gratschs-blog

[gratschs-blog]

To hell motivation

I don't believe in motivation. I did. I tried to find reasons to move, to do something, to reach my goals. I tried to scare myself - get negative motivation. Tried to find reasons and goals to reach - positive motivation.

You don't need motivation. You need to get up and start doing. All the overmotivated people I constantly see in Instagram or Youtube are not constantly motivated. Motivation became an excuse to wait for it and do nothing.

We all have our life. It is ours, nobody will build it. What can be a better reason? Is the reasons "get a better life" not good enough? The reality is harsh. But what can be more interesting or exciting then building your own life? Motivation doesn't exist. You start doing with pain and start wanting to continue when you get results. Results won't come, unless you do. No elexire, lifehack or wunschpunsh. The only secret is stop waiting for motivation.

[gratschs-blog]

Being scared is good

but only time to time. Today I was scared. I saw some weird vacancy. And it said that if you'll work there you'll get incredibly good for this little town, where I am now.

I decided to go there and look what is that. What I saw was so surreallistic. It was some call-center, where people try to sell tickets to concerts and plays to random people. They get long lists with phone numbers and start calling people. These lists they take from data bases of agencies who sell tickets, obviously.

It is the work, where you get 15% from what you sell. One guy is there for a week and he didn't get anything yet. Workers there call people, say random name and something like "Mr. Miles, how's the most handsome man of the town X doing?". I didn't hear so much stereotypical phrases and sexist jokes for a really long time. Maybe, I'm just overreacting. But it was funny, dumb and I felt kind of ashamed. There is a bell there in the office. And it is a "Titanic" on it. I mean... Titanic, guys.

Why I got scared? I'm good qualified. And I've lost my whole day on the stupid tests and questions, for work that one day brings some money, the other day you stay with empty hands. I got scared and that motivates me better then all the pep-talks in the world. The fear, that I'll be on the work like that. Now, I'm sitting at home, writing motivation letters and feel terribly scared. I just had to try some awfull job to understand how much I want another life.

[gratschs-blog]

I try to post something every day

but today it is really hard. First - I'm very tired. I just really want to fall asleep and sleep for two days.

Second - I started to show the things I write to people. I write short storys. Some of people say that they don't understand what they are about. I thought it'll hurt me. And it did today. But I know, I just need some rest.

So, sweethearts. Please, sleep well, or you'll always think that what you do isn't good enough. Or no. Another way. Always get your sleep or the things you do will seem worthless. I'm actually pretty sure in my texts and poems. But when I'm drowning in doubts. Sleep well and all you do will not just be good. You'll see it and believe in it

[gratschs-blog]

Everything can wait

if there is your life that needs to be done. Now I'm trying to make a really big step forward. I try to move to another country. Today I made an appointment. The time is fine and everything should be okay...theoretically...But I know, I could've done better. If I'd say "no" couple of times. No to friends. No to night partys. I realized that I got really much people I really like around me. And it never happened before. The thing is, I should've been stronger that this feeling of happiness of communication, that I'm addicted to.

This all could've wait.

Now, I just have more things to do. I'm almost sure it will be all okay with appointment and documents. But I realize, that it all could've be emotionally easier. People can wait. Experiences can wait. Because there are important things for life to be done.

[gratschs-blog]

Everything can wait

even if you'll lose it. Right now I'm trying to make a big step in my life - move to another country. I made an appointment in the embassy, that is on time, but it is like on the edge of deadline. I'm almost sure it'll be okay with my Visa and my documents. I know there is no people that can't be solved.

But the thing is -it is my fault. I was too busy having good time with friends and getting experiences. It was all good, but if I'd be more careful with my life this situation with an appointment wouldn't happened.

I remember what I thought. Because of the sleepless nights my days seemed as just one but very long. I was like in the fight of thoughts and doubts. I had to say no, but I didn't.

Everyone and everything can wait. Next time I'll just let it all wait, because I don't want this stress anymore. The only thing can't wait is my life. And some day doubts will become reality, if only I'm not going to become stronger. If only I won't come out and focus on things for my life except of drowning into others and into the environment I want to change.

[gratschs-blog]

Someone is waiting for you to arrive

or you are waiting to leave. I guess my wanderlust is kind of way to escape. I'm drowning in the things I need to do for moving or for going somewhere. Documents, packages, trains, airports.

I had an immigrant childhood. My family was moving between countries. And I don't know how to build something for long time. I'm a sprinter, marathons aren't for me.

It feels that something and someone is waiting for you in the next town, or next country. Soon, I'll make my first immigration alone (hopefully). I'll stay alone in another country. And I feel that I really want to get lost, drown into tasks. I want to feel tired of work. And I hope there is someone waiting for me. And someone I need to find.

[gratschs-blog]

Some friends are situational

and it doesn't mean that they don't worth the feelings and time. They do. I guess sometimes they worth of time with your life - friends. Life - friends are the people you love, people you care about. But situations friends are people you need in your life. Sometimes they are like the vacation. You just find peace and rest in long talks and sleepless nights. Sometimes they are stress, because you have to be a therapist. And then you're gone. But you can take whatbthey brought to you. One of my situations friends took away my fears. I was watching him doing his art and life without fear. He's never been afraid. And he was by my side when I needed my fears to due. Most of them are dead now. And I feel that the rest will die soon.

But these friends will be gone. And it hurts just a bit. Sometimes I even feel ashamed because I don't really feel hurt.

These people they leave. But they also leave with you something you really needed to move on.

[gratschs-blog]

There is a river in the town I live now. Every time I drive the bridge above it I get some feeling, like I'm going to fly somewhere right now. It feels not like this "freedom feeling stuff". I've spent lots of time of my life in the airports. And I really like airport noise, smells of parfume and sandviches. I think that this over expensive airport coffee is the best coffee on the planet, no matter what airport it is.

But this river. I get some airport feeling. Some time I felt like this town doesn't let me go. This town is small and no matter where you look you will see some objects just near you. Too close and big to see something else. But driving above the river I can see this long distance and can't find the end. And for some time this claustrophobia is gone and I can run through the houses again, trying to get out.

[gratschs-blog]

So I sit here trying to type something out. I feel really weird about blogs and writing something about myself, my life. But well. Here I am. Actually I'm kind of hiding here in Tumble too. I don't know by now what will be here. I really don't want this tumblr to become pages of my doubts. I want to see where it'll take me.