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Jeff: what’s up everyone? How’s it going? Any luck finding a way to destroy me once and for all yet?

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Jeff: damn girl the power of love and friendship aren’t working :/ time to kill someone or whatever

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Toby: imagine using your free time to read a book

Liu: if you can’t read just say that

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Nina: why aren’t you a lesbian?

Jeff: well I’m a man and I have sexual and romantic feelings for other men that I actively pursue and I think I heard somewhere that that’s not very lesbian of me

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Liu: did you just kill a guy with an appetizer

Jeff: I don’t know maybe

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Jeff: *running towards Toby with open arms*

Toby: *moves out of the way*

Jeff: why’d you move away?

Toby: I thought you were gonna attack me

Jeff: I was gonna hug you

Toby: why would you hug me?

Jeff: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU?

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Creepypasta As Helluva Boss Season Two

Jeff: can we not talk about this now? Shes being a real b i t c h

Jane: the fuck did you just say

Jeff: well how was I supposed to know you can spell? I’ve never seen you read

Slenderman: I just think some small tweaks could make you more of a people person

Jeff: I AM a people person

Liu: if we can’t even hire a cheerful receptionist how will people trust us to massacre and mutilate their enemies?

Jeff: what kind of shit has Toby been spreading about me?

Jeff: I’ll fucking KILL YOU TOBY DONT YOU FUCKING TEST ME

Brian: I need to get out to my son. The babysitter will kill me if I don’t get back soon

Toby: secondly I don't know anyone of any sexuality who would enjoy this

Jeff, from the other room: ha there's dicks in the walls. oh that's fucking hilarious

Jeff: good to know we both have daddy issues, Tobes

Jeff: oh shit

Jeff: am I in danger right now?

Sally: you know what I’m craving? BURGERS

Ben: nooooo it’s too early for burgers you maniac

Sally: burger time burger time burger time

Jeff: today I learned that I hate going outside

Jeff: because relationships are boring

Toby: oh yes very boring

Toby: so what are you doing here then?

Jeff: I spent the entirety of this morning listening to love ballads

Jeff: and that was still the GAYEST THING IVE HEARD ALL DAY

Jeff: and then I’ll have something to show for it when the things I care about vanish

Liu: mmmmmkay

Jeff: I make everyone’s lives WORSE

Toby: not mine

Jeff: you’re tougher, smarter, and frankly more capable than anyone I’ve ever met

Jeff: and I’m more fuckable and business savvy than any bitch alive

Jeff: Liu’s perfect

Jeff: and Toby’s…

Jeff: probably got some good traits too and I’m sure we’ll figure them out eventually

Jeff: but since when is attempting a crime illegal, am I right?

Liu: ALWAYS

Liu: thank you, Jeff, for saving my life

Jeff: always

Lyra: rich people don’t have any fun do they?

Liu: no fun is free but we can afford nice things

Jeff: so I want each of you on the best behavior possible

Liu: uh you are literally the only one who needs to adhere to that

Jeff: and that’s the tension, Liu

Jeff: Lyra, punch him

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Toby: what should I get at iHop

Jeff: sucked dry

Tim: killed

Lyra: pancake combo

Toby: okay

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Jeff: catching feelings is bullshit. I’m just eating French fries why I gotta think about kissing you? Fuck you

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Creepypasta As Helluva Boss Season One

Jeff: oh sit on a dick, Tim

Tim: YOU SIT... sit on a... uh... DO YOUR JOB

Tim: WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE

Tim: they wanted us to kill an actual child?

Brian: that's what they're saying

Tim: well christ on a stick I guess there is a god

Jeff: your fire doesn’t really hurt us but I can fake it if that’ll get your dick hard

“I’ll just shoot you in your smart ass mouth”

Jeff: that would be more effective

Liu: JEFF

Tim: WHAT

Toby: THE

Tim: FUCK

Toby: DAD

Brian: language everyone

Liu: get in here we’re going to LooLoo Land

Toby: LooLoo Land?

Lyra: LooLoo Land!?

Liu: LooLoo Land!

Jeff: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Jeff: does anybody love you, Jane?

Jane: no but I’m really good with guns now

Jane: DANCE BITCH

Jeff: where is Toby?

Brian: he’s uh busy

Tim: being a fool

Jeff: what kind of fool?

Tim: the everything is now on fire kind

Jeff: 😐

Jeff: choke on a sandpaper cock

Brian, about Toby: WHERES MY BABY

Tim: yall don’t deserve to know my name

Jeff: oh so you’re stupid, i can work with stupid, Daddy likey dummy

Toby: I mean considering your approach thus far, you’ve had us tied here for what hours? And you haven’t even had us confirm what exactly we are

“what are you”

Toby: I’m a Taurus

Jeff: it is no prank bitch

Toby: heyyyy why do you sound like that

Jeff: because you my precious little bitch boy

Toby: stop it

Jeff: are tripping balls

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Nina: what are your pronouns

Jeff: why? What are you saying about me?

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Jeff: are you alive

Liu: don’t ask me personal shit like that

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*texting*

Toby: are those birds honking outside?

Brian: crows

Brian: a huge number of them over our house!!!

Toby: they are here to take me

Brian: no!!!!

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