hoc-est-verum-blog - Tumblr blog

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

I am 21 in less than a month

In less than 25 days I’ll be 21 and I’ll be what I class as a legal adult.

But in all honesty, I feel less like an adult now than what I did when I was 16. I mean sure, I’ve been to the doctors and I’ve finally got my inhaler sorted out, I’m finally on the pill for longer than 3 months and I’m finally taking my multivitamins again but does that really make me an adult?

If anything I feel more confused now about my future than I did at 18. At 18 I had the idea in my head of finishing college and going to uni and getting my degree and now nearly 3 years later and I’m still working part time as a waitress still no where further in life.

Last week I had a phone call back (finally) regarding my self referral and I’ve been told to refer myself again to a different place for counciling. There’s a part of me that just can not be bothered with it all and thinks ‘I dealt with it for so many years what’s the harm in a couple more?’ And I know it’s a very unhealthy way to look at it but I’m so scared to sort it out because I don’t know what will happen. I know I need to ring them up but this week off is going too quick and next thing I’ll know I’ll be back at work again.

I think the idea of growing older scares me.

The idea that one day I’ll be standing above my mum and dad and that the next day I could be 6 feet under myself.

The idea that I can’t stop myself or others growing older and I can’t stop the world that’s moving too fast, I mean it’s May! I swear it was only January like last week!

I’m scared of what the future brings me because of all the uncertainty, I’m scared for my 21st because that’s when I truly consider myself an adult and I still don’t have a proper job.

I’m scared of growing old and not to have made even the slightest of difference in the world.

I’m scared.

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

// first post in forever and you can read how I’ve realised that I’ve asked for help just around the right time

Firstly I just want to say how proud I am of Dan and the band for making such a mature decision and how much I appreciate them as a band and as people. I fully stand by their decision and anyone who says anything bad will have me on their backs bcos the band is so pure and mean the world to me.

I’ve spent the last day wanting to cry and I just want to try and explain why rf pulling out of slam dunk (and other tours/shows) has affected me so much.

Also before I start I want to point out that personally, I think listening to music is a healthy coping mechanism, however listening to music while simultaneously locking yourself in your room and distancing yourself from everyone isn’t.

I can’t remember how I came across the band or when, I wish I could say the clouds parted and the world was brighter and everything finally made sense, but I can’t which upsets me bcos they mean so much and have made such an impact in my life I wish I could say when I found them. I finally got to see them at slam dunk 2016 and cried through the whole set (in the good way obvs), I also saw Dan outside before and didn’t go up to him which I majorly regret but at the same time I don’t bcos I would have just made a fool out of myself and would have probs just cried lmao. I then got tickets when they toured a couple of years ago which I was so pumped for (and also so pumped to cry through the whole set again) then it came to the night and I got so scared and I didn’t end up going, which still to this day I hate myself for so badly. This was going to be my second time (should have been third) seeing them and I couldn’t wait and I’d be lying if I didn’t say they were the only reason I was going to Slam Dunk this year.

I never really understood the whole idea of a band being the reason you’re alive (apart from twy but I started listening to them around the same time as rf) until I listened to rf. I never expected myself to find something that means so much to me that don’t really know/care about me, but somehow every song I listen to I relate to so much. I remember when my mh would be spiralling and I’d listen to sixteen on repeat for weeks and I’d listen to nothing else apart from rf and hotel books and I’d lock myself in my bedroom and do nothing but wallow away. I also remember when I’d come out the other side and listen to rf and twy and see the positivity in them and realise what I’d managed to pull myself through.

Last week I self referred myself (again) and I’m waiting to hear back and finally get some therapy to try and find a healthy way of dealing with my mh (bcos amazingly ignoring it/just locking myself in my room and listening to music isn’t the healthiest way of coping), and seeing Dan tweet about therapy pushed me into it bcos it made me realise that it is okay not to be okay (as cliche as that is omg). But I use rf (and other bands, actually I say this as I’ve got ‘Get By’ playing on repeat so it’s defo mostly rf) as a coping mechanism and there was some part of me that believed that seeing them at slam dunk would mean everything’s going to be fine and that I’m doing great but them pulling out has thrown me into the realisation that I’m probs not doing the best and all I’m doing I’m numbing myself through listening to music way too loud (and other ways ngl). I just wanted to jump around to the band surrounded by people who want to do the same and pretend that everything was okay.

So I guess in a way the reason it’s affected me so much is bcos my coping mechanism has been taken away (or at least one of them have) and that’s the reason all I want to do today is cry and lock myself in my room (and listen to their music so loud my neighbours come round and ask me if I’m okay bcos I’ve been listening to the same song on repeat for 2 hours)

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

When does an eating disorder become an eating disorder?

When does weight loss become unhealthy?

When does a fat girl become a thin girl?

When do I become happy in who I am?

When does the words ‘you’ve lost weight’ become something I can be happy about instead of thinking that I could loose more?

I just find it funny that because I’ve lost weight I’m now healthier than what I was, even though I’m not eating as much as I should and I have such a bad relationship with food.

It’s funny how you don’t have an eating disorder if you started out overweight and ended up skinny and how it gets over looked because now you’re now apparently ‘healthy’

It’s funny how they don’t realise how unhealthy the method of losing weight is because even though you’re watching what you eat, the truth is you’re not really eating

It’s funny how I’ve managed to lose more weight in the past 6 months than I have in about 4 years

I bought some trousers in March that were snug and by May they were hanging off me and now it’s October and I need to buy some new ones because I can’t take them in anymore without them looking stupid

But that’s a good thing

The only meal I properly eat anymore is dinner and that’s simply because I eat that meal with my family

It’s funny how my people think they can joke to me about being fat and about past self harm when I’ve told them countless times it’s not funny

But it’s okay because I’m 'okay now’

It’s funny how whenever someone asks me how I lost all my weight and I tell them the truth of 'I stopped eating’ they laugh and say they over eat too

It’s funny how it doesn’t cross their mind that I literally starved myself some days because I didn’t feel like I deserved to eat

It’s funny how I now look back at my body and I can’t tell any difference no matter how much someone tells me I’ve lost size

It’s funny how I don’t know if I can control myself long enough anymore to stop thinking in such a destructive way

It’s funny how this isn’t even funny at all

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

I think it's time to be truthful. Firstly I want to apologise for not posting in so long, but I think all will become clear as to why I haven't in this post. I've lied to myself since at least January by saying that I'm doing better. - previously I lied most of my life by saying its normal to be this sad and nervous. I've lied to everyone else every day whenever they ask me how am I and all I want to do is fucking cry and ball and throw up and scream and pull my hair out and cut e v e r y piece of my skin to shreds, but instead I say I'm okay or I'm fine. I'm really not fucking okay, I'm really not fucking fine. My sister recently went to the doctors and got some medicine for OCD and Anxiety and all of a sudden it like every she does is because of her mental illness. It's almost as if the medicine gives her a pass to blame everything on it and talk freely. I sometimes think I'm angry at her but I realise I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry because she can speak freely and she can go to the doctors where as I can't look myself in the mirror and admit I have a problem. I realised this anger I feel whenever she talks about it is anger to myself because I wish I could talk as freely. I WISH I COULD GO INTO A STUPID CLUB WITH A STUPID CUTE GUY AND STUPIDLY DANCE WITH HIM WITHOUT CARING WHAT I LOOK LIKE. I wish my friends were not my comfort blanket. I wish I could turn my back and stand 2 foot away and not have this utter feeling of panic wash over me. I wish I could smile every morning and every night knowing that I can talk to people without panicking. I work as a waitress and I wish I could clean an attractive persons table without freaking out and without my heart being in my throat and without the fear of throwing up on them. I wish I could just live rather than be alive. I lied to myself when I said been nervous is normal and been sad is normal because this isn't a normal level. A normal level is not laying in bed in the morning trying to think of 10 reasons as to why you should get out and go to work. A normal level is not trying to not throw up on my way to work and all through work when I have a moment to think to myself. What I feel every day is not a normal level. It can't be a normal level. My mum turned to me this morning and told me I'd lost weight but I knew that I haven't and she was saying it to make me feel better or at least if I have it isn't enough. I want to be able to disappear some days, I want to be able to fly away and travel the world and truly not care about anything. I want to be able to sleep and not worry that responsibilities are approaching. I want to be able to go to the doctors and get help without crying and knowing they'll tell me I'm wasting their time. I want to be free from this sadness I want to be free from me

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

//Love and our Generation//

I can’t say I know much about love. But I can say I know a lot about ‘talking’ to someone and not actually knowing what is going on.

It seems nowadays unless you're married or in a long term relationship, you always have that person you're not fully sure about. Are you seeing each other or are you just talking? What does that even mean, is there even a difference? Why did the term dating become so vague and when did it become okay to not tell each other how you actually feel?

Is it something to do with our generation of fuck ups and romantics who romanticize e v e r y t h i n g? The generation which uses memes as a way to deal with depression, the generation where no one really knows what to do because we’ve always had it given to us until recently. But at the same time the generation that has it ‘easy’ according to those older than us.

The forgotten, but at the same time the unforgotten generation. The generation known as Y but also as Millennials, but how can we be known as the Millennials if we were born before the 2000s? Why are known as the Peter Pan generation but at the same time why does it suit us so much? 

Why do we, as a Generation, have a problem with telling each other how we feel? Why has dating gone from telling someone you like them and being asked out, to being a time when you see each other with no true understanding what that means? This generation where you can’t be a girl and like a guy without becoming needy and you can’t be a guy and show your feeling without becoming ‘weak’ the time where showing feelings at all is known as a weakness unless it is done with jest. 

It is neither genders fault in the relationship game, neither is it our generations fault. So is it the generation before us that caused this? The baby boomer generation who all got married straight out of school and had a job as soon as they needed one and all had kids before they really grew up. Are we meant to copy what they do or are we meant to be making our own decisions? 

Is that the reason as a generation we seem confused when it comes to the import things? Is that why we idolise celebrity relationships because they seem to know what they are doing? Is that why we post things to social media because we feel the need to have acknowledgement and appreciation from those we do not even know? Is that why I started a blog, to see how many people care enough to read what I have to say? All because of the generation before us or is it something that started from within?

Is it the ease of those older than me that draws me to them? Is that the reason why everyone I’ve ever been attracted to has been at least a year older than me (either literally or just in a knowledge point of view)? Is that the reason I still feel so young and so confused with the world that I want to go back to the hell of high school and hide away for another couple of years? Is my need to be forever young my fault or is it a generation problem?

This isn't me ending the post saying that I'm going to tell everyone how I really feel and let my feelings be known to all, this is me ending this saying can we change the way we date? Can it go back to how easy it used to be when we were younger? (It also isn’t me saying I’m going back to high school because I know I need to face the music sooner or later)

This isn’t me ending the post saying the generation before us is to blame for our problems, this is me ending this saying we need to work on them together. We need to stop the passing the blame to each other because it’s easier than taking the heat. This is me saying that personally, I think as a generation we are confused.

xoxo

[hoc-est-verum-blog]

//For a second post I now realise how into the deep end this is// 

I saw a post earlier today about depression and I realised, unlike my friends who can speak freely about it, how much I try and hide what I go through.

I try and pretend that I deal well but the truth is I don’t and some days are so easy but some days are so hard and I there’s times where I don’t think I’ll last the night. It’s almost like I think if I don’t talk about it, it doesn’t really affect me but it does. How can I say I’m alive if I’m not really living? 

I wonder if the inability to talk about my mental health stems from when I was younger or if it’s just something I’ve developed overtime.

I remember been around the age of 10 and learning that if you hit your head enough times you forget how to breathe. I remember a couple of weeks later sitting in the bathroom smacking my head against the wall in hope that I would draw my last breathe all because my older siblings wouldn’t let me into their room. 

I however wouldn’t class that as a proper suicide attempt. Maybe a physiatrist would but I’ve never asked.

I remember at the age of 13 self harming. I then remember stopping but picking that habit up again a year later and not stopping for long enough. I remember hiding under big jumpers and eating away feelings. But then stopping eating for a couple of days in hopes that it’d counteract my purging. 

I remember talking to someone for the first time and them understanding, that relief of it not just being me. I remember putting all my love into them because I couldn’t love myself. I remember crying for no reason and not being able to tell anyone why I was ‘just tired’. 

I remember being 16 year old with my first ‘counseling session’, sat in a room with my parents (who I never talk to about personal problems) and been expected to tell them what was wrong. I remember them sending them out so I could talk freely and crying to counselor because I couldn’t form the words I wanted to. I remember coming back 3 weeks later and still having to talk to the counselor trying to work out what was wrong with my parents never been in the room. I remember my third session (also the last) and been in a better mood meaning the counselor put it down to hormones and growing up. I remember her telling me it was anxiety and low mood. I remember getting a booklet and been told that once I turn 18 I basically wouldn’t have any support. I then remember stopping self harming through sharp objects and instead drinking.

Being diagnosed with low mood rather than depression always made me feel like they were just saying ‘yeah you’re sad sometimes but it’s not bad’ and it always made me feel like they just kind of shoved me out of the door because they only had one more year left to look after me. I remember going back to school and realising that an email had been sent around and having teachers I never talked to before checking up on me. Suddenly people who should have been caring about me for most of my life were actually acting like they cared and I’d never felt anger like that. It felt as if school had put on sign on my back that said I was emotionally unstable. Then home life was just as awkward because it felt like everyone was just walking on eggshells around me and all I wanted was everything to go back to normal.

I don’t think anyone ever talks about that side of mental health. The side where everyone finds out and starts treating you differently. The side where you can’t close your door anymore because your parents don’t trust you, the side where you take art but aren’t allowed to use anything sharp for a couple of days until your teacher forgets and you’re finally allowed to do something without someone breathing down your neck. The side where you don’t know which friends to talk to because the last time you tried they played it off as something they were going through too. The side where you truly feel alone because you’ve convinced yourself that no one understands and that no one is there for you causing you to lock yourself away. Not realising that there's other people on the other side of the door wanting to come in and help you, because they do care. The side where no one really wants to talk about it because no one really knows how to, but they want you to know that they’re there for you.

At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with low mood and anxiety. At the age of 19 I am still living with it, not struggling all the time but just getting by.

So while I don’t know much, I can say you are loved completely.

xoxo