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When Should We Consider Psychiatric Medications for Children and Teens

The topic of psychiatric medications, especially regarding children, is a controversial one. Many people are greatly against any meds, others talk about how their lives or other’s lives were saved by them, but most don’t know enough to make the right decision.

As my knowledge and experiences have grown, my own opinions about meds have changed throughout the years. But this blog post is less about my opinions, and more about the facts and what I have learned. My hope is that it will help you be more prepared to navigate the psychiatric system in case you ever must do that.

Fact#1: Sleep, nutrition, exercise, support, meditation, and therapy are essential parts of care, but medications at times must be part of that care.

Holistic care is important for all children, even those without mental health issues, but especially those who have temperamental, emotional, and sensory sensitives, those who are neuro-atypical (e.g., ADHD, Autism, giftedness), or those who have significant environmental stressors.  

Try to think of all mental health issues on a spectrum. Take depression for example, we all have days of feeling sad and down and lack interest in things we usually enjoy. Sometimes we go through weeks of feeling that way, and getting major tasks done becomes really hard. And sometimes, the sadness is so great or chronic that we have thoughts of hurting ourselves or ending our lives. The same applies to attention issues, anxiety, hyperactivity, impulsivity, trauma, obsessions, etc.

When issues pass a certain degree of severity, when all other holistic things are not improving the situation, when there is significant impairment and dysfunction at home, school, or in relationships, and when the risk for harm to self or others is high, it is important to seek a consultation with a psychiatrist to discuss whether medications would be a good option.

Fact#2: Most children with psychiatric conditions don’t receive any treatment.

But that does not change the fact that majority of children in our country who are prescribed psychotropic medications are done so by pediatricians and family physicians who haven’t had the proper training and education on this topic. Sadly, they have to do it due to the severe lack of licensed child psychiatrists. 

If tomorrow you needed to find a child psychiatrist, you will soon realize that you will have to drive far, wait many months to be seen, will have to pay out of pocket for those services, and/or settle for a psychiatrist who hasn’t had adequate training in treating children.

Fact #3: Untreated mental health conditions are far more dangerous than medications.  

When we think of psychiatric medications, we picture people whose personalities have changed because of their meds, people whose conditions have worsened and are now dependent on their meds to get by, or people who have a whole new set of issues they are dealing with.

But that’s far from the truth when the correct medication is prescribed to the right patient at the right dose and monitored over time. Most psychotropic meds do have side effects, but the severity of the side effects can be easily tolerated for a for weeks until tolerance is built when the medications are prescribed at a low dose and increased gradually over time. Often, we must deal with the side effects in order to be safe and get better.

If a child or teen’s mental health is untreated, when the current treatments are not improving the child’s condition, when there are major systemic issues (e.g., the child’s school cannot give the child the additional support he/she needs; the child’s parents cannot modify their parenting or the child’s environment; child is being exposed to trauma), or when the child is at risk for hurting self or others, than it is very important to consider medications with the help of a psychiatrist.

Many parents will not do this because they fear what meds will do to their child, but what this often leads to is that the child’s mental and physical condition continue to worsen, and so does the impairment they are experiencing at home and at school. It is important to remember that untreated mental illness can be fatal, and the longer you go without properly addressing the issue, the harder and more complicated it will become to make things better.

I always recommend that if your child has been diagnosed with any mental health condition, whether it be any mood disorder (e.g., depression), anxiety disorder (e.g., phobia), neurobiological disorder (e.g., ADHD, Autism), that you find a reputable psychiatrist and schedule an appointment with them for medication consultation. This will do several things for you:

Your child gets evaluated by another mental health professional, so you get a second hand opinion.

You are now under the care of a psychiatrist and can much more easily make as needed appointments.

You learn about the different medications and whether any option is best for your child.

All three of the above things are priceless for you and your child, even if you will never choose to have your child take any psychotropic meds. Straight Talk about Psychiatric Medications for Kids, Fourth Editionis a great book anyone can purchase and read on this topic.

Questions to Ask Your Psychiatrist About The Meds They Are Recommending

What are the side effects of this medication?

How will it impact my child’s sleep, appetite, energy, focus, and mood?

Is this drug habit forming?

Are there things I should be looking out for?

We have a family history of bipolar, schizophrenia, or addiction in our family. Is this drug safe for someone who has a genetic vulnerability to these conditions?

For how long do you think my child needs to be on this medication?

How do we know when it’s time to stop taking this medication?

What is the safest way to stop this medication?

What are other ways aside from this medication that will help improve my child’s condition?

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive. 

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The Role of Fathers in Children’s Development

As we celebrate Father's Day, I want to share with you what decades of research has shown us about the role fathers and father-figures play on children’s development and life. 

Fathers’ roles have greatly changed over the last century as more and more women began working outside of the home, forcing the family systems to change, and allowing fathers to engage with their children on a more emotional and relational level. 

And while many cultures continue to believe that children mostly need their mothers to grow into healthy adults (which sadly shapes many custody arrangements post divorce), we now know that is far from the truth. Fathers and father-figures greatly impact children’s socio-emotional and cognitive well-being, and academic performance, in direct and indirect ways at EVERY point of development, especially during early childhood. 

HOW DO FATHER’S PARENT?

Fathers’ parenting styles fall under 3 categories: 

Authoritarian parenting is low on warmth and high on control.

Authoritative parenting is love and limits, where it’s medium on control and high on warmth. Discussions can be had, but the parent remains in control.

Permissive parenting is very high on warmth and low on control. People who use this style view it as the most child-centered.

Children whose fathers engage in authoritative parenting have the best outcomes. Such dads are high on warmth, unconditional love, and affection. They are involved in play and the day-to-day caregiving tasks. They are also firm and set age-appropriate limits for their children. 

Fathers also play differently with their children than mothers do. They are more likely to engage in the “rough and tumble” play, which helps children develop better emotion regulation abilities. This is different from how mothers typically play, which is more focused on teaching activities and fine motor skills, like finger plays and singing.

Children whose fathers are involved in their academic work have higher grades and higher graduation rates.

Father involvement plays a critical role in teenage girls’ self-esteem. Girls who have a close relationship with their fathers have significantly lower rates of teen pregnancy and substance abuse, and better academic performance and mental health outcomes. A great book for fathers who have daughters to read is Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker. 

THE INDIRECT IMPACT OF FATHERS ON CHILDREN THROUGH THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH MOTHERS

Time and time again, research has found in all populations that in addition to having a direct impact on children’s development, fathers also indirectly impact their children through their relationship with the mother and through the mothers’ mental health:

 When fathers are involved in their children’s care, mothers have better mental health outcomes and have more mental and emotional resources to offer their children, and therefore, children have healthier emotional development.

When the father-mother relationship is positive and strong, not only are both parents and the children are less stressed, but children are observing how to have a healthy relationship and how to resolve conflict effectively. 

FATHERS��� MENTAL HEALTH IMPACTS CHILDREN

There is so much focus on the role of mothers’ mental health on children, and why it’s so important for mother’s to receive treatment if suffering from depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. Research has found the same findings for fathers, showing that father’s mental health during pregnancy, postpartum, and throughout children’s development greatly effects children’s well-being. So a healthy father = a healthier child, mother, and family.

So if you are a father and struggling with your mental health, please seek care. When you take care of yourself, you are showing your children that there is value in that, and they will be more likely to do that ever needed. If you know a father who is in need of mental health care, share your concerns and provide them support and encouragement so that they can get the help they need. Our society’s well-being depends on this, so don’t take a father’s suffering lightly.

FATHERS’ ROLE IN BOYS’ EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Boys look up to both parents to learn how they should manage and express their emotions. But the implicit and explicit messages they get from their fathers have a HUGE role on their emotional development, which impacts ALL areas of their lives. When boys watch their fathers be open to expressing all emotions, not just anger and joy, they learn that it’s okay to be in touch with their feelings. When boys watch their fathers seek emotional support from others, especially other men, they learn the huge value of social support. When fathers do not shame their sons for crying or being scared, they learn that sadness and fear are not signs of weakness and that people will accept you no matter how you are feeling. This is one of the most important roles fathers play in their sons’ mental health. 

So please, if you are a father and if you have a son, do not tell him to not cry or to not be scared. Do not say that boy’s should not cry. Label his feelings for him, show him support, and hang in there until the moment passes. Show your own emotions, allow your son to see your tears and fears. Through that, you will raise a strong and emotionally balanced man who is at lower risk for depression, anxiety, and substance use.

HOW FATHERS CAN IMPROVE THEIR QUALITY OF PARENTING TODAY

Always work towards better improving your relationship with your parenting partner.

Take care of your own mental health. Engage in daily activities to reduce your stress, find betters skills to manage your stress, and seek mental health care during difficult times. 

Play with your children as often as you can. Ask your child to pick a game or an activity that they’d like for the two of you to do together.

Praise the little things your children do. Let them know you appreciate the small efforts. Find ways to celebrate who they are.

Let them know they are loved via verbal and physical affection. 

Have good eye contact with your children when you are having a conversation together.

Ask how things make your children feel, and don’t try to problem solve when they start telling you about their feelings. Just listen and empathize.  

Express and talk about your own emotions.

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

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How to Ensure Your Family has a Balanced Screen Time Diet

I have the most love-hate relationship with technology. I wouldn’t be able to survive a day without all the ways it makes my life so much easier, and I hate how hard it is for me to unplug from it. But research shows us that we MUST unplug, especially for the sake of our children, just as much as we must get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet, invest in healthy relationships, and take good care of our mental health.

Proper use of screens allow us to be connected to others, relieve our stress, gain valuable information resources, and find an online spaces that encourage creative expressions. But we need to start thinking about screen time as a diet. Think about the foods you should ideally have in your fridge and pantry, 80% nutrient dense foods and 20% of unhealthy/processed foods. The same concept applies to screen time. 

Just as we will gain weight, even if we are only eating healthy foods, if our daily calorie intake is above the recommended level, we can harm ourselves by spending too much time on our screens even if we are spending the whole time being connected to educational contents.

Just as we harm our bodies if we frequently eat a whole pint of ice cream or a frappuccino a day, we can harm ourselves by connecting to violent or highly sexualized contents on our screens. 

Just like unhealthy foods are very addicting, screens are also very addicting. 

Excessive screen time is associated with:

Permanent damage to children’s still-developing brains, leading to delayed cognitive development, such as reduced abilities in

Recognizing emotions and having empathy for others

Social skills 

Focus and attention

Emotion regulation

Sensing other people’s attitudes and communicating with them

Problem solving and planning

Language development

The immediate sense of reward children and adults get by being able to cause an immediate effect on an electronic device with a quick swipe or touch of a finger releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, the main component in our reward system that's linked with pleasure. Dopamine hits in the brain can feel addictive, and when children and adults get used to an immediate stimuli response, they learn to prefer smartphone-style interaction over real-world connection.This pattern imitates, in a less intense way, the dangerous cycle seen in patients with drug and alcohol addictions.

Neuro-diverse children, such as those with ADHD or ASD, are at greater risk for being “addicted” to electronic devices and their parents report having much harder time limiting their screen time. 

In families, it leads to less meaningful conversations and less communication, which lead to disconnect and detachment. TV and interactive-screen media distract parents and impair parent-infant interaction.

Teens who spend an excessive amount of time on social media have lower sense of self, are at a higher rate for mental health concerns, and at a higher risk for sexting.

Loss of opportunities for adults to teach children social skills and social rules, such as making eye contact and saying hi, waiting your turn, being polite, kind, and helpful, or being patient, as they quickly revert to using screens to keep their children busy.

Poorer physical outcomes, such as sleep quality via the blue light of the screens, risk for obesity, less physical activity, and harmful pressure on the eyes.

Cyberbullying. 

Negative performance at school.

The research evidence showing the detrimental effects of saturated and long-term effects of screen time on humans is so strong that the American Academy of Pediatrics recently came out with the following recommendations:

For children younger than 18 months, avoid use of screen media other than video-chatting. Parents of children 18 to 24 months of age who want to introduce digital media should choose high-quality programming, and watch it with their children to help them understand what they're seeing.

For children ages 2 to 5 years, limit screen use to 1 hour per day of high-quality programs. Parents should co-view media with children to help them understand what they are seeing and apply it to the world around them.

For children ages 6 and older, place consistent limits on the time spent using media, and the types of media, and make sure media does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity and other behaviors essential to health.  

Designate media-free times together, such as dinner or driving, as well as media-free locations at home, such as bedrooms.

Have ongoing communication about online citizenship and safety, including treating others with respect online and offline.

On average, the amount of hours PER DAY American individuals are connected to screen medias is 10.5 for adults, 6 for tweens, 4.5 for 8-12-year-olds, and 2.5 for children up to age 8.

When you consider how much time we spend at work, commuting, sleeping, eating, and taking care of daily chores, it looks like whatever time is left is spent on screens. But together, we can start making choices to make our screen time diets healthier for ourselves, our children, and our families. 

10 Ways To Improve Your Screen Time Diet

Reduce the number of devices you own, such as your Apple Watch, Kindle, or iPad. 

Place your phone in a different room as where you’ll be in your house.

Designate meal time, homework time, and an hour before bedtime as “screen-free” time zones in your family. 

Make sure no electronic devices are used in bed. 

Verbalize what you are using your phone for when using it in front of your children, (e.g., “Let’s see if mom texted me back” or “I’m going to check the weather for tomorrow”).

Remove TVs from bedrooms.

Downgrade your cable subscription to basic channels.

Place parental monitors on all devices. Anya Kamenetz, the author of The Art of Screen Time, talks about the internet as a “place”. She states that we wouldn’t allow our children to just get up and go anywhere they want, so why would we allow them to have no limits on what they browse on the internet? 

Create a Personalized Family Media Use Plan, so you can can be aware of when you are using media to achieve your purpose. 

Maintain a very open dialogue with children as early as age 10 about sexting and online porn.

Below are some additional resources. Hope you find them helpful!

The Art of Screen Time: How Your Family Can Balance Digital Media and Real Life

150+ Screen-Free Activities for Kids: The Very Best and Easiest Playtime Activities from FunAtHomeWithKids.com!

The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place

Screens and Teens: Connecting with Our Kids in a Wireless World

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

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It's a great idea to frequently check in with yourself and your family and assess the quantity and and quality of the screen time that happens in your home. Summer time is around the corner, and it's a great idea to start setting some limits for children (and adults) around screen time before things start to really get out of control with all the extra free time. Look out for my upcoming blog post on what is considered too much screen time, why excessive screen time is so harmful for children and families, and how to make sure your screen diet is healthy and balanced.

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Why Adults Should Join Children’s Play

I work with a lot of parents who are shocked to hear me say that I’m prescribing frequent and high quality play with their children as a method to reduce behavior and emotional problems and improve academic performance. I often get responses such as “my parents never played with me when I was growing up, and I turned out fine” or “I don’t have time for that” or “they have their sibling to play with, isn’t that enough?” or “I’m telling you my child is misbehaving, and you want me to do what??” 

And it’s got me thinking, why is it so hard for us adults to play with children? 

Do most of us not know how essential play is for children’s development?

Do we have difficulty being in the moment with children? 

Is it because we were not played with when we were growing up, and so we don’t know how to play with children?

Do we value getting chores/homework/extracurricular activities done more than play for our children?

In order for children to have healthy emotional, social, and cognitive development, they need adequate amount of sleep, proper nutrition, lots of opportunities to explore and learn, unconditional love, and lots and lots of play. 

Through play, children learn about new things, their vocabulary grows, they learn how to connect with another person, they learn social skills (e.g., turn taking, making eye contact, sharing, showing interest in someone else’s interests), advance their creativity and imagination, they master fine and gross motor skills, and all these things are needed for their self-esteem to mature properly. All of this is backed up by tons of research. We now also know that fathers engage in a unique style of play that is very essential for children’s emotion regulation skills, making it very important for children to have frequent play sessions with their fathers and/or father figures. 

Why adults MUST play with children.

When you join children in their play,  it gives you a chance to label what you are doing together, and tell them more about what they are engaging with. This  increases their vocabulary and advances their brain development and sets them up for academic success.

It gives you opportunities to provide them with support when you notice that they are attempting to master a new skill. This is called scaffolding and is a great parenting strategy when done right.

It helps you travel to their world, and in that place your bond grows, and your relationship strengthens, and that becomes the foundation through which your child’s self-esteem is built upon.

It gives a lot of opportunities for you to praise their good behavior and to let them know what type of behavior you want to see from them, which is one of the most effective strategies to reduce behavior problems in children.

It provides a lot of chances to be face-to-face, have eye contact and shared smile and enjoyment, and practice social skills with them.

Through play, children can often express the feelings and thoughts that they cannot express verbally.

It teaches children problem solving and emotion regulation skills, which are both foundational for academic, job, and marital success.

How To Play With Children

Playing with children is not rocket science, but it can feel that way if you haven’t seen it, or if you were not played with when you were growing up. 

1) Put away your devices. Free yourself of any distractions ahead of time so you can truly be present with your child. If your mind is somewhere else, you won't be able to make observations and be engaged with your child. If you notice your mind wondering away to your cell phone or the chores list, bring your attention back to your child, over and over.

2) Let go of your own agenda for how you two should be playing together, and instead start making observations on how the child is playing. Verbalize your observations, such as “oh...you are drawing a circle” or ask them questions about what they are doing. It makes them know you are paying attention to them. 

3) Let the child guide the play session. Notice what they are drawn to, and play with them using those toys or activity. Stay with that activity until they are ready to change direction to something else.

4) Be in the same hight level with children as much as possible so you can have lots of eye contact and shared smiles with them.

5) Label. Label. Label. Label and describe objects and verbs, and ask the child questions so they can use their vocabulary. Don’t be scared to use big words.

6) Praise frequently. Aim for a 6:1 ratio of positive to negative comments. You can say simple statements such as, “I really love how you are drawing” or “nice throw!” or “I appreciate how hard you are working on this puzzle”. No, you will NOT spoil your child for praising them. You are building their self-esteem. Make sure when giving praise, you are being specific (e.g., instead of “saying good job”, say how you really appreciated the way they did a specific thing), timely (make the praise soon after the particular event), and sincere.

7) Play can take many shapes and forms. It can be pretend play with dolls and action figures, or with cooking utensils. It can be making arts and crafts, building a puzzle, reading a book, exploring the garden or your backyard, playing a sport, playing peek-a-boo, or singing and dancing. With older children and teens, it can be playing a board game, doing your nails or hair together, hiking, building something, or playing video games.

8) You want to spend at least 10 minutes a day playing one-on-one with each child you have. The amount of needed daily play involving a parent is actually much higher for children 5 and under.

Some adults find it very hard to engage in play with children, and they may need some extra guidance and support around that. That’s OK! A good child therapist or someone who specializes in play therapy can be very helpful in facilitating theses interactions until you have become more comfortable playing with your child.

Here are also some fantastic books that can help you get better at playing with children. I hope you enjoy them!

Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul

150+ Screen-Free Activities for Kids: The Very Best and Easiest Playtime Activities from FunAtHomeWithKids.com!

Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children

Parenting with Theraplay®: Understanding Attachment and How to Nurture a Closer Relationship with Your Child

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn-and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

[hraveau-blog]

Two very unfortunate things that have happened to our society and are impacting our children's health are 1) Adult's don't value the role of play in children's development, and 2) Adults don't spend adequate time joining children in their play. If you want to have a positive impact on a child's development, spend time playing with them. It fosters their brain development, improves their self-esteem, strengthens your connection with them, and fuels their soul.

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Why It’s Time To Start Thinking Differently About Our Mental Health Care

I became aware of the stigma surrounding mental illness in the Iranian culture when I was only a child, and it made me want to choose a career path so that I could do something to change it. Then in 2001 my family moved to America, and I quickly learned that the same stigma is alive in the American culture. 

Have you watched the news lately?

It is filled with various ways showing us how deprived our society is of mental health care. From prevention to treatment, we are lacking proper education and care. We continue to not prioritize our mental health, or the mental health of others. We continue to wait until we are in crisis to see a specialist. We continue to feel ashamed for seeking treatment, or worse, hide it from others. 

“I felt relieved when I found out another child from my son’s school is seeking treatment”, a father shared with me recently. He said “I feel relieved knowing my son isn’t the only child seeing a therapist”. 

And meanwhile, decades of bio-psycho-social and epigenetic research findings supporting the relationship between quality of our mental health and EVERY aspect of our individual, community’s, and larger society’s well-being continues to pile on. Sadly, very few of us have become aware of this. 

We cannot shake off this feeling of shame. 

We continue to not value mental health care the way we value physical health care. We get shamed by the society if we neglect to see our family physician, dentist, and optometrist for an annual check-up. Hell, we get shamed by the society if we don’t floss our teeth or take our daily vitamin. But what messages are we getting regarding the importance of preventive care for our mental health? Do we even know how we can engage in preventive care for our mental health?

Most people I know in my personal and professional life are overworked, overstressed, sleep deprived, under nourished, and lack some type of coping skill regarding a certain issue in their lives. And we all wait until we are too depressed to get out bed, too anxious to manage our responsibilities, too emotionally dysregulated at home, or until we are numbing our pain and escaping our emotions with prescription or illegal drugs, alcohol, shopping, or excessive screen time. 

Consequences Of Lack Of Treatment in America (Stats listed on NAMI)

Serious mental illness costs us $193.2 billion in lost earnings per year.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in teens and young adults and 3rd cause of death in children 10-14, even though it’s 100% preventable.

Mood disorders are the 3rd most common cause of hospitalization for both youth and adults.

Individuals living with serious mental illness face an increased risk of having chronic medical conditions. These adults die on average 25 years earlier than others, largely due to treatable medical conditions.

Over one-third of students with a mental health condition age 14­–21 and older who are served by special education drop out—the highest dropout rate of any disability group.

Each day an estimated 22 veterans die by suicide.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15 to 44.

It is time we view mental health care differently.

We do not have to wait until all hell has broken loose with ourselves, our children, or our loved ones until we take action. We can start by prioritizing our own and our children’s mental health every single day, when we feel both well and not so well, in small and big ways. Just the same way that we value getting physical activity, enough sleep, and good nutrition. 

START.....HERE!

Understand that your mind and body are CONNECTED. When you do not get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, or move your body, your mind will not be able to manage stress properly, especially if your diet is high on inflammatory foods. And stress is part of life, so you can’t avoid it if you want to be a healthy individual, so we might as well be in the best physical shape so we can manage it. But this works the other way around: excessive amount of stress and mental health difficulties take a major toll on our quality of sleep, how WELL food is digested, and put us at major risk for all sorts of medical conditions. If there is nothing else you take away from this post, PLEASE understand this point that I’m trying to make. 

Learn how you can self-care, aka fill up your mental and emotional “cup”. Everyone’s soul, body, and mind gets recharged differently. But most of us need a good combination of proper physical care, calming alone time, positive and meaningful social interactions, and some sort of purpose in life. One person might need 8 hours of sleep, another person might need 10. One person might feel better after listening to music, another through a hike or painting a picture. One person needs one-on-one social time, or physical touch, another might need to be frequently around their whole extended family and close friends. Invest time and energy figuring out what works for you, and then do it as much as possible. 

Educate yourself. Nowadays, you have access to information at the tip of your fingers. From podcasts, to audiobooks, YouTube videos, blog posts, books, magazines, online and in person support groups, and educational websites, we have access to SO much information. Educate yourself on how to foster children’s social and emotional development if you are about to become a parent. Learn how you can support your teen as they transition to college. Find out what skills you need to have a successful marriage. Any life transition is an essential time for you to engage in preventive care.  Don’t wait until your child is having behavioral issues, or your child is struggling in college, or your marriage is falling apart. 

Find yourself a good therapist, give it a try, and value the time and money you are putting into it. You will learn and grow so much. It doesn’t have to be a long process. It can be once a month, or once every few months, just to discuss major points, learn new tools, and ensure that you are managing things properly. There are also a TON of self-help books that you can buy online, or online live groups that you can enroll in for a low price. Find an expert on a topic and subscribe to their newsletters or follow them on social media. You’ll be surprised how much you’ll learn. 

Seek services if you are going through something challenging. Engage early on in your challenge. And be honest and open with others about the fact that you are in therapy. Don’t have shame that you are seeing a therapist (supposedly in New York and LA, all the cool people are in therapy). If you don't know where to find a therapist, ask around, get help from your insurance, or go on Psychology Today. Some examples of major life events during which it’s important that you seek mental health care are loss of a loved one, experiencing a traumatic event, being diagnosed with a chronic or terminal condition, going through divorce, changing or losing a job. 

Encourage loved ones who are struggling mentally or going through something challenging to seek metal health care. Remind them of the benefits of preventive care, and ask them what you can do to help them make that first appointment.

The effort we put into ourselves trickles down to our children and our society. Our children benefit by watching and learning from us and by having us be healthier and more stable adult in their lives. This helps them grow into healthy adults who will manage their mental health well and be better members of the society. We all owe it to ourselves and the next generations to come to progress in this area of functioning. Sadly, we are currently mostly going backwards. But as you can see, it does not take much to get ourselves on the path to wellness. 

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

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A powerful short film that highlights a lot of important things, such as the parent-child relationship, importance of being in-tune with children’s internal world, and being conscious of how our society impacts our interactions with our children’s and their well-being.

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Celebrating Children For Who They Are - Part 2

“Children are more than their ability to sleep through the night. They are more than their willingness to instantly obey. They are more than a grade. They are more than a mood. They are more than they display at any given moment, more than what we see on the surface. They are human beings. Messy and beautiful, wild and compassionate, and worth getting to know, not just getting to mind.”

I love this quote by Rebecca Eanes from her book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide. For most of us, these words sound so foreign and can even make us feel uncomfortable. We might think “but I thought out worth is defined by what we accomplish and what we have to show as a result of those accomplishments?”

When I talk to parents about this approach to parenting, they even begin to worry that it will lead to raising spoiled, self-centered, and unmotivated children. Fathers, especially, worry that they will raise children who are too “soft” and “sensitive”.  But decades of research findings teach us that fostering children’s sense of self through compassion and respect will lead to children who are high on empathy and drive, who grow up to be adults with healthy and meaningful relationships who have lower rates of mental health problems. Also, you can celebrate the child you have AND still set healthy boundaries and be firm. What we know for sure is that when parents often engage in the below practices, children’s self esteem improve, defiant and attention seeking behaviors reduce, peer relationships blossom, and risk for unsafe behaviors during teenage years subside. 

Here are some ways you can celebrate your children for who they are to foster in them a healthier sense of self. 

Celebrate the small acts. Rather than focusing on the end goal (getting an A), focus and compliment your children on their progress and the effort. 

Tell children statements that foster their sense of self, such as 

Spending time with you makes me happy.

I love seeing your smiling face this morning.

You are a wonderful thing to wake up to.

I’m proud of you for who you are.

I love you no matter what.

You are so much fun to be with.

You bring a lot of joy to our family.

I am happy to share my life with you.

Fill your child’s emotional cup. Sometimes we get caught up in the rush and routines of the everyday and aren’t conscious about filling up our children emotionally. This just means helping them feel loved, valued, accepted, and approved of. Spend one-on-one time with your child. Leave love notes in their lunchbox or on their pillow. Take a few extra moments for affection. Offer a hug. Give them a pat on the back when you pass by them. Smile when they enter the room and make eye contact. These simple things convey the message “you matter to me all the time.”

Speak appreciation for the everyday things your kids do that are kind, good, or helpful. We feel good when someone shows appreciation for the little things we do. How often do we tell our kids we appreciate that they put their toys away or fed the cat or shared with a sibling? Because we expect these things to occur, we usually only notice when they don’t. Make a habit of noticing the positive.

If you notice that engaging in these behaviors with your children is very challenging for you, or that it brings up a lot of difficult emotions in you when you try to treat your children this way, it might be a sign that you have a difficult time accepting, loving, and celebrating the true person that YOU are. It might mean that you need your children to be a certain way so you can feel better about your own accomplishments. If you feel that some of this might be happening for you, engaging in your own individual therapy might be needed. Often, we need someone from the outside to help us process these emotions and foster a healthier and more authentic relationship with ourselves so that we can begin to engage more meaningfully with our children. 

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

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Have you ever come across someone who brings up a lot of emotions in you by just being who they are? Often these people are reminding us of a person who didn’t treat us well (typically in our childhood) or something traumatic occurred involving this person. Sometimes, on a conscious or an unconscious level, our children remind us of that person, and without awareness we make it our job to ensure that this child does not become “that person” or history does not repeat itself. How we choose to do that, because it’s not with awareness, and filled with fear or anger, causes a lot of damage. This child’s story is not yet written, and it is his or hers to write, with your love and guidance. Ask yourself, who does this child remind you of? What am I afraid of? What am I doing to control this child because of my own feelings?

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If you pay close attention, you can see that the cycle of self-neglect continues from one generation to the next over and over. We rarely spend the time to figure out who we really are, what makes us happy, without worrying about the society’s expectations, which leads to needing someone else to make us happy and “fill our cup”. That someone is usually our partner and our children. And the cycle continues into the next generation. It is sometimes the only way we know how to get our needs met. One of the best gifts you can give your children and your family is figuring out how you can meet your own needs, and not expecting others to be the source of your happiness. Through that, your children will be given the space to grow into who they were meant to be, to learn to love themselves, to have compassion for others, to have respect for other people’s autonomy, and to learn to be their own source of happiness.

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Have you ever heard of the saying that our children are meant to be our best teachers, if we choose to pay attention and listen? That our children have a way of holding a mirror in front of us so we can self reflect and grow, if we choose to look? Self growth isn’t always pretty, nor is it pain free, because it requires us to think and connect things differently so that we can behave differently. What part of this journey are you on? Are you a conscious traveler with your child? Or are you often distracted by what society demands of you?

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We place so much emphasis on “doing” and assume that’s the same thing as “being”. We think we are selfless in so many ways when we are working hard as a caregiver for a child so they can have what we want them to have (e.g., good grades, a clean room, good behavior), that we think to ourselves, “this child is so lucky to have me because of the things I do for him”. And we often let children know this when they are not perfect (aka guilt parenting, because you were likely parented that way when you were behaving like a human and made mistakes as a child). By separating our own needs and desires from the needs of the child, we can become more conscious about the pressures we are placing on ourselves, others, and the child. We can step back and ask “does making sure X happens really benefit THIS child, and the dynamic between us?”

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I am so in love with all the wisdom by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, that I am going to share with you some of my favorite quotes from her throughout this upcoming week, because I know once I share one with you, you are going to be wanting more! I’m going to leave the first one righttttttt here, and let you be the judge of how powerful her message is.

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Celebrating Children For Who They Are - Part 1

I am writing today to the parents and the grandparents, to the people who will soon begin a relational journey with a child or wish to at some point begin that journey, to the people who have the privilege of working professionally with children, and to the people who interact with children through their extended family. 

Take a moment and think about what you want for the children in your life. 

What are the things you want and expect from yourself to provide for them? 

What are the things that you expect your social network, your community, and your society to provide for them? 

Why is it important to you that children receive these things?

I’m assuming it’s because you want to ensure that they have the best development possible and are appropriately functioning for their age so that they can grow into adults who have fulfilling lives and relationships, are a good member of the society, are independent, and are HAPPY.

So you work SO HARD to give these children everything YOU THINK they need and deserve, so they can become who you THINK they can be. You use a significant amount of mental and physical energy day in and day out, which leads to exhaustion, which leads to resentment, which leads to getting angry with that child when who they are in a given moment does not align with what you NEED them to be.

e.g., you are angry with your child because you have spent a lot of money having them learn a new sport, but they aren’t giving their best effort. After you are done getting mad at them, you tell them you only get upset because you love them and want the best for them.

I’m hearing you think, “BUT I thought success creates the Holy Grail of life, which is purpose, happiness, joy, and meaning! I would be doing a disservice to this child if I didn’t ensure they were successful, I don’t want my child to be THAT child who is not “functioning properly” or has a lack. How would that make my child feel?!”

Our ENTIRE societal system throughout most of the world is designed to cause a significant amount of anxiety in us about how we should be raising children, how children should behave, and who they should become. This happens through explicit and implicit messages every single day.  

Take another moment and think about what it means to you to be happy. 

Does it mean you have a well paying job and a nice looking house that is always clean, a partner who is madly in love with you and will do everything and be everything for you, friends that you enjoy spending time with, and children who do well in every aspect of their lives? 

Our journey in life should not be to always strive to be happy. It should be about letting go of our need for how things should be, and instead becoming fully engaged with life’s experiences as they present themselves just the way they are. 

“Happiness” is not eliminating all negative emotions and painful life experiences within yourself, or your child and your family.  I repeated myself: “Happiness” is not eliminating all negative emotions and painful life experiences within yourself, or your child and your family.  And “happiness” is not entering interactions with children or others with the desire to fix, control, and produce. 

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a world-renowned clinical psychologist and the author of the several books on parenting, says that we are trained to only celebrate our children when they are accomplishing something grand, and we gloss over the everyday moments such as when they tie their laces, helping them brush their teeth, and when they get up in the morning. She says that it is all these moment-to-moment instances that call for connections.

Part 2 of this blog series will cover simple ways that you can practice letting go of your ego, your sense of superiority, your need for control over your children, and your anxieties, and figuring out how to allow your child’s life to unfold as it should. I will end this post with a poem by Dr. Tsabary from her book Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work And What Will.

My child isn’t my easel to paint on nor my diamond to polish.

My child isn’t my trophy to share with the world nor my badge of honor. 

My child isn’t an idea, an expectation, or a fantasy nor my reflection or legacy. 

My child isn’t my puppet or a project nor my striving or desire.

My child is here to fumble, stumble, try, and cry. 

Learn and mess up. Fail and try again. 

Listen to the beat of a drum faint to our adult ears and dance to a song that revels in freedom.

My task is to step aside. Stay in infinite possibility. Heal my own wounds Fill my own bucket. 

And let my child fly.

Hasti Raveau, MA

Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist serving the greater Plymouth and Northville area of Michigan. Much of her work is focused on helping children improve their emotional well-being, supporting parents on their parenting journeys, and empowering families so they can repair, grow, and thrive.

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As an adult, don’t you sometimes feel like you are often trying to make everyone else happy, or trying to be who everyone else want you to be? Isn’t it exhausting?! One way to ensure your children don’t have this issue and grow into confident adults who practice self love and self compassion is by letting go of the idea of how you think, or anyone else thinks, your children should be, and learning to love them for who they are. Through that, they will thrive and flourish and become their best version of themselves. (I promise you, you won’t raise a narcissist that way). Look out for my next blog post on this!

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In this video, Dr. Stuart Ablon, Director of the Think:Kids program in the Department of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, describes the general tenets of a model of care called Collaborative Problem Solving, which was originated by Dr. Ross Greene in his book The Explosive Child.  

Challenging behavior exhibited by children and adolescents is a common concern and frustration for parents, teachers, and other helpers. In this talk, Dr. Ablon will challenge the conventional wisdom about what causes challenging behavior and as a result what we should do to help. Drawing from research in the neurosciences, Dr. Ablon will suggest a revolutionary way of thinking about challenging behavior and a corresponding process by which kids of all kinds can be taught skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance and problem solving.