everyfeelingstays

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AND I GIVE MY BODY WILLINGLY TO THE SYNTHETIC DIVINE - transmonstera

[IMAGE ID: "TRANSSEXUALISM IS MY SALVATION AND I PRAY AT THE ALTAR OF SEX CHANGES AND HORMONES" in white bold text on a background of bright pink. there are praying hands on the left and right of the image, and cherubs on the top and bottom. white stars of varying sizes decorate the entire image which is overlayed in pink. END]

[everyfeelingstays]

mood tbh

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“I don’t want to be this broken anymore, but pain feels like home.”

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to anyone who lives with a past abuser who is not currently abusive:

the fact that they’re not hurting you as much anymore doesn’t invalidate the trauma they gave you. the fact that they’re not hurting you anymore doesn’t mean you have to forgive and forget.

you’re still allowed to want to escape. you’re still allowed to be hurt. you’re still allowed to want to cut them out of your life one day. you still deserve better. and you shouldn’t feel guilty about whatever complicated feelings you have

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time with complex trauma is like. i need to do everything all at once and if i don't i'm a failure, even if there's nothing to do. three months ago feels like yesterday but i can hardly remember yesterday anyway. i'm running out of time. for what? i don't know. i need everything to slow down but my life is so stagnant. i can't go to sleep because the day can't end, but i need the day to end or i'll go insane. i'm constantly worrying about the future but it feels like i have no future. i'm running out of time. for what? i don't know. time has no meaning but every second is the end of the world.

or is this just me?

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I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Keep reading

[everyfeelingstays]

did i actually relapse or did i just never recover

[everyfeelingstays]

I relapsed. On fucking christmas. Fuck.

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you’re not a bad person for wishing that your trauma was worse. you’re not a bad person for wanting to go back to a traumatic environment once you’ve left. you’re not a bad person for fantasising about your abuser(s).

these are all understandable (and common!) trauma responses. we all respond to trauma in different ways, and not all of them will make sense to people who haven’t lived through what you’ve lived through.

you deserve a better life, you deserve to feel safe in your brain, and you deserve to recover

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I think I’m getting better and then everything gets bad again. 

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“My 20s have been the loneliest era in my life. I am surrounded by people but not connecting with anyone. Everyone is living their own lives while I am still waiting for mine to start. I feel lost between what I should be feeling and how I actually feel.”

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