edgarrallannhoe

[edgarrallannhoe]

In the night garden, Mary Mattingly

[edgarrallannhoe]

I d o n ‘ t f e e l r e a l

Today i went to the psychologist. Gosh, I love that woman, she really makes me feel less crazy after we finish the session. She’s amazing, i have to admit, even though i really LOVE my mom, sometimes i feel daughter instincts towards her.

The wool bunny hat bitch still hasn’t responded, ofc, i swear, i can’t understand the problem. It’s been two fucking months. Just give me my money back at this point?

I started watching Dr.House with my dad after dinner. I used to watch it when i was a teen, it’s amazing and my dad loves to watch it with me, he really likes Cuddy ( i mean, she’s like a jewish bombshell, amazing woman ) and I really like Chase, lol ( he looks a lil bit like Prince Charming, the Shrek one -Cherry flavoured. Want to taste?🍒- lol ).

My skin is slightly getting better i guess. It really brings me down and makes me feel so fucking insecure, i just wish i had a good enough skin.

I don’t care about sebaceous filaments, pores, smile lines. I don’t want “glass skin”. I just wish i didn’t get these pimples on my cheeks and my jawline. I just wish i didn’t have fucking close comedones, what the fuck, i’m 28, i didnt have a skin that was this bad even when i was in my teens. it’s literally one of my biggest insecurities, now i’ll do a list of my insecurities in random order:

• My skin. I will cry for days when my skin flares up. I won’t leave my house, i won’t see anyone. I’ll just cry and cry and cry and avoid mirrors. I stopped picking on it cause it just worsen the whole thing. Last year i started buying those cute colored stars with Hyaluronic acid in them, and they helps a little by hiding the pimples when i go out, as i like to say “i prefer to look crazy/weird with them on it, than to have pimples showing”. I just want clear skin, for once in my life..

• My “cankles”. there isnt really much to say about this. I won’t wear flat shoes ( sandals, simil-ballet shoes, high top shoes… ) because of them. As i said in another “page” of my tumblr diary, my sister used to say i had “american dolls legs”. I’m so envious when i see pics of these gorgeous women at gala events, and they have these slim and fine ankles, like, they are so beautiful, so elegant, and here i am with my ugly ankles. ( call me crazy, i don’t care cause i kinda am ).

• My hair. I have curly hair, that i straighten since i was 12yo. I remember wanting to look like those SceneQueens girls i would always see on MySpace, and i just couldnt, because of my hair. I wanted to have that classic “emo bangs”, so i started straightening them, but it’s not the same thing. And i was so insecure everytime i had to go to the beach, or if i did a sleep over at someone else’s house. Or when it rained and yadda yadda.

Now it’s a lil better cause my hair grew long and they are less messy, i don’t have to straighten them everyday like i used to do, and when i go to my beach place in the summer i even like the curls that salt water gives me, but i still wish that one day someone magical would appear and with a ✨spell✨ my hair would turn straight forever.

• My nose and lips. They are okay, i guess, but i wish my lips were fuller, and since i was a kid, i loved “french noses”, i want it to be upturned, small and cute. I have a greek nose . People think a greek nose is an important one with a bump on it, but that’s the roman one.

The greek nose is the one you will often see on Greek statues. It has minimal curvature, and the forhead and the upper part of the nose are kinda connected, the bridge of the nose is kinda prominent so on the side the line from the forhead is pretty straight. It’s not ugly, it’s just that i don’t like it, i guess.

• My breasts. I wish it was bigger and fuller. That’s it. I don’t want it to be “big” in general, i would like to have for example the side of the Kendall Jenner’s one after her boobjob, they’ve done an amazing job on her.

That’s it, these are my insecurities, but I won’t act on them, ill just accept them cause its not like i could do anything else. I would rather avoid fillers and big surgeries ( like boobjobs ), and i already had a nosejob because i broke my nose when i was six cause i ran towards a wall to win a game, and just splattered my face on it( lulz 💞), and when i was old enough to have the surgery i asked to change it also aesthetically and not fix just like the medical parts of it. I’m okay with it, unfortunately the doctors told me they couldnt fix the tip cause there was a risk of collapse. slightly pissed but it’s okay ig.

that’s me:

Today i think i will read something. I’m now reading the Bible with my mum. We are not catholics or even religious at all, but i like to know things, and the bible is such a fondamental piece of human history that imo it’s an important read. It’s like reading old tales, it’s pretty funny tbh. We are now reading the “Old Testament” and we finished the Genesis and we are almost at the point of the plagues that God sent on Egypt. I like reading it mostly because i’m bonding a lot with mum while doing so, and she seems happy when we read it.

I also have to wash may hair cause they suck, but it takes a lot of time and i just keep postponing it. I think i’ll watch another Scrubs episode and then go wash them while listening to a crime youtuber i like. I also want to keep reading this book called “why does he do that” that is about abusive men behaviors ( not only physical ), and i really recommend it to every woman out there. I know no one read my tumblr, but if you’re a girl and you are interested i can send you the pdf!

Ok, now i have to start doing at least one of all these things i said because if not, im perfect my capable to be on my phone in bed all day long.

xx Emma

- i’ll leave yall with a pic of the cutest celebrity pup EVER, Pilaf!-

[edgarrallannhoe]

Moonlit Dreams by Gabriel Ferrier (1874)

[edgarrallannhoe]

Life lately ( eeewww )

-that’s me in the pic btw-

life has gotten both crazy and boring as hell lately.

for once, i’m mad af. It’s two month that a niche but popular brand that receives a lot of praise should have gave me my fucking TRACKING LINK. Fuck you, two months. I screwed up, i trusted the owner that told me to pay directly to her paypal because the site wasnt functioning, this happened like the 27th of dicembre ‘24, i waited, and waited, and waited again. On saturday she said:

“I hAvE a ShOoTinG ThiS WeEkENd aNd Is GeTtiNg alL mY AtTeNtIon, GeTtInG BaCk To u On MonDay”

fucking bitch, guess what? i write to her yesterday and she doesnt even see my messages, oh but she’s uploading her shitty niche alt but unoriginal ugly photoshoot.

This is crazy cause i didnt even like her clothes, just this thing that is some sort of balaclava in wool with bunny ears. I wanted it since i saw it like two years ago, and i was so happy to buy it this christmas. aaaagggghh, i swear, hate her, hate the brand, fuck her. I can’t even describe how mad i am, and i can’t even “yell” at her, cause i wont risk the 10% of probability that i’ll receive that fucking thing. Fuck.

I wan’t to break up with my boyfriend, but everyday he tells me things like “i can’t live without you, i couldn’t imagine my life without you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, without you i’m nothing….” and yadda yadda. He is a very lonely guy, he has one best friend that is a little bit of a pos, and some other friends( but not close ones ).

We spent the last three years attached to the hips, but the difference between me and him is that i know and like to stay alone. I have very few friends ( like three, two of them i only talk w them thru the phone cause of distance), but i never feel alone when i have to spend the day by myself. I love it, feel so freeing.

Gosh i can’t talk about this cause i’m still thinking about the bitch of the wool bunny balaclava/hat, lol. Keep thinking about that.

I really hope that i’ll return writing here, maybe not in a month or so, i wish i’d do it tonight or tomorrow. I wrote to the bitch rn, i swear hate her

HATE HER

HATE HER

HATE HER

ok, done, ill just wait. AAAHHHH

I also finished my cigarettes, and my friend/ketamine contact is out of the country since like 20 days and he’ll come back like the 15th of march. I want to die. Ok, well, i’m gonna go shower i guess, here’s 9:25am circa.

love you guys ( no one reads this blog, so it’s kinda a schizo thing to say )

[edgarrallannhoe]

7-08-024 man, i fucked up.

today,tomorrow,to…

Ive been vomiting for the past 24+ hours now. i like to say “hahah i’m vomiting SO MUCH but idk why..” i know why. Rome makes me sick, rome makes me want to relapse, rome allows me to relapse. I know it’s no rome’s fault here, i wish it was. I wish all of this was anyone else fault but mine, but here we are, with all the faults in the world i guess.

i have to say tho, among all of the european capitals, rome is the least chic one by a mile.

Yesterday a bought me some Ketamine. I have a complicated relationship with K since the first time i tried it almost twelve-thirteen years ago and not knowing how to use it i just decided to open the bag and snort the whole thing in one line. Bad idea, i spent the night hugging the service toilet at my highschool with a friend making fun of me during the whole thing. Then after that day, i snubbed it at practically every occasion i had, i just wasn’t interested in that devilish thing again, and now, since a few years i’m again at it. I don’t want to talk about this tho, kinda boring, kinda useless.

8-08-024 somebody save me from myself

the purge

i tried to force myself to post, but i started writing then said “fuck it, why should anybody care?” then said “BuT IM DoInG tHIs FoR MySeLf sO whY dOeS it maTTeR if people enjoy it?” and then again “i’m lying as usual, few are the things i do where i’m not concerned about how i will be perceived, social media isn’t one of them.” so i’m here now, less whiny than the other day, but more sick.

I keep vomiting, crying, then trying to drink lil sips of water then vomiting again the same water i just drank. Atp this night i felt like a dry prune, without water, without anything substantial in me, wrinkled and all, i was literally crying hugging my garbage bin: i want to note that the garbage bin is literally kinda a wicker basket, so lot of holes and whatnot. I said to my dad, that because of my “puking problem” maybe we should pick a new one that doesn’t make everything messier every time this happens, and he bought another bin…. a DRILLED metallic one, so now i have a little drilled bin inside a wicker basket, a nightmare every time, now i have to also clean them after i’m finished!

i don’t think i have an ED, or at least not in the way it is usually explained. Ive always been skinny and kinda minature, and always ate whatever, but i have to admit that while once i believed ( and sometimes said myself ) the whole “i eat whatever and whenever and i stay sKiNNnYyYyYy” , i know understand this whole thing better. While i have a fast metabolism and a skinny/petite corporature, and it’s true that sometimes i eat McDonald’s four days in a row, i don’t put weight on cause i eat nothing during the whole day tho. like, i wake up and drink latte macchiato ( idk outside Italy what Latte Macchiato is, here is just like 1/4 coffee and 3/4 milk with maybe a lil sugar ), then mid morning i drink Latte macchiato, then i skip lunch, then in the afternoon you guess it! Latte macchiato! ( if it’s summer sometimes it gets changed with a cold Cola in the glass bottle, love it ), and THEN i eat McDonald’s. But if you consider the fact that i’m pretty active as a person , always moving even if i’m home in bed, and that i only drink coffee and milk the whole day, it’s not weird not gaining weight if you have a crispy mcBacon for dinner 4 nights straight.

So yeah, i think that whole “eat a lot don’t put on weight” it’s a little bit of a fairytale, but i’m sure that there is always a girl swearing that for them is exactly like that. Good for you Veronica.

Sometimes is also happens, that because i don’t really eat during the day, i end up having less hunger than if i ate ( i always ate slay✨), and then the hunger makes me nauseous, so then i vomit but i vomit absolutely nothing but slimish green bile, and then i am even more “hungry”- the problem is that i’m not, even when i am atp, i’m not hungry, i feel nauseous and i know that it’s because i need to eat, but i would rather not- it becomes a cycle, and every time is exhausting, this night i felt like i just wanted to die. I just wanted to be put off of this misery. Now it’s kinda better, kinda, rn here is 12AM, i woke up at three AM to, you guess it, vomit and it went on until almost two hours ago, i feel like shit.

I bought a watermelon at the store/supermarket, there is a real market near the store with better watermelons but i don’t want to enter that lively place, vade retro lol, so i’m okay with a watery and less red watermelon. i’m now eating in very small bites a small pizza no topping and all, but i’m far from feeling fine.

ok ill stop writing for now, IM DYIIIIING- i wish i was - aaaaaaaaaghhh somebody save me fucking please

xx emma

[edgarrallannhoe]

girlhood

[edgarrallannhoe]

[edgarrallannhoe]

5.08.024

Ok, i’m noticing no one is looking at my tumblr lol, so i’ll keep writing whatever and turn this into my online diary ( i have a real one that is the most gorgeous diary you’ll see, i swear, if someone is interested in seeing it i’ll post it! ) so i can write the most unhinged shit on it.

Today i woke up humming “joyride” by Kesha, best summer song tbh, and now I’m listening to it on repeat since then ( i alternate between Joyride and Guess, i’m feeling cunty today ). I discovered that i like my face more with only blush and a little bit of nose contoure, and some dark pink lipstick. i think eye liner and mascara drags my face down in some way, idk, and also makes me look older.

i ghosted a guy i knew for 4 years circa. He always treated me kinda bad, but i really cared about him and i always made sure to be kind, gentle, understanding and loving towards him, i now wonder why i was like that but whatever. He is almost ten years older than me, and he used this weird technique to keep me around that consisted in him telling me how special, smart, unique and cool i was, we made fun of others together and we used to gossip and laugh all the time, i obviously had him on a pedestal, and he knew it, and made me believe we were on it together. Idk if i was ever even in love with him, i just really liked him, and i found him interesting.

When he met a girl, he used to make fun of her with me, telling me how dumb the girl was or how crazy she was - i have to admit, these girls were really crazy, but he was as messy as them tbh, so idk why he felt so much normal compared to them -, but then he would take them out to eat and restaurants, or bring them to some fancy hotel, or send a taxi to pick them up.

The fact is, in all these years it was me going to his house - very far away from mine, like 1hour using public transports-, i would always pick up food, i used to just offer him like lunches or dinner cause i knew his economic situation wasn’t the best. I always slept at his house, that was a fricking mess; i would never enter the kitchen, and the bathroom was the stereotype of men’s bathrooms: one shampoo 18 in 1 in the shower, a practically finished toothpaste without the cap and a toothbrush that probably wasn’t changed in forever. The toilet with the toilet seat broken and the flush button broken as well, so you had to fill up a bucket in the sink and then throw the water in the toilet. A true learning experience. And yes, i’m embarrassed that this was the man i liked, please, don’t make me feel worse than i already feel.

One day, he was back in Rome ( he left rome to go live first in Berlin, then Milan ), he was sleeping in a abandoned occupied building that was taken up by a political group; the atmosphere and way of living in these building are pretty brutal, they are not the most clean, you sleep on mats on the floors, during the winter is pretty cold and so on. While we were texting he tells me something like: “Mary- a girl we both know that flirts w him since a lot- asked me to meet!! I don’t know what to do, i’ll try to find some money for a good hotel so we can spend the night together, i can’t make her come here and sleep here..”

The next day, he texts me, I asked how the night with Mary went, he says they didn’t meet, i say something like “aw that’s a bum! i’m sorry” and then he is like “hey what about you coming here tonight - at the Strike- so we can stay together here and sleep together??”. I stopped answering. Why i don’t deserve a nice hotel room? why i don’t deserve a dinner at a restaurant? why i doN’t deserve all these things that other girls can have?

We didn’t speak for a while, then he came back to Rome another time. Me and him had sex like maybe more than ten times, i really didn’t like having sex with him a lot.. he is pretty egoistical, has a very small penis that doesn’t know how to use, sweats a lot and it’s just not good. Luckily he also finishes in like eight minutes, so i didn’t had to endure this whole things for too long. While these were my thoughts on him, he always told me that i was the best sex he ever had, and that many times he thought of me while having sex with other women. One day, when he came back to rome another time, i invited him sleeping at my house for one night cause he had nowhere to go; we share a passion in common that is horror movies, so i was pretty happy to spend the night with him cuddling and watching movies. We had dinner-paid by me obv lol- and then we went to bed and put on one of those trash horror movies that i love.

that night, i didn’t really wanted to have sex, i was a little melancholic, i wanted to cuddle, hug, hold hands and give some kisses. After like twenty minutes that i was with my head on his chest, and was caressing his hand, he started to put his hand under my shorts, then under my undies; i then said: “hey bb, sorry but tonight or rn in general i really don’t want to have sex, i would like to hug and watch the movie.” idk, maybe it wasn’t the right way to put it? idk but he went ballistic. He got up and started shouting: WHAT THE FUCK I CAME HERE FOR? so why am i here? are you kidding me? are you fucking kidding me???” i was speechless, but took courage and said:” I thought u we’re here because we are friends and we like spending time with each other” “Go fuck yourself Emma, what the fuck is this? You are fucking with me, i will not be here for this.” “ok, go away then, i don’t want you here”.

He started dressing up and packing up his things, then said “you are mean, i don’t recognize you.” “go away, i don’t want you here, if you just want someone you can fuck whatever it will not be me, fuck you” “i don’t recognize you” “GO FUCKING AWAY BYEEEEE”. He went away. God had my side that night, cause as soon as he went away a crazy storm fell down on Rome; lightings, thunders. The amount of rain falling of that night was absolutely insane. The funny thing is that J had absolutely nowhere to go, cause he had to sleep at my house, and he didn’t live here anymore, so after thirty minutes he started blowing up my phone while i was staring smiling at my phone at the thought of him out there. Then the messages started: “sorry yadda yadda please let me came back yadda”, again, smiling at my phone. Then i turned off the notifications and kept watching the movie.

The story didn’t finish here, but i’m tired of talking about this douchebag rn. Kisses🤍✨

[edgarrallannhoe]

Margarita Calderó

[edgarrallannhoe]

[edgarrallannhoe]

[edgarrallannhoe]

summer in Rome is like a bad dream. 104•F is becoming the normality, going out after ten AM is like doing a pre-hell early experience, and when you done finish paying for the groceries, avoiding your frozen food being reduced to a puddle is a though race against time.

with all the cute outfits i accumulated during the years, it’s a bum that i can’t really show anything off. Everything that is not a white tank and some old sport shorts would just be covered in sweat and being ruined after the first thirty minutes outside my house.

i have a confession to make, tho; i, a twenty-eight year old woman, in the year 2024, discovered sandals and open shoes. I’ll explain: when i was little, my sister used to tell me i have the “american girl doll” ankles - yeah, my sister is a bitch -; a girl from my class when we were twelve made fun of my “big feet” - i have a 26, a 38 italian measure.. it’s not that big, isn’t it?-; and as a last arrow right in my heart, a guy in highschool one day, without any prompt, just exclaimed to me “OMG Emma, you have such big ankles!”.

i never really cared about my ankles before i was circa eighteen, i didn’t know it was something people cared about, but thinking about it now, ankles were the things you had to show in the past to be sexy, so it kinda makes sense, i guess. I did a lot of researches about my ugly ankles, i discovered they are called “cankles”, it’s kinda a funny name i have to admit. I searched for celebs who had my same “problem”, it made me feel better, Lily Rose Deep is one of them, and she’s still a super sexy bomb.

Btw, because of my cankles and “big feet” i would never wear anything apart from sneakers. I had to be careful even with the sneakers because of my fucking cankles; for example high tops shoes make my leg looks more chunky, so i have to opt for the lower ones: New balance are perfect. Platform sneakers or shoes also are a good option, the beige naked wolf are amazing. Ok, who cares???? sorry i was digressing. What i was trying to say is that this year i finally wore FLAT SANDALS with dresses, skirts and shorts, flaunting my cankles! lol

Ok, for today that’s kinda all, even if i have so many things to say, and nothing at all. I really want to buy a bag of ketamine but there is no one in the city rn, what a nightmare! btw this is my first time on tumblr, i had myspace but completely missed the “tumblr era” cause i wasn’t very much online, kinda regretting tbh, real life sucks.

good night!