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[iamhomewardbound]

8.28.23

TW - death, graphic descriptions, depression

My Dad died last May.

He died at 3:10 PM on a Wednesday afternoon after a lifelong battle with alcoholism. He died before I turned thirty, before he could walk me down the aisle, before he could meet my future children.

On a late Sunday afternoon I drove home because he was in the hospital again. My mom said they had mentioned that he may have six months to live. Huh? I don't know how I drove for over 3 hours after hearing that. Over the course of the next eleven days, his prognosis went from months to weeks, and from weeks to days.

And on the eleventh day, we sat around him, exhausted beyond words after days and nights of exasperated caretaking that spiraled into infinity. I cannot physically bring myself to write what we experienced, but just know when you liver and kidneys fail simultaneously, ammonia builds up in the body and pretty much makes you go insane. So the parent you love with all your heart is writhing, bucking and tearing at their own skin as their body succumbs to the end stages. They are hallucinating and angry. They are awake all hours of the night and asleep all hours of the day. They are diapered and spoon fed. They are helpless.

As we sat around him on the 11th day, his breathing began to labor. I looked up from the newspaper I was reading and suddenly it was time. We gathered (or floated? I don't even know how I got there) around him and I took his hand in mine. It was oddly lukewarm and slightly rigid. I didn't think anything of it at the time, in fact I'm not sure I was capable of coherent thought at all. His big giant hands that held me as a child, that would rustle my hair and envelope me in massive hugs. Those giant hands. How, Dad, how?

His wrist pressed against mine, and I realized couldn't feel a pulse. His breathing paused for longer than normal. I put my two fingers up under his jawline and suddenly he let out, what I did not know at the time, the very last gasp of air from his lungs. I was so startled I laughed. Not sure why I did. Then suddenly our family nurse was there and my mom told her solemnly that he seemed to have stopped breathing. Seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days passed by, and then she put her fingers on his neck to check his pulse, and then some words came out of her mouth that indicated he was dead but there was that ringing sound in my ears. My mom and sister erupted into animalistic sobs, but the ringing sound™ got louder, louder and louder like in the movies. All other sound is muted. There is nothing, only ringing.

Somehow I watched my Dad get put on a stretcher and loaded into a hearse. They zipped the black bag up around his face and I wanted to cry out, "STOP, you're suffocating him!!!"

But it was me that couldn't breathe. I was the one who was suffocating. I couldn't breathe, and I wouldn't be able to really breathe for the next several months. Maybe even the rest of my life.

It's been a little over a year. A year of the core part of my being collapsing into itself and rotting into the diseased seas of despair and depression. You thought you were sad? You thought you were really fucking sad?? Try losing a parent under highly traumatic circumstances and your lowest moments will feel like a goddamned vacation compared to this.

The worst feeling of all is this is year 1/X; 1 of X.

X being a lifetime.

The mortuary called us on Father's Day to let us know my Dad's ashes were ready to be picked up. You know, cause Father's Day clearly was the best day to do this (sarcasm).

Something they don't tell you about ashes is that there's bits of calcified bone in it. So, if you move it, rebottle it, or shake it, it goes klink-tink. It is also a beige, almost skin-like color, not what I would have expected, and kind of sombering.

And so this is my life now. Consumed forever by the sudden, highly traumatic death of my father. I continue my existence pretending to seem like I'm okay when I've been dealt probably the craziest fucking blow I could have never forseen coming.

I can't vocalize the absolute horror and pain I've had to see and go through. I just can't.

Hug your parents. Hug your Dad. forgive them. Go visit them.

I would give up all my earthly possessions just to be wrapped in a big bear hug from my Dad, but I will never again in my life get that privilege. Just writing those words out into a sentence is incomprehensible.

You don't even know the magnitude of knowing never again in your life will you see, hear, or touch someone you love. These words shift continents and collapse black holes. They pause time and halt gravity.

So, I urge you to you go tell your parents you love them, and give them as many hugs as you still can. Please.

For me, if anything.

[iamhomewardbound]

[iamhomewardbound]

[iamhomewardbound]

[iamhomewardbound]

ily <333

[iamhomewardbound]

[iamhomewardbound]

The cost of sanity in this society, is a certain level of alienation

-Terence McKenna

[iamhomewardbound]

“some people won’t see you regardless of how clear a picture of yourself you paint, because their idea of you won’t allow them to see you as anything else than what makes them comfortable. their misunderstandings of you are not your responsibility to manage.”

— iambrillyant

[iamhomewardbound]

03.12.22

Two years ago today we were having the last few normal days that we would ever experience, and we had no idea.

A year ago today, I had just caught COVID and was beginning to get very sick. I had no idea I would never truly feel well again.

But... two years ago today I was living with a friend and our friendship was beginning to become unravelled. as much as it sucked, i kind of think it was for the best. so much has happened in the last two years. Oddly it's been an upward spiral. I went from sleeping on a mattress in her room to having a master bedroom in a very nice apartment. I make more money, I feel better about myself, I dress better, and I think I do life a lot better. I have a nice car lots of other nice new things.

[iamhomewardbound]

Dante's Inferno - Chapter 22.3

child abuser? or abused child?

I can't exactly tell from the police report sitting on the counter. Either my roommate's boyfriend has a felony for child abuse, or I'm staring at the police report that details him being the child that was abused.

[iamhomewardbound]

Yamal Peninsula, Siberia by Kirill Uyutnov

[iamhomewardbound]

Blissful dreams 🌙✨

[iamhomewardbound]

[iamhomewardbound]

1.30.22

I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am losing weight. LOSING weight!! I've been calorie counting and portioning all of this month. The first half of the month I kept going over my allotted calories and couldn't figure out why the number on the scale wasn't moving. Then it occurred to me that I was solely maintaining my weight. I felt a little discouraged, but I pushed a bit harder and kept my calories at or under the amount my app was telling me to. And that's when I saw the scale move. I was dumbfounded. I was convinced a decade of birth control, poor eating and lifestyle had permanently fixed my body to be this way. BUT here I am, having lost close to five pounds this month. It's no small feat for me. It's taken daily dedication and determination. The craziest thing is, I haven't included any exercise like at all (due to post exertional malaise that's happening due to ongoing #longCOVID syndrome). This really is indicative that diet and nutrition control all. I am so excited to see the number move downwards and to be doing it in a healthy, nutritional fashion. I can't even tell you my bewilderment. I thought I was cursed to sit at 225 lbs for the rest of my life.

This has brought a whole new kind of excitement and game to my life. I feel recharged. Like I CAN DO THIS!!! I've had an extremely unhealthy view of my body and self esteem for many years, and while it's improved ten fold over the last two years, I still need to make a valiant effort to:

- stop overeating (seems to cause a ton of inflammation in general and was likely causing my long COVID flare ups)

- focus on nutrition I've been a vegetarian for a decade. But that doesn't mean I've been healthy. I've over-consumed and eaten crap for the last 7 years thanks to my dipshit BF

- lower my BMI - dumb, I know, but I am sure that my body sitting in an overweight state for years greatly increases my risk of all kinds of diseases and is likely fueling my long haul symptoms

- feel better not only will I feel physically better, but I think it will greatly improve myself esteem and body image. I've learned to be okay with the way I look now, but I would love to be lighter ;) (and for once feel semi confident to actually wear a bathing suit!!!!!)

I am so fucking excited for this year. I bought a beautiful new planner and a habit tracker that I put right next to the mirror each morning. With both I think I can achieve so, so much.

♫ I am so in love with this life I am living, and I am so thankful for the tools I am given ♪ Thank you universe. I really, truly, owe you one. ♥

[iamhomewardbound]

berry bush 

[iamhomewardbound]

1.13.22

I don't know that I've ever felt this hopeful about the direction of my life. Like, ever. Despite COVID raging, despite me just telling him I wanted to break up, despite it ALL - I am making enormous strides on my personal goal list, logging all my food each day for calorie tracking, getting stuff done at work, feeling so secure, strong, and happy about myself. I'm not sure what changed to cause this, but at the same time so many small changes contributed to this.

Slowly practicing self-loving habits, talking to myself like I am person who deserves respect, choosing myself and my space over him, making healthier food choices, not being discouraged by set backs, being aggressive with goals and habits, BELIEVING I CAN, eating at home for every meal for the last two weeks, starting an anti-depressant regimen, working on securing regular therapy sessions.

WHO AM I?! THIS IS NOT THE HANNAH I KNEW TWO YEARS AGO!

The crazy thing is that *****I***** create all this progress. I did this. I made the effort to reach out to Jeanette. To move in with her. to distance myself from him. To renew the lease. To push forward.

I *NEVER* thought I was going to get out of this relationship but now I'm standing at the doorstep so fucking ready to run and welcome the world that has been waiting for me.

I can't even explain how excited for life I am right now. I have never ever felt like this. And I am so grateful.

[iamhomewardbound]

1.6.22

I told you I want to take a break. You responded with some usual backhanded remark. But I am starting to feel so much peace in being by myself, truly focusing on and developing my habits and goals, and getting to experiment and enjoy life. It feels different. It feels better. For the first time in the last seven years, I am not scared. I've been practicing for the last 1.5 years how to live on my own. And if Jeanette doesn't want to renew the lease this year, which I'm guessing she likely won't, I'm kind of excited and prepared to seek out the absolute CUTEST lil studio apartment in downtown Sacramento. While it's far from work, there's two reasons why: I can't live in Rancho close to you. My mind will make up excuses as to why I should float on over to your house and into your bed. I've done an excellent job at staying true to my decisions and staying away, but I need to keep myself separate from you until I can really trust myself to always make a good decision. ALSO - downtown is kind of growing on me. LOL. I NEEEVVVERRR thought I'd say that. I've spent a lot of time hating downtown/midtown Sac, but when I occasionally venture into it for stuff, I'm kind of at peace with it. I have been thinking about finding a place close to a craft brewery or some bullshit, and going to late night weekend concerts and making new friends and perhaps meeting guys. IDK. The possibilities are endless. And I'm kind of freaking excited. Like fuck, this is my life and I'm goona fucking live it. I think this will really be the year I finally break up with you. Year Seven.