justshivosthoughts

[justshivosthoughts]

Well life in a pandemic is something isn’t it. How on earth do the days fly by so quickly and yet time seems to dragging on and on. What do i miss the most about life before, well it’s got to be the ability to say yes. The last minute yes, the plans for things in the future and following through. Yes. The freedom of a Yes. Think about it... everything right now is no. Add Brexit to the mix and what a recipe for disaster but maybe a food related analogy isn’t in best taste. But wait... there’s more. The internet has truly taken over and lord help us if we’re not in one way or another staring at a screen? Yeah. But what’s worse are the things that people are looking at.. the fake things. The control of what we see online and the way people make decisions, astonishing. Whether that’s breaking into the Capitol building or choosing not to save your own life and potentially others with the vaccine. 

Can someone explain to me how we managed to land in an apocalypse, that no one planned for. We’ve all been watching and waiting for zombies, but not even the govt. planned for a virus like this. How on earth is it mutating and spreading so fast - how do we get it to stop... the golden question. This’ll be one for the history books and the script of the next best Hollywood movie 

I feel for everyone missing out on important things in their lives, whether it’s going clubbing at university or celebrating your birthday. Just doing things for fun, or having the freedom to be close to people. Or those moments with those you love and miss. We’ll look back at this time and ask, what were you doing when COVID hit and the reaction... well it’ll be one shared across millions, if not billions. 

I can’t help but wonder what life would be like after we beat this virus, the way interactions may change and the impact on the mental health of generations. The genuine trauma, loneliness, fights, and struggles. The impact this has had... well time is still yet to tell. 

Living through today, hoping tomorrow we’ll call it history.  

To answer the golden question, well ain’t that the mystery. 

Stay safe. x

01 Feb 2021 

P.s. February 2021 is the perfect month, check it on the calendar. There’s something great about that no? - Stay positive, test negative k? 

[justshivosthoughts]

Madness

As the world quickly slips into madness and as everyone keeps themselves locked, staying safe at home, it’s easy enough to get lost in thoughts. I find distracting myself and thinking positive helpful. I’ve also come to terms with a lot of things i’ve been struggling with. Some easier to get over, whilst others far more difficult. 

The funny thing is, I have no one else to thank but myself. 

No one else to thank but myself.

It’s strange even typing it, hence typing it twice. But damn it’s true. Every step of the battle was and is - me, myself and I...but it’s worked. I find the strength and positivity in myself, learning to love and start to actually value myself. That was hard to write, that last word... Value. 

Value is a funny one right, the worth of something... money, health, family, friends, love, time, distance & life. A lot of things people valued have changed over the last month or so, a lot things people never valued suddenly became the only thing they wanted or prioritised. Madness. 

Never before have we been in a situation which affected every living being on this earth. Here we are. In the midst of the peak, watching the world go by from the safety of our homes. Whilst there are those putting their lives at risk everyday, doctors & healthcare workers, those who still work their shifts to stock the shelves, those who are volunteering and going that extra mile to help (to name a few). 

To those people, thank you. Stay strong, stay safe and tell the people who you value, how much they’re worth to you. Whilst the world and it’s people fight against COVID-19, I’ll continue to fight the madness inside and outside. I hope you all do too. 

Stay Safe, Peace x 

02Apr20

[justshivosthoughts]

‘Cause baby you look happier, you do.

My friends told me one day i’ll feel it too

And until then, i’ll smile and hide the truth

But I know I was happier with you.

[justshivosthoughts]

If your absence doesn't bother them, your presence never mattered to them

instagram

[justshivosthoughts]

Worth

I’m in the lowest place i’ve been in a long time. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop being sad. I feel worthless. I fucking wish I was kidding. 

I kinda get why people think bad things when they’re in this place. 

Mental health is not a joke. 

You know whats funny though, I finally knew what I wanted. I was going to say it. I was too late. 

When you have the chance to make it right. Make it right. Don’t overthink. 

But I overthink. Plain and Simple. My anxiety is crippling, i’m tired, so tired of being me. 

Peace. x

[justshivosthoughts]

Evaluation

26.Single.Indian. Bi 

That last bit is the problem. Those two letters are hanging over me. I don’t often cry. Truly, i don’t. 

I read something today.I haven’t eaten, I haven’t moved. I feel numb. 

And you know what, i probably deserve everything. 

Oh it was my birthday recently, isn’t that fun. 

Hope ya’ll are better than my mental state. Peace out. x 

[justshivosthoughts]

M4 Accident

So first things first, i’m fine, the accident yesterday didn’t involve me or my car and the person involved in the accident is okay-ish. 

So to give a little background... Friday afternoon after being in my new work place (yes, i’ve changed jobs - started 25th March 2019.. unreal right?!). I was invited to someone’s leaving drinks and although I was slightly hesitant, i just thought to myself, fuck it. Sometimes in these situations it’s turning up and showing that you are willing to make an effort and be part of the team that counts. Although it wasn’t what i usually expect at work drinks (and by drinks i mean singular pint of beer) it was pretty nice and I got to connect a little more with people who I work with. So boom +5 points. 

I managed to leave around 7:45 and started making my way towards my friends place, which was meant to be a short 37 mins journey straight down the M4. I was in the fast lane and about 10-15 mins into the drive when the car in front of me broke really really hard. If you’re a driver, you know that in the fast lane people are doing 70+ mph on the motorway, so to stop that quickly with cars behind can be massively dangerous. I saw a whole lot of smoke in front of me and I stopped the car as quickly as possible. The car in front who had stopped just moved into the middle lane and then the slow lane and carried on, then I saw it. There was a small white Citroen car that had its left back wheel completely ripped off and mangled and the car was facing the hard shoulder (on the left) blocking both the fast and middle lane. I stopped my car behind a van that was in the fast lane, put my hazards on and ran out to help. 

At this point I wasn’t thinking straight, all I cared about was getting to the person(s) in the car and trying to help in any way possible. It was a young guy (i learnt that he was 22 and his name was Naek) who had crashed his car. He was trying to avoid a car in the middle lane that had swerved and ended up hitting the barrier on the right and the car went spinning. There were 2 other men who were at the scene with me, one very tall big guy called Andras (from Hungary) and another man who had seen it happen. We were talking to the guy and trying to understand if he was okay, where he had hurt himself and trying to keep him calm. I called 999. That’s the first time i’ve ever called 999 on purpose. “Fire, Police or Ambulance” - All of the above please. After trying to figure out where we were on the motorway (markings and numbers on bridges and posts) and getting details about the guy, injuries and car model, they cut the phone on me after saying that they’d send everyone out ASAP. Naek told us that he was on his way to the gym, that he had moved just so he could be closer. It wasn’t the time to be thinking about the gym... we moved past that subject very quickly. He still had his apple earpods in, i asked him to take them out and put them on one side, he was in so much pain that he couldn’t put them in his pocket, so i moved them onto the passenger seat. He had given me his ID so i popped it back into his wallet on the passenger seat too. 

I’ve never felt time pass so slowly, standing in the middle of the M4 motorway watching the traffic pile up as some angry people tried to continue with their journey on the fast lane. It felt like a lifetime before anyone came. During this time a Junior doctor parked up behind the crash in the fast lane and came over to help. She did some medical checks and kept the guy talking to make sure he was okay. I had a brainwave... water... he needed to have water to keep him hydrated otherwise he could easily go into shock. I ran back to the car and pulled out a bottle of water that i always keep stocked and ran back to him and asked him to drink. He had hurt his back very badly from the whiplash, he couldn’t move his left leg and he had hit his head three times whilst spinning. Andras who was a mechanic noticed that the way he had stopped the car with the handbrake was the reason why he had spun and the whole car was written off. 

We continued to keep him sat and talking, trying our best to make sure that he didn’t move. Then the police turned up, i’m not joking this felt like a lifetime, in real time it must have been around 25 mins. The officers came and asked questions and took some statements. They were helpful with the traffic and cornered off the accident with cones and their cars (also blocked my car which was still stranded with hazards on in the fast lane). One officer asked me to open his driver door more, but because of the damage to the car it wouldn’t open any further. At this point Andras looked at the policeman and said, are you sure, the police officer answered yes. Within a second this 6′7ft man pushed his entire body weight against the car and ripped the door off. How can a surreal moment become more surreal... just like that. 

Another lady stopped her car and came to ask how he was, she was a Sikh lady who was also a GP and her and the Jr Dr conversed about how he was and things they’d checked. At that point I realised that it was Ramadan, i’m not sure what helped me clock it, but i asked him if he was fasting. He was. The situation just got a lot more serious, after an accident like that and him being weak as is, but also with no food or water, we couldn’t let him pass out. 

I refilled the water bottle with my second lot of water from my bag and came running back with some paracetamol to help. He took 2 tablets (500mg) and i urged him to drink more water. I asked him if he had anyone who he needed to tell about the accident, like family or friends. He pulled out his phone and said the only way his friends would know is if I took a video for him. I refused at first because facebook live doesn’t seem like the best way to let someone know you’re hurt. But he insisted so much that i couldn’t refuse him, i had seen his immigration card and knew that his circumstances were different and that perhaps he was asking for a reason. I complied and went around his car, in hindsight, it was probably helpful for his insurance, as well as his friend to know that he was alive. 

The police officer had asked me a few times whilst we were stood on the motorway as to whether i was with the guy. I explained that i wasn’t and that i was only there to help. Thinking a bit more about it, i understand why i was asked that question so many times. He was brown. As am I. It’s funny even in times like this, those kind of questions get asked... 

After an hour or so of being out on the motorway and it being just me and the Jr Dr and two police officers waiting for the ambulance, the police asked me to move my car for the fire brigade and ambulance. Essentially they needed me to leave but to keep the Jr Dr (which makes sense as she was holding his head back). I didn’t want to leave without reassuring Naek that everything was going to be okay. I took his hand and told him just that, I told him that Allah was watching him and by god’s grace he is still alive. The worst was done with and he was going to get the help he needed. He held my hand back, looked me in the eye and said thank you. I wish i could have stayed until the ambulance came, but the police officers knew what they were doing, so i followed their lead. I also went around to the other side and spoke to the Jr Dr, I thanked her for all her help and for stopping. Naek asked me before i left to give him my number, I agreed because i wanted to ask him later if he was okay. 

During my goodbyes the police woman started shouting that i needed to go ASAP as she was going to hold the traffic in the slow lane for me. So I hopped back into my car and in all the stress and confusion, for a split second I forgot how to drive, but it was literally for a second. I released the clutch and got out of there as i heard the sirens of the fire engines coming closer. 

I learnt something about people yesterday, people will watch, people will film and people don’t give a shit. The amount of cars that went by straight after the accident was unreal, people who just didn’t care. Their phones were hanging out of the window trying to film the accident, it was disgusting. But on the flip-side, i learnt that there are good people. The unsung heroes who stopped or wanted to stop, the people who were stood with me in the middle of the M4 trying to help a complete stranger. It gave me a little hope, that if something bad were to happen to me, for every 100 people who drove by, there might be at least 1 who would be willing to help. Humanity and kindness really is a gift and I really do believe in what goes around comes around. To the people who were screaming at us for blocking the motorway, I hope that you will look back at your behaviour and try and improve yourselves, because accidents happen and if you can’t be helpful don’t be a dick. 

UPDATE ---- 

I texted Naek to check how he was, he is struggling to walk and his left leg is in a bad way. His back is in pain but with some physio i’m sure he’ll recover, he left the hospital at 5:38am (he was very specific). He went to the police station to get his house keys that were still in his car and he’s at home and his resting. He thanked me for everything and called me a hero. I’ve never been called a hero before, I was a little taken aback. I said to him that i was happy to help and happy that he was alive. I wished him a very speedy recovery.

---

Guys, life is short. Accidents happen and for me it was a massive wake up call, it was one of those moments that makes you reassess things. I needed to write this all down, apologies for the length, but i wanted to capture everything. The take away from all this, at least for me is to be a good person. Do what you can to help without putting yourself in danger, sometimes the most random people can be lifesavers and colour, age, race, sex, time, money etc. aren’t important when it comes down to being human. We are all just doing what we have to do to survive, if one of us is in trouble then together using what we have and the skills we have, we can help more than we ever thought possible.  

Stay safe, do the best you can. Life is short, live it to the fullest. 

Peace out. x 

01-Jun-2019 

[justshivosthoughts]

Adult Life

So no one tells you what adult life is really like... like it’s funny right, when you’re a kid you can’t wait to be an adult, there’s going to be so much stuff you can do and you’ll have money to do things - drive, travel, drink, come home late, go out more and just generally awesome stuff right. 

But no one tells you that once you start working and i mean really properly full on working that 9-5 job, it’s tough. My 9-5′s aren’t really that short, i’m talking more 9:30am - 8pm kinda life which is sucking away my energy. Energy that i really wish i could either spend on myself and do something or to spend with other people, people who i care about. 

It’s frustrating and weird because i worked so hard to get to a point where i felt like i was a really valued member of the team. That i was top of my game and anyone could come to me and i would help them to the best of my ability... so why does it feel like now i want that to stop. That i want to be able to go into work and do what i’m meant to do without being distracted, stopped or just can’t get into the groove until the office empties out. 

No one tells you that your life is going to be filled predominately with work and any other time you get you’ll be complaining about work and how tired you are. I just turned 25 and to come to think of it, that’s kinda a milestone... ya know half of 50 - quarter of a century! But if at 25 i’m working this hard and staying till late every day, then what’s the rest of my working life going to be like? 

I kinda live by the whole work hard and play hard thing, do whatcha gotta do and do it well but also really enjoy your down time and spend it with those close to you. Sadly the down time at the moment is pretty sparse and it just feels that i’m adulting (being an adult) too hard... I need a break... 

Funny i was about to sign off this tumblr with my standard email sign off and had to stop myself because it was such a natural thing to do... that’s how much my work life is playing into my real life. It’s weird, because i really care so much about what i do that i actually think about it when i shouldn’t be. I dream about submissions when i shouldn’t be and i care so much about the image i give at work that i will help people, i will train people, i’ll make time for people.. i just don’t do that for myself. It’s not a bad thing to care that much, but when it’s leaking into my life and affecting my decisions and thoughts and worries.. is that where i draw the line? 

Many thanks and Kind regards,

Shiv 

JK. 

Peace out. xxx 

20-Sept-18 

[justshivosthoughts]

A Drink

So it’s been a hectic week guys, it’s been one of those weeks where things have just built up and the stress gets to a different level. My “buddy” - who is actually my buddy too, is out for 2 weeks and the workload that we normally share and help each other out on is now all fallen on me. Add to that another person from the team at work leaving... let’s just say that overwhelming and anxiety are two words that have been playing a lot on my mind and feelings. 

As a result of the work, i’ve been working till late, making sure that things get done in time so that we can keep the ball rolling and the work doesn’t stop just because i have limited capacity and we have limited resource in the team. Team player - I try. I actually overslept on Wed morning, woke up at 10am. I’m meant to be at work technically at 8/8:30 and I normally leave the house 7/7:30, so to wake up at 10, that was madness (esp cause my normal routine takes 1hr min to get ready). I woke up to a good friend on the team calling my phone - he was panicked as he thought I may have had a car accident - thank god that wasn’t the case eh. 

So yeah work got to me, 51 hours i’ve clocked this week. It’s been a mad one. But one of the line managers (not actually my own but one part of the team), has had my back like completely this week. I knew I could turn to her for help, just knowing that she would would do what she could to make my life easier, or even just asking me if I was okay, that meant a lot to me. She’s seen me working this week and after everything today, we were talking about how it would be good to have a drink after work. Then she asked me if I would like to go get a drink with her after work, how could I turn down an offer like that? Not gonna lie, having a drink after everything was much needed. 

So it get’s to about 5pm and she comes over and asks if i’m packing up soon, funnily enough I was wrapping up and just about to call it a day. So she asked if I was still up for this drink, bless her worrying that it would be uncool and that I was just going because she was a manager. Ahahaha, she’s actually really cool, got some real life experience and is actually relatable, so why the hell not. 

It was lovely guys. It’s gonna sound cheesy but it was kinda like talking to an old friend, about life and about experiences that changed us. We talked about work and I saw a whole other side. A mother, a traveller, a manager, a wife and a human. Just like you and me. Who had frustrations at work, who had to accept some things and fight for other things. To top it all off she bought me a drink (and got water - prep is key) and we ended up staying there for quite a while! It was definitely the longest time it’s taken me to drink a single pint ahaha! 

So not to make it sound weird, but when we were leaving she gave me a hug. I know there’s like that professional boundary, where you don’t hug your managers or colleagues really, but i’ve hugged a couple of other teammates before, because when you go through stressful times they’re the people that you lean on. They’re the ones who can understand exactly what you’re going through and they’re there to pick you up and help you when you feel like you’re drowning. I guess that’s why it wasn’t weird. When you spend so much time with such a varied group of people with their own personalities and aspirations - who all work towards the same eventual goal as a team, it’s inspirational and bonds form that you can’t really explain. Unspoken bonds which no one will mention but are undeniably there. 

So that one drink. That one drink showed me a whole other side, made me feel closer and understand someone who kinda fell into and worked hard to get their position, whilst at the same time being relatable enough to go for a drink and want to get to know me. I mean some things that were said really made me feel that I was appreciated. “Because you are able to handle and successfully deal with these crazy deadlines and complicated submissions, you’ll keep being given them because we know you can do it.” - That really boosts my confidence, as sometimes I feel like i still need to prove my worth, to prove that they didn’t make a mistake in hiring me. 

That one drink, was more than just one drink. I took a lot more from it that 4% and a quick chitchat which would have been the conventional conversation about the weather and holidays. It was a drink that led me to understand someone more, to understand the team history and dynamics, to understand someone else’s perspective. But at the same time it Was just a drink, to share in celebration of the completion of the week and the achievements and hard times that we’ve gone through. I’d always say yes to that drink.

Cheers to that my friends. Cheers. x

29-Jul-17 1:08am 

[justshivosthoughts]

Rain

I love the sound of the rain. 

I hate being in it, my hair gets ruined and my clothes get soaked. But it reminds me of one memory as a kid that i’ll always keep close to my heart. 

My mum told me and my sister about how when it rains in India after a long hot summer, everyone goes out onto the streets and dances and plays in the rain. It seemed like such a strange concept to me and my sister, that would never happen in the UK. But one day, it started to rain and i mean RAIN and it there was lightning and thunder and the rain was pouring from the sky like the heavens had opened. We ran outside onto the patio and just started dancing and playing and laughing. It was surreal. 

When I hear the sound of rain now, it makes me feel at peace, the sound of the drops against the silence of the night, whilst reading a book or just chilling. It sends shivers down my spine and makes me feel... different. Makes me think for a moment about everything i’m grateful for and helps me to find some kind of inner peace.. is that strange? Probably. All I know is that I love the sound of the rain. 

20-Mar-17 x

[justshivosthoughts]

Driving

I got my car yesterday (Tues 4th Oct 16) and it was one of the scariest but most exciting moments of being an adult. I made my first real adult purchase (with the help of my mum) and i was driving this machine, controlled by me.... 

Although I love it, i’m a little scared of it too... like a car has so much power. It’s great, you can get to places easily but at the same time it can kill someone if driven carelessly. It’s responsibility. 

I went for a drive today with one of my best friends and he said that i got more confident as I continued driving.. it was quite a long drive to be fair and i ended up having to go to Tesco because my mum wanted me to pick up some groceries. It was nice though, to feel like i could actually help towards the house by picking something up, not having to rely on my parents for food etc. I’m so grateful to my bestie who sat with me in the car and supported me, especially when there were some stupid ass drivers on the road! 

I wish that my other half was by my side too, I wish that they could have been with me when i was picking up my car and could hold my hand and tell me it’s okay. I miss my other half.. my better half. 

[justshivosthoughts]

Convenient Friendships

I didn’t think that a friendship and i mean a true friendship where tears and fears are shared could just turn into a convenient friendship. But alas i’ve learnt something new and damn it happens.

I’ve found this concept very difficult to get my brain around, for many reasons.

1) Strong bonds

So at the start of the friendship it was a bit new and getting used to each other and knowing each other. Likes and dislikes and blah, which quickly turned into partnering up for labs and having lunch and jokes together. Turning into deep conversations about secrets and sleepovers with alcohol and introducing them into my existing friendship group. The reason why I say “strong bonds”, for me to introduce you and want you to meet my friends, that’s like bringing you home to meet my parents. My friends are my laid back family, wanting to share that with another friend... it means a lot.

2)  Things said

So things said between friends are normally taken pretty seriously, well by me anyway. If your friend was sitting in front of you in tears because she was worried that you would get hurt by someone, heck you’d think that they were a real friend too. If they spent time with you and listened to your worries and concerns, wouldn’t you start to get attached and think they’re a friend?

3) Time

A friend of convenience often has an expiry date. After a little while they find people who they’d rather be friends with and they move on. Usually this happens within the first few months or a year of a friendship... not 4 years.

So this whole friendship bullshit after 4 years means nothing, because i’ve just figured out... i was a friend of convenience. But you know what, i can forgive it, because whatever, i guess all those conversations and exchanging of worries etc. was nothing. You know what though, it would be okay if there was a least  a reason. Like maybe i did something or maybe you did something and we stopped talking. But it felt like it was overnight and over time all at once. It felt like suddenly i was the only one who gave a shit and left sending texts. So i put it to rest, i thought that it wasn’t worth it and just left it alone.

But then i find out you want to know what i got for my degree. Just lol. You can’t text me now, because it’ll look stupid. But if you’re asking i assume its because you want me to do well? But why care about me if i was just a friend of convenience. Why hurt me then care. I’m done... like seriously, it hurts too much to get hope and then have it fucking torn away. Someone said to me “you’re too nice”, i guess thats right. I’m nice to friends, i care about those who have in the past been there for me. Who have held my hand when i was in the darkest of days when my friend got raped and i was left wondering what to do. When i was in hospital and that friend came to see me and cried when she saw the state i was in. Who looked out for me and cared about me especially with my anxiety at its worse, its hard to cut that kind of friendship, so yeah I guess i’m too nice. It’s like residual feelings left and they’re hard to shake, they’re hard not to react to, it’s like a nearly healed wound being picked again. I’m pretty much bleeding and it’s not over, it’s not going to be over because i’ll have to face that friend again. I’ll have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is great.

How inconvenient.

Sorry for the rant. Peace x

01/07/16 2:17am

[justshivosthoughts]

The End of Education

So the title of this was going to be “The End” then i realised how fricking dramatic that sounded... like I was saying goodbye. Nothing that drastic dw. 

Today I had a bit of a breakdown... let me explain.

Yesterday I left my uni house and moved back home, that signified the end of education, the end of my student life, just the end of my freedom. I know that sounds crazy like home shouldn’t feel like prison or the end of freedom, and i guess to a certain extent it isn’t. But in some aspects it is. I can’t be the real me at home, I can’t leave the house whenever i please or stay the night or stay out late. I can’t drink or smoke without worrying about who will see or smell it on me. Added to this my sister who was meant to be around for the whole of summer is off in the early morning for a 10 week internship, things just went from bad to worse. I’m stuck in my parents house until i get a job, totally reliant on them for money and living (sometimes travel) and all i can do is apply for jobs over and over again until one person says yes. 

Someone close to me said to me tonight after i broke down that i needed to give myself a break. That i needed to just relax, i’ve only finished uni for a month and have just got back home and it’s not even been a full day and i’ve applied for 3 jobs. It’s difficult though, seeing everyone else around you doing well and getting jobs, getting on with their lives and feeling like you’re kinda left behind... left in the lurch. Someone close to me has started their job and i’ve tried to be super understanding, i know what it’s like to work a demanding job and the things you have to do and people you have to speak to, just to keep up appearances. I truly understand its not easy for them, especially trying to find a comfortable place within a company which can be a bit crazy sometimes. 

I just got lonely. I missed that person, I know its stupid and up till the day i left my uni house i was trying to make the most of the freedom i had and the time i had to chill. But as soon as my friends and my freedom were taken away, i just felt like i didn’t have much else left. Yes i have my family, but they don’t really know me, you know what i mean? I wanted to hold onto one thing that i didn’t want to change, that relationship with that person. But because of work and all its been difficult to speak properly and with other things going on the conversation doesn’t really lean towards speaking about us or each other, not in great depth anyway. I must say again that i really truly do understand that it’s just the beginning few weeks for my friend and that things will settle down. I think its just the headspace that i’m in at the moment. With so many things running through my mind and trying desperately to get out from the house and get my freedom back. I just broke down. Everything just got built up and i broke down. 

So yeah. That doesn’t often happen to me, that i’m left on the other side of the phone not being able to speak because i can’t begin to answer the question: 

“Are you okay?” 

Because where do i start? How do I explain in a sentence all the things i’m feeling, missing you, missing my freedom, missing my friends, missing being true to myself. How do I start to tell you about the worries I have about not being able to get a job, how it feels to be rejected from applications and not knowing you’ve been rejected but just assuming you have, as you haven’t heard anything back? The thoughts start to spiral into, what if no company wants to hire me. What if i end up working in the petrol station for the rest of my life? Is that how i’ll find my calling? Work my way up to supervisor and live my life worrying about the temperature of a hot bacon sandwich? FUCK. I just don’t know. 4 years have gone into this degree and the result wasn’t exactly what i wanted, but hey i’m graduating so thats great. I get to wear the gown and hat and stand up on that stage and make my family proud. 

I wish they knew the real me. I wish they accepted me for who I am. My friends are my family, they know me inside out, the way i think and the things and people i love. That special person is my everything, with the distance I worry that things might get difficult I just don’t want them to give up on me, because i don’t want to give up. 

Sigh. I’m over thinking everything literally everything. I just want things to be okay. I just want things to pan out and for there to be a happy ending. Maybe i’m asking for too much... one step at a time for now. 

Peace x

01/07/16 @ 2am 

[justshivosthoughts]

I sat and read every word she had to say. Blast this, this needs to be read. I can’t even begin to tell you how i feel about this injustice, that the guy only gets months in prison whereas it’s something she’s had to deal with for over a year and will have to deal with for the rest of her life. Fuck him. Fuck the system. I’m standing by this woman and her strength and light will be felt by others. Keep fighting the fight. Peace. x

[justshivosthoughts]

Muslim Ban Stupidity

So as is well known Donald Trump, who claims to have a big dick, “got by” on a million dollar loan from his dad and thinks an IQ test can help him make a point, thinks that muslims should be banned entry into the US. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially with what has been in the news recently. So the new mayor of London is Mr Sadiq Khan, he’s a Londoner and happens to be muslim. David Cameron straight up called Trump stupid for calling for this ban and to be honest its the first thing Cameron has said that I totally agree to. Obviously Trump was pissed off about this and seems to have gotten into a mood about it, not understanding why the Prime Minister and british public would be opposed to such a thing. On hearing that Khan thinks he’s being ignorant about the ban has sent Trump into a spiral about his relationship with the Prime Minister IF, and i must emphasise IF he becomes President of the US. Sadly, somehow Trump has managed to get himself into a position to be voted for president, playing on people’s insecurities, fears, lack of knowledge and lack of understanding of Islam. 

I understand that many things have happened in the past, where terrorism has been linked to Islam, but as the majority of muslims have pointed out as well as the general public. Those people are extremists using a religion to try and validate their actions. Those people are disgusting. 

So Trump, apparently the man with an IQ “so high” that his point of view is god-given (sarcasm if you couldn’t tell), has said that his relationship with the UK would be very strained if he did reach the position of power and has said opening that he won’t be forgetting the remarks of the Prime Minister and the Mayor of London. The remarks were made because his idea of a ban is absolutely stupid. Normal working people, people visiting family, people on holiday etc. may not be able to enter the US. Why? Because Trump has islam hating blindfold on. Your religion doesn’t define you or your actions. 

So watching the news today, hearing the words Islam and Muslims repeated several times, seeing the outrage on politicians faces etc. Got me thinking about one main thing. When was the last time that a certain group of people were ganged up against. When they were told they couldn’t do something because of their race, religion or sexual orientation? There are hundreds of examples throughout history and as the age old saying goes.. “history repeats itself”. Did the Nazi’s not isolate the Jews? Were the black people not taken from their homes, sold and worked as slaves, like cattle? Were LGBTQ+ people not allowed to marry their partners, just because it wasn’t the norm of marriage? Like JEEEZ. Can we not see a pattern here? People from the faith of Islam all being grouped together because of an extremist group, now need to be wary of their lives. Not because of the extremists, but because of the people around them with the lack of knowledge and understanding, without the right information to make informed decisions and opinions. Those people who would act upon a fake story circulating around Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr and in a heartbeat take some kind of action. Are those the people voting for Trump? Because i’m genuinely worried about the state of the US if he actually manages to make it in the white house. 

Could I also point out one thing, after some research and hearing things in the news over the last year. The new extremists are those born in western countries. Those who have been exposed to the hate.. they have then been groomed into thinking that their neighbours, fellow citizens deserve to die. It’s fucked up. So Trump, don’t you think that by instating a law that ban’s muslims from entering the country, stopping families seeing each other, would create a spark of anger, for more of these young people to turn against their country. Yes Trump, you may want to stop muslims from entering the US, but what the hell are you going to do about your own home grown terrorists, because that’ll be on you mate. That’ll be on you. 

I’d also like to just say, that these are my own personal opinions based on what i’ve read and heard about in the news, online, from family, from friends of all different races, religions, genders and sexualities. These are my personal thoughts and I just wanted to get them down. I’m a British-Asian, born and raised in London, with friends from all walks of life. I am a Hindu with Indian roots. Yes, there is “beef” between Muslims and Hindu’s there have been for hundreds of years, but more than that there is friendship. I have many muslim friends, people who have been in my life that I would consider part of my family part of my life who are also muslim. If a hindu, brought up in the melting point of religion, races, sexuality and gender can understand the issues that are going on in the world. The dynamics and importance of relationships (politics and family), then why can’t someone in such power like Trump try and understand the points raised by their allies. Why is it that we can’t see history repeating itself until it is far too late. Sadly, with the way things are going, I can only hope that the future generations try and look back and finally understand how not to repeat the same mistakes. To use their common sense, knowledge and acceptance to steer their decisions. 

Rant over. Peace out. 

Shiv 16/05/16

[justshivosthoughts]

“I was told when I was older all my fears would shrink, but know i’m insecure and I care what people think”

[justshivosthoughts]

I keep myself busy,  with the things I do,  But everytime I pause...  - I think of you.