hauntedselves - Tumblr blog

[hauntedselves]

there is no unlived life or alternative reality where everything went right…. there is only here and now what are you going to do with it

[hauntedselves]

hello! i hope you are doing well.

i was wondering if you could explain double bookkeeping? and add some examples maybe?

my searches have come up very complicated.

i may be psychotic and i am trying to learn.

thank you in advance! (your blog is deeply appreciated)

Hi there! Double bookkeeping is when you hold two opposing things to be true at the same time, for psychosis we use it to talk about a specific type of insight that many people experience.

Insight is when you are aware on some level that your delusions might be the result of illness, and insight can exist at various levels and in various ways. Often there's an internal fight related to insight, so one day you might feel like "I think that my beliefs might not hold up with reality and that I might have a problem" and then another day maybe you think "oh no, I nearly fell for the conspiracy by thinking I was suffering with delusions". And there can be many in between states and more extreme states as well. It's not either or, it's a spectrum.

Double bookkeeping is when you at the same time do feel convinced of the delusional content, but you are also aware that you have a disorder that causes delusions and that your thoughts might be the result of that. Often this allows you to act in a way so as not to "arouse suspicion" about your delusions, bc you are still aware how it looks to people around you.

So you could say that you are keeping two "books" on reality at once, and they can't both be simultaneously true but you feel rather convinced that they are.

As an example I used to have a long-standing delusion that I somehow personally was the cause of the suffering experienced by living beings on this earth, it caused me a lot of guilt and self-hatred because I did believe it, but at the same time I didn't go ahead and "save the earth" by committing suicide, because I was aware that my beliefs didn't make sense in consensus reality and that if I was wrong, I would simply cause more suffering to my loved ones.

I hope this was helpful!

[hauntedselves]

bell hooks mentioned going through a time in her life where she was severely depressed and suicidal and how the only way she got through it was through changing her environment: She surrounded her home with buddhas of all colors, Audre Lorde’s A Litany for Survival facing her as she wakes up, and filling the space she saw everyday with reinforcing objects and meaningful books. She asks herself each day, “What are you going to do today to resist domination?” I also really liked it when she said that in order to move from pain to power, it is crucial to engage in “an active rewriting of our lives.”

[hauntedselves]

⚠️ emergency links

this is a list of resources for when you're in crisis, whether you're suicidal, triggered, having a panic attack, or any other mental health emergency.

this list will be updated with new resources as i find them.

emergency numbers for your country

helplines for your country

Australia: lifeline 13 11 14 & other helplines

managing flashbacks

quick helpful tips for suicidal feelings

you feel like shit interactive self care guide (alternative site)

reassurance masterpost

Get Self Help

psychosis coping strategies

grounding techniques

dealing with trauma triggers & OCD

DBT options for solving problems

self-soothing ideas

how to check the (emotional) facts

TIPP grounding skill (temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation)

ideas for soothing impulses (urge surfing)

tips for when it feels too much

why am i feeling bad? flowchart

looking after yourself (particularly tolerating distress)

staying safe in a crisis

crisis support (particularly for dissociation & dissociative identity disorder)

safety tools & resources

dealing with PTSD triggers

grounding & containment strategies

[hauntedselves]

i think an issue with the obsession with parts in DID spaces is how much it made us overcomplicate ourselves and not treat our parts the way they deserve

a triggered part would come to front, and all we could focus on was "who are you?" then feel like we're faking DID when we didn't get an answer

instead of offering that part support and compassion like they needed, they'd be shut down for not being able to come out with an identity in their triggered state of mind

like they somehow had to earn the right to exist by first stating a name and intention

they are a part. maybe they have a name. maybe they dont. a lot of our parts are mere fragments. and thats ok. nothing is required for them to be allowed a space to exist. they don't have to be mapped out to have the right to simply be.

for so long, our focus was on "do i really have did? am i faking? do i have alters or is it just cptsd? am i faking this disorder for validation of my trauma? am i the host or this alter? am i anyone at all?"

when really we needed to focus on "what do i need right now? what do we need right now? how can we calm down and find a middle ground together? how can i offer this scared and angry part of me the support they need?"

[hauntedselves]

better now, i took my dog to the beach & had fun.

but what helped most was that he apologised. and it actually shocked me, i never expected that.

all through my childhood whenever something happened, my mum would either apologise on my stepdads behalf, or just excuse his behaviour, or both. and then we would just pretend like nothing happened. and my stepdad never ever apologised for anything, and i never expected it.

so for someone to scare me like that and then apologise , acknowledge he's in the wrong, and genuinely mean it? it was unbelievable. i never realised how much the lack of acknowledgement from not just my abuser but also my mother hurt me.

so as awful as this morning was, it actually gave me some insight and helped me.

tw i got triggered as fuck

i had a shit sleep and then on top of that this morning, like only 20mins after i woke up, my sister's partner suddenly exploded in anger, because my dog barked at our other roommate (who my dog is scared of). and i know sudden loud noises are a trigger for him (the partner) who also has PTSD but then he just, yelled and slammed doors and stomped around and. everything that triggers me, he did. and i know it wasnt to purposefully trigger me of course, and he's stressed and sick and overworked, and i know it's probably not really about my dog. but trauma doesn't care about the details, it just goes yelling angry man = dangerous = triggered as fuck. so i escaped and hid in the backyard and calmed myself down from having a panic attack... by dissociating lol. but thats what dissociation is, a protective (if at times maladaptive) coping strategy. and then eventually i went back into the house and hid in my room, thankful that the door locks (though I also know im not in any danger, he's not my stepdad). music + weighted blanket + comfort toy + dog + self soothing skills. feeling better but this is just gonna ruin the next few days for me, and I'll have nightmares tonight. my sister was also triggered, but she apologised on his behalf (annnnnd thats also triggering, it's too much like how my mum constantly was apologising for my stepdad....) and told him to talk to someone today, while he's gone (he left, thank fuck).

and its not even lunchtime 😞

[hauntedselves]

tw i got triggered as fuck

i had a shit sleep and then on top of that this morning, like only 20mins after i woke up, my sister's partner suddenly exploded in anger, because my dog barked at our other roommate (who my dog is scared of). and i know sudden loud noises are a trigger for him (the partner) who also has PTSD but then he just, yelled and slammed doors and stomped around and. everything that triggers me, he did. and i know it wasnt to purposefully trigger me of course, and he's stressed and sick and overworked, and i know it's probably not really about my dog. but trauma doesn't care about the details, it just goes yelling angry man = dangerous = triggered as fuck. so i escaped and hid in the backyard and calmed myself down from having a panic attack... by dissociating lol. but thats what dissociation is, a protective (if at times maladaptive) coping strategy. and then eventually i went back into the house and hid in my room, thankful that the door locks (though I also know im not in any danger, he's not my stepdad). music + weighted blanket + comfort toy + dog + self soothing skills. feeling better but this is just gonna ruin the next few days for me, and I'll have nightmares tonight. my sister was also triggered, but she apologised on his behalf (annnnnd thats also triggering, it's too much like how my mum constantly was apologising for my stepdad....) and told him to talk to someone today, while he's gone (he left, thank fuck).

and its not even lunchtime 😞

[hauntedselves]

PRACTICE URGE SURFING

[hauntedselves]

I think it'd be neat if during discussions about schizophrenia and psychosis more people made a point to mention how psychotic episodes themselves can be deeply traumatizing. because they sure can. experiencing a break from reality like that is traumatizing. delusions, even though they aren't real, are traumatizing. believing you're being prosecuted by God himself and not knowing how to cope with that just to later realize none of it was real is probably traumatizing. experiencing frightening hallucinations can be traumatizing. people talk about how psychotics suffer from their disorder but let's talk about why we do. and I haven't even mentioned the inherent trauma of living with a stigmatized disorder in a world where psychotics are despised and shunned and kicked out of homes. lets not forget that one.

[hauntedselves]

half confronted my sister about our rental situation (long story tl;dr i feel like no one cares about me lol), we didn't really discuss much and it wasnt really a confrontation but i still feel yuck and shaky and awful and guilty. i hate confrontation ahh

[hauntedselves]

i did something scary today, i thought my sister was mad at me so instead of stewing in my anxiety i actually straight up asked her! (...after stewing in my anxiety for a while lol...). (the answer was no, it's just been a stressful week for her & she's not very well, so she was blunt and, unusually for her, not very chatty, which makes my brain go !! danger !!)

[hauntedselves]

talked to my mum about this and she suggested that part of the problem with my communication issues is that i seem to have a different perspective of time than other people (hello dissociative disorder, and also autism!), so when, for example, someone asks me to do the dishes, i say yeah sure, and then go and do something else and come back to do the dishes later. but in the meantime, the other person thinks i'm just ignoring their request. and then when they get annoyed with me, i'm like... what's the problem, i've done it! why does it matter if it was done ASAP or 2 hours later, it got done!

(thats a very autism thing btw, not understanding rules or norms and therefore not conforming to them.)

and looking back, yeah, that's been a problem all my life (and was often why i'd get into trouble as a kid... and as an adult lol). prime example of a) autistic kid not understanding social rules, + b) allistic adults not understanding how an autistic kid's brain works...

something i realised lately is that, during disagreements, i struggle a lot with figuring out if I'm being unreasonable or if the other person is. which is very autistic of me lol. it's easy to say that they're wrong, I'm right, but i never can tell if that's actually true.

[hauntedselves]

sometimes it’s better refrain from deep introspection and allow yourself to just be.

[hauntedselves]

NPD Subtypes: Grandiose / Overt

Also called oblivious, classic, and agentic

Grandiose narcissism is what most people associate with the narcissistic personality, and is what the NPD diagnostic criteria is heavily based on.

Those with grandiose narcissism have the highest severity of poor interpersonal and psychosocial functioning. They have a higher comorbidity rate with other psychiatric disorders (including other personality disorders and substance abuse), and may present with more anger and hostility.

They are more extroverted and described as bold and charming. They might come across as:

Outgoing

Arrogant

Entitled

Overbearing

Having an exaggerated self-image

Needing to be praised and admired

Exploitative

Competitive

Lacking empathy

They tend to overestimate their own abilities and intelligence.

[hauntedselves]

something i realised lately is that, during disagreements, i struggle a lot with figuring out if I'm being unreasonable or if the other person is. which is very autistic of me lol. it's easy to say that they're wrong, I'm right, but i never can tell if that's actually true.

[hauntedselves]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[hauntedselves]

You are not an imposter for using accommodations or aids you could “do without”. You are not an imposter for doing what you need to make things easier on yourself. Just because you technically could walk without a cane doesn’t mean you should have to endure the additional pain. Just because you are capable of grocery shopping during busy times doesn’t mean you should have to endure the anxiety.

If an accommodation, aid or something else helps improve your quality of life and/or even just makes things easier for you, you deserve to be able to use it without having to justify it to yourself.