introspectivereflectionz-blog

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Epsiode 2!!!!

After almost a year without a follow up episode, I have came back with an episode of the Put Dat Hot Shit On My Lap Podcast. This episode is Part 1 to a three part series on the Relisha Rudd case. For those who are unfamiliar with the case, Relisha Rudd was an 8 year old girl who went missing from homeless shelter in Washington, D.C. in 2014. After 4 years, the case has gone cold. There are no new tips or leads that can lead to the recovery of this little girl. If you have any information on the case, please call the Metropolitan Police Department Anonymous Tip Line at (202)727-9099.

Here is the link to the episode: https://soundcloud.com/pdhsimlpodcast/could-relisha-rudd-have-been-saved-part-1

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Diary Entry from 12/20/18

I didn’t lose all the weight. I also haven’t seen him since we broke up so I don’t know if he’s sorry or not. For what it’s worth; I don’t care. I have learned to love me a little bit better. I learned that I am not defined by my shortcomings. I am defined by the way I talk; the way I walk; the way I carry myself, and what I stand for. Once I’m finished with my first round of school, I’m going to get my own place and finally get over my anxieties and drive. I’m going to be better and I REFUSE to let some man be the keeper of my happiness. I AM THE KEEPER OF MY HAPPINESS!!!!

BUT, this confident and happy me can be very lonely. It would be easier to keep blindly falling for these guy’s bullshit even though I know that all that they want me for is sex. At least my weekends won’t be lonely. But once you’ve been through the ringer for so long, you start to see the bullshit. Laying down with those slick talking men now seems dirty and shameful because YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE MORE!!

I DESERVE MORE!!!!

I know that may mean denying my body sex and pleasure but if it means finding the right person who wants me for the right reasons and fixing myself, then goddammit I’ll do it. Tiana you are great; you are beautiful, and you are awesome. Somebody will be happy to have you and you’ll be happy to have you.

-Tiana Minter 2018

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Murphy’s Law for Writers

Anything that can go wrong, should go wrong.

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i hope this december generously pays you back for all you’ve done these past eleven months.

i hope this december generously pays you back for all the kindness you’ve given people even though you were in need of some yourself.

i hope this december generously pays you back for all the times you put others before yourself, even though you really shouldn’t have.

i hope this december generously pays you back for all the times you worked hard even though you wanted to quit.

i hope this december generously pays you back for all the times you made it through even when you didn’t think you could.

i hope this december generously pays you back for all the times you tried, even when you were filled with doubt.

i hope this december generously pays you back for being so amazing this year.

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Early Morning Sampler

Why do we do the things that we do? Why do we fall in love? Why do I fall in  love with people that I have no business being with? I can’t answer those questions or any other existential question for that matter. To have an existential crisis is to acknowledge one’s existence but what happens when you don’t even feel like you’re existing? That’s how I feel almost everyday when I have to see the one talk to other’s about his love life and the people he talk to when I used to be the girl he constantly messaged. I have to see him engage into deep conversations with others while our conversations are brief and to the point. Without his affection, I don’t exist. I am just a shell of someone named Tiana because seashells are inanimate objects. They’re not living things. They’re just there. They have no concept of living or no concept of existing.

Sometimes I wish I could backtrack to that day where he changed his mind about me. I can remember walking into the room disheveled with a scowl on my face. I could remember only getting an hour of sleep the night previous because my dreadful depressive thoughts came back. I can remember trying to reassure myself that everything was alright by joking around when clearly I was cracking at the seams. He didn’t see none of the behind the scenes. All he saw was me being an immature jerk and that’s when things changed. The messages stopped and the longing gazes became no more. I want the old thing back. I want OUR old thing back but, I no longer exist to him. I don’t exist to anybody.

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Late Nite Random 2

“Why are you like this?”

Unsuspecting victims ask

Poking

Prodding

Probing

For the answer to their invasive question

“Do they really want to know?”

I ask myself

Contemplating 

Analyzing 

Reasoning 

With the thought of loneliness

If I do finally answer their question

It’s so funny how they all seem to run away

 When my mask fades

They love the fallacious smile

But can’t seem to face the honest frown

I am not happy

I am only a shell waiting for it’s soul

My mannerisms are nothing but a mere performance

A replication of what I see in others who aren’t damaged

“Why am I like this?”

I am like this because of the 

Hurt

Pain 

Trauma

The soul crushing realization of innocence loss

I am like this because I am 

BROKEN

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The social power which arises through the co-operation of different individuals appears to these individuals not as their own united power but as an alien force existing outside them which they cannot control,.. How otherwise could property have had a history at all

Marx - The German Ideology 1845 (via dailymarx)

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Here’s Dusty, nearly 17 years old.

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I have so much love buried deep inside of me but not enough words.

Lukas W. // No words can express this love (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

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She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cozy bed, and to love and be loved in return.

Starra Neely Blade (via purplebuddhaquotes)

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Late Nite Random

Check phone

No reply

Put phone back down

Place head in hands

Ask myself

“What did I do wrong?”

Phone buzzes

Oh shit 

It may be him

Flip phone back over

It’s Yahoo again

No I don’t want to know the secret to a bigger penis

I want him

I need him to say I’m forgiven

I toss the phone on opposite end of bed

I lay down and try to forget

I try to force my eyes closed

But my phone buzzes again

Oh Shit

It may be him

“You want to fuck?”

A tinder match sends

No I don’t want to have meaningless sex

I want sex with him

I toss the phone again

I try to lay down and squeeze my eyes shut

Hoping that when I open them everything will be right again

Phone buzzes

It may be him

“You ok?”

Yes!

It’s him

I squeal in delight but when the smile fades

I don’t know what to say

Is he still mad?

Does he want me like he used to?

I put the phone back down

I lay down again and stare at the ceiling

And leave him on read

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healing

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this november we are healing from things we don’t talk about

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Gonna risk it

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People sleep on cats as pets due to their bad experiences but, this fluffy gal has given me nothing but happiness (and a lot of sass) 🐱❤️

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One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did take a look, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than feeling self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself, because I realized how much pain I would have had to be in to develop that sort of coping mechanism to begin with.

Marianne Williamson