hidingbehindastory - Tumblr blog

[hidingbehindastory]

Maybe I should come with a warning, because I break everything I touch

[hidingbehindastory]

Those Brown Eyes

Those brown eyes I have

Society calls them plain

Compared to mud or dirt rather than the crystal sea or a new spring leaf.

But mine aren’t

They reflect the beauty of nature in all forms

They are the earth that represents growth and prosperity

It’s the color of the fertile soil you smell your favorite flowers in

Even the tree bark which gives animals places to live

I am growth, I prosper, I help others

Yet there is more hidden underneath all this beauty that radiates

Behind the medium brown that represent earth it also stands for each autumn leaf that falls to dry up and crumble

All the pollution of others opinions of me getting in my head

Each tree trunk that is cut leaving others with no memory of what I brought to this world

If a tree falls does it make a sound?

This one does… It screams

So yes there is beauty in these brown eyes

But don’t forget the destruction that makes it a tragic package deal

[hidingbehindastory]

“Maybe love stays. Maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t. Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, ‘Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.’ If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet. Whisper, ‘Thank you for stopping by.’”

— Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye

[hidingbehindastory]

I’m my own muse

I want to make it clear that everything in this poem is a reflection of only myself. How I see me in no way reflects any of my followers or others with similar traits as me

Being my own muse isn’t something I’ve taught myself yet I must do it

They say self love is the key to happiness… which poses an issue

Because if you tell me to glorify my flaws then I just don’t have words

Because even though I care for myself I can’t brag about the brown locks of my hair or the large shape of my body

I don’t know how to describe the confidence I have inside me or when I’m nice to the point it hurts my soul

The thick strands I own is impossible to collect in a simple ponytail

I don’t know how to give myself affirmations of my thighs and calves that jiggle when others pinch it and they call it thicc and laugh

It’s not like I’m not trying to lose that weight. And how can I change my hair without spending so much money?

My attitude is either owning myself it’s annoying or being so nice I’m a pushover

Then making myself my muse sounds like the worst idea thought of

Everything I do is self-defense to get others to notice me. But do they?

[hidingbehindastory]

I am so tired of constantly treading water. I don’t want to be stuck in this ocean anymore. Sometimes I worry that I’ll spend my whole life stuck out there. Even when the waves are calm, I spend all my days just trying to stay afloat.

[hidingbehindastory]

“It’s become very apparent to me that the older you are the less praise you’re going to get. When you’re 3 and you paint a picture outside the lines, they give you gold stars. When you’re 10 and you score a goal, they take you out for ice-cream. But when you’re 17 and struggling to fit in, no one gives you a hug just for making it through the day. And when you’re 23 and pulling long hours at the office, no one asks if you’re alright. And you start to wonder if you are, if there’s a point to any of it. The answer is yes. Because good work, real good work that shapes your character, doesn’t need to be acknowledged. You grow in the silences, in the reflections, in the inhales and exhales that let you know you’ve made it from one moment to the other.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[hidingbehindastory]

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friends.”

— Albert Camus (via thoughtkick)

[hidingbehindastory]

[hidingbehindastory]

Daddy Issues

He left me

The figure everyone has in there life... or wants

The paternal half that said “I’m done” to me and my sister.

I know I should cry, be angry about it but why don’t I? It’s not to be strong, or anything of the sort.  It’s because of how he treated me, my mom, even my sister.

The hatred that rolls off his tongue and appears on a screen through a phone when you click “incoming text.”

I know you used to be good to us, but the key word there is “used to”

What happened in 2014 effected us all and it’s part of what makes me emotionally damaged.

You’re the reason I feel as if I’m not good enough for anyone and afraid to trust, like something is wrong with me.

I take back what I said earlier, him saying he wants nothing to do with us pains me.

[hidingbehindastory]

God

Not losing Him after something traumatic is easier said than done

No one tells you that once that horrible thing that happened to you that everything seems impossible and God just sits there in heaven paying attention to people living better lives.

What God?

I prayed for so long but nothing happened, no good.  Only pain and misery with the self harm scars to prove it.

Months did it take for him to listen to me.

Even though I’m mostly cured it will never be how it is to an average joe.

I started going to church some weeks ago for the wrong reasons

Yet now He is working on my life

Why is He now helping me two years later when I have hope and not when I was at my worst?

Pfft.

Despite this timing, please work with me, please show me your plan and not just sit up in heaven ignoring my suffering

Prove that you have a plan... I pray

[hidingbehindastory]

And I’m still trying to find him

“I lost a God once. It’s easier done than people think. Forget a prayer once in a while or simply grow grief in your kitchen window along with the basil and rosemary. Somewhere inside my heart, I misplaced my faith, misunderstood my own origin story, became a person half tragedy, more misery, and I started to relish it.”

— Nikita Gill, from A Mortal Interlude in “Great Goddesses: Life Lessons From Myths And Monsters”

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Wanting me

He has seen me.  Watched me from across the room.  Gone out of his way to say hi.  Oh how the looks make me blush and make me want him to embrace me in his arms with a smile and “I wanna kiss you” roll off his tongue.

[hidingbehindastory]

I will not have you without the darkness that hides within you. I will not let you have me without the madness that makes me. If our demons cannot dance, neither can we.

— Nikita Gill

[hidingbehindastory]

I don't know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad, I don't cry, I pour. When I am happy, I don't smile, I glow. When I am angry, I don't yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes, is when I love, I give them wings. But perhaps that isn't such a good thing, cause they always tend to leave and you should see me, when my heart is broken. I don't grieve, I shatter.

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[hidingbehindastory]

But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.

— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

[hidingbehindastory]

When you are attracted to people, it's because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most.

— Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

[hidingbehindastory]

Reblog if it’s okay to befriend you, ask questions, ask for advice, rant, vent, let something off your chest, or just have a nice chat.