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[hereismchan]

Eating or not

For me eating is easy at least it had become easy over the years of recovery, but I realised something today, eating food becomes difficult for me when I feel disconnected from my mother. 

I started to skip lunch and dinner the other day. My family from my home country visited us and I have been through a traumatic event caused by one person from this family. This family member did not visit us but seeing his family here in my home, unwillingly evokes me feeling unwell near them, even though they did not do anything to deserve my distance and coldness but just like me they are a victim of this persons actions. 

Still I suffered the most. 

What has this to do with me and my relationship with food then? 

My Mother. 

She is on my side as well but it feels a little off for me. I know she despises him just like the rest of the family but clearly I am feeling uncomfortable with the others being here. I actually said it would be no problem for me for them staying with us but I still act weird around them. I told my mother about what is going on with me, after I have talked to my sister. I did not like how she responded, she did not want to talk about the past and was against telling the other why I am so distant. 

This made me feel ignored and for the first time I was not my mother’s first priority, she had someone she put before me. 

I get it though but I could not help myself, I started to hate her despite me understanding her response. With my sister I feel close and safe with, I have actually never felt this strongly connected to her she just gets me and says the right things to me. My sister said I should not hate our mother and I know I should not but as I said I just cannot. 

It was okay for a while, really just for a little bit but then I fell again into this feeling of hating my mother. Yesterday she upset me a lot and I felt ignored and like a second priority again. 

That day I was going home and on the way I was hungry but then it clicked. I do not feel hungry and I do not want to eat. 

I was deeply upset with my mother, more than I thought. 

I had an ED before and the first time I used to lie about me eating my meals. I would place “used” plates into the sink so it would be believable but this time I did not feel the urge to lie to her.

It is just too much effort. I caught myself to really enjoy starving myself it is satisfying to actually feel how I suffer physically. Since I had already started to feel miserable emotionally, I thought hurting me physically cannot be bad either and I am right it strangely feels better to suffer both ways. 

The reason why I am not lying to my mother about my eating habits could be a way for me to ask for her attention.  It is so odd thinking about I thought I was okay with them being here but I am not handling it well. 

Not at all. 

I also think it was easier for me to be more self destructive than actually dealing with it but on the other hand how should I have done that? Dealing with it is not an option for my mother. 

[hereismchan]

Integration

I never really worried about finding friends or a place where I belong to.

But I was lying too myself till this day. I’m an outsider but I never realized that I don’t belong anywhere.

No one would miss me,

No one would say hello to me,

No one would say good-bye to me,

No one listens to me,

No one asks me about my opinion,

No one notices me,

No one cares about me,

No one would recognize me even if I was the president.

I just want to know why no one likes me.

[hereismchan]

This is so annoying. I‘ve worked so hard this week and now the weekends here and I deserve a rest, but I can’t?

Like I just can’t rest. I don’t want to work or anything. I just can‘t rest.

I feel sad and not happy.

Why am I not happy?

Why am I not relieved?

This is so annoying.

[hereismchan]

It‘s so red and swollen. It burns so much it makes me wanna rip off this part of my skin.

[hereismchan]

Biting myself is kinda my thing now,

Idk I feel so relieved moments right after it but now i‘m just sitting there trying to organize all of my feelings. It‘s so messy.

[hereismchan]

Is it wrong not to put effort in smth I won’t need?

I‘m going to change my school bc I don’t think this school suits me and it is also really hard. But the problem is that there are still exams coming up and idk what to do like I don’t want to study for them.

The other school I will hopefully go am I already accepted and I won’t need the grades from this school im visiting now just from my other school where I also graduated and my grades fit in there as well and Thursday I will discuss the formalities w the headmaster and we also have talked b4 and mailed and stuff and I feel safe.

but my mom idk is giving me pressure to still put effort in this year but i‘m tired my plan is for the coming 5 months to do the least and not more

Idk if someone wants to give me their perspective of my situation I would be grateful!!