hezero-is-dreaming

[hezero-is-dreaming]

It’s the wound, not the truth. It’s the wound, not the truth. It’s the wound, not the truth- *I say, uncontrollably sobbing and rocking back and forth in a corner*

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Lost.

My whole body sort of hurts

And my soul is extremely damaged

And I cannot tell what is real in from of me and what is not.

And keep losing all of my pieces,

All of my people,

I keep losing.

My hopes have faded.

Will I make it through to the other side of this forest?

Maybe I won’t

Maybe I should just rest here, and call it a night.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

I WILL NEVER BE BETRAYED AGAIN!

I will never be betrayed again.

I will never save face again.

And grace i will not extend,

And hate I will not forget.

But I’ll forgive you,

This one last time.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Eros

I knew they wouldn’t call me.

I knew I’ve lost them forever

Surrendering to the blow of love

Lying on the floor, giving up on their match to fight their feelings any longer.

And I, a bystander- a friend telling them to get up and move

Could not stop them from the inevitable, being hit with the all too familiar arrow.

An item known throughout centuries, the unforgiving weapon belonging to the one under the name of Eros.

I watched it all unfold

The arrow plundering into their heart

Their gaze meeting the one.

Her.

An angel, a beacon of light that graced her presence upon him.

I saw his eyes fill with hearts, his blood overflowing with emotion, even his sweat, sweet with the scent of love, an aroma like honey.

They ran into her arms, and loved, and kissed as if it were their first and their last simultaneously.

A hopelessly in love gaze

That no longer would meet mine.

Alone and stranded I’m always left with the realization, that my presence will always be insignificant to the arrow of Eros.

I’d curse at him each time as he fled to the sky, triumphantly his wings flew

As I always stood in disbelief.

I stood with an overwhelming sadness.

Another friend

Lost to the arrow of Eros

Lost to a lover they found.

I knew I had lost them to their desires.

I saw them give in, with my own eyes I saw it unfold.

Yet I don’t know why I hoped they’d show up for me.

I knew they wouldn’t call.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Skin Ripped Open.

I don’t know why I keep trying to convince myself

Your departure has not hurt me.

And I don’t know why I keep trying to tell myself

That I’m okay with it all.

Unintentionally, I am unwilling to submit to the change

Time and time again I cannot absorb it

It covers my skin, honey-like, with good intention

Only for me to be left with burning scars.

Each scar still itches,

Years down the road I am still wishing

Still trying to find the remedy

To soothe the burning grief

That comes from scratching too hard.

Where there should be healed wounds

Remains endless blood

Skin ripping open

By my own claw marks.

Will I find acceptance…?

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Fire Prayer

“Lord, please hear my fire prayer.”

This is inspired by the song called “Fireprayer” by Arca. It’s such a beautiful song that you feel in your chest. It truly does feel like a fiery prayer, one where you are trying to regain hope and feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Or maybe, that’s just me.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Can’t Keep It Together

I miss you daily, repeatedly, openly.

You constantly clothed me with love

Yet with your absence, I feel as if

I’ve been stripped naked.

With your absence,

I thought I had grown stronger

And healed from my pain.

But every time you return

My deepest wounds reopen

And I have so much to share with you.

Like blood, my mouth runs, uncontrolled.

My heart drains through my eyes like waterfalls.

When your glow is all I can see

The emotion just burst my skin

And I can’t keep it together.

And I know when you leave

I will miss you all over again.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Unfold

You are benevolence personified.

My entire being associates you with peace.

I long nothing more than to be at the mercy of your arms.

Gentle, and warm, wrapping themselves around me.

Every malicious thing melts away

And my hope is restored when I gaze upon the inner beauty of your soul

Like a flower you opened up for me,

And like rain, I fall further in love

As I watch you unfold.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Forgive me for my distant eyes

For I still have a lot of shame in my heart

And still so many words left unspoken.

There is much I wish to say to you

But I am afraid

Afraid it will all be

For nothing.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Starlight (a tribute to you)

I’m not ready for the dawn break

When the stars no longer shine

Then I get up from my day bed

Leaving all its warmth behind.

I’ll walk out into the winter

When my heart begins to cry

Then I’ll anxiously remember

How your face will not meet mine.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I remember how I found you

When there was no one around

Never once did you look up at me

Always writing something down.

Then you sat down right beside me

One day out of the blue

How I loved all your colors

But now they’ll fade back into you.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I spoke so much good about you

Showing only half your heart

But when I was barely looking

Someone tore it all apart.

Now our innocence is stolen

And I’m just as mad as you

But I know when you’ll look at me

I’ll mean nothing more to you.

Only when I was with you

Did I feel so alive

Now I’ll be forever lacking

Without you within my life.

I spoke with good intentions

If only I didn’t turn my eye

Then maybe I wouldn’t be losing

My muse, my friend

My starlight.

I’m not ready for tomorrow

When I have to face the truth.

I was paying tribute to you

But now I’m dangling from the roof.

And now all I’ll have is memories

When I go to close my eyes

And a stinging year long headache

With no way to turn back time.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Magnolia

I miss watching you change. Gaining beauty from the cool, gentle, glowing waters I would give to you. When the storm blew over, you came into view. My magnolia. You persevered. Endurance through the doom.

You know I’d never beg for much. I’d give my sun to you. My reflection and my warmth will be in the moonlight too. Don’t beg for me to water you. You know I want to. I just want to watch you unfold. I want to see you bloom. I’ll love you more and wish you well. There’s nothing I won’t do. I just need your floral scent flowing in my room.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

To the moon

I want to see you

But you’re so distant

Wish you were here beside me.

I keep wishing on a star to guide me

Guide me to you.

And I don’t blame you for your distance

I just wish to trace you softly.

In my hands, there’s a resistance

They won’t close without yours.

And if you’re lonely like I am

Don’t be craven please just tell me.

Can you keep blazing for me?

Let me feel you heat, just like the sun.

Clouds forming for your gloom

Don’t be distant, don’t be blue

I know where you’ll be looking tonight

So I’ll send a kiss to the moon.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

“It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13: 7,8

Hanif Abdurraqib interviewed by Ruth Awad: Joy Is Not Promised to You

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Hate That (Time Machine)

[from part of a song I wrote :)!]

If I could go back in time,

I’d have a better mother.

If I could go back in time,

I’d be a better friend.

And if I could go back in time,

I’d hug my father longer.

And if I could go back in time

I’d try to make amends.

And I hate what

This life has done to me.

And I hate that

I failed at the one true thing.

And I hate that-

That I’m not even kind to me.

And I hate that

There’s no time machine.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

Te deseo lo mejor todo el tiempo,

Aunque no sea conmigo.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

There is an enemy inside of me.

She burrows through like a storm

As I try to get her out.

One way or another

Through dreams fulfilled

Or blood drawn

I will make her leave.

[hezero-is-dreaming]

With Time

If I could, I would change.

Through the story of time, change occurs,

And makes all things beautiful.

Just look, out into the earth.

The trees change their vibrant forest green leaves

To colors of amber and maroon.

Rivers flowing with the waters of the sky

Sweep about the land and carve the earth,

Creating new shapes in its changing tides.

Even the Grand Canyon

From millennia to millennia,

One grain of sand to another

So intricately carved by a river,

And lifted by the slow moving earth,

Reveals what time and change create.

Such magnificent beauty,

With stories only wise ones could understand.

But people like me don’t change.

With time,

My leaves did not change color

With time,

I was not carved by the river.

And with time,

I was not lifted by the earth.

My leaves are evergreens.

I rest in stagnant lakes.

My land lay empty of any mountain,

For I reside in desert plains.

Look at me and my journey with time-

Still hideous,

Still stagnant,

Still empty,

Still the same.