inside-out-poems

[inside-out-poems]

A Letter to Myself

You often wrote about how one day you hope to be whole, To love yourself the way others have loved you, and maybe 10x more.

To find inner peace, self-love, confidence. To be where you are meant to be and accept it.

You’re there now. Well, not quite -  But almost.

You found your own happiness. You found your own struggle, too -  But some struggles are worth fighting.

The man you thought you loved, the one you thought made you whole, You see now that he chipped away small pieces of you, until there was almost nothing left.

But you took those pieces back. Armed with love from yourself and your family, blood or otherwise, you reclaimed yourself and stood your ground. You remembered that there is no love in the world worth losing yourself over.

You look in the mirror now, and smile, for you know the beauty you hold. And although your thighs wrinkle and stomach jiggles, you smile at what you see. 

Perhaps not every day, but every day that counts.

You persevere, you learn, you unlearn, and you grow. You succumb to knowing that you don’t know it all, and fight who you were taught to be.

You are not your mother. You are not your father. You are not the men who told you that you are “less than,” and you certainly don’t believe them.

No matter you who are, or who you become, you are confident in your knowledge, beauty, kindness, and power. 

You stand, tall and strong.

          S.C. 24 Jan 21

[inside-out-poems]

What’s going to happen? What’s going to happen when the month is up and my time has run out? When my grace period is over and I have to go back to reality.

Will I follow my goals? Will I seek this life I’ve been so passionate about, That I’ve pursued over the last three days?

Wow. Has it really only been three days? It feels like a life time. I’m not sure why.

Maybe its becasue the option is gone. Because you decided what was best, And I’m thankful for that.

But you’re like a drug. Maybe I don’t take you everyday, But I always come back.

I never understood other people who expressed the same sentiments to me. I never understood how hard it was to say no, To walk away with out glancing behind.

But after my time is up and the month is over, What will happen? Will I break so easily like I have in the past?

Will I vow to walk away, then crumble under the weight of missing you? Unravel at the burden of the balancing act I’m in? Or stand and smile as the gravity of wanting you makes my arms shake and my knees buckle.

It’s odd how the absense of someone can feel so much heavier than when they were there.

          S.C. 06 Feb 20

[inside-out-poems]

I listened to all your songs.

Spend hours sitting in silence listening so attentively to the words that you held so close to your heart to understand what changed.

What you love about those songs, what you loved about me, and where the faults lie.

This is a love I never knew before. Committing my time and heart to you, not that you’ll ever know or ever care. Passing my time understanding you because I want to.

This is not a love I’ve ever known before. This is what you said you did for me, and I didn’t understand why. This is what he said I should’ve done, what haunted me for years because I never felt I was loving right.

Maybe this is right now. Maybe this is obsessive. Maybe this is a lost cause.

Probably a lost cause, because I can listen to every song in the world and it won’t change that it’s the songs you hold close to your heart, and not me.

          S.C. 09 Nov 19

[inside-out-poems]

because when I see you, my heart still skips a beat. and I can feel the childish whimsy of love coming back again.

because when I hear your voice, it’s music to my ears. and I could listen for you talk for hours and hours.

because I still have your favourite quote memorized, and what if you want to hear it again?

because “sorry, my dear” is a song. because “my dear” was your name for me. because when I look into your eyes I can only imagine the spark that used to be there when you looked back at me and, with all the love in the world, called me yours.

because I can love myself with all the love in my heart, but will it ever compare to even an ounce of yours?

          S.C. 05 Nov 19

[inside-out-poems]

a text i’ll never send

Hey. I hope you’re happy. And I really mean it.

I freaked out a little (a lot?) and I’m sorry, not that you saw any of it. Not that I would show that side of me anymore, not to you at least. But I’m sorry. For all the bitter things I said, about you, about her. I’m sure she’s great. You have great taste, and your glowing personality makes it even better.

I’m sorry I was mad. I wasn’t mad, I was just sad. Like I am a little now. Maybe sad isn’t the right word, reminicent? I’m not mad at oyu, and I’m certainly not mad at her, but the idea, the very thought, of you looking at her, at you treating her like you treated me, I can barely handle. Because in those moments I was your everything, and you were mine. In those moments you were all I could imagine. In your own words, I knew I was in the right place because there was no other place I could imagine being. And I know I’ll find that somewhere else and you will to; maybe you already did. But those momens between us felt like the most amazing thing in the world, and the idea of you sharing those with someone else still breaks my heart. Because they really felt like they were just for us, forever. And you’re so amazing, I know you’ll recreate them falwlessly with her, and the one after that, and the one after her.

That’s okay. It’ll hurt less soon. But right now it hurts a lot. And it hurts the most because all I want for us is to be happy, together or not.

But I didn’t realize how hard seeing you happy would be.

          S.C. 14 Apr 19

[inside-out-poems]

I hope she makes you happy.

She might not be here yet, or maybe she is.

But I hope she makes you happy; the same way you were happy with me.

I hope you wish the same for me.

I hope one day we can cross paths and look each other in the eye and feel all the love in the world for each other.

The love you feel when you get a hug from a loved one.

The love you feel when someone believes in you.

The love you feel when you see an old friend.

And I hope we can look each other in the eye and say we’re happy for the other.

And mean it.

With all our hearts and more.

          S.C. 14 Apr 19

[inside-out-poems]

my emotions and I have a strange relationship.

as much as I ignore them they keep coming back, worse and worse, sometimes.

when I feel them, they’re unbelieveably strong, like I’m in a hurricane and have nothing to hold on to.

but the wind slows and the rain settles and it’s not quite a sunny day, but maybe I can hold myself up against the storm.

          S.C. 11 Mar 19

[inside-out-poems]

I want what I can’t have.

I spent hours dreaming about what it would be like to be alone, To take on the world myself.

But now I’m here, and I realize that independence is not prefaced with heartbreak, It’s prefaced with love and confidence.

And until I have those, I will keep lusting after what I want, but can’t have.

          S.C. 10 Feb 19

[inside-out-poems]

Stream of consciousness.

Fuck you. I take it back.

It was out of the blue. You broke my heart and I pretended to be okay with it. I pretended so well that I fooled myself too.

I said it was okay, that it was time. I told you I agreed, and we should go our separate ways. That I loved you, but that I understood.

Now I take it back. And I’m sorry.

Because I really did believe all those things. That is was time and that it would be okay. But I was wrong, and I would like to take it back.

You caught me blindsided.

We took our photo, an everlasting memory. Us staring into each other’s eyes, As if that moment would never end.

We planned for the future. Future adventures, future ideas, Always together.

You made my fears drop and my heart soar and then you took it away.

And because I didn’t want to be blindsided I said it was okay. I said it was time. And now I’m left hurting more than anything in the world, Because my pride kept me from grabbing you before you go.

I bet you’ve moved on. Accepted this is how we are now. I haven’t, but I hope I will. And I hope one day, how I felt when you said I was beautiful,

I hope to feel that way when I tell myself I’m beautiful.

Through confidence or loneliness, I will learn to love myself. Every bit as much as you did, and maybe more. To make up for the hole inside me, the one you left when you took my heart and disappeared.

          S.C. 10 Feb 19

[inside-out-poems]

Sometimes I wish life was easy. I wish I could float through my days,    never doubting my choices or my mind.

But I would rather grow strong through my adversities, Then succumb to a numb life.

          S.C. 16 Dec 18

[inside-out-poems]

My heart aches for you, even though you’re by my side.

I long for us, for how we used to be.

Although yours are the lips I kiss and the arms I fall into,

I can’t help but feeling that the love I’m looking for isn’t yours anymore.

          S.C. 15 Oct 18

[inside-out-poems]

I wonder if my thoughts get filtered when I write on paper. 

If the action of writing each letter forces my hands to slow and my brain to process. 

If the action of writing itself is just as therapeutic as getting the thoughts out. 

But as I write, I feel my thoughts focus, As I stare down at the letters looking back as me. 

I see it for what it is, and for more than it is. Scribbles on a page, but an entire person in the blue ink, should you be willing to look. 

          -S.C. 23 Sept 18

[inside-out-poems]

Now everything’s changed.

I got what I wanted, What I thought I needed.

What I scribbled on paper for hours about, Only to find that once it came I was underwhelmed.

I’m shaken to the core, to think maybe this life I’ve dreamed up for myself, Is not the life I’m meant to lead.

That what my brain has decided it best, is sensible, is the right move, Is not something my heart agrees with.

          -S.C. 21 Sept 18

[inside-out-poems]

I write and write and write, Feeling my troubled heart ease, Inching towards inner peace.

But there is one day, one lonesome night, Or just a troubled minute that shakes me to the core, So much so that I’m forced back to square one.

Back to writing and discovering and resolving.

Back to pushing back.

          S.C. 11 Jun 18

[inside-out-poems]

He wanted me, But you'll do anything to keep me. That's the difference between the two of you.

One, so surface, wanting nothing but physicality.  Sex, and quietness, and more sex.

The other, so deep, wanting to listen and to be heard. Wanting someone to share a heart with, not just a bed.

But my foolish mind told me passion was more important, That just because he said he needed me more, he meant it.

And now you’re gone,  Realizing that you can find the love you desire elsewhere, In an undistracted soul.

          S.C. 22 Nov 17

[inside-out-poems]

Seeing you was my nightmare. 

Not because of fear, or loneliness, or saudade.

But because one time I held love for you I didn’t know I had.

A love I never wanted to let go of. 

          S.C. 25 Apr 18

[inside-out-poems]

We were at different places, But slowly we converge.

Ignoring each other’s texts, Faking contentment to avoid pain.

We think it’s for the best, but we know Pride is a bitter lover.

          S.C. 24 Apr 18