#codepency

[hel7l7]

I don't think this has ever really been ok.

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[devine-fem]

I’m usually on that light to my dark side brainrot but no I want that: ‘You’re bad, I’m worse. Together we can be horrible.” Brainrot. YAY TRAGEDY!! YAY BAD ENDINGS. enemies to lovers?? no, give me LOVERS TO ENEMIES

[phantom-gold]

🏹 TODAY'S PROBLEMATIC SHIP 💲

"I'm just followin' you, big bro."

Ah KeiOku, a ship I know well. You can never go wrong with brother/brother, I always say, especially when it has such a spicy undertone. I say undertone... but the abusive, codependent energy that these two give off is unrivaled.

Okuyasu — a young man who knows damned well his intelligence isn't getting him through life — relies so heavily on his brother that due to story events separating them, he's left to cope with his resulting feelings. It goes to show how heavily the two rely on each other, but more so Okuyasu upon his big brother, who isn't shy about bossing him around and making choices for him.

In a way, it feels like that's what Okuyasu wants. Never to have to think and just to trust the judgement of his knowledgeable, always correct big bro.

In all fairness, the two are all each other has — besides their father.

Under the abuse (both verbal and physical) there is a genuine care and want for the best for Okuyasu. Even if he goes the most violent way of showing it, Keicho cares about his little brother, because if he didn't then why would he do what he did when it came to Red Hot Chili Pepper?

Actions speak louder than words after all.

Though the two only have a 2 year age gap (16/18) they're still blood related, have an unbelievable power imbalance relationship that's so toxic you could get radiation poisoning from staring at them too long and... well... just look at them. So much potential for Keicho to tell his darling, loyal dog of a little brother what to do... and Oku doesn't want to disappoint his big bro after all.

Antis DNI — This Post Is Not For You.

[kimchicuddles]

RERUNS! Here's one of my favorites about emotional rollercoasters (a topic I'm writing about from a different angle right now)! Check out behind the scenes sketches and outtakes while I write comics: patreon.com/kimchicuddles 🥰 Thank you so much for supporting my work!

[the-courage-to-heal]

[irene2025]

Hopping into Easter season already. This year has presented some challenges. Not ones that were not expected. There’s been alot pivots in my life over last two years.

Some days I wonder will I grieve the rest of my life for what things never were, could never be, and are truly ends.

Then there’s the new beginnings. As someone who can fall in the trap of codependency very easily, I second guess a lot. I’m a little more cynical than I used to be. I’m a little more anxious about next steps. And, I easily fall into patterns that don’t serve me well.

Sound familiar? How do I handle it?

I give myself grace. I remind myself each moment passes. Make the best decisions you can. Look to the future with optimism. Take care of my own needs first.

[therapeuticmonologues]

"Your reality includes four areas: (1) knowing what you look like and how your body is functioning, (2) understanding and being aware of how you're thinking, (3) recognizing and experiencing your emotions, and (4) being aware of your behavior and its impact on others. Being aware of these four areas gives you a sense of who you are. And recovery is experiencing and sharing your personal environment in a more accurate and less skewed manner in all of these areas."

--Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody

[beeden96]

Coraline as a Buddhist parable

Last night while I was writing down the Four Noble Truths with a brush pen in my sketchbook (I do stuff like that sometimes), my roommate put on the movie Coraline. This was entirely coincidental but I was struck by how much the themes of the movie relate to everything I've been learning recently about the core teachings of Buddhism.

There is a concept in Buddhism called "right view." It is the first practice in the Eightfold Path. I think of this as referring to a person's understanding and perception of reality. When a person does not see the true nature of reality, they are vulnerable to illusions and delusions, which cause cravings and excessive attachments.

The Other Mother in Coraline has buttons for eyes, and she sews buttons into the eyes of other people who she lures into her illusory reality. She literally lacks "right view," and she tries to force other people to share her distorted view. She craves, and clings, and she wants other people to cling to her, so she offers them the things they crave. She controls others because she is so attached to them.

The moment when all of this hit me was at the end of the movie, when the Other Mother screams, "Don't leave me! Don't leave me! I'll die without you!"

The reason it hit me is because I suddenly saw myself in her. I think a lot of people live like this without realizing it. I am one of those people, or at least I have been. This "I'll die without you!" sentiment can be applied to any kind of addiction. The "You" could be food, it could be alcohol, it could be sex, it could be attention from others, etc. The sentiment behind the Other Mother's words can be related to any pattern of compulsive thought or behavior. But in this movie, and in my own life, that theme most often plays out in relationships with other people. Codependence is a key word to describe the pattern, at least the way I understand it.

I'm trying to develop the inner strength and acceptance of reality, to move beyond that way of existing. It is really painful to live like that. And I found myself feeling sad for the Other Mother, who is trapped in a world (resulting at least in part from her lack of "right view") where she never has enough, is never satisfied, and is never happy. Things change, and everything is impermanent, so clinging and controlling is only ever going to end in heartbreak.

There is a concept in Buddhism of the hungry ghost. They are ghosts who are stuck in a state of constant craving and dissatisfaction, and they can be extremely destructive as a result. I think that the Other Mother is a perfect, almost textbook example of a hungry ghost. I mean, she would literally consume children because she was craving their love so much.

The word "love" here is interesting to me. The cat in Coraline says that the Other Mother loves Coraline and wants to be loved in return. But the word love in this context indicates an unhealthy, all-consuming obsession, rather than mutual respect and care. A really helpful and succinct explanation is actually right in the book (which the movie is based on). Neil Gaiman writes: "It was true. The other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold."

Now, turning my attention to Coraline herself: I see this movie as a story about how Coraline developed "right view" after undergoing a process of reckoning with her previous approach to life. She was unable to accept reality as it was. She was unhappy, and craved a different life with different parents and different friends and different material possessions. She wanted more. And in this way, she was very like the Other Mother.

As a storytelling device, the Other Mother is useful. Characters are useful for illustrating dynamics of growth and change over the course of a narrative. But I think that ultimately, the Other Mother was inside of Coraline, and a part of her. Just as she had been a part of all the other people living in that house who were dissatisfied with their lives. She is a symbol of the attachments and cravings that all people have, taken to their extreme but logical conclusion.

In the first part of the movie, Coraline resists change. She has just moved to a new place, and she has not accepted her new reality. She has trouble connecting with the people around her, who are either overworked and exhausted (her parents), or who she barely knows at all. Because her material and social conditions are not acceptable to her, and she does not yet have "right view," she develops cravings. She lives out those cravings in the fantasy world inhabited by the Other Mother.

Sometime in the early to middle part of the movie, Coraline goes to a shop with her Mom and asks for some colorful knitted gloves. She wants them because nobody else will have them and she thinks they look pretty and interesting. Her Mom says no. This makes Coraline angry, and causes her to go even deeper into the world inhabited by the Other Mother, because that is a world in which she believes her desires can be fulfilled.

Over time, she begins to understand that the Other Mother (this dissatisfied aspect of herself) is not a good person to hang around, and that her perspective on life is warped. She begins to see the dangers of living in delusion, and clinging to sense pleasures. She becomes a firsthand witness to the instability and violence this way of living can create.

So she lets go. She lets go of her expectations, she lets go of her cravings, and instead she decides to honor her love for her parents, which is based in mutual care, rather than obsession and excessive catering to desires. It is only once she lets go of any attachment to an outcome, that she begins to receive the things she originally wanted. Love, care, attention, and even some nice physical items. Her Mom gives her the gloves she wanted as a surprise gift. But now, she is wise enough to appreciate these things for what they are. She can be happy and present in the moment, appreciating the little things while they last.

[xanaxxx-aunt]

Well my feelings are sufficiently hurt this morning.

[theartistichuman]

I’m not trying to save you. I don’t want to. I like it when you’re cold and angry. I don’t think I’d like you if you weren’t. Is it true that we’re the truest version of ourselves when we have something to lose? I wouldn’t know. I only have you and you’re already lost.

This is your descent to madness, this is your decline, and you have no one but me. It’s beautiful, I think. I’d be so lonely without you.

[thelonelyfirefly]

My brain wanders and I’m in the dark again, where my past life with you resides.. alone and tucked away.

I find comfort and solace amongst those lingering shadows of a time that once was and will never be again.

A sweet honey, metallic taste comes to my mouth, resting on my tongue as raging waves of salty tears well up in my eyes. The waters of my heartbreak and anger flood over onto my cheeks and I’m crying into my knees again.

Thinking of you ignites a stinging, nestling nostalgia in my heart and I can feel it breaking all over again, hurting myself religiously.

I can’t help it, you were my everything, my first love… forests of love was all I could feel around you. I know it’s foolish, I know it’s hard, I know it’s raw and unkind, but I can’t help it when I’m feeling alone.

How is it fair I’m left this way and you’ve gone and walked away? Acting like our relationship, our love, was nothing and meant nothing.

How do you do it? The traumatic narrative that was us has manifested itself as a part of my body, there’s no burying it.

[intuitive-wanderess]

Everything is a Projection

Everything/everyone is a projection of who you are. The reality you perceive is just a reflection of your inner world.

Lately this idea that everything/everyone is a projection has been troubling, as it's caused me to blame myself and almost put myself in a state of feeling powerless, unable to create the experience I desire with others, or so that's what I thought. I've had to step back and look at it from another angle.

While taking responsibility is important and can feel empowering, I also feel the need to caution this mindset especially when I’ve been known to unconsciously think, move and act primarily in the favor of others (codependency/people pleasing/overly independent/good girl/fear of being vulnerable).

So let's tweak this a bit...

Everything/everyone is a projection of who you are. Who you are being is the subconscious program running within you. The reality you perceive is just a reflection of your subconscious mind.

I have this subconscious programming that is being projected out and it says, Asha you're being too much, too needy, too demanding, too audacious, too complicated, people will not understand you and abandon you/reject you for this...

...so don't ask for much, solely meet your own needs, don’t ask for what you want, be less demanding/assertive, be overly humble, simplify your ways, and be sure to over explain yourself in order to keep people around (validation).

The subconscious mind runs your habits, behaviors, feelings and it's logic says, abandon yourself so that you are not abandoned by others.

Consciously, I know that's a limiting belief, so when opportunities show up for me to reject this programming and shift into a more empowering, conscious mindset, I notice myself experiencing tension and resistance.

I stand up for myself more than ever before. I set my boundaries. I take up space. I ask for what I want. I assume people will understand me and most of the time it's reflected positively in my reality.

….but then that subconscious programming creeps up and I find myself fixated on the few people and circumstances where I feel invalidated. It feels safer to crawl back into the known, back to my familiar ways.

What's familiar is not always good for you... It’s more familiar for me to blame myself, hold back from my true expressions, be less vulnerable and play it safe/small for the sake of others.

Even when people have hurt me and blatantly disrespected me, I'd be quick to overlook it and find meaning in it. Before even acknowledging myself and what had happened to me, I'd try to justify the disrespect and gross behavior I received. I'd question myself and over analyze what I could have done to attract this experience.

I abandoned myself so that I would not be abandoned by them. 

By them I just don't mean the people and circumstances in my life, but also my old subconscious programming.

Stop abandoning yourself, your new self-concept for the sake of keeping your old self-concept/subconscious program alive. You've made a conscious decision to create a life you love, so stay the course and persist. It's getting easier and easier.

Affirmation: My current reality is a reflection of who I choose to be and not of who I used to be.

[drudeger]

I've been rewatching bojack horseman and I've been thinking a lot about how it portrays codependent relationships.

I've never really talked to other people about codependent relationships, but having been in some and assuming things based off of the way society often sees trauma, abuse, etc. in general, I can imagine an outsider seeing all codependent relationships as the enabler being the victim and that they're the ones being taken advantage of by the dependent. that it can never be the other way around or even something in between.

bojack on the other hand shows how, in fact, sometimes the dependent is the victim and the enabler the abuser through todd and bojack's relationship. we know and understand that todd has ambitions and wants to be able to do things on his own without constantly depending on bojack, but bojack selfishly goes out of his way throughout a huge portion of the show to clip his wings, putting him down, even sabotaging todd's work to keep todd dependent on him.

and idk, I just think it's a cool show for deconstructing toxic patterns and subverting expectations in how it portrays them.