joellesolo

[joellesolo]

Mermay 2024

[joellesolo]

tw: death

Today would be Gabe's thirty eighth birthday. Friday, he'll have been gone twenty six years.

If you've been around for a bit, you'll know I've always struggled with this time of year... throw in Jill's death a couple of weeks ago, and Michael leaving for a work trip at five am this morning, so, I knew it wasn't going to be a good week.

I did not, however, figure into the mix getting a phone call a few hours ago that my aunt (my mom's younger sister) is brain dead. That was way out of left field.

Struggling with two young children who miss their dad and are rebelling with a grieving mom who can't keep it together is really not, not fun. You'd think I'd be grateful it's bed time, except the normal bed time routine takes roughly an hour and a half (sometimes longer) and I just... don't have that in me right now.

Oh, did I mention my endo is flaring? send help.

[joellesolo]

tw: death

I found out a couple hours ago a close family friend died in a house fire. She happened to be an amazing singer/songwriter.

She was instrumental in helping me get through my brother's accident/death and the trauma that followed, when she stayed at our house for a month the following year. She taught me to play the guitar and we would make up the silliest songs, and play her songs, and... I'm just absolutely devastated. I got the text from my uncle and just collapsed. The girls have never seen me lose it like that. I'm just... I don't even know how to put it into words, this gaping hole in my heart.

Rest in peace, Jill. You will be so missed. Thank you for everything you did for that eight year old girl twenty five years ago, and ever since.

[joellesolo]

Thanks for the love and thoughts you guys. We just got Lil home a little bit ago. She's in good spirits and feeling a bit better, and we've got an action plan. I appreciate you all ❤️

[joellesolo]

Nothing like the first time your child has to stay overnight in the hospital and you can't stay with her because of your own health issues so you return home to an empty house, all wrapped up in your fears and worries and wow, if I could just stop crying wouldn't that be great...

[joellesolo]

My original idea was Mucha inspired but it evolved!

[joellesolo]

Onyx Storm spoilers

Ridoc: Well, hello Cygnisen. Have you been properly welcomed to Basgiath yet? Flier: I don't do second-years. Ridoc: Good thing I fuck like a third.

[joellesolo]

Thanks for tagging me @merhasstellyrhas

last song: Death Grip - Something Corporate, Andew McMahon in the Wilderness.

favorite color: purple.

last book: Onyx Storm - Rebecca Yarros (goddamn!!).

last show: shit... can't remember the last time I watched anything... maybe when Bridgerton came out last summer? that must have been it.

sweet/spicy/savory: definitely sweet, all the way.

last thing i googled: reel in a fish/rail in a fish (I'd never heard the latter and was about to ROAST my friend for an autocorrect fail on a Henry Cavill meme... it turned out to be hilariously dirty both ways 😂).

current obsessions: romantasy books (read one hundred and seventy last year!) and pop punk/emo music, I guess? my dog? researching my mental health issues, fuck, idk...

looking forward to: short term, going to starbucks tomorrow; long term, hopefully going to emo night tour in february!

tagging: @monkeymeghan, @chrenada

[joellesolo]

Onyx Storm spoilers

Xaden: Yes, the table is broken. Now, what do you need? Ridoc: You two totally broke it, didn't you? Like that armoire no one was supposed to notice getting hauled out of her room during first year? Mira: The what?

[joellesolo]

This is Will (short for William). I rescued her (yes, HER, fight me) when she was roughly six weeks old and I was living on my own when I was in high school. She got me through some very, very hard times. She's currently seventeen years old. She's been living with my mom for the last eight years, but, I still love her so, so much and... well, it's her time and... yeah. I'm not handling it well, basically. I'm still very much unwell and... it just sucks??

Idk. What an update, right?

Kitties don’t belong in the piano o.O #william

[joellesolo]

Oh, yay, another freak out!

I am having a really hard time getting myself to eat 350 calories at dinner for the latuda to take full effect (and it's only day three 😭) and tonight it was just like, fuck it, let's order pizza and garlic twists, I like that, it's easy, it's been so shitty these last few weeks and we literally have to do NOTHING except tap a few buttons to order it?!

So, I eat a garlic twist (and, FUCK, instant regret, because they are hard as HELL and my mouth is in SO MUCH PAIN from the jaw-clenching for over two weeks straight, so I just gently chewed while crying and it took like, five minutes), and then moved on to my feta and chicken pizza, which is normally my favorite kind of pizza, and took one bite, and... nearly threw it back up instantly. It was instant repulsion. I have NO idea why, if the cheese was bad or if it's just me, but... yeah, I instantly started crying again and panicking, because ALL I needed to do was eat a piece of pizza and a garlic twist and I would've been set for the latuda, and then I JUST COULDN'T FUCKING DO IT, AGAIN 😫

And Michael's attempting to comfort me, "oh just do your best, it's okay if you can't eat all of it," and I'm just like, UH NO IT'S FUCKING NOT, THE MEDICATION LITERALLY WON'T WORK, WHY ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THIS?! (because we've been going over this over and over again for the last three days straight) and it's just soo goddamn frustrating, like, FUCK, no one is fucking LISTENING TO THE WORDS I AM SAYING!!!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! 🤯 (I should add, it's not just him; it's literally EVERYONE IN MY LIFE, my parents, the girls, majority of my friends, like, it's just fucking baffling at this point??! No one will listen to me because I'm a "crazy person," apparently?!?)

So I'm sobbing, and now grossed out because of the disgusting fucking pizza, and I just grab another stupid garlic twist (which is even somehow HARDER at this point because it's cold by now, RIP my sensitive mouth 😭), and chew super slowly on it, getting more nauseated with every bite. And I finish, and I'm like, okay, how many calories was that?!, and he's like, that's probably about 250, that's good, don't worry about it, and I'm just like, 😒 NO IT IS NOT!, so he gets me some pink lemonade and is like, okay this is probably another hundred? and hands me the lithium and latuda and I chug it and take the meds.

Okay, so, this is where the post actually starts. That was the backstory, wow, fuck me 😭

I head upstairs to do my 'evening routine,' which is just the only time of day I get alone time, and consists of: flossing, computer time (ie, checking tumblr for like, not even seven minutes), and then journaling (which used to be silk & sonder but fuck them and their money hungry founder) and is now more like plannering I guess? (Anyway, guess which step I'm still stuck on 😳 it's been an HOUR since I came upstairs and I'm still on the computer, for the following reason...)

But I'm sooo nauseous at this point, and it takes me forever to floss because I have to keep pausing to breathe and close my eyes, and then I text Michael to ask, "hey, do you think I can take some zofran" (which I have been prescribed for years) "or would that not even help because this nausea is from overeating?? can't google because staring at the phone is making it so much worse 😭" and, typically, he didn't reply.

(Okay, so, in his defense, I've been... well, insane lately, so, he's fed up with me... but, in my defense, I feel like this constitutes an emergency, and it would've been nice had he at least checked his phone and could've given me a response, at least, or even come upstairs?! Whatever...)

So I just keep breathing, and make my way to my bed slowly, and pull out my computer and open tumblr, and before I start catching up on the dash, I'm like, okay fuck it, I'm going to puke, let me see if zofran helps when you overeat or not?!

... and, google was not helpful. And I'm at the point where it's like... what do I have to lose, right? I can take it, and it'll help, or I take it, and it WON'T help, but... it's not like it'll make everything worse, at least? I SPECIFICALLY asked my psych about if I was about to take BOTH new meds, with zofran because it's one of my as needed meds on an occasional basis, and he said, oh yeah that's fine, there's no interaction.

But, you know, I'm a worrier! That's what I do! So, you know, I figure may as double check, right?! And, well, it's a good thing I did, because:

...

LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! A RARE BUT POTENTIALLY LIFE-THREATENING CONDITION?!

Then maybe don't tell me it's okay to take with lithium?!?!?!

And, anyway, so I freaked out about that, that he fucking said it was a-okay to take, and DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING CHECK!!! and now I'm like, what else is interacting with all my different meds?!?!? and I immediately opened a text post to vent and scream into the void because no one in my life will put up with me anymore and... fuck. It's literally been FORTY FIVE MINUTES since I started, and I am SO far behind in my routine now 😭

Goddamn. Shit just keeps getting worse and worse. Can I get a fucking break yet?!

Oh, also, yes, I am STILL super nauseated. And, I can't even do anything about it. But, at least I haven't thrown up all over my computer, so, silver linings, I guess?? 😭

[joellesolo]

My apologies for my freak out post yesterday.

Apparently that site and the knowledge that our PII is public knowledge on the internet for just anyone to google, any time, at their leisure, is commonly known, to pretty much everyone but me??

My family and husband made me feel pretty shitty about it, which, you know, I was REALLY freaking out about finding out about it, so, that was just, so nice! Truly!!

But one of my best friends talked me down and through it, and we came up with a game plan, and I also took my info down off the site, because, fuck that?? I did not consent to all that info up there, I do NOT want people knowing where I live?! Not alright with me at all... ugh...

But supposedly they are able to just, put it back up whenever they want, which, again, should be fucking ILLEGAL, so, I'll just be checking it every so often I guess and removing it when they do 😒

Anyway. As you can see, the lithium and latuda have NOT started working, unfortunately... so, that's a bummer. Yeah, I know, it's supposed to take five days, at minimum, but, can't a girl hope for a miracle after feeling so crappy for so long 😭 yesterday was the worst day yet 😫

I'll just hang in there, and keep on trucking, the way I always do... because what are my other options? Oh, wait, that's right. There are none. Bummer.

Okay, enough of this pity party. I have an empty house (not EVEN going to go into that bullshit 😡) and a snuggly dog to cuddle with, so I'm wrapping this up.

Again, sorry for live blogging my panic yesterday... Was attempting to come up with something witty, like, a silly metaphor for going out of my mind, but, can't come up with literally anything at all, so... bye?

[joellesolo]

So this past weekend, I listed this vintage school desk we've had for over five years on marketplace finally (it's a really long story; basically, I told my mom, do not give it to Peanut, we don't have room for it, we don't want it, she's never going to use it, don't you dare bring it over... guess what she gave Pea for her second birthday 🙃 anyway. Pea is seven, now. So, it's been over five years and this stupid fucking enormous desk has just been taking up space in the guest room, which then turned into Michael's office, and then eventually became Lily's room, annnnd here we are today...)

I am most likely not going to get my asking price of $200 (even though they go for $400-$700 in other cities), like, whatever, I'd be happy if someone offered me half of that, and just fucking took it off my hands at this point, I just want it GONE, thank you?!

(Oh, also, important to note! Please keep in mind: been SUUPER fucking manic for two weeks, med changes and shit, and then unmedicated since Monday; just, you know, VERY unstable and crazy and out of my mind, it's probably contributing to the pure rage I feel right now, just, an general fyi!)

Anyway! On Thursday morning, I get a message through marketplace and... well, uh, I don't really have words, so, here you go!

Uh... really, Justin? ARE you sorry to bother me? Because... it feels like IF you didn't want to bother me, you could have simply... not sent the message?

Like, damn, bro! So, obviously I get instantly enraged. Because who does this? Why is this okay? This guy is sending a literal STRANGER a message through FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE, of all fucking places, and he KNOWS it's inappropriate so he's trying to soften it?!

Also, I have my facebook privacy settings so if you aren't my friends, pretty much the only things you are able to see are my profile picture (if you go the my "my face" tag on my tumblr, it's my most recent post), my cover picture (a picture of the girls from a couple Valentine's Day's ago), and that I'm married to Michael. So if he attempted to look through my profile (which... probably 😒) he KNOWS I'm married. With children. And still sent this message anyway?!

But let's give him the benefit of the doubt? Even IF he didn't look at my profile, and DIDN'T KNOW I was married with kids, like... why would he think this was an okay thing to send to someone just trying to sell a fucking children's desk?!

... okay, I just typed that out and realized I take back the benefit of the doubt; he must know I have kids, because I am fucking selling a goddamn kid's school desk 😒 (yeah okay sure MAYBE I could be some vintage furniture collector but, I'm not buying that...)

Anyway. That was Thursday. I was super pissed, and raged about it to friends and family, and then because of my severe mental health crises, more or less forgot about it, and, yeah. Here we are now. Saturday.

So, JUST IMAGINE MY SURPRISE, when my phone goes *ding* and I pick it up thinking it's a mom friend or something, and instead I see the following:

... okay, like, I thought I was pissed the first time?!

Ha. Uh, ha, no? WHY DID HE THINK MY SILENCE WAS AN INVITATION TO SEND ANOTHER MESSAGE?! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK??!

I have no doubt this is one of those "your body, my choice" fuckers. NO DOUBT AT ALL. This is absolutely what the people chose. They have been emboldened one hundred percent. It's absolutely just... ugh.

I told my friends, and they're all like, wtf 😡🤢🤬 I told my family, and I get, "well Joelle, why didn't you just block him!!"

... yes. Because this is somehow all my fault? I totally asked for these unwelcome messages in the first place by posting the desk, like, oh wow, how dare I?!

🤦🏽‍♀️

No, stfu, get out of here 😒 My next step is figuring out how to report him to facebook, obviously, so he doesn't send me any other goddamn messages. Because I feel like they would just get worse?

BUT. He's going to know it was me! Unless he happens to be sending messages to women selling stuff all over Reno? Because I will just not show up in his messenger any more... but he has my name? He can just try to google me and find me?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I JUST GOOGLED MY OWN NAME AND THERE'S A GODDAMN WEBSITE AND IT LITERALLY HAS MY FULL FUCKING HOME ADDRESS ON THERE, SEVERAL PREVIOUS ADDRESSES, SEVERAL PREVIOUS PHONE NUMBERS, AND MOST OF MY GODDAMN RELATIVES, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS TRUE PEOPLE SEARCH AND HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET ALL THIS PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME?!!?!!?

okay well this is a fucking great turn of events now i'm scared to report him because what if he fucking GOOGLES ME AND COMES TO MY HOME AND TRIES TO HARM ME OR MY DAUGHTERS FUCK THIS

AHHH JESUS

sorry for having a goddamn literal freak out midpost

but FUCK TRUE PEOPLE SEARCH WOW

guess i need to figure out how to get all my information removed off there FIRST and then report the creepy fucker on marketplace?!!??! so much for resting today.... wow 😭😭😭

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT

[joellesolo]

"We’ll put that in your biography. General Antilles was so good he couldn’t fail when he tried to." - (Tycho Celchu, Rebel Dream.)

Them: Who’s your favourite Star Wars character?

Me: (Pulls out 10 X-Wing Star Wars legends books) So his name is Wedge & he’s just a lad who wants to run his squadron in peace & no one he hangs out with is sane

[joellesolo]

Okay, well, I guess my appointment went as well as it could? I'm going to start lithium and latuda tonight after dinner, and, we'll see how they go? Wish me luck?

Lithium is brand new to me. I actually was not aware it was a bipolar medication until last night when I stumbled across a reddit post doing some meds research frantically (and google calling it the "gold standard treatment for bipolar," the "best mood stabilizer for mania," the "first drug of choice" for mania," etc. was also surprising) because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder nearly fifteen years ago and I have never had a psychiatrist say, hey, let's try lithium! I just assumed (wrongly) it was an antidepressant or something else, that wasn't meant for me... but, yeah. There we go?

And, latuda, I was actually on for several years, and for the last couple of days I was going NUTS (well, you know what I mean) trying to figure out why I had stopped taking it in the first place, because I remember being stable and happy (or, as happy as I get, anyway) for a LONG time; did my insurance stop covering it? Did I develop weird side effects? Was that when we got married and started trying for Peanut and you can't get pregnant on it? I couldn't remember and, it was super fucking frustrating.

Luckily for me, my psychiatrist takes good notes, so when I asked, he immediately pulled it up and goes, "let's see, latuda... oh, yeah! You developed oculogyric crises so we had to stop it," and it was like, OH DUH. Instant recall. But I was apparently on the highest dose when that started happening, so, we're just going to take it slow and low, and... I'm just crossing my fingers and realllly hoping it doesn't start again because those crises were really fucking miserable 😭

But you know what else is miserable? A WEEKS LONG MANIC EPISODE WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'LL NEVER CALM DOWN AGAIN 😫🥴😭

(Fuck, I just wanted to write a QUICK UPDATE and then fucking lie down and this has already taken SIXTEEN FUCKING MINUTES SO FAR because I keep getting distracted and opening new tabs 😭😭😭)

The worst part is that although the lithium is supposedly 'fast-acting,' it doesn't kick in for five. fucking. days.

So I get to continue feeling like this for another five. FUCKING. DAYS.

IT'S ALREADY BEEN THIRTEEN DAYS OF THIS SHIT. COME ONNNN 😣

Alright, I'm going to lie down. Attempt to, anyway... I know no resting will be happening, but hopefully I'll be horizontal while I'm on my phone??

Oh, and, if anyone has any meal ideas for me, I have to take the latuda with 350 calories every night (I forgot about that part til I googled it and I'm on several meds that suppress my appetite so it's going to be super tough), I would appreciate any input! Michael is the cook of the family, because of my chronic fatigue, and my diet is, well... I'm lactose intolerant, and on a no/low-residue diet because of the Crohn's (meaning not a lot of fiber allowed (no fruits or vegetables for me)), so, I usually just have either nothing for dinner, or a grilled tuna or turkey sandwich or some soup, or just pastaroni (which, yes, contains dairy, I know, I pay for it); idk, dinners are hard for us because the girls are such picky eaters.... we used to meal plan and make actual dinners and stuff but the last year we've been not doing well at all just in general so now it's just nutella or tuna sandwiches or dino buddies or pastaroni or ramen. (Yeah. I know. Please don't judge us, we are literally doing our best 😭)

Fuck. It's been another ten minutes just for the rest of that. OKAY I'M GOING TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND LIE DOWN, I SWEAR! (now watch me type up like, ten minutes worth of tags... ugghhhh 😫)

[joellesolo]

I am losing my mind... not doing well at all...

I don't know if I can last til Friday's appointment. But... I don't have any other options...?

This is the worst manic episode in years (that I can recall).

I asked Michael, and he said this is the worst he's ever seen me, hands down, no contest (and we met nearly fifteen years ago).

I don't know. What's the point of this post? Who knows? I'm hanging on by a thread, I guess. Send help, or good vibes, I could use them...

Oh also! My endo flared up Sunday night, five days before it was supposed to, and I can't take anything for it, including ibuprofen, until all these other meds are cleared out of my system, so that's fun for me!!

(heavy sarcasm. it's not fun. i'm in excruciating pain. this is the fucking worst.)