hezero-is-dreaming - Tumblr blog

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Skin Ripped Open.

I don’t know why I keep trying to convince myself

Your departure has not hurt me.

And I don’t know why I keep trying to tell myself

That I’m okay with it all.

Unintentionally, I am unwilling to submit to the change

Time and time again I cannot absorb it

It covers my skin, honey-like, with good intention

Only for me to be left with burning scars.

Each scar still itches,

Years down the road I am still wishing

Still trying to find the remedy

To soothe the burning grief

That comes from scratching too hard.

Where there should be healed wounds

Remains endless blood

Skin ripping open

By my own claw marks.

Will I find acceptance…?

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Fire Prayer

“Lord, please hear my fire prayer.”

This is inspired by the song called “Fireprayer” by Arca. It’s such a beautiful song that you feel in your chest. It truly does feel like a fiery prayer, one where you are trying to regain hope and feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Or maybe, that’s just me.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Can’t Keep It Together

I miss you daily, repeatedly, openly.

You constantly clothed me with love

Yet with your absence, I feel as if

I’ve been stripped naked.

With your absence,

I thought I had grown stronger

And healed from my pain.

But every time you return

My deepest wounds reopen

And I have so much to share with you.

Like blood, my mouth runs, uncontrolled.

My heart drains through my eyes like waterfalls.

When your glow is all I can see

The emotion just burst my skin

And I can’t keep it together.

And I know when you leave

I will miss you all over again.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Unfold

You are benevolence personified.

My entire being associates you with peace.

I long nothing more than to be at the mercy of your arms.

Gentle, and warm, wrapping themselves around me.

Every malicious thing melts away

And my hope is restored when I gaze upon the inner beauty of your soul

Like a flower you opened up for me,

And like rain, I fall further in love

As I watch you unfold.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Forgive me for my distant eyes

For I still have a lot of shame in my heart

And still so many words left unspoken.

There is much I wish to say to you

But I am afraid

Afraid it will all be

For nothing.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Starlight (a tribute to you)

I’m not ready for the dawn break

When the stars no longer shine

Then I get up from my day bed

Leaving all its warmth behind.

I’ll walk out into the winter

When my heart begins to cry

Then I’ll anxiously remember

How your face will not meet mine.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I remember how I found you

When there was no one around

Never once did you look up at me

Always writing something down.

Then you sat down right beside me

One day out of the blue

How I loved all your colors

But now they’ll fade back into you.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I spoke so much good about you

Showing only half your heart

But when I was barely looking

Someone tore it all apart.

Now our innocence is stolen

And I’m just as mad as you

But I know when you’ll look at me

I’ll mean nothing more to you.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I’m not ready for tomorrow

When I have to face the truth.

I was paying tribute to you

But now I’m dangling from the roof.

And now all I’ll have is memories

When I go to close my eyes

And a stinging year long headache

With no way to turn back time.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Magnolia

I miss watching you change. Gaining beauty from the cool, gentle, glowing waters I would give to you. When the storm blew over, you came into view. My magnolia. You persevered. Endurance through the doom.

You know I’d never beg for much. I’d give my sun to you. My reflection and my warmth will be in the moonlight too. Don’t beg for me to water you. You know I want to. I just want to watch you unfold. I want to see you bloom. I’ll love you more and wish you well. There’s nothing I won’t do. I just need your floral scent flowing in my room.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

To the moon

I want to see you

But you’re so distant

Wish you were here beside me.

I keep wishing on a star to guide me

Guide me to you.

And I don’t blame you for your distance

I just wish to trace you softly.

In my hands, there’s a resistance

They won’t close without yours.

And if you’re lonely like I am

Don’t be craven please just tell me.

Can you keep blazing for me?

Let me feel you heat, just like the sun.

Clouds forming for your gloom

Don’t be distant, don’t be blue

I know where you’ll be looking tonight

So I’ll send a kiss to the moon.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

“It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13: 7,8

Hanif Abdurraqib interviewed by Ruth Awad: Joy Is Not Promised to You

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Hate That (Time Machine)

[from part of a song I wrote :)!]

If I could go back in time,

I’d have a better mother.

If I could go back in time,

I’d be a better friend.

And if I could go back in time,

I’d hug my father longer.

And if I could go back in time

I’d try to make amends.

And I hate what

This life has done to me.

And I hate that

I failed at the one true thing.

And I hate that-

That I’m not even kind to me.

And I hate that

There’s no time machine.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Te deseo lo mejor todo el tiempo,

Aunque no sea conmigo.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

There is an enemy inside of me.

She burrows through like a storm

As I try to get her out.

One way or another

Through dreams fulfilled

Or blood drawn

I will make her leave.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

With Time

If I could, I would change.

Through the story of time, change occurs,

And makes all things beautiful.

Just look, out into the earth.

The trees change their vibrant forest green leaves

To colors of amber and maroon.

Rivers flowing with the waters of the sky

Sweep about the land and carve the earth,

Creating new shapes in its changing tides.

Even the Grand Canyon

From millennia to millennia,

One grain of sand to another

So intricately carved by a river,

And lifted by the slow moving earth,

Reveals what time and change create.

Such magnificent beauty,

With stories only wise ones could understand.

But people like me don’t change.

With time,

My leaves did not change color

With time,

I was not carved by the river.

And with time,

I was not lifted by the earth.

My leaves are evergreens.

I rest in stagnant lakes.

My land lay empty of any mountain,

For I reside in desert plains.

Look at me and my journey with time-

Still hideous,

Still stagnant,

Still empty,

Still the same.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

I speak for the moon

My head’s in a quirl

My heart opened wide

I have been ripped and torn

From the inside

And I wait and I lie

On my bed wishing to die

Oh again, yes again

Another night.

With my eyes open wide

I remember your glow

Like the sun just give birth

To a flare.

And now I am lost

Without your heart

Encased in mine

Holding it tight.

I speak for the moon

When I say this tonight

“I wish that your light

Would have stayed.”

In the corners of my eye

I saw a glow so bright

And I looked

Only to be met with darkness.

I hallucinate

My dreams and my fate

As I lie here and wait

Tonight.

With my body getting cold

I remember your warmth

You’re the sun that gave light

To my earth.

I yell out to the sky

Like a bird’s morning cry

Begging you

To come back from the light.

I cry when I say

I speak for the night’s day

“I wish that your light

Didn’t fade”

And I lie as I say

These aren’t my words

But I’m ashamed

Yes I lie as I speak

Saying these are the feelings

The moon keeps

But I will pretend

I am the moon’s messenger friend

And it said,

“I wish you stayed the night.”

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Questions

You feel you have lived too long.

You feel You’ve done everything-

Now you just want to feel free.

Now you have to save the world.

That moves and that breathes.

You say that your faith is restored

Yet-

People claim your thoughts are distorted.

How much can you give?

How much will you give?

Who will meet you where you’re at

With how long you’ve lived?

You claim it’s another life lesson

When truly you’re in a depression,

They say you don’t care for yourself

Your cares wander off to

Somewhere else-

For all the souls who have hardened.

But each day you get up once again

Although you know you will never win.

You believe you don’t deserve rest

Because the evil within

Will try to get out again.

But if you won’t do it- who will?

That is the question you’ll have until-

It’s the day of your death

When all of time is standing still.

Who will care for you,

If you don’t care for yourself?

That is your question,

Since there is no one else.

Who will rest for you,

If you don't even dare try?

Silence the battle cries,

You’re on thin ice.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Farewells

I ran around in circles

Trying to figure out

All the right words to say,

Is that okay that I didn’t get it right?

I traveled to the Vega,

And skipped down to Andromeda

And played in nebulous skies.

With all of my running,

I am still not perfect.

Just another vision you see in your eyes.

How many Milky Ways must I jump to,

For you to get that I can’t be like you?

How many hearts

Do my words have to touch,

For you to see that all of my paths

Still lead back to me?

In this silence, in my room,

Who is the ‘you’ that I sing to?

Who will feel me with their ears

And never say another word?

I love it when we don’t need to speak

For you to comprehend the fact

That I must always be myself

My soul lays nowhere else.

In all these loud and painful goodbyes,

I can dance, I can cry.

And will all these seas and waves of farewells grow shallow, so I can walk

In peace- alone?

These memories still sing in my mind.

They haunt me, and kiss me goodnight.

I can’t turn my head without thinking of You.

All I wish is that you’re doing fine.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Why did you hide?

Why did you hide from me so long?

You let your true intentions

Seep in slow like water

How could you do me like that?

Too many times

I gave you my secrets

Too many nights

I trusted you in the dark.

But now you give me your light-

After I defended your heart, soul and mind

Only to find out

I was being cheated and lied to

This whole time.

It’s not your words that hurt

Or how you use your tone

It’s not that I had to figure out on my own

What hurts is

Why it took you so long…

And I feel so betrayed

I defended you with my heart

Told everyone you’re different that is all

But you know how I feel about lies.

I’m not sure why im taking this to heart

But this truth rips me apart.

Did you not trust me enough?

Was I just supposed to read all the signs?

Lies, lies

And so many lies.

All I have left to say

Is I’m sorry it came to this

Your intentions seep in like water

And I know you are young and changing

But this truth gets harder and harder.