inefatigableagent

[inefatigableagent]

it's amazing how badly i do as an adult. i don't have the energy to change my bedsheets, or eat three meals a day, or honestly take care of myself aside from showering and brushing my hair i guess. i also spend my paycheck buying drugs to numb my emotions

[inefatigableagent]

i genuinely don't know why i keep puking with bits of red i don't eat anything red

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hehe oh woooww I don't know what to have for dinner today hahaa maybe nails idk haha

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i keep forgetting i'm mentally ill and my little crushes turn into crippling anxiety hehe silly meeeee time to isolate long enough for everyone to forgey i even tried

[inefatigableagent]

i wish i had the balls to fuck1ng sh0ot myself in the head im exhausted i genuinely want to go back to the psych ward at least for a week I can't fucking eat because of how much anxiety i have i keep throwing up i keep having insomnia i feel like i'm decomposing and i still have to show up to work

[inefatigableagent]

life keeps fucking testing me and one day i'm not gonna remember """"everything will be fine in the end"""""" it fucking wont

[inefatigableagent]

i wish i could apologize to my mother for being a terrible son and a daughter she just couldn't understand without immediately crying. i hope she notices the way i look at her everytime i buy her food or watch her hair grow grey

[inefatigableagent]

haha yeah friday finally!! and then saturday :)) and sunday :)) and monday again :)) and on and on until i die i guess

[inefatigableagent]

Good morning faggots, dykes, and transsexuals

[inefatigableagent]

lunch break!! i puked my guts out this morning but there's no way i can call sick another day so i'm using my 1hr break to hyperventilate in a bathroom stall (somehow gets the nausea to calm down) so i can go outside and help gringos log in to their bank accounts. fuck me.

[inefatigableagent]

woke up puking red again

[inefatigableagent]

who says im boring just bc i have depression??? i know how to have fun!! c'mon lets mix my antidepressants with whiskey and see who d1es first

[inefatigableagent]

[inefatigableagent]

seems like i'm gonna be using this tumblr a lot more so here's a small introduction and TWs i hope? (more like me airing my dirty laundry but hey what are blogs for right)

★ this blog is gonna function as a diary for me.

i have three names, but you can call me jules:)

i'm a 19yo (soon to be 20) call center rep and work 11 hours 5 days a week which has absolutely killed all my hobbies and interests outside of drinking myself into a stupor everytime i can. i also smoke (both carts and nic) and spend most of my free time intoxicated so i don't have to listen to my own monologue.

i was diagnosed with BPD when i was 17, almost 18, but have been on and off with lexapro and quetapine since i was 15.

important lore is i had a really bad breakup mixed with paranoia about religion and the apocalypse, so i was admitted for a week in a psychiatric hospital. i talk a lot about this time and the people i met.

i mostly made this blog out of desperation to put my thoughts somewhere. i have little friends and the ones i have are my coworkers, so i won't be venting to them anytime soon lol.

have fun?

[inefatigableagent]

i often keep myself from doing things i know would make me happy, like ordering some kind of food or drink or giving myself a new piercing or clothes because i don't know how much longer i'll be able to enjoy it

i get restless and claustrophobic about life (if that's even a thing good god) so thinking about small pleasures only gets me worse. for what? i surely won't be showing these cool shoes or scars to any grandchildren, to any high school reunion friends, to any nieces, brothers, uncles, mothers, fathers. i constantly hope to be a blur in people's early life

[inefatigableagent]

said i miss you. say i miss you too?

[inefatigableagent]

i am so impossibly sad. so incredibly disappointed. recently i realized pain is so sofially awkward and that's why poems and songs and books about heartbreak exist. we don't like blood we like red we don't like crying we like comfort we don't like suffering we like the relief that comes afterwards. i have so much to give and so little will