imaradiocure

[imaradiocure]

[imaradiocure]

[imaradiocure]

Grief is so lonely

It shows itself in the dark of the night

When only the walls are listening

And the ache of the love you can no longer give

Pulls your tears to stain your pillow

And they're just

Gone

And you're still here

[imaradiocure]

no babe i am not okay

babe are u okay ur crying about closeness lines over time by olivia de recat again

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“Everyone You've Loved,” Susannah Irene

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— Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice

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Our connection didn’t start when we met .. it was always there we just found it then

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I was interruptin × couldn't function × such disgrace ★ wow ★ how disgusting × look at how the flowers never bloomed... & I keep wishing on a fucking star ★ it must feel good from where you are × I wish I could be born brand new × 'cause if you were me you'd wish you were you too...

I said, "Wait, I swear I've come down. I just wanted to be round ya. Don't leave me about. I swear I've come down. Wait, I swear I've come down. I just wanted to be round ya. Don't leave me about. I swear I've come down, wait. I swear I've come down, wait. Don't leave me now."

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I try to excite myself so I stay crazy | I am awake in the place where women die

DIE

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Hollow Kiss ♡ Bottle Liquor ♥︎ Man I'm Sick ☆ Man I'm Schizo ★ All white leather y'kno this man ain't shit without you in the interior I'm dying somewhere in the dark * All white leather & I think what if we weren't ridin', dyin' together? THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD FALL APART

I thought you were my new best friend... wish I knew better then. Who knew you were just out to get me? My whole world just fell apart. Cuz I never felt so alone. I could never be more alone than when I ain't got you here.

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DOA

This body is totaled

Scrap metal shrapnel

No Tow

Worthless salvage

A junkyard reject

One last bang for a buck

Light 'er up

Flash bang of light

A fragrance so sweet

Gasoline, gasoline

Surreal in a void

Like a dream

The body, a busted vehicle for life

Kidneys & liver in overdrive

A flashing check engine light

A misfire inside this rusted heart

Mechanical damage, the car won't start

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Why "Everything happens for a reason" is toxic positivity

As someone who has been through some really tough things in life and as someone who truly used to ✨️believe✨️ in the "everything happens for a reason" mentality as a young woman who had been through trauma, I think it's time to talk about the damage this phrase can cause.

First, let's talk about it as a mindset. If this mindset gets you through your shit, that's awesome. I am genuinely happy it helps you and I'm not trying to take that away from you in any way. We all get through life in the best way that we can. I also understand that sometimes when we are healing, retroactively applying this phrase to a shitty situation helps us to tie up our own loose ends. If THAT wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have THIS now. While it's true that all of our past experiences make up who we are today, not all of our past experiences propelled us to where we are. Some of our past experiences took us down some fucked up detours, maybe those detours lasted years and caused great chaos and pain. Not everyone makes their way back to the main road after the detour and sometimes the detour comes to a dead end. We may have learned the same lessons through more effective, less traumatic means. Even if it's true that we only have the good things today because of the bad things of the past, it's still okay to say "I deserved better". We don't have to always have this upbeat and positive outlook. When we use this sort of coping mechanism we deny ourselves the chance to show compassion toward ourselves and in turn it stunts our ability to empathize with others.

We can have gratitude for the good things we have while still acknowledging we didn't deserve the bad things that happened to us. We don't have the good shit BECAUSE of the bad shit - we have the good IN SPITE of the bad. That's far more powerful than some equation of fate.

There are things that happen where there is no reason. You can choose to make reason out of it if you want to. You can choose to see positives in the negatives. It just doesn't sit right with me to say THAT happened so THIS could happen. No... no, you see that horrible thing that happened sucked and it was hard and maybe you barely made it through, maybe you're still not through, maybe you'll never be all the way through it. If something neutral or positive happens in tandem, later on, or however life ends up unfolding it doesn't mean the positive needs to be attributed to the negative. They can be independent and unrelated. Duality exists.

As I said earlier, I had this mindset for most of my life. I really believed it. I believed it even though I had recurring se×ual assault when I was 15. I believed it even though I had been rapəd at 19 or 20 years old at a party in a room full of people. I believed it until I was 24 and my entire life as I knew it changed forever.

My fiance died. I found his body. This shattered me. It is traumatizing. Everything I thought I knew and everything I thought I believed in suddenly disappeared. I had no faith. I had nowhere to turn. Nothing made sense. There was no reason, no logic, no sense to be made of it. I'm 30 now and there is still no reason good enough to make what happened okay or acceptable. There will never be a reason good enough to exchange for his life or the trauma his death left behind.

My sense of self shattered into pieces and it took a long time to gather the those pieces up and try to put them back together. As you can imagine, just like an intricate piece of glass being shattered, some of those pieces are gone forever. You can't put the pieces back they way they were before. You are forever changed. Some of those changes could be dropped into a simple box like a "good quality" but not all of those changes have been good. Any positive changes to my character could be achieved through other means. Character development is not an equal exchange for his life nor is it a good enough reason for the pain. The detours I had to take in the years since were long and dark. Some of those detours were dangerous. Sometimes I was closer to joining him in death than I was to living life. Me being here today to say any of this can truly be attributed to a roll of the dice. There were long periods of time where the only way I felt anything but devastating loss was walking the line between life and death.

I remember so clearly the contempt I felt for my family and friends. I'm supposed to live to spare them the very pain I must bare. I thought this so selfish. I'm expected to push forward in agony, insufferable pain because taking my own life would cause them this same grief I'm saddled with. How is that fair? I felt so strongly about this I would say it to my therapist. Honestly, I don't feel differently about it than I did then. I don't have an answer for it. It's not fair for them to ask and it's also not fair of me to leave. The duality. The dichotomy. Both are true.

I think that's the biggest piece of truth that "Everything happens for a reason" lacks. It misses the fact that the shit is still shit whether or not you get some gold out of it. You don't have to write off your darkest days to have gratitude for the good days. They both exist. They are both true. They do not cancel eachother out. They don't make eachother less or more. They just are. Shit is still shit. Gold is still gold. If you have both, then you have both. It's okay to say the shit still stinks even when the gold glitters because it's true and I will say that again...

The shit doesn't stop stinking just because the gold glitters, and you can still marvel at the glittering gold in spite of the smell of shit.

Some days you'll smell the shit and won't see any gold. Some days the gold will glitter so intensely that you'll forget about the shit for a little while.

Things don't happen for a reason. Things happen. You can turn what happened into a reason if it helps you. It doesn't help me. It happened. There's no reason. The tragedy forced me to find reasons to continue to live. The tragedy is not the reason I continued to live, I lived IN SPITE of the tragedy.

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I don't fucking know how to be okay

How do you find someone you love dead on the bathroom floor and recover from that

How do you

How does anyone

How does life just go on after something like that

Some wounds will never heal, they fester

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The worst day of my life

Reaching over to your side of the bed, I expected to feel you beside me

I was jolted awake because you were not there

At the time I had no idea how 'The Reach' would haunt me for years in the twilight between sleep and wake

I'd continue to reach but I'd never find you.

I got up from bed and peered out into the living room, thinking maybe you'd fallen asleep on the couch or had gotten up early

and how niave of me it was, but I didn't yet know that this was the worst day of my life.

I think I called your name, but I can't be sure as panic set it and things became a little hazy at this point.

I found you in the bathroom. You were unresponsive. I didn't know what happened but as I tried to wake you, you didn't respond.

I remember looking down on us in the bathroom, with what was likely your dead body, but my brain did not accept that. You couldn't be gone. Not my Nick. Not my love.

I heard your voice from all around me say, "I'm so sorry," it was loud but it didn't come from your mouth. Maybe it was an auditory hallucination. The brain does strange things in the face of extreme stress and trauma.

I darted for a phone, but I couldn't find mine. I was so fucking panicked and scared and alone. I found your phone and dialed 911.

Things become more hazy. I knew this was an overdose because I saw the spoon in the bathroom. I told the operator it was heroin, the toxicology report would later say it was morphine.

I had to do CPR and the 911 operator instructed me but I failed. I failed you. I couldn't stop sobbing, hyperventilating. I was trying, but I was no good. I couldn't help you and I couldn't breathe either.

The paramedics arrived and I rushed to unlock the doors. I dont really know what happened after. They took you to the living room I think and I was sat in the bedroom. I was quietly sitting in shock, I kept asking if you were going to be okay. The female officer told me she didn't know yet.

They asked me questions and I dont remember what. They pronounced you dead and the doctor came to tell me and I kicked and I screamed "No! We were supposed to get married!" and other things, but I can't remember what they were. An officer may have been restraining me.

One of the many officers combing through my home asked if I wanted to go outside for fresh air or a cigarette and I must have agreed. I was in pajama shorts, so I went to my closet to grab a coat when officers panicked because they didn't want me unsupervised. Maybe they thought I was hiding drugs. Maybe they thought I was a danger. I don't know.

I stood outside shaking, blank, empty, in shock. In shorts and an open jacket in mid February in South Dakota.

I remember a male officer say something to the effect of "you look like you're doing alright"

I don't think I looked at him. I did not respond. I had already shut down. The female officer asked me if I could call someone, my mother. I tried to give the number but I guess I gave my own phone number. I was very confused. As I said, I had shut down.

Somehow they reached her and she came to get me from the home I had shared with my fiance. I was stone cold and silent until I saw her, hugged her, and broke down into wails and sobs. Before we left the female officer told me I was not going to be charged with anything, which hadn't even occured to me as a possibility.

For months I did nothing but sit or lay on my mother's couch. Sometimes I didn't recognize where I was. I couldn't look in the mirror. I couldn't eat. I couldn't exist. All I wanted was to go with him. I didn't want to be here without him.

People who pretended to be friends came and went. Family members collected my pets and belongings from the house I shared with my fiance. I couldn't return. I paid another month or two worth of rent just to avoid going back and tying up those loose ends.

I lost friends over 10 years long because I was "too sad to be around"

I was angry

I was empty

Nothing felt good. Nothing tasted good. Nothing felt like anything except for his absence.

I would have sudden panic attacks and freak out in a totally quiet home. The only way I could curb these was to observe my cats and note that they were sleeping calmly and therefore there must be no immediate danger. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

I thought a lot about suicide. I thought it was unfair for my friends and family to expect me to live in the debilitating pain just so they didn't have to suffer losing me. I should exist in the pits of hell to spare them the very grief I was lost in. It seemed so unfair.

There was no hope. There was nothing to live for. I was a shell. I either felt nothing at all or extreme emotions - anger or grief. I said extreme things to people in the deepest depths and I cut ties wherever need be.

Grief was like poison inside of me. I had a toxicity in my thoughts and speech. I had a skewed perspective and no one had it as bad as me. No one could truly understand my loss and pain and the trauma of finding the person I loved most dead on the worst day of my life.

I went crazy sometimes. I had brief periods of psychosis. I would run out of my house in fear and hide in bushes blocks away. Fear of what? I don't really know. I felt trapped and I needed to go.

Grief is a shapeshifter and it never really leaves.

It doesn't get 'better' it just changes and morphes into different contortions. Maybe we get better at carrying the weight over time. I'm not sure.

It's been six years and three days. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the day of his viewing 6 years ago.

I still ache. I still get angry. I still love. I still yearn. I still have nightmares. I still feel cheated. Every so often, I still reach for him in the twilight of wake and sleep.

Nothing will ever fix it. Nothing will ever make it better. There's no remedy. No healing potion. No spell or ritual. Just ache. I will ache.

As I continue to live, I will only collect more grief and you will too.

Life is an endless collection of loss.

[imaradiocure]

When the day slows down and your blood is finally clear & clean of all the opiods and amphetamines, all you see, feel, think, and breathe has more weight than there use to be.

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If ocean waves were flames instead of water

The sea would be the embodiment of anger

Like grief is to waves of water

Drowning with each passing wave

In the stillness, you pant and wade

In ocean fire where waves are flames

The stillness is charred and seering pain

Engulfed in the flames, blinded in rage

With grief the waves cause unbearable pain

But not with anger, not in the flames

You can't feel the burns, only the rage

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“But some people can’t tell where it hurts. They can’t calm down. They can’t ever stop howling.”

— Margaret Atwood