hetzeus - Tumblr blog

[hetzeus]

Sweet n’ Low

The last time I wrote I believe my love life was “non-existent”. I am glad to say it’s been going pretty well for the last 2 years! She’s a Gemini, Leo Venus. I really do love her.

With new experiences however, come new struggles (of course). I’ll get straight to the point- I am feeling sexually disengaged. Not to stroke my own ego but as a Scorpio mars, Pisces Venus, I have been told I am good at what I do. However, I can’t help but feel envious that I don’t feel that same sense of “you push all my buttons”. As in, I don’t feel like all of my buttons are being pressed, as in I’m not finishing. How do I explain that I want the same attention & patience I believe I bring to the table- (or bed in this scenario).

I just want to feel passionate & free, almost rabid-animalistic, during sex. As of late though, I just sort of feel like I’m there to free someone else’s body. I love to give, I almost live for it. I just really don’t want to fall into the pattern of giving & rarely taking. I’m hot, I’m young, & I feel disheartened about it. Why does no one play the game of seduction anymore? Don’t you want to seduce me?

-Leo rising / Scorpio Mars .•

[hetzeus]

Moebius

[hetzeus]

Frank Kelly Freas

[hetzeus]

Chesley Bonestell

[hetzeus]

I wish

I wish I could rinse them of it.

I wish there were a Pearl bath

& we could all walk to it sometimes

& bathe ourselves in it & of it

I wish we could Come out of it

healed & whole again

We all deserve better

Even the worst of us

[hetzeus]

Shame free.

Everything doesn't have to mean something.

I'm ready to step into my era of bitch mode-

okay thats dramatic, I just want to stop being such a people-pleasing-pushover-perfectionist. So far that means setting a boundary even if it makes others uncomfortable, ending my interaction with emotionally volatile people (even the ones I'm related to)

speaking of related to, I'm realizing it is exhausting being around some of my family members who I once held to a high regard.

As for my love life...

That's virtually non-existent.

I crawled back into my little hole, but fret not i'll claw my way out soon enough.

I always do.

-scorpio mars

[hetzeus]

[hetzeus]

It’s been a while huh?

I don’t even know where to start other than life has dealt a series of very *interesting* cards to say the least.

I don’t think it’s necessarily unfortunate because in the end I adapt. I find that being so resilient is a double edged sword. I get up quick which means I get knocked down just as quick.

Cheers to another jab to jaw.

[hetzeus]

Philippe Caza

[hetzeus]

[hetzeus]

[hetzeus]

limited-

As a pisces venus/mercury/cusp I honestly feel like I can make any experience beautiful. I just align it with a certain aesthetic and turn my life into that movie.

Then I become one of the characters.

I think I got scared again, I ran back to my coping mechanisms and now I'm busy as a bee buzzing around trying to make sure I'm not a burden.

There's another limiting belief to add to my manifestation journal (another product of my insatiable need to self improve)

I feel like I'm trying to drown but my body just adapts and learns how to breath underwater. It's just starting to weigh on me, and I find myself wondering if it will ever get better, and if it won't stay the same will it just get worse?

I'm tired of being tired-

[hetzeus]

Hello there~

I can't tell if I'm healthy or not, like emotionally/mentally. I just keep wondering to myself, am I making the right decision?

It's like I'm trying to live a life with no regrets.

And not by living in a state of shameless liberation but I'm trying my damnedest not to make a mistake.

..how fuckin boring.

My heart wants me to pull back because I am afraid of getting hurt, of choosing the wrong person, of hurting someone, of experiencing a high followed by a low. I am searching for neutrality again, I am trying to evade my humanity.

How do I end this lifeless loop?

The answer is always just do it, "fuck it" says my body, make a decision. Do anything but remain stagnant, but what if the choice I make subconsciously puts me in the loop again?

How can I live more intentionally? How does this experience differ from something I've experienced before and how is it similar?

I just want to sit around and spread love and make art but life is so much more complex than that so I have to participate ~

other wise I'm given to Negligence.

[hetzeus]

Rose Water

I decided not to take my own advice

I'm gonna go "get ice cream + hold hands" (in their words) with the aries venus

Also, did you know rose water doubles as a laxative?

Feeling especially heart achey today

as a Pisces venus, you just get used to it

or maybe you don't because this shit hurts.

I wouldn't say I got into an argument with a friend but we just had a misunderstanding. He told me he was doing a favor for me, he didn't really need to do this project with me, and he even hinted that he would pull out of the project and find someone else to help create it.

I feel genuinely hurt but it's his truth so I gotta respect it.

Just a pretty heavy bruise to the ego I guess, according to him it's just business.

Maybe the lesson is to never do business with a friend.

Or maybe the lesson is he was never a friend.

Time will tell, she always does.

[hetzeus]

NoLA.+*

Currently visiting New Orleans

We went to bourbon street and it started raining so we walked all the back to the hotel in warm, sticky, rain.

I think I should leave that aries venus alone

I did however, get an unusual dm from someone I've never met who told me they were an aries venus and they heard I loved aries placements.

I don't know this person, or how they found that out, but they're right-

what the fuck

They said they tapped into a life of mine, I'm not sure what that means. They also said they'll meet me soon... how unusual, I hope I'm not getting kidnapped because that would just be really inconvenient right now.

They said their partner is a pisces so maybe they'll approach me on some voyeuristic poly shit

regardless, I must say *shrugs* I'm intrigued.

[hetzeus]

2:22AM

I keep attracting scorpio risings romantically.

What could that mean?

... oh

I feel I'm attracting scorpio risings because I need to learn how to kneel, or "surrender" and who better to bow down to than a rising as powerful as scorpio?

okay, *deep sigh* well that kinda makes sense because I do think my ego is getting out of control. I don't think I'm cocky or arrogant but I think if I don't learn to properly check myself in due time it'll make the shame I experience later in life more painful.

I'm a little self obsessed and it's honestly annoying. It's not even in a physical way or like a way where I think I'm cool or better. I'm just genuinely intrigued by existence & I am fascinated by my entity, my being, everyones being.

I know however I could never fully understand someone elses' existence because I could never truly experience their life, the closest I can get is empathizing with them.

but yeeeeah, I study myself.

I study myself like a mad man

analyzing every movement, every thought, every feeling just wondering what it all means.

why am I like this? why does it hurt when someone rejects me? does it mean theres something wrong with me? am I wanted here? are people just being nice to me? am I mean to others? Am i mean to myself? do i apologize too often? do I hurt people when im hurting? why do i feel angry sometimes? why do i cry for no reason other times? does it always. ache. this. way? will i be alone forever? what will i do next? have i lost my mind? am i really gonna do what i say i will in this lifetime? am I pessimistic? am I overly positive? am I even real?

I know I am meant to take a metaphorical crown in this existence, but I gotta take a couple more blows to the jaw before I can wield a sword.

~p.s. can you guess my rising sign?

[hetzeus]

Today I didn’t talk to any of the girls I’ve been speaking to lately. I came to the conclusion that I’m not interested in socializing as much as I have been. I sort of did my own personal exposure therapy to work through my social anxiety and I feel like I may have gone overboard. I think I’m a bit of an extremist.

//Aries Stellium 

My aunt has made me out to be this rebellious “bad influence” to my cousin.

Voice of reason: Well, I’ve been soft and understanding up until this point, I feel like I’ve been true to myself and its sad that she’s so afraid of everything she can’t control.

Voice of passion: This is bitch is a puckered asshole. When was the last time she had a little bit of fun?

Voice of pity: My feelings are hurt, I don’t even know what I’ve done to earn this title. I’m so used to be the golden child.

Overall, I’ve done my best to work through it, I dont like her enough to try to mend the relationship, for lack of better terms: fuck her. I’ve got too much potential to waste time worrying about disappointing the least cool family members I have. 

I deserve the same love and understanding that I extend to others. I don’t want to be anyones golden child, I am already golden on my accord. ~