gamktheonion

[gamktheonion]

This pressure in my chest

Am I having a heart attack?

When I think of you

I want everything, I want the world

But I don't want anything that isn't you

The pain makes me feel more alive than ever

But it's so intense it could kill me

I'm afraid to say those words

I'm afraid it's just an illusion …

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

What is loneliness?

I would describe it as a void in the soul, a hole that cannot be filled by anyone. I believe that loneliness has much more to do with us than with other people, it can be a sad outlook on life, but in the end we are born and die alone. The illusion of having people by our side is just a sweet illusion we create to comfort ourselves, there is no guarantee in the world that people won't betray or abandon us, we don't know what they really think of us and how far they would go for us. What I'm trying to say is that life is lonely, maybe for the vast majority of people that realization of life will take longer to arrive or maybe it won't arrive at all, but everyone has their own life and the only person who is going to be 100% dedicated to your life and understand it at that 100% is yourself. This is probably the most difficult feeling to accept, because it hurts, and it hurts a lot...

Ps. This question took my sleep, a few nights ago and I wanted to share my "conclusion" here. It hurt a little to realize and even more to deal with this loneliness of the soul. I wanted to know more from you guys, who are like a great diary of strangers and who deep down make me feel so welcomed and free to write about my thoughts, what is loneliness?

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

forever

Maybe the word forever

Wasn't meant for people

For places

Relationships

In a world so unstable

Nothing can be so concrete

Even a word

Even an idea

Only memories can carry

The immutability of affection forever

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

I wanted to be a psychopath

To have no emotions

No pain, no remorse, not even worry

A life without the pain caused

By the people you love most

Those who should protect you

Who should love you

I wanted to kill my feelings

I wanted to stop caring

I wanted to suffocate that part of me

That wants everything to be again

That fantasy of long ago

gamk

[gamktheonion]

Deep down I always knew

But I never admitted it

So I created this mask

To hide the truth from me and from everyone

I never loved myself

Never accepted me or welcomed me

I learned to live with my company

And to tolerate and repress the hate I feel when I look in the mirror

I got used to wearing a mask when going out on the street

So that at least others won't see what a failure I am

[gamktheonion]

I wanted you so much

I wanted so much to spend my days knowing that you are mine

But fear consumes me

If you reject me

I'd rather die

But try

Even the slightest bit

And fail, for me it's the same

I'm afraid to die alone

And afraid to be loved

Because deep down I know

That anyone deserves someone better than me

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

It's funny to think

That the constant feeling

I have of wanting to disappear

In reality is

The constant feeling

Of wanting to be found

[gamktheonion]

With soft, pointed thorns

Arrives slowly, with the familiar air

Of one who has been here before

And knows where to step

And where to strike

How to run from something that can't catch me

How to escape from a killer who has no face

How can I be a victim of my own feelings

Of my own fears

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

Sneakily he arrives

Almost like an assassin

This pain in my chest that suffocates me

That takes away my air and my joy

Reminds me that happiness is fleeting

That I can't run away from the truth

I'm all fucked up

trapped in this fucked up world

And no matter how hard I try to escape

Emptiness and sadness always find me

No matter how hard I try to be happy

I know that sooner or later it's gonna end

I can't even cry

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

I’m a disappointment

I’m a mistake

I’m useless

Weak

I add nothing to anyone

Why does anyone want me around?

Fake

All fake

Nobody cares about me

Even I don't care about myself anymore

Honestly, I just cry out of frustration

Frustration for who I can never be

Frustration for the life I'll never live

Will I ever be able to forgive you?

I don't know, but today

You are dead to me

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

Your recent favourite poetry & Do suggest a poetry book.

My favorite poem is by a poet from my country, I will leave it here for you:

Without Medicine, by Florbela Espanca

Those who have much love for me

Don't know what I feel and what I am

They don't know that one day pain passed

At my door, and that day it entered.

And it is since then that I feel this dread

This cold that walks within me, and freezes

What good has Our Lord done to me!

If I don't even know where I am going and where I intend to go!

I feel the steps of pain, this cadence

Which is already an endless torture, which is dementia!

Which is already a mad desire to scream!

And which is always the same sadness, the same boredom

the same deep anguish, without medicine,

Following me, without letting go!

About the book indication, my favorite at the moment is "shame is an ocean I swim across" by Mary lambert. If you read it, I hope you enjoy it ❤️

[gamktheonion]

would anyone be able to love me?

I think I'm not enough to make someone happy

I think I am incapable of being happy

I'm just a heap of failures

Frustrations and disappointments

Full of wounds and traumas

Beaten like a punching bag

How can anyone love

A being that is thrown in the gutter?

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

And at the end of the day

When I lie down

I feel like a baby

But without its mother

It's just a vulnerable piece of meat

Just another person lying in bed

Not even able to dream

Thrown like garbage

Disposable to anyone

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

For a second, I close my eyes

And from the top of the building

I cry out to the world

With all my anguish

All my fear and despair

“WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE"?

My answer is silence

The deafening silence

In the midst of the storm

My tears were already mingling with the rain

And I felt I could fly

with the cozy windstorm

That took over my body and my mind

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

Nothing I do is good enough

No matter how hard I try

Will you ever be able to be proud of me ?

Would I ever be able to be proud of myself?

Will I be able to fill this hole in my chest?

Or will I just dig a bigger grave?

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

In the end

It's you for you

We were born alone

And we will die alone

Fight for yourself

No one will do it for you

-gamk

[gamktheonion]

I am sick, sick of myself, of my thoughts. I don't know at what point I started to hate myself so much, I look in the mirror with contempt and feel nothing but disgust. Disgusted with who I have become and who I can't help being. It is already 3 in the morning and I am here sickened by my presence. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't me, I'm pathetic.