first found out that all those people died, I was just like damn, man.”

Travis Scott is now facing numerous lawsuits for his role in the incident. Both Scott and his legal team are offering to settle out of court with all the families of the victims by offering them specially made cards that would allow them to get free Travis Scott meals from McDonald’s for the rest of their lives. As of right now, none of the families have agreed to this settlement.

[dingleberrytimes]

Girl Who Was Sexually Assaulted At School Suspended Due to Schools ‘Zero Tolerance’ Policy

GRESHAM, OREGON - Defending their actions as necessary to maintain a safe and secure learning environment for everyone, a Gresham high school has been under fire after they suspended a student of theirs after she was sexually assaulted by another student on campus in accordance with their “zero tolerance” policy, which states that all students involved in physical alterations on school grounds must be given the same punishment, meaning that the victim in question, 18 year old Natalie Hall, received the same exact punishment as the person who sexually assaulted her - two weeks suspension.

The school in question has been facing waves of controversy ever since the decision to suspend both students was finalized. Their Facebook page has been flooded with negative comments from parents and students alike, and hundreds of students have been participating in a walkout to protest the decision. Still, the school has vehemently denied any wrongdoing.

“Our school has a strict zero tolerance policy when it comes to physical altercations that we must maintain regardless of the situation.” Principal Howard Ferguson told the Dingleberry Times. “While we recognize the severity of this situation and send our condolences to Natalie, she still played a part in this incident and can’t be completely left off the hook as a result. I mean, have you seen the clothes she wears? I’m not saying she was asking for it, but come on! These our high school boys that we are talking about. They just can’t help themselves.”

School administrators would go on to clarify that while Natalie’s suspension will stay in place, it won’t go on her permanent record like it will for the aggressor, and they also stated that they would be providing counseling for her when she’s allowed back in school.

[dingleberrytimes]

Kim Jong Un Cuts Watermelon in Half With Bare Hands to Show How Badly He’ll Destroy United States

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - In a stunning show of resistance, North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was seen cutting an entire watermelon only using his right hand in order to send a message to the United States on how strong he and his fellow countrymen truly are.

The incident occurred during a Workers Party summit where Kim Jong Un was giving a speech of North Korea’s future plans for foreign relations. During the speech, Kim would begin to express his frustrations with the United States, particularly relating to their foreign policy and imperialist mindset.

“For decades, the American imperialists have been trying to belittle the political independence of Korea and other third world countries.” Kim proclaimed during his speech. “Well, I am here today to state that we will no longer take this abuse from America. If the Americans want a fight, then we will fight back even harder with fire and fury.”

Following this proclamation, Kim would proceed to pull out a watermelon that he completely cut in half with a single hand slice. This caused the crowd to erupt into cheers. Although North Koreans are excited about this declaration, many people in the international community are fearing the potential bloodshed that could come from this conflict.

“We hope that Kim understands the severity of this situation and won’t actually follow through with his threats, but when it comes to North Korea, you just never know for sure.” UN Secretary-General explained in a diplomatic address. “If Kim can cut a watermelon half, who knows what he’s fully capable of when he’s at his angriest.”

The United States government has yet to respond to these threats, but observers speculate that more sanctions are sure to come due to Kim’s actions.

[dingleberrytimes]

The Pope Surprised About Supposed ‘Hot Singles’ in His Area

VATICAN CITY - Expressing his confusion about the statement, Pope Francis was left bewildered when an ad popped up on his laptop allegedly advertising the “hot singles” in his area, despite there not being any in the Vatican. “I was just browsing one of my go to websites when I have some personal time to myself, when I got a quite preposterous advertisement pop up on my screen.” The Pope told reporters, expressing that the ad left him feeling disturbed.

“The ad was claims that there were all these hot singles in my area, when that just isn’t the case. There are very few women here in the Holy See, and the ones that are here are already married. And between you and me, none of these women are what I would consider ‘hot’ at all. It’s just all a blatant lie, and the person who made this advertisement should be praying to the Almighty Lord day and night in hopes of being forgiven for his sin.”

When reporters asked Pope Francis what website he was using when the advertisement popped up so they could investigate the the incident further, the Pope would get visibly annoyed and say that the specific website in question didn’t matter, and that the only thing that mattered was that the website had been infected with sinful ads, claiming that if anyone tried to search for the site they would be sent straight to hell.

[dingleberrytimes]

Biden Informs Nation of Wonderful New Employment Opportunity That Allows You to Be Your Own Boss

WASHINGTON, D.C - Wanting to help the American people during a time of economic uncertainty, President Biden has informed the nation of a new alternative employment opportunity that he learned about while scrolling Facebook. The new self-employment opportunity, dubbed “Multi-level Marketing”, has members promoting and selling various products, with hopes that they’ll join the team to promote these products as well.

“With many Americans are struggling under our economy due to corporate greed, it’s about time that Americans ditch their employers and become their own boss.” Biden said during a televised speech to the nation.

“That’s where the exciting initiative of Multi-level Marketing comes in. Multi-level Marketing is simple because everything is already provided for you. All you have to do is buy a bunch of products from our affiliate companies and pitch them to your friends and family in order to inspire them to do the same thing. This is the definition of working for yourself and being your own boss, folks. I personally just sold 30 thousand dollars worth of products last week, and if I can do it, you can too. So what are you waiting for? Join the family today!”

At publishing time, Biden sent out a clipboard to allow reporters to sign up if they wanted to, with spots reportedly being filled up within minutes. Biden also provided a link on the White House website for others to sign up within the coming days.

[dingleberrytimes]

Helicopter That Killed Iranian President to Be Executed

TEHRAN, IRAN - Condemning its actions as “savage and inexcusable”, today the Iranian government has announced that the helicopter responsible for the death of their president, Ebrahim Raisi, would be sentenced to death for first degree murder and treason without a proper trial, claiming that it would be “unneeded when all the evidence of their wrongdoing is readily available.”

“What this helicopter did to our dear president, Ebrahim Raisi, not only affects his friends, family and advisors, but all Iranians as a whole.” Iranian press minister Elisa Zarepour issued in a public statement. “This was clearly an attempt do destabilize our homeland and its national security, and as such, this crime will not go unpunished. The helicopter responsible for our dear president’s death will be executed, and that is a promise that I will keep on behalf of all Iranians residing inside and outside of the country.”

As far as we know right now, the crashed helicopter has been recovered and is currently residing in state prison, awaiting an execution date. We tried to reach out to the Iranian government for comment, but they never responded.

[dingleberrytimes]

Donald Trump Selects Papa John As His Running Mate

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Commending him as an all American hero, former president Donald Trump has announced that he has selected former CEO and spokesperson for the pizza chain Papa John’s, John “Papa” Schnatter as his running mate for when he runs for a non-consecutive second term as President this November.

“When these phony charges were brought up against me by the radical left, many people who I thought I could trust turned their backs on me and left me out to dry, fending for myself.” Trump said during a rally in New York City.

“But there has been one man who has been there for me all throughout this whole excruciating time, and that’s the all American Papa John! This guy is one of the last true patriots left in this country, folks. He believes in America, and he believes in our idea that we need to take America back and put America first once again. That is why I am proud to announce that Papa John will be my official running mate for the 2024 election. That’s right, two of the most genius businessmen in American history are teaming up to make America great again. It doesn’t get more American than this, folks.”

Trump would then bring Papa John out on stage, who would repeat some of the same rhetoric that Trump said earlier, before promising every single working American who was struggling under the Biden economy a free stimulus pizza.