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Tell-a-Tale Tuesday: Brought to you by JL Meicht

I once knew a young girl, a lot like myself. Who dwindled and dwaddled upon a great shelf. She was smart like I am and worked real hard too. But street smarts are something we have yet to accrue. So she stayed in our hometown, as I moved out fast. I never looked back, I was free at last. Except I DID look back from time to time, But just to realize Im not done with this climb, So I reach on up and I grab the last rung. I then gasp so fast that I choke on my tongue, I jump off life's ladder and look around quick. I realize I recognize why this girl is sick. Where here melds with there and our worlds start to collide We can't keep them apart, no matter how hard we tried For my heart lives where home was, while my mind is here because while today Im strong, my heart still has fear.

JL Meicht

These are my social media accounts associated with the page (JLMeicht)! Follow me and join in the fun!

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@jlmeicht Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jlmeicht/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jlmeicht/

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Me, Unlimited turned 9 today!

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Self Awareness Is Not Easy

Having a mental illness and being self-aware is the most uncomfortable feeling. You notice the small things and know what's coming but can't stop it. First, it's sleeping time away and not feeling like showering, then you become uninterested in things that usually bring you joy. I lose my appetite and start tossing and turning at night. High emotion and high reactivity lead to conflict and before you know it you're lashing out, crying at the drop of a hat, or saying things you'll regret. While being able to advocate for myself is helpful, there's no way to escape the lows. Everything feels so hard. People ask why are you depressed? Did something happen? Yes, something happened... my old thought cycles have come home for a visit. I'm just learning that anxiety is when you look too far into the future, depression is looking to the past, but happiness is found in the now! I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel; and that the fog will lift. But I hate this feeling of dread. The struggle is real, even if it is inside my head.

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Myself

I sit with her sometimes

but never long enough.

We think about our sorrows

more so when times get tough.

Shes the one who knows why

my friendships lack in number.

My anger is hard to swallow.

All that’s left of me is somber.

She knows my ins and outs,

the things that make me tick,

how I secretly feel about everything...

all the things that make me sick.

No judgment passes when I’m with her

as we sit here together crying

because when I match her energy,

we get what I need without realizing.

By Jessica Meicht

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Update After Surgery

As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2017 and then Endometriosis after spots were found during a tube removal surgery. After dealing with persistent pain and discomfort, I took the leap and scheduled a full hysterectomy for November 2021. This threw my body into forced menopause and caused my depression and anxiety symptoms to go haywire. If you had told me that after 10 years of successfully taking medications and supplements to calm mood swings, I would be right back here, taking different medleys of medications to, again calm mood swings, I would never have believed you!  If you had told me that I someday would even consider hormone replacement therapy, I'd have told you I will take no extra pills. On the upside though, if you had told me that after having had the surgery, I would no longer have the "I want a baby" complex, I would have called you a liar. I thought it was a deep-rooted part of me but I'm thinking somehow, I have grown into acceptance of the life I have! Instead of spending time fantasizing about the life, I thought I wanted, I've been working toward creating one that makes me feel fulfilled. It is an uncomfortable and messy process and I have little idea what I'm doing but I just keep following my intuition and the synchronicities keep rolling by. Today I celebrated my 5th year of witchcraft. Looking back on what I have overcome and achieved, I wonder how much was luck and how much was manifestation!!! I'm choosing my life from here on out!

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This morning I wept after I watched a TikTok saying the babies and thier birth mothers share a physical relationship that causes their heartbeats to synchronize when near each other. The hard truth about having a full hysterectomy scheduled at the beginning of November is that I will never have a biological child. 

Today has been hard to maneuver.

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Balance Along the Line

Ive walked to the edge and back

and back again to sit and think.

The end has never been this far away,

I thought Id end it in a blink.

I told myself its my way out,

and dance along that line alone.

The strength Ive gained from sitting there

is much like the confidence Ive sown.

Seeds in my garden I allowed to grow

planting weeds and hoping for a rose.

I realized to change the future,

I had to change the way my mind flows.

I needed to want to wake up.

I wanted to look forward to the day.

Looking to stay busy but avoiding monotony,

I hope to keep my thoughts at bay.

But once I learned to embrace the dark

and grab life for what is good.

I realized that being able to walk that line

was where the real world is understood.

Balance makes everything go round,

Knowing my dark side brings me strength

But being friends with both my sides

has finally brought me peace!

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Realization

I just realized a shift in my thinking, I no longer believe it is my wife and I are in this against the world. I have a wonderful support system built right in with my family! They support us! They love us! And thats all I need!

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50 posts!

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Who Am I

I am loyal to a fault.

I forgive again and again.

Sometimes I feel so capable 

then others, I feel insane.

A hopeless romantic- thrice jaded.

Living with my heart on my sleeve.

Ive learned to like alone time.

so its ok if you leave.

I lost a baby at a young age

so I cherish the one I raised.

My love is still resilient

and honestly I am amazed.

I stand for those who cannot speak.

I protect them with my fierce intellect.

I fight with words from the heart

Hear them now, I demand your respect.

Procrastination is the name of my game.

Checking tasks of my list with zest

I like adding tasks Ive already done

Under the pressure, I am the best!

Afternoons bring motivation.

Cold caffeine is my salvation.

Then productivity my fixation,

until the task is in completion.

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Today, I win!

I live happily and haphazardly, completing projects as I come across them... again but with the deliberate dedication only passion can supply. I feel deeply, cry deeply, smile deeply, and sigh deeply. My personality seems shallow or gentle even but it has taken me all my life to be this way. I rage inside sometimes but can calm my breath and face the challenge! I am not my diagnosis!

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I Remember!

These days I spend mostly happy and with eyes wide open. I have faced my expectations for myself and have forgiven my shortcomings. Ive admitted when I'm was the toxic one. Then I forgave myself some more! I have forgiven those around me and have done my best to live in the present. I hand out forgiveness like its going out of style! I still love deeply and care too much. I still have bad days, but I am looking forward to whatever life has to bring. I'd rather feel it all then miss a moment!

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Me, Unlimited turned 6 today!

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Our Only, but I'm Not Ready

I never knew that not being able to have kids could be as hard as having them.

I never knew I would long this hard for 10 tiny toes and fingers

               For messy diapers, faces and hands

               For boo boos and oopsies

               The walks in the park with a stroller

               Carrying all the things everywhere you go

I long for the night terrors and comfort sessions when shed wake in the night

               For switching from bottle to sippy

               All the firsts… I want them again.

I guess I just didn’t think she would be our only!

And I definitely don’t want her to end up alone- at least I have my siblings!

But in the end, she is my miracle, she was everything in me that I had hidden from the world. My need to be a Mother, my need to be a caregiver and my need to change my family’s patterns. 

I think I long more for the feeling of being needed.

She uses the bathroom all by herself, brushes her own hair and can make her own breakfast.

I guess I just know that there will a be day when she leaves home and I’m already stressing the empty nest!

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It is that time of year again...

As the cold sets in so has my depression. 3-4 hour naps every day do not leave much room for productivity. I feel like shit, I look like shit, I’m acting like shit and eating like shit! The answer? I’m going to talk to my psychologist next week about medication again. I need a boost!

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I Wish I Woulda

“They won't match any of your clothes,” I said sternly to our bright 5-year-old daughter as she threw a small fit in the shoe aisle at Walmart. She wants the Ninja Turtle shoes. I thought I was being realistic and wanted something that she could wear with most of her outfits. But now I regret curbing her need for the Turtles shoes. I should have not questioned her. I always say she can dress any way she likes and she wears plenty of sporty and boy aisle type clothes. Now the guilt wraps around my throat as she talks about the shoes she wanted as I put on the baby blue character shoes we ended up with. Why did I do that? I won't do it again!

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Me, Unlimited turned 3 today!