feelbettersooon

[feelbettersooon]

I want to be desperately alone again

[feelbettersooon]

I <3 my boyfriend 💌

[feelbettersooon]

being in a non toxic relationship for the first time is crazy

[feelbettersooon]

I am sooooo filed with live I might start overflowing 💌💌💌💌

[feelbettersooon]

his face, his mouth, his lips. his nose, his cheeks, his eyelashes. his eyebrows, his forehead, those earthy green eyes. his shoulders, his arms, his chest, his back. his obsession with frogs, fishing, and his car. his patience, his understanding. his intelligence. his love.

his love is so easy. I can feel it. his love feels amazing.

[feelbettersooon]

there’s too much love in my heart for one person to carry. can I give some of it to you? will you hold it for me?

[feelbettersooon]

to be loved, for real, for the first time is scary

[feelbettersooon]

I love my boyfriend

[feelbettersooon]

wish there was an alternative word to “love.” the way I feel about you is so immense, even if it could all just be fleeting.

[feelbettersooon]

my boyfriend is so wonderful. is it normal to still hold an overwhelming amount of fear of the fate of our relationship ?

[feelbettersooon]

life is so beautiful but so terrible at the same time.

I thought this and I thought about what my best friend would say. I don’t always agree with him but I think there’s always a lot of value in his responses. he would say, I thought, “the worst parts are what make life even richer.”

I agree. I have a strange relationship with life. I think that to be human is such a rich, beautiful experience, but at the same time, I would still give it up. it reminds me a little of the sublime.

I feel as though I’m staring at suffering and seeing the strange beauty in it. there is so much pure joy, though, at the same time. is it worth it? I guess since I was a child I was programmed to kind of feel like the bad outweighed the good. things haven’t always been in my favor.

I often wonder about god. I grew up an atheist, but i’ve learned a lot about religion. when I see this juxtaposition of beauty and horror, it makes me think of “god.” I have my own version of him, just like everyone who thinks of him does. I imagine he created all of this beauty, but he also created all of this suffering. is it really an outlandish thought that maybe he didn’t intend for all of his creations to grow old on earth? I think that maybe some of us weren’t meant to live the typical metamorphosis.

Not sure anyone will come across this, but I feel the need to remind anyone reading that this has nothing to do with any kind if established religion (i.e. judéo-christianismes, hindu religions). Mainly this is just my philosophy.

I have held the belief that Religon is a set of beliefs that people hold that people hold as true to themselves and to their values, not an actual set and strict practice. meaning to explore that more in myself.

[feelbettersooon]

I just want to hold my boy

[feelbettersooon]

I miss my boyfriend

[feelbettersooon]

me when i’m chillen with my cousin and I mention a memory from my eating disorder that’s wild in retrospect and she just says “ok.”

I think i’ll never talk again

[feelbettersooon]

last year, people started telling me for the first time that they liked my style. in particular, they liked how unique it was, how individually “me” it was, and how i never cared to conform to the people around me. while this is so relieving and flattering to hear as someone who has been insecure and criticized my whole life, i feel like it’s only hurt me. every day when i get dressed or shop: “is this me? am i being myself? is that what they want? have i started to conform too much?”

[feelbettersooon]

for whatever reason, i find that i still can’t decide how i want to live. i have this constant battle of identity.

should i be clean, minimal, and focus my energy into things that truly matter? aka be a clean girl, minimal, and classy.

or should i get in touch with my artistic expression that has always existed within me and rebel against the norms as i always have?

or should i just stop thinking about all of this and simply live without thinking about it?

and is there any way i can find balance between these things?

[feelbettersooon]

i feel like my life has not quite begun. so far, i’ve just been watching other people’s lives from the outside, dreaming of my own.