elfie4306

[elfie4306]

Giggling and kicking my feet as Will and Hannibal kill a serial killer together, embrace, and then throw themselves off a cliff in each other's arms.

[elfie4306]

Bees are the best pollinators?

Wrong. The best pollinator is my car in the spring after not being driven for a couple days.

But seriously shout out to bees

[elfie4306]

I think for any emotion-heavy media, it should be required for the creators to make a second show that’s just all the characters being silly and normal and bickering about dumb shit. I don’t want the sadness to not exist, that’s how I get super attached to these characters, but I want them to be happy sometimes. VIKTOR DESERVES TO BE HAPPY FOR A WHILE

[elfie4306]

I’m re-reading the epilogue to CHBNTY and uh… I fear I’ve been read to filth.

This is a screenshot of a little snippet from “Somewhere New” written by the amazing talented queercatfan on AO3. @lesbianherald here on Tumblr.

Hyper-fixations & Guilt

I know that logically in order for me to not have a terrible day and actually do the things I need to do, I need to avoid thinking about Jayvik and specifically Coming Home (but not to you) and the epilogue for it.

But that's not fair to them, and I don't want to avoid thinking about them, that truly feels like the most evil thing I could do. And for what? my own mental wellbeing? That's selfish of me. And I enjoy being totally and completely consumed by media, that helps a part of my mental health too. But the guilt from letting everything else go weighs more than the hyperfixation, but also to my mind, that hyperfixation is more important than anything else. To my mind, truly appreciating and interpreting and enjoying and loving, and devoting all my attention and care to Jayvik and praising the amazing and wonderful and talented author of CHBNTY is the most important thing.

But alas, there are real people I have face-to-face contact with everyday that I also care about, who my actions and, more appropriately, my inactions will affect now. And Jayvik will always be there to cherish, and my compliments and praise will surely have the same effect even if they come a few days later.

But I already commented that I would have more to say later today.

I know, but they'll understand, honestly they probably haven't even seen it yet, and might not ever. They're getting a lot of truly deserved compliments and love. Even if they did see it already, they'll understand when I apologize for the delay. Honestly the apology is unnecessary but I know I'm going to write it anyway.

But in a few days I'm not going to be having all the same thoughts I'm having about it now, and these thoughts might be lost forever. And I need these thoughts, they matter to me. And I just had to pause writing this to handle something more pressing, and I've lost my momentum and this--and fuck I have do something else again.

And now it’s several days later and I have no idea where I was going. And I’m sad about it.

Hey, I’m gonna tell you a little secret. What? Even though it’s several days later, you’re still coming to the same thoughts you were last week. Maybe they’re worded differently, or the cloud is vaguer, but that’s only because you’re not entirely consumed by them right now, because you’re on the bus. But I want to be entirely consumed by them, and I feel guilty that I’m not. I know. But in a way that guilt is entirely consuming. And when you’re not feeling that guilt, that’s ok too. Jayvik will always be there. The author will be there. Every mention of the Czech Republic will remind you of Viktor. Every time you see the word hexagon you’ll think of them. Every time you see hexbugs at the store. Every time you hear Cosmic Love. Every time anyone mentions 21 pilots. Every time you open Tumblr. You will have free time, you will have the time you deem long enough to commit to loving them. It might not be right now, but it will come. And they will be there.

[elfie4306]

“Songs that remind me of Jayvik” and it’s just every song I’ve ever heard

[elfie4306]

Since Warlocks cast with Charisma, I like to picture that everytime they're casting a spell they're persuading their patron like "please bro, you gotta let me cast this spell, it's so important"

[elfie4306]

Hyper-fixations & Guilt

I know that logically in order for me to not have a terrible day and actually do the things I need to do, I need to avoid thinking about Jayvik and specifically Coming Home (but not to you) and the epilogue for it.

But that's not fair to them, and I don't want to avoid thinking about them, that truly feels like the most evil thing I could do. And for what? my own mental wellbeing? That's selfish of me. And I enjoy being totally and completely consumed by media, that helps a part of my mental health too. But the guilt from letting everything else go weighs more than the hyperfixation, but also to my mind, that hyperfixation is more important than anything else. To my mind, truly appreciating and interpreting and enjoying and loving, and devoting all my attention and care to Jayvik and praising the amazing and wonderful and talented author of CHBNTY is the most important thing.

But alas, there are real people I have face-to-face contact with everyday that I also care about, who my actions and, more appropriately, my inactions will affect now. And Jayvik will always be there to cherish, and my compliments and praise will surely have the same effect even if they come a few days later.

But I already commented that I would have more to say later today.

I know, but they'll understand, honestly they probably haven't even seen it yet, and might not ever. They're getting a lot of truly deserved compliments and love. Even if they did see it already, they'll understand when I apologize for the delay. Honestly the apology is unnecessary but I know I'm going to write it anyway.

But in a few days I'm not going to be having all the same thoughts I'm having about it now, and these thoughts might be lost forever. And I need these thoughts, they matter to me. And I just had to pause writing this to handle something more pressing, and I've lost my momentum and this--and fuck I have do something else again.

And now it’s several days later and I have no idea where I was going. And I’m sad about it.

Hey, I’m gonna tell you a little secret. What? Even though it’s several days later, you’re still coming to the same thoughts you were last week. Maybe they’re worded differently, or the cloud is vaguer, but that’s only because you’re not entirely consumed by them right now, because you’re on the bus. But I want to be entirely consumed by them, and I feel guilty that I’m not. I know. But in a way that guilt is entirely consuming. And when you’re not feeling that guilt, that’s ok too. Jayvik will always be there. The author will be there. Every mention of the Czech Republic will remind you of Viktor. Every time you see the word hexagon you’ll think of them. Every time you see hexbugs at the store. Every time you hear Cosmic Love. Every time anyone mentions 21 pilots. Every time you open Tumblr. You will have free time, you will have the time you deem long enough to commit to loving them. It might not be right now, but it will come. And they will be there.

[elfie4306]

You know what the greatest magic of all is according to Brennan Lee Mulligan? FUCK love, and FUCK friendship, it’s Chronomancy, and I don’t think we should be fucking with it.

Put the clock down.

[elfie4306]

No, MY shaylas

[elfie4306]

Really treading the line of cancelling therapy today so I can go home and cry about JayVik (and TOTALLY not any underlying issues whos only real escape is crying about something else)

But I fear that is an indicator that I could use some therapy today.

[elfie4306]

Hey shout out to my mom who made me cry on purpose tonight! (Actually a good thing, I'm not being sarcastic lmao)

I forced her to watch Arcane with me (my second watch, her first), And before the end, where I BALLED my eyes out last watch, I said "I hope I cry again." I was a little sniffly, so my mom asked if I was ok, and I angrily replied "NO, BECAUSE I'M NOT CRYING AND THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME" so she decided to ask me DEVASTATING questions like "What made you cry about it last time?" and "What do you want Viktor to know right now?" to which my answer was just "That he's so loved," in THE most broken voice, and then I proceeded to break down in tears.

I love my mom so much. And when I said "Thanks for making me cry mom," she just said "It seemed like you needed the release." And then I broke down in tears again.

Jayvik, you will forever be a part of me.

[elfie4306]

WAIT JAYVIK GOT SUCKED INTO THE STONE??? I COMPLETELY MISSED THAT PART I WAS CRYING SO HARD NO WONDER I WAS LIKE “wait they’re dead?”

Arcane S2E9 Reactions

Ok, first thought, she had to carefully arrange her hair like that. 

MEL YOU GOTTA KILL YOUR MOM

I actually have no idea what Ambessa is trying to do, like why is she doing this? 

STOP I HATE THESE THINGS THAT WAS ACTUALLY TERRIFYING 

Oh my god these poor sisters just keep getting taunted with Vander

oh i know we’re not doing parallels right now

“But you were never broken Viktor” I’m gonna kill myself. 

Ok I need to pause it and just sit with my emotions for a second. It’s the “But you were never broken, Viktor. There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseparable piece of everything I admired about you.” 

I’ve rewinded to that part several times now. I’m ready to continue watching. 

Also, his face :(

VIKTOR??? BRO PLEASE I’LL CRY RIGHT NOW 

“ALL I WANT IT MY PATNER BACK stop im soppobing.  oh my god its so gay bro stop pushing him awy theyre gonna kiss right? I mean i wanna kiss him but I’m hapy for jayce to make him happy too. this is going to take over the next forseeable future of my life. 

VI I”VE BEEN CRYING FOR SO LONG NOW LET ME BREATHE< JINXX JINX POWDER OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER kill me now. vi. wait are they dead too? Jayce and Viktor? i cant breathe right now bro the sobs are gonna suffocate me. “our story isn’t over” shut the fuck up right now. i don’t think i can do this anymore. also i totally missed cait’s eye getting fucked up. 

“What did you think?” I think I’m not going to cut down on my therapy like I was planning. 

My head hurts and my neck is sticky from the tears.

[elfie4306]

It’s not fair that I’m not crying right now. I’m not done feeling, why can’t my tear ducts and endocrine system understand that?

[elfie4306]

No one talks about the guilt you feel as you leave a hyper fixation behind. I don’t want to abandon these people, but I can feel that I’m forcing myself to think about them, not thinking about them just because. And I feel bad because I don’t want to leave this old one behind, but I want to properly embrace this new one. It feels like a betrayal.

[elfie4306]

It's a good thing Arcane came out on Saturdays, cause I need at least a full day to recover from that. And some water.

I'm just supposed to go to bed right now? I'm supposed to "well, guess that's over" shut my laptop and stop writing all my thoughts and feelings and just...brush my teeth and call it a night? Man life is crazy, the stories the human mind is capable of are crazy and life changing and devastating, and we're just supposed to act like we're not deeply affected by it. Storytelling is peak humanity to me, not all this capitalism and technology and DEFINITELY not this AI shit, telling stories. That's what I find beautiful about life. It kind of feels like the point of humanity to me, and we're supposed to move past it, get on with our lives. That's fucked up. I just watched something so beautiful and so cared about, and I'm supposed to turn in some stupid fucking PSA related to budgeting for my personal finance class? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT TAXES? God i hate it here actually. Let me play D&D and write and learn my science and appreciate the world I live in, and not worry about getting a job. Let me be human.

Guess it's time to recharge so I can...I actually have nothing to do tomorrow, but MONDAY.

[elfie4306]

Arcane S2E9 Reactions

Ok, first thought, she had to carefully arrange her hair like that. 

MEL YOU GOTTA KILL YOUR MOM

I actually have no idea what Ambessa is trying to do, like why is she doing this? 

STOP I HATE THESE THINGS THAT WAS ACTUALLY TERRIFYING 

Oh my god these poor sisters just keep getting taunted with Vander

oh i know we’re not doing parallels right now

“But you were never broken Viktor” I’m gonna kill myself. 

Ok I need to pause it and just sit with my emotions for a second. It’s the “But you were never broken, Viktor. There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseparable piece of everything I admired about you.” 

I’ve rewinded to that part several times now. I’m ready to continue watching. 

Also, his face :(

VIKTOR??? BRO PLEASE I’LL CRY RIGHT NOW 

“ALL I WANT IT MY PATNER BACK stop im soppobing.  oh my god its so gay bro stop pushing him awy theyre gonna kiss right? I mean i wanna kiss him but I’m hapy for jayce to make him happy too. this is going to take over the next forseeable future of my life. 

VI I”VE BEEN CRYING FOR SO LONG NOW LET ME BREATHE< JINXX JINX POWDER OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER kill me now. vi. wait are they dead too? Jayce and Viktor? i cant breathe right now bro the sobs are gonna suffocate me. “our story isn’t over” shut the fuck up right now. i don’t think i can do this anymore. also i totally missed cait’s eye getting fucked up. 

“What did you think?” I think I’m not going to cut down on my therapy like I was planning. 

My head hurts and my neck is sticky from the tears.

[elfie4306]

Arcane S2E8 Reactions

EVERYONE KEEPS GETTING HOTTER

wait i dont wanna go back to this timeline yet :(

viktor :( you’re too pretty to be this wrong honey

OH MY GOD CAITLYN TOO?? I am nothing if not a sucker for loose hairs. 

WOAH THEY DOIN IT IS THAT A WLW RELATIONSHIP DONE RIGHT OR WHAT

mel you gotta kill your mom

ok stop it, say sike right now, im gonna turn it off. “I will miss our talks” No…you won’t” STOP IT

VIKTOR im crying