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Hugs from the past

It was 2017 and I was full of hope,

for an exciting year abroad to come,

young and brave and ready to cope,

with the futures gift - be it stress or fun.

I came to this country so peaceful and calm,

only interrupted by students shouting at night,

there I was at the airport in Stockholm

and was certain that my future will be bright.

Just like in this old German song,

I was “a student in Uppsala” – this small vibrant place,

and feeling at home didn’t take long

because yours was not the only friendly face.

There were kindhearted people in that Master,

that joined us for one or the other food shopping trip,

we had dinners that once almost ended in a disaster,

-  not burning your hair seems like a good tip.

And while in winter we were smoking my hair,

we BBQ-ed and played Kubb once it got warm,

sneaky girl, we have tons of stories to share,

that happened in the student dorm.

While eating food “that is good for women”,

we were fooling around, dancing and singing,

around a small table on chairs and bed linen

- and to the whole fun this was just the beginning.

We had gamenights and sometimes a study session,

after sequencing some herring DNA

what could we do? – Science was our passion

(or at least those friends made me stay).

I studied and yet I learned so much more,

once I left the lecture rooms behind,

there was unknown territory to explore

and the Swedes were shy but always kind.

I started traveling quickly,

my first time being in Europe’s North,

we were not very picky,

as long as we could go back and forth.

By bus I saw Oslo, Copenhagen and tons of snow,

I experienced the magic dancing of Northern Light,

the trips piled up fast once I was in the flow,

saw christmassy Gothenburg and Stockholm by night.

We slept in huts drinking home brewed beer,

played cards till the time ghosts go for a ride,

far from civilization we had nothing to fear,

because we were always by each other’s side.

Oh, how I wish this time had lasted,

too soon the year had passed,

on Valborg the town got blasted

and in June I had to leave it at last.

Sometimes we hope it would stand still,

but the world is always spinning and moving fast,

so now I am sitting in Groningen and until

we meet again I am sending you hugs from the past.

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A secret fan

But at night I have all these words in my head

- all these words that I have never said,

because I was too shy and too afraid

of how they will be received - and their weight

for our future interaction.

I wonder what would give me more satisfaction:

the relief of having said what I feel

and at least partially reveal

that I like you a little more than I should

or keeping it to myself for good  

so I can preserve my little role in your universe.

You knowing it could make it much worse

and pretty awkward in our daily routine,

so that’s why it should better stay unseen.

Probably I’ll tell you when I leave

that – aware or not – you are a little thief,

because you stole a piece of my heart

and that I find you attractive – ‘cause you are smart

and that attracts more than appearance alone,

although I think everything of you could be shown,

‘cause indeed you are a handsome man,

your style, your looks, your humor – I am a (secret) fan.

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Burdens

Am I too convinced, is my opinion too strong,

can I stand with people without telling they're wrong?

Can I once just hold back my rigid mind,

simply try to be understanding and kind?

Not judging because people think differently;

seeing that worlds center isn't me.

Especially in this certain point - which is mutual,

I can't be even close to being neutral.

I judge people, I make them bad

just because what they do makes me sad.

I behave like it is the worst they could do,

and like I'd know better what is good for you.

But what gives me the right to judge?

Because I never tried - and so I don't know much

about what it feels - like this experience,

instead I built up this immense fence

to be sure that what once happened won't happen again,

cause I don't know what would break in me then.

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Imagine ...

Snowy mountains or stormy sea,

Just think of it and you can let it be.

It is so easy for you to become free,

Don’t just look, but try to see.

Make small things grow and paint them bright,

Care for people and borrow them light.

Imagine – these many things you could do,

If you would stop doubting and start being you.

Imagine yourself surrounded by family,

Having a house, a garden with a huge tree.

Or imagine yourself getting gray, weak and old

And having no stories which are worth to be told.

It is finally, if I want to be honest my friend,

Totally up to you and in your own hand.

Just always remember that it is up to you,

Where you go in life and what you go through,

If you can imagine it, it can also get true,

So don’t say “it’s impossible”, but start to do.

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Life advice from the world?

World, you knock again on my door,

but I can’t really see what this is for.

You like to challenge me,

to imprison and set me free.

You raise hopes in me, but also fears,

make me smile and then again cry tears.

You like to surprise me when I’m unprepared,

guess you just want to make me scared.

Do you do this on purpose? Yes, I am quite sure

and this is what leaves me insecure.

Now, you planted these new thoughts in my mind,

but that scares me, because they are of that kind,

that destroyed me once before,

left me wounded and sore.

Can I really start again when I just revealed

my old scars, which are barely healed?

I’m waiting for answers so desperately,

but at the same time already plan my destiny.

Can I once just be normal and not extreme,

can’t I just watch without being seen?

Can’t I just once not put all my heart in it,

can I once just be, without having to fit?

Mind, don’t focus on one single thought,

or for sure you will soon get caught.

Am I ready? I totally think I am not,

but why is then there this small spot,

in me, that is screaming “Come on, go!”

Why would I be so high and then so low?

Am I really moving on so slow

or is this just part of my one-man show?

World, please help me, give me a sign,

should I be brave and try to shine?

Or should I hide deep in the forest so green?

Growing well and safe – but being unseen. 

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A love letter to a special star

I was waiting for you too many days

and missed your comfort in plenty of ways.

I like dressing up for and because of you

and I know that for me you are life’s’ clue,

to happiness, joy and well-being

and no matter where it goes I keep foreseeing

that you will always cheer me up;

you are like my personal relaxation club.

You warm me up when I am cold

and I hope you stay with me till I am old.

When I wake up with you my day is better immediately,

where you are is the place I should also be.

For the rest of my life I will need your company

and this relationship is not just between you and me.

There are so many people who need your power;

and other life forms – the tree and the flower.

You bring life to this planet, you make it bright,

you shine and gift us with hours of light.

You make plants grow and people raise,

you prepare me for troubles I have to face.

Because of you I can go to the pool,

swim in the sea and order drinks cool.

And furthermore you are the reason,

that summer is my favorite season.

I might find millions of you, if I would go far,

but sun, you will always be my favorite star.

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Friendship - love’s wiser brother

I’d somehow wish I would not care

about the things you still share,

all that stuff that you post online,

about which I’d love to say “I’m fine.”

The fun things that seem to fill up your days

give my heart cracks in so many ways.

You hold another girl in your arms,

bewitching her with your smile and charms.

And even though I know I can’t get you back

and start to feel it a little less – that lack,

I can’t stand seeing anyone close to you

am I so easily exchangeable with someone new?

I wish I could just move on and forget the past,

concentrate on my future and make sure it will last,

longer with whoever is up to come into my life,

but can I really still imagine becoming a wife

one day or is life easier without any men,

but even if, is that what I can?

For right now I guess it’s the easier way,

to tell myself I wouldn’t stay anyway.

To concentrate on loves wiser brother,

“friendship” is the name of the other,

now because instead of stealing your heart

friends will help to heal and not to break apart.

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Walls ...

Since we stopped talking I’m trying so much,

to make my heart immune against your touch.

I try to think of everything except for you,

not to show people what I’m going through.

Every day that passes I add some bricks to my wall

and yes – in small steps it’s becoming tall.

But then something hits me randomly,

sometimes it’s a picture, sometimes a memory.

I hear way too often your common name

and it always feels kind of the same.

My thoughtfully built wall gets little breaks

remind me of one of my biggest mistakes

that I made with letting you in my heart,

although I knew we will be miles apart.

With the help of people who care about me,

I try to rebuilt the walls stability,

by filling the cracks with cement

“It’s as immaculate as before” – we pretend.

But secretly we know it is not true

and so – and that’s also because of you –

the next day I start to build another wall in front;

to protect the rotten one behind is its bond.

This cycle repeats and repeats

until there is someone who defeats

it because he’s really interested in me

and then I should accept that as my destiny

because he is  brave enough to take the path

which is directly leading through my wrath

and sadness; through ruins goes the way to my heart

as soon as someone is able to break the walls apart.

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Life is like the ocean ...

Life is like the ocean. Sometimes it’s wild and demanding. You can barely see where it takes you. Sometimes it’s peaceful and organized so that you clearly see the direction you reach to. Sometimes you can reach the ground and can still see through the surface - sometimes you can't. Then you should just float instead of trying to determine your direction too tightly. Sometimes high mountain-waves will overwhelm you and push you down. Then it’s your turn to return to a place where you can breathe freely again. In exchange you will be able to surf on some high waves and see the world from above. Yes, sometimes you can reach high. Sometimes you miss this opportunity and stay in the valley between the waves. But sooner or later there will be one you can jump on.

In some cases you'll discover beauty at a place where you didn't anticipate it. Like a pearl hidden in a grey inconspicuous shell. Or colorful fishes in a hidden cave made out of rocks. Sometimes life will push you forward and sometimes it will take you back. It’s your challenge to find a safe place to stay at. Yes, it can hurt you, but it can also put you on ecstasy. It’s an up and down, a give and take. And finally it’s all about perspective. While the ocean is just a tiny little spot from outer space - compared to all the planets and even galaxies that wait beyond - it’s the whole world for a fish inside.

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A letter to places ...

Dear home,

it has been a while since I went away,

my life choices stole me the possibility to stay.

Well, I don’t regret it, it was an amazing year,

I saw and learned a lot, got rid of my fear.

I added new chapters to my book of life

and figured out how to survive

without my loved ones surrounding me,

found out how it feels to be completely free.

But now, after all I’ve been through,

I feel that it is time to come back to you.

I miss your way of life and your flair

and of course – to be honest and fair,

your inhabitants – my friends and family,

finally, I am part of that unity.

 Dear former unknown places,

I got the possibility to discover you,

I saw smiles in so many different faces

and you taught me so much new.

And yes – all of you are beautiful in your own way,

in some of you I would really have liked to stay,

at least a little longer to enjoy the magic place,

to get a bit stronger, see the backside of your face

You are part of me now and will always be,

you changed my inner state and became my memory.

You awoke my desire to travel often and far,

to go to the desert to watch every single star,

to climb mountains and swim in rivers and lakes,

to learn more about cultures and make mistakes

while trying to learn their mother tongue

and feeling completely unbound and young.

If making me adventurous was your goal indeed,

I can just say: “Congratulations, you did succeed.”

I really hope to see some of you again

and to meet your people, women and men

that were part of my biggest journey in life,

with joy and wanderlust it was rife.

So thanks for giving me all this experience,

as I leave I can just say: “this time was intense.”

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If

Everytime I think about my life,

I ask myself “how did I survive?”

And what would have happened if I reacted in another way,

what if I would have left where I shouldn’t stay?

What if I gave someone else my heart?,

what if I would have known how to start

a conversation with the person who sat next to me

would my life story be told very differently?

Where would I live, which place would I call home?

Would I be in a relationship or on my own?

Would I know you? Would I remember your smile?

Would I have saved more or less pictures in my computer file?

Would we have danced in the moonlight that night?

Would I ever have had a physical fight?

Would you have been wrong and I was right?

Should I have taken that one flight,

to follow you to the worlds unknown part

or would you have broken my fragile heart?

Yes, if the word “if” wouldn’t exist,

I’d might have other achievements on life’s list.

But it exists and is present, every single day

and put doubts in my heart, if I am really okay,

with doing that and I am often unsure,

because destiny’s outcome is insecure.

So I continue my life the way I always did

and try to find the place in which I fit.

It’s a long journey and I have to be strong,

but one day I’ll find the place where I belong.

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Endless masquerade

The world is an endless masquerade,

we are all dancing on the blade,

we all try to grin and bear,

to hide our inner covert fear.

Do you ever wonder when you see a smiling face,

a beautiful appearance and an open gaze,

what the person who wears it hides,

what inner struggle the owner fights?

No, because that’s not what you want to see

and I can’t blame you, because it’s the same for me.

We have to function tells us society,

don’t lose your outer dignity,

by showing emotions in public places

don’t let tears distort your faces.

Why are we asking people “How are you?”

when we – and I guarantee that it is true –

don’t really want to get an honest response

just want to see the surface of the ponds.

Nothing else than a flowery phrase,

to hide in beautiful looking lace,

what would poison the surrounding air,

the truth, that we don’t really care.

So we keep pretending that we are fine,

smiling and having an awesome time

that we don’t struggle and enjoy our life

that there is no reason to take a knife

and put it deeper in our bleeding heart

breaking us a little more apart.

No, we wear this mask that we call smile

make sure that it lasts at least for a while,

even if for real we would prefer to cry,

nowadays most people a therefore too shy.

We are all actors in an endless movie called life,

pretending to be a good husband, a decent wife.

We get rid of our masquerade rarely

show how we really feel barely

we try to sell a glossy model of ourselfes,

put our weaknesses away in shelfes.

We all struggle and pretend not to do,

So before you ask the next time: “How are you?”

think about it first and then decide

if you are ready to discover what we hide.

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Time

Time, my biggest enemy,

again and again it’s you against me.

Whatever you give me, you don’t give me enough

and that is what makes my life so tough.

My head is full of things I want to do,

but what works against my plans is always you.

Especially if I waste you for one more responsibility,

you leave me too less for just being me.

And be with the people I love to be around,

listen to music and feel the lifes sound.

Time abroad you were supposed to help me find myself,

to choose and keep my spot in the lifes bookshelf.

Instead you made me loose some convictions

and showed me that it makes no sense to make predictions.

Things sometimes change just by chance

it can be everything – a kiss, a promise, a dance.

Month become weeks and weeks become days,

time, I beg you, please slow down your pace.

But you don’t listen to my requests  – go pitiless on,

simoultanesouly bring me closer and farer to where I belong.

Can you please stop – just for a while,

give me room for a hug and one more smile?

But beging is senseless, the world can’t stop,

it is as perishable as a dewdrop,

Its there in the morning and you loose it during the day,

no matter what you do, it can’t always stay.

You are even worse than money, because there is no way to get more,

you can’t borrow it and you can’t safe it for later, well, that’s for sure.

I guess I just have to make the best out of you,

that’s the only partially reasonable clue,

that I can give to me in this current case,

because I can’t change the rules on earth and in space.