frillythingy - Tumblr blog

[frillythingy]

This may very well be my last update.

Things never did get better. I’ve been hurting so so much. I’ve lost basically everyone I ever cared about. I’ve never felt so alone and abandoned in all of my life. I’ve also never felt so certain that life had nothing to offer me. Every day is a pain that I just can’t keep enduring. It’s not fair to expect me to suffer forever.

I told myself a year ago that this April would mark when I make my final decision. By April’s end, I would decide if I have any reason to keep trying. And if life continued to be as miserable and awful as it is, I would finally give up entirely. Cuz I can’t just keep going on and on like this. I don’t have that kind of endurance. Especially not alone.

So far, NOTHING has improved. I’m still alone, I’m still suffering, I’m still worthless, I still make no money, I still can’t do the things I love, and it’s becoming clearer that these will never get better ever again.

You can blame me if you want to. I know it’s my fault for losing the people I loved most. I know I’m terrible at being a friend. And you can blame me for being weak and giving up too. But I just can’t do this forever. My mind wasn’t well to begin with. NORMAL life had been difficult. But this? This life where I can never do anything I love and I will always be alone? This is impossible. I can’t keep torturing myself by fighting a losing battle. It’s not fair to me.

So I make my final decision on April 30th. And it seems extremely likely that I’ll decide it’s time to stop. Unless something miraculous were to happen that involved becoming free again and my friends forgiving my stupid terrible self, I’m going to shut down entirely. Especially because my birthday is in may, and I don’t want to have to be reminded again of what I’ve lost.

I’m sorry it has to come to this. But I’m tired. I can’t fight forever. I’m not well. The only reason I made it as far as I did was because of the help of my beloved friends and family. But now they’re gone and things just keep getting worse.

I hope you all remember how amazing you all are and how much each and every one of you meant to me. Please don’t take my failure as a reason to give up on yourselves. Hate me if you wish, but never forget that I believe in you all.

I might say something again at April’s end. I might not. Writing this hurts a lot. But I was willing to do it because I think you all deserve to know what happened to me.

I wish you all the best.

-Madeline

(A.k.a. Frillythingy, Coffee Fueled Author)

[frillythingy]

I am still here.

But I am very unwell.  Still, you deserve to know what happened to me.

I am spiraling deeper and deeper into a terrible depression that I cannot overcome. I’ve lost countless friends, failed everything I’ve tried, and can’t even take care of myself. 

Its very complicated and to explain would take a long time. 

I keep trying to find things I am good at that I could use to build some sort of career. But nothing ever takes, and I can’t help but feel like there is no hope for me to succeed. 

The crippling loneliness has become too much for me. I feel so very alone.  Even though I’m the one who hid away and caused this loneliness. 

I am very unwell.  I don’t know what to do. 

but please know that I’ve never stopped thinking about you all. I wish you all the very best out of life, even if that means I’m no longer a part of it. 

I’m sorry

[frillythingy]

South Park

Created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker

Available on Hulu

[frillythingy]

Now my phone is dead. 

I can’t afford a new one. I cant afford to fix my computer or to fix my car. I barely afford my medication. 

I haven’t had a commission in 2 years.

I can’t do this. I absolutely despise myself. 

[frillythingy]

Decided to redraw some of my earliest character designs. The Syber and Hydora comics had at least 100 strips, hhh. Most of which were awful cuz I was in middle school. I wanted to digitally color this, but my computer promptly exploded.

[frillythingy]

Someone specifically asked me to draw the 'other' group of ninjas. And Let's Fighting Love was stuck in my head the entire time I worked on it. The third game better be about ninjas. It's the logical next step

[frillythingy]

Glanced in the distance while playing and wondered 'is that a cat?' Yes. Yes it was. And it was heading out to sea. Godspeed, submarine cat.

[frillythingy]

I’ll just make all the weird tiny food. This time, it was Waffles.

Japan must have a very different take on waffles. Cuz this came with cranberry jelly, ‘melon’ paste, and blueberry sauce. Syrup anyone?

This was by far the tastiest of the tiny foods I have made. So yay for waffles, haha.

[frillythingy]

I was put through so many medical tests. 

They told me what I already knew I had, and a few new things that I was unaware of that I get to worry about now. 

And they still have no clue what to do to help.

It’s so hard to want to keep trying when it feels like theres been *no* progress. 

[frillythingy]

My part for a big group art thing I was invited to. Where did the get so many balloons?? And how do they plan on getting back down?? Commission me for art, stickers, and keychains. Or buy me a Ko-fi. Please and thanks! >w

[frillythingy]

I'm lying awake being completely eaten alive by guilt for being so so stupid and letting every last one of my friends down. The guilt is so miserably painful. If I am doomed to this for the rest of my life, I'm not sure I'll last very long. I just can't take the thought of hurting people. It's something I can't handle.

[frillythingy]

What a weird cat. Of course I'm watching Matt Groening's new show! I really like the design for Luci and how he looks so flat all the time. And also he has cute horns and fangs and a little tail, so I pretty much HAD to draw him. I'm trying to take it slow and savor it, but I am also really hoping they get more seasons.

[frillythingy]

Toolshed’s getting to work!

Drawing their superhero forms is just to much fun. This particular drawing was done as a gift for the incredibly kind and amazingly talented @cranky-zanky who you should totally check out if you haven’t yet!!

Don’t forget that I take commissions as well.

[frillythingy]

Another digimon I designed for my story Of Chaos and Time. Katzemon is a Rookie digimon who bears the crest of the Psy Guardian. Her attack "Deflection Discus" sets up a round see-through barrier that allows friendly attacks to pass through, while bouncing all foes projectiles back the way they came. Chitounmon is her in-training stage.

[frillythingy]

Ecco as seen in the Man's Nightmare chapter of the story. That was always my favorite part. I love decaying machinery~ And I get so used to seeing him all decorated with his "Crimson" flippers and his "Labor Harness". When Dolphins Nightmare rolls around, I always feel so naked. Don't forget about commissions cuz I could really use the funds right now.

[frillythingy]

More weird tiny foods from Japan. This time was cakes and ice cream. It's hard to see in the pics, but it was a strawberry vanilla twist. MAKING IT SURE WAS HARD. They were tasty though, so it's okay. These things are so weird.

[frillythingy]

I'm sorry for driving everyone crazy. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, so