fxghr - Tumblr blog

[fxghr]

5 ingredient peanut butter cup nice cream

Really nice recipes. Every hour.

Show me what you cooked!

[fxghr]

I'm feel like my innards are trying to claw through my skin and run run run far away and I don't know how to stay still but I don't know where to go or how to get there.

[fxghr]

Somehow, to me, saying "it's not your fault" is one of the most insulting things ever. Of fucking course it's not my fucking fault. I know that. Stop repeating that goddamn phrase, what difference does it make whether or not it was my fault? It's not like that undoes any of the damage done.

[fxghr]

Also I think I might be falling into depression again. Which sucks.

[fxghr]

I wish I could tell mum how little I want her advice or words of encouragement. I know she means well. Or I assume she does because she says she does, but she doesn't do well.

[fxghr]

I eat too much blue cheese these days. But I really can’t help myself. It’s the food of the gods, I’m sure of it. I can’t believe I didn’t use to like this. I wouldn’t admit it of course, because I was a precocious child with precocious sensibilities and precocious taste, so of course I had to like blue cheese (although that makes absolutely no sense at all, because I was a notoriously picky eater as a child and nobody would’ve found it strange if I had outright objected it from the start, preferably with a big goofy blegh -- fat chance). I’ll put it on sandwiches, in toasts, devour it on its own, on gingerbread, lick up the crumbs from the counter (sanitation?).

Another thing I’ve been doing way too much lately is reminiscing, aren’t I too young to be nostalgic? I think of people I have no business thinking about, I want to meet people I by all rights have no right to see, but I want to see them, I want to apologise, make amends, understand, make them understand, I really do. But most of all I miss them so much. I’ve always been the type to miss things. I get too caught up in the moment, I throw myself in and I forget who I am, or at least, whom I act like, my persona, and afterwards I don’t know how to get back. I take every opportunity I can, but I forget my standards and principles and hurt people.

But I’m still happy I take those opportunities, I really am. I’m grateful for that streak in me, I just wish I could make more opportunities for myself. I wish I could talk more about myself without dragging the mood down, or perhaps my life is just that glum?

[fxghr]

I’m sorry

I used to be pissed a lot. Angry a lot. I’d be annoyed and irritated. These days I'm mostly sad. I can’t be angry any more. I'm sad for them, but mostly, I'm sad for myself. I'm sad for all the things that happened to me that I didn't deserve, for the young, impressionable me that so desperately needed love and reassurance but who never ever got a glimpse of it, sad for the me who was told that that was love and care, in their own way. Sad for the me who is afraid to trust and  to love; to be trusted and loved. Sad for my mum who is riddled with guilt for how she mistreated me. Sad for my dad who lost his daughter. Sad for my parents, who perhaps did love me after all, who will never feel my love, who will never feel my trust, who will never be responsible for my accomplishments or achievements, sad that there may come a day when they’ll never meet me again, sad that they may never meet their future grandchildren, sad that I spite them, sad that what I do and accomplish is in spite of them. Sad that I can never love them. Sad that I can’t love. Sad that I don’t believe in love. Sad that I was so alone for so long with no one to help me. Sad that I can’t go back in time and take care of the scared child that was me. Sad that I wasn't alone, and that I can see it happen all around me. Sad that I don’t know how to help or what to do. Sad that I understand my parents, sad that I can no longer be angry with them, too fatigued to hate them. I just don’t want anything to do with them.

I'm sorry, I don’t even hate you any more, mum, dad. I wish we could've loved each other. I wish you could've made me a good person. 

[fxghr]

So I've been in a near constant state of lethargic anxiety for the last couple of weeks. I'm trying really hard to manage but I can't, but I don't want to go back to therapy and psychiatry in general and I can't be weak right now because people depend on me and I'm supposed to be fine and balanced now. God, I'm tired. I don't know how it's even possible to have your stomach cramping from anxiety while you're completely indifferent to your own life, but apparently it can be done. 

[fxghr]

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so how why? 

 I guess… Well, my friend A makes me feel pretty great about myself, she’s a really brilliant friend, to be honest, super-supportive, always ready to give you compliments, very blunt and always seems to sense when somethings off and she’s always just really sympathetic. I mean, we do get each other, we’ve been through similar stuff, but that doesn’t really necessitate the kind of friendship that we do share, but I’m happy that it lead to this. Very happy indeed. Always a little bit happier and a little bit more, man this sounds lame, inspired. Just inspired, not inspired in any specific way, I just want to indulge more and understand more and do more. Just more, all round. And man, this all sounds so lame, mais je m’en fous. My other friend J makes me feel better about myself too, but in a very different way, now this sounds incredibly dickish, and that’s because it kinda is, I suppose, but in a sort of way as to that I feel a bit… Like a mentor? Or no, but someone who can sort of help her, and I do try to help her with a lot of stuff that while I’m still trying to figure out, I’ve gotten more figured out than her (next stop, foot in the mouth award). This is largely a very selfish service, but it does make me feel better. And hopefully it helps her too, I don’t know, maybe I should ask her? And also, like A, she does give you a lot of compliments, she’s really very, very sweet.

[fxghr]

Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?

I felt quite confident in myself this last Friday, I was inviting my friend, persuading her not so gently to come join us in this almost borderline presumptuous way very unlike how I usually do things, but how I often feel like I would’ve liked to be able to do things. I was talking to random strangers about random shit, I had confidence in my stride, I had fun, I didn’t give shit about what people thought and a little of this rubbed off and I’m still feeling it a bit today. It’s really mostly just not caring about the opinion of others, but as simple as it sounds, doing it is pretty difficult, especially at first. I am getting better at it though and that’s pretty fab.

[fxghr]

I've always been very obsessed with "having the right" to do things, or more like, obsessed with whether or not I did, and usually coming to the conclusion that no, I do not. I don't really know why, I suppose everyone does to a degree, but it's really kind of a really boring way to live your life, always questioning your right to do something as simple as sending someone a "hello" on facebook. I mean, obviously, there are things that totally are not OK to do and that I neither have any business nor right to do, but there are tons of stuff, tons, that I've neglected to do because I was scared that on one plane or another I wasn't really allowed to. And maybe I wasn't. But does that really, really matter? Somehow, I'm just not feeling that any more. Or maybe it's just the general folie from having broken up with you boyfriend yesterday and maybe everything will turn back to normal again, but right now, in this very moment, everything feels quite doable.

[fxghr]

Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, one of the most foundational texts of our culture, was published on this day in 1963 – here is a look at its seminal legacy half a century later.

(Illustration by Lisa Congdon)

—

For more ideas on expanding your learning horizons, check out Noodle. 

[fxghr]

Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?

When I sent in my last maths assignment, it’s kind of a banal thing to be proud of, but it was a fear that I somehow conquered a little bit. No, wait hold on, that’s not the last thing, it was when I sat and studied for that inhumanely insanely long time that one sunday last week. It felt so, so, so, so, right. And that made me proud, I followed my intuition and I did something that I felt was right and that helped me and I felt IN CONTROL. I think control might be one of the most important things for human survival, it doesn’t really matter what kind of control it is or how you use it, but control is vital, without it we wither and die, whether we realise it or not. Because sometimes we look at others and see how they live and think that their kind of control is a better kind of control -- and maybe we’re right -- and we assume that because their control is so much better, so much more sophisticated, we ourselves cannot possibly be exercising control over our lives and sometimes that IS the case, but usually we are just unaware of all the ways in which we are in TOTAL control. And it kinda takes losing control altogether and then REALISING that that’s what happened, which takes a really long fucking time and only really happens when you let go of the fear of not being in control. It’s only through completely losing it that you can rebuild and reconstruct your control. Because what’s lost is lost and you can never find it and you can never ever rebuild it the same way, even trying just feels off and wrong, even though it looks and sounds and smells so familiar, it’s just wrong now because you lost it. And that’s really disheartening because it feels like you’ve alienated yourself, and in a way, you kinda have, but perhaps, ultimately for the better. But you can’t really know that until years have gone past and you’re recollecting or maybe reminiscing, hopefully nostalgic. Nostalgia is probably the most bitter-sweet of emotions, it’s appreciating something so long gone it’s no longer even a part of you, but an ancient, dead culture in a cave somewhere and you’re rediscovering for the first time in centuries, and only through your eyes can it be as fully and encompassingly revered and marvelled at as it truly deserves, because whomever habited that place at the time was too concerned with other things. And that’s just so bitter-sweet, because it’s truly a lovely feeling and you should always strive for your every waking moment to induce a sense of nostalgia one day, but at the same time, nostalgia hurts. You miss things, you regret, you miss things, good lord I hate it when I miss things.

[fxghr]

Day 11: Is your self talk like negative or positive? If it is negative what are some more positive ways to talk to yourself?

These days, it’s mostly positive, I’d say, negative thoughts sometimes strike me, but they feel unnatural and “wrong” (not like morally wrong, but I just don’t really feel like I agree with them anymore and I can’t relate to them). I’m careful not to fall into traps of negative thoughts, and when I do, I try to turn that around and instead be more like neutral, or preferably, positive. I actively look for the silver lining and actively play devil’s advocate with my negative thoughts, even if for just the sake of the debate itself (on days where I don’t feel brilliant about myself). I’m kind of impressed how much progress I’ve done in this area, considering how negative and down-right mean I used to be to myself.

[fxghr]

Day 10: Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so why or why not?

To be honest, fairly, yes, but I also feel like she could use a lot of development, but I like it in here, it’s nice and I like the direction in which my general thought patterns are going (more optimistic, more keen to help others, more keen to experience new things, more interested in building myself up rather than tearing myself down, renewed interest in things depression took away from me, regaining wit and quickness of mind and thought, more on my feet mentally, more understanding, more grateful, kinder -- both to myself and others).

[fxghr]

Day 9: Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? and if so not how can you change that?

I’m beginning to respect myself more, I’m beginning to like myself more, I’m beginning to think of my younger me’s as valid individuals who made good choices based on what they knew at the time and not the consequences that present me or later me’s had to deal with that they simply could not possibly foresee. I’m also beginning to think that my body deserves to be treated well (cleaned, well-fed, kept warm, embellished with pretty and comfy clothes and hairstyles and accessories and cuddled and hugged the shit out of). I’m also beginning to think that my persona and my mind deserves to be treated well, both by others, but especially me. I’m brilliant. People are gunna disagree because people be chuggin’ the hatorade, but I’ve got ideas! Good ones too! And I can be pretty damn creative! And my writing is pretty damn innovative, sometimes. And yeah, I can do stuff, loads of stuff and I’m good at them and I can only improve at this point and my mind and its brilliance is coming back to me, maybe because I believe in it, and because I let it come, not trying to pull and drag at it, I mean, it does make sense: I’ve been degrading and calling it a loser for 18+ years and when it finally throws its tiny little doll-hands up (imagining my intellect as a doll, because the world of creativity and imagination is a miniature version of our own, but with dolls) and says “fuck this, fuck you, I’m out” and crouches up, propped behind a wall somewhere, said and deflated I couldn’t possibly, reasonably, have expected it to come back to my demeaning voice not urging but demanding and ordering it to come back right this instant. My intellect was a runaway child and I was an asshole parent who didn’t respect or treat it the way I should’ve. I only drove it further away with my frustration, anger and desperation. But through understanding and patience its slowly coming to trust me more, I’ve learnt her value and I think I might love her a bit, like I realised I loved my dog the other day when I spent 45 min crying fervidly like a kid, not giving a fuck, on the bus over the threat of having to give him up. My little Luddtuss. And I think that’s how I’m beginning to feel about myself, and I love that. I really want and need to care about myself, I’m important.

[fxghr]

Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

I really love eating my weirdly made sautéed onions and cherry tomatoes omelette that any professional chef would surely sneer at (I don’t like it runny, OK?), half because I’ve kinda mastered it in terms of what I personally like, and half because it tastes really great. I also love eating soup, soup is great. I’m not that partial to ready-made soups though, home made ftw. Meatloaves and meatballs are life and anything with a nice brown sauce and boiled potatoes and lingonberry jam and a chilly, tall glass of milk is brilliant. Love the motherballsing shit out of that. And stews with rice is pretty tasty too. Oh, oh, oh, and spinach lasagna. And smörgåstårta, fuck me that shit is good.