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[letsoulfree]

30

So in case you are wondering I turned 30 a few weeks ago.  I would be lying if I was afraid to hit this big milestone of my life. In fact, I can hardly wait to turn 30.  Not that my 20s sucked so bad, but I was so excited to turn 30 than prolonging my age saying, “I’m twenty –something”.  I think I can actually count how many women out there who are proud to say that they are 30 with a big smile on their faces.  So what’s not to like about turning 30.  It’s time to go back and reminisce the last decade. Shall we?

  My last decade definitely was THE decade to remember. Without knowing when I’d be seeing them again, I said good-bye to my beloved family and a country I called home for 20 years.  With no family and a few friends I met a couple times, I moved to the country I never even dreamed of visiting.  Before moving to the United States by myself back in 2004, I had never traveled alone in my life.  Well, 20 years of my life! It was scary yet, the most exciting thing a 20 year old can do ever!

  My early 20s definitely was not that pretty as others.  To make it short, I went to Pittsburgh for school, learned about American Football (Yes, Steelers for Life, haters can suck it) then things went down the hell in St. Louis and learned a lesson that Family is NOT related by blood, but by heart. With only 1 person I know via Friendster, I moved to New York.  Yes, I was just about to turn 21.

  You know what they say, you move to New York in your 20s to fall in love, get screwed over, pay your dues, and to live your dream. I am proud to say that, I have done all of that in this beautiful city.  I have worked at so many jobs and met so many people you can name. From a sales girl who earn $7/hour praying you won’t run into Immigration Cops while standing 10 hours a day at China Town to a Human Resources Manager at the Largest Non Profit Organization in the US, I’ve done it all.  From an angry Chinese Owner who would cut my 2 hours because she caught me snacking during “work hours” where I had no break from 10:00am-3:00pm to eat, to a manager who is just a phone call away to give me good reference although I haven’t seen her in 5 years, I’ve met them all. 

  I am not going to go details you bore you with my life story, if you are interested, you make sure to check it out when my book comes out.  But my point is unless you are born as a hedge-fund baby, your life will suck eventually.  If it doesn’t suck in your 20s, it will be in 30 or better yet, it will bite you in your 40s. You just have to be ready for every shit thrown at you, and keep walking nothing but with a smile.  To top it off the fact that I was penniless broke when I moved to New York, I was also fighting for a “home.” They said, America is the land of opportunity. Yes, it is true but the opportunity doesn’t come and hand it to you as in Disney Movies, you have to dig down and hold on to it as til’ your last breath even it might turn out to be a misleading clue. 

  Although, this was my least favorite era of last decade, I’d say my mid twenties were quite interesting.  That’s the age you met “love” and foolishly dreamed that fairy tales exist. You meet a lot more interesting other mid-20s,  who are also lost in their lives yet try to convince you that they have found themselves and that you should follow their lead.

  I must say, my late twenties were my favorite part of this.  I was screwed over enough to avoid jerks and have failed enough to succeed. I have met the love of my life who I can proudly call, my fiancé.  I grew apart from some folks, that I considered dearest once in my life.  I am just glad that after some times, a few “good byes” turned to “see you later.” I have met a wonderful friend in my last twenties, whom I now am happy to call my sister. Sharon, if you are reading this-Smile! It’s You.

  So is it all about rainbow and sunshine in my last twenties? Of course not! I have yet to finally experienced the worst of all worlds- racism in past three years.  Some of you know what I have been fighting over past 3 years and yes, sadly, I am still in this.  You would have thought now a days when people fight about “marriage equality”, it’s all about same sex marriage. Well my friend, you are wrong. There still are good amount of interracial couples including myself and Aris are still fighting this. Hopefully with this time, everyone who is in love would be able to get married with no judgments and would not need to go through unnecessary drama.  After all, “All you need is love”, no?

  Now that you heard of the sucky party of the 20s, here comes the best part.  I have overcome a lot, I mean a lot to stand where I am today. After 10 years of hustle and bustle in the Big Apple, I accepted an excellent offer from Ernst & Young last week to join their HR team at their Head Quarter in the middle of Time Square. If you think, I have been bragging about this over and over, you can stop reading here.  I earned this, haters. I surely did earn this for a 20 year old girl who moved to NYC 9 years ago without any family, no home but a suitcase full of tears and fears.

  Have I done this all alone? Heck no.  As sucky as my luck was in some departments, I am very fortunate to have met THE most amazing people in my life.

  My parents were not the richest parents in the world yet, they taught me best lesson and the best gift a child can ever have in her life.  I was taught to be independent, brave and make the impossible-possible.  Mom and Dad, you have raised this then 20-year-old daughter the BEST way possible.  Please be proud. I am beyond THANKFUL to be your daughter in my life and I LOVE YOU.  

  My brother and my sister, my two best friends for life. Without their love and support through out all these years, I wouldn’t be where I am today. KKG and PL I LOVE YOU.

  Now I am blessed to have not one but two sets of parents in this life. During my early twenties, I had the honor to have met this the most Amazing Couple from Louisiana. They took me in when I had no where to turn, they believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, better yet, they gave me a HOME when I literally had nowhere to go.  PJ and Ron, without you two, this girl right here would have left this country 9 years ago and I dare not even begin to think where my life would be. I LOVE YOU and I THANK YOU. 

  Now, last but definitely not least, I am very fortunate to have the BEST friends in the world. I might not have a big group of friends or best friends from 3rd grade, but I hold my circles very dear and near to my heart. We have met in different aspect in my life but I am honored to call you my friend. (You know who you are!) It is not about the length of time I spent with you or I have known you it is the trust and love I share with you and our friendship that I treasure.

  I would mention a few of you here who I have the privilege to call my best friends for life. Tun, Chit, Nandi, Sharon, Christine, Lauren, Nadia and Lisa. I may not see you guys all the time or every weekend for brunch, in fact some of you live in different state or better yet, in different country but I love how what we have built was life-long friendship. You guys are my family, you guys made my last decade the decade to remember. I LOVE YOU.

  To sum it up, If it wasn’t for y’all, I wouldn’t be able stand here, look back the past decade and said, “Boy, I did GOOD! Now here’s to the 30s, bring it on.

[letsoulfree]

29

So I turned 29 yesterday. Just another year as others may say, but I am pretty excited for turning 29. Hey one last year in the twenties,what’s not to love? Next year, I will be joining the big THREE-O club. I’d be lying if I were nervous or not ready. I am actually one of those who can’t wait to be 30. I am exactly where I wanted to be at 29.  I mean, I know that not everyone has the perfect life. I got lucky in that sense. I have the BEST people in my life who make my life perfect. It’s like jigsaw puzzle. Each and every one of you fills my life to form a complete picture. 

I was blessed to have two most wonderful parents in the world. My family wasn’t rich but my parents bust their butts off to give us the perfect childhood any child can ask for. I have the BEST siblings in the world. Hands down, no description needed here. Now that they both give me two beautiful baby girls to spoil and love for, they are beyond the best!

That being said, 28 wasn’t an easy year for me. I had lots of ups and downs, I mean literally a lot. I drove myself and a lot of people crazy and also had to deal with some nut jobs who drove me up the wall. It’s a wonder how we all survive without killing each other. The truth that matters is, you appreciate all the good people around you and how fortunate you are to have em’ when you had to deal with those a couple of nut jobs.  That being said, letting people go was a never easy thing to do. Especially, you’ve known certain people for a quite along time and they have been in your heart or somewhat closer to your heart for quite a while. But one day, you wake up and realize that you’ve grown apart and it’s not you letting them go, it’s them leaving your life. It’s better to lovesome from distance them ended with hate and anger. Alright Nuff’ said with negativity.

What’s the highlight of 28? I got to see my family in years!It was truly a miracle that happened. The BEST part of 28 was being able to hold my God Daughter [my baby niece] in my hands and dance with her under the moonlight at the beach. May Khaing loves you Mee Mee lay.

Okay, now I, here by, want to take a moment to give shout outs to a few good people I am fortunate to have in my life. I was blessed with this beyond ah-mazing Oran Family at my hardest time. Right when I was about to give up on everything, Orans welcomed me with just pure love. I felt home, safe and protected. It’s a privilege to call you my family. I love you.

I was given TRUE best friends when I needed the most.  

Erica, you accepted me for who I am and love me unconditionally, hugged me when I am down and dried my tears when I cried.Through you, I have met my American mom, who now I have an open invitation to her home. Thank you Ric and Mom. It’s an honor that you consider me, ‘family.’I love you.

Christine, I thank you for always being there anytime I callor text you with any reasons. I thank you for always listening to me,comforting me and cheering me up for the past year. You’ve been nothing butsuch a sweet heart and I am very lucky to have you as one of my best friends. Ilove you

Nadia, we’ve known each other for years, I am very glad thatwe never lost touch and the friendship got closer and deeper. Thank you foryour love, help and caring you gave me at my hardest time. I am happy to callyou one of my best friends. I love you.

Ma Sunny and Ma Deanna. Thank you for ALWAYS being there forme to hold me up and guide me through darkness. You two are the two big sistersI wish I always have. Thanks for making my 28 bearable. I love you.

Nandi, it's amazing how our love and friendship has grown so much deeper since you left. I know we are thousands miles away from each other but the thought that I can reach you in only one text away warms my heart. Thank you for all the heart-to-heart talk we shared.I am so lucky to have you both as my best friend and my little sister I always wanted. I love you.

Now last but not least-My Aris. It took me 26 years to find the love of my life. I quit searching for Mr. Perfect after a couple of fail relationship. Then I met Aris. No one is perfect, that’s life. This man did beyond everything any man could just to keep a smile on my face. I know I am a lot of work and there are times that I don’t even want to put up with my self. He stood by my side and just loved me. He taught me what true love is and the power of forgiveness. Like I said before, no one’s perfect but this man made my life perfect. I love you, Aris.

So going back to what I was saying before, I am at my happy place at 29 and can’t wait to see what 30 has to offer more!

Alright, alright, enough with emotional craps here. Let’s get back to my normal self. So what’s up bi***hes?

[letsoulfree]

Maybe it was Bangkok

Summer

Mojito and a Dutch giraffe.

Samet,

Waves and a morning coffee.

A-not-very-innocent-tennis-ball.

  Moonlight

80s music and a UN meeting.

Tubin,

Laughs, and a wedding.

A-not-very-lonley-New-Yorker.

  July

Crazy streets and a cappuccino.

RBIS

Bitching and a morning bike ride.

May be it was Bangkok.

[letsoulfree]

Maybe It was Samet

Lookin' at you through a misty moonlight  Katydid sing like a symphony  Porch swing swayin' like a Tennessee lullaby  Melody blowing through the willow tree  What was I supposed to do  Standin' there lookin' at you  A lonely boy far from home  Maybe it was Samet  Maybe it was Thailand summer nights  Maybe it was you maybe it was me  But it sure felt right  Read about you in a Faulkner novel  Met you once in a Williams play  Heard about you in a country love song  Summer nights beauty took my breath away  Maybe it was Samet  Maybe it was Thailand summer nights  Maybe it was you maybe it was me  But it sure felt right  Every night now since I've been back home  Lie awake drifting in the memory  I think about you on your momma's front porch swing  Talking that way so soft to me  Maybe it was Samet Maybe it was thailand summer nights  Maybe it was you maybe it was me  But it sure felt right  Maybe it was you maybe it was me  But it sure felt right  You know it sure felt right...

[letsoulfree]

Today I buried a friend

I lost

a friend

today.

A dear friend,

I’ve faithfully loved

for nearly a decade.

  I think we’ve grown

apart.

I know it’s coming

but never thought

it would be this time:

the worst possible time

it could happen.

It was harder

than I expected.

  You refused to be there

when I needed you the most.

I wasn’t asking too much,

was I?

just a promise that

you always will be my comfort

no matter what.

  It hurts so bad

to loose you.

It burns me alive

not to have you anymore.

You’ve been part of me

for almost a decade.

It is like

losing a family member.

It is like

losing parts of my organs.

It is like

someone told me

I can’t write anymore.

All the music stopped.

My sunshine has gone.

I broke down

and cried

with the sickness to my bones.

  It’s a shame

things turned out this way.

You and I: We’ve come

so far as of today.

I’d never refused

to be your comfort in anyways.

I swallowed my pride and belief

to support you in your sad days.

  I lost

a friend

today.

A dear friend,

I’ve faithfully loved

for nearly a decade.

[letsoulfree]

Women and Marriage

Facebook asks me, what’s going on Khaing? Well, you know what, everyone I know is getting married.  As they are getting married and I am reaching to my late twenties, everyone keeps asking me the same question, “when is your turn?” Just the tone of their voices is quite interesting. The way they asked is pretty interesting too. They first looked at your finger to see if there’s a ring on it. Then they gave you this sympathetic look as you fail one of your biggest life exams. Are those people really sympathized our lives as “single women” or they are just trying to put a pressure on you to make you feel bad? Do we, women feel pressure on that question too? Is that the reason why I’m hearing all these stories of getting engaged, married and all these supposedly fun and exciting baby showers?

So here is my question. Why do people get married?

If you look up the definition of marriage it says, “the state of being united to a person.” If you are literally taking the meaning of it, then the concept of marriage is pretty shallow. You get married to someone so you can be with someone. That’s kind of lame. Isn’t it?

It’s no news that we were all born alone to begin with then why the state of being with someone is this important? As the research says, it’s our human natures that as we grow older, we fear to be alone and start to incautiously force ourselves to be with someone. And that’s how you ended up being in a wrong relationship. If you don’t see that immediately, that will cause a couple good years of your precious life! Most of us got confused in life between “being with someone you love” and “being afraid to be alone.” 

Trust me when I say this, I learned the difference between these two paying a huge price.

Now let’s continue on our topic. Why do women started feeling the pressure of being “unmarried” at their late twenties? At that age, you’re in somewhat level of your careers, you’ve had experienced a couple of horrible breakups, if you’re lucky you may have found the “love of your life” and if even luckier, you are in a wonderful relationship with that special someone. So why do we care of what other people think? You’re enjoying your life as you’re reading this. Oh before I forgot, here’s another “sympathetic” comment- don’t wait it too long, you don’t want to be too late and got passed by the youngsters?  As an Asian woman, I’m, consider “too old” for this marriage system. All my friends from middle school and high school got married , and some even have couple kids. So comparing to them, apparently, I’m too late and too old to get married and have a family. Here’s some thought. Who is making these rules about life’s clock? And why are we forcefully buying all these craps and convincing ourselves as failure if you’re not married at age of 30. Seriously why?

Here’re more important questions you should ask yourself.

How about your career in life? Have you found a hobby yet? Do you still want to work in a field that you’re or (perhaps you will be) interested in the future? Have you traveled enough yet? A dear friend of mine is planning to get hitched this summer. Not too long ago, she confessed to me how lonely she is living in suburbs with no friends. She used to be one of us, live-and-learn New York girl. I couldn’t help but wonder. The fact that she’s in the suburb is making her to get married because it has very less things to offer to have fun. Is this the mentality of suburban women that it is their destiny to get married and become stay at home mom? For me, “staying-at-home-mom-with-kids-but-no friends-life” is not much different from “being-away-from-home-with no-friends-life”, probably the first one is even worse in some cases.

Now generally speaking, majority of women who got married usually go two major paths (Of course, I’m saying modern women like us these days.)

1.     Becoming stay at home mom devoting their whole lives to the children for next 18-20 years and come back to life in a second round after the children go to college. (I’ve known a few women in this category).

(i)    One of them is called Sue.

Sue had her life and fun before she and Richard decided to get married. She did what she was really passionate about in her twenties. She mentioned she might go back to school for culinary after her third child go to Kindergarten because she is a bad cook. And of course she married a smartass lawyer so her marriage life turns out okay.

(ii)  Another one, let’s call her Mary.

Mary got married in her early twenties. Needless to say, she was from a small town outside of Pittsburgh. She devoted her whole entire life to her two sons and her husband. Quit school, stayed at home and home-schooled her children. Finally after twenty something years later, she decided to do something for herself and it was a big surprise for her family. They couldn’t handle the fact that she’s no longer the stay at home mom who’s the forever homemaker. Her marriage ended and Mary ended being alone at her late 50s.

2.     Get married then put the children and family life on hold and kept on pursuing life goals and enjoy fun as much as they could until they are ready to settle down. (Here I have a very good friend of mine who has a successful career in her life and happily married.)

This is also maybe me in the future and most of women in our generations.

Here’re some interesting facts about these women in who chose the path II.

i.      Nothing stopped them from where they are going, and they have control of how to prevent from things that likely to pause their lives’ goals.

ii.     They are, majority of the time, happy with their lives as they chose their life plan.

Now let’s look at the pros and cons for these two scenarios:

In scenario I,

·      Pros: You will have full time mother life with your children-you get to love them, kiss them, spoil them, watch them grow. Of course it’s a happy scenario if you’re like Sue marrying a perfect candidate, a good loving, understanding money-maker husband. But remember, Sue did all her fun and completed life exams in her twenties before she got married.

·      Cons: You gotta spent at least twenty years in “mother/housewife/breeder” circle. (Sorry I use the word breeder). Statically speaking, if you’re having three children, 30 months of those years are just alone being pregnant. (Not very fun eh). Then what if your future turned out to be like Mary then all these years you’ve invested are gone as waste. It is because all these twenty years, you’ve forgotten to love yourself.

In Scenario II:

·      Pros: You’re the pilot of your life. You wrote it, you directed it, you played it. (what’s not to like?)

·      Cons: You might end up not being able to be a mother. And here by mother, I mean “biologically.” Why? Because by the time, you finished your goals, you’re passed the age of healthy conceiving a child. But here’re options, you can always adopt or hey have a surrogate.  Of course you will miss all these funs of hearing the baby breathing, feeling them kicking etc. For me, I’ve reached to a point that parenting is not just about having your biological child but it’s about giving love, food, and shelter and caring to another living human being. If you can have that set of mind then, this path doesn’t sound so bad at all.

So here my job is done showcasing you what I’ve seen so far. It’s your job to decide which category you belong to. You can actually belong to neither of them. Then, I may have to interview you and your life!

Now here is the important question. Why rush to marriage? Believe it or not, I am a big believer in love. Or I should say, I’ve grown to be one in my late twenties. And with love, self respect come along.

Over the last a few years, I self taught myself to learn and appreciate myself more. I used to forget how important it is to love yourself and protect yourself from being hurt. In my early twenties, I caught in the moment where I was confused between “being with someone I love” and “being afraid to be alone.” I also focused a lot more on what society would think, what my enemies would think and etc. I forced myself to be in two wrong relationships for total of five years. Half way through both of the relationships, I realized I didn’t love any of them enough to spend my entire life. However, I was stubborn enough to force myself to work things out because I was again, caught under the title of “coulda, shoulda, woulda.” Another major fact of this wrong decision-making was because I was separated from my family in my early twenties. I didn’t have any family members here in the United States. Fortunate enough, I have amazing friends. However, I crazily loved the feeling of coming home to and waking up next to someone. I cried my eyes out and went through depression upon my last breakup. Deep inside, I knew I was crying that I would be alone again and the society will now laugh at me for another fail relationship. But I was too prideful to admit that and was wrongly convincing myself that I loved [him] so much. As a result, I ended up hurting myself a lot worse than anyone can do it. At the end of the day, being in a wrong relationship is hundred times worse than being alone. I now after five dark years with wrong relationships, have learned to love myself. And at this point, I’m pretty much certain that I’d rather be alone than being with the wrong person.

Nonetheless, my point is if we have a choice, a woman should never marry a man (or another woman in some cases) for companionship. Of course, certain conditions may  apply here. But we won’t get into this.  For most of my ladies out there, you’re beautiful, young, super smart and sexy. You do have a choice. Like I’ve said it thousands time before, do something that you LOVE. Coulda, shoulda, would will automatically follow. I remember there’s a saying. “Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry someone you cant live without.”

Life, definitely, is a wonderful process, enjoy it. Live and learn, make mistake, and move on. Cherish it, love it and live to the fullest. Again, me? Marriage? Yes, I intend to do it only once and when I do it, it will only be for love!

  *Note: I do love children and I do believe in marriage. I have full respect for all the wonderful mothers out there.

[letsoulfree]

Last Goodbye

I attended a funeral past weekend. It was officially my first time attending the full service funeral in the United States. Beloved grandmother of *Aris, left her loved ones at the age of 88.  Her name was Mersina Mamacos but just like her own grandchildren, I called her Yiayia. As she has lived a quite long life, she had an eventful journey.

Since I got to know her a little more than over a year, I don’t know her whole life. But from the little amount of time, I spent with her to the day she was buried, she taught me some good values to live as a woman, a mother, a wife and more importantly-a reasonable and responsible human.

I’ve met yiayia for the first time on Thanksgiving 2011. As I expected, she was a classical, old school Greek woman. (After debating in my head for hundred times, I chose the word, “classical” over “typical.”) She was neither warm nor cold towards me.

I met her again for Christmas that year, the Greek Easter following year, and Aris’s and his brother’s birthdays. She became a little friendlier to me as we talked more. But we still kept our distance.  One day, I think it was the end of September of 2012, we were visiting Boston for a football game and we decided to go see her and take her out for brunch.

As our car parked, there she was opening her door and walking out of her apartment at our surprise. She said she saw us coming in so she didn’t want us to wait. During brunch, she and I chatted more than before and we decided to stop by at her place when we dropped her off.

As we came in, there was a chair right next to window. She told us that’s where she usually sits to look outside the window to see if there’s any visitor for her. I can’t help it but choked up in my heart hearing that. Now it made sense how fast she came out as our car pulled in the driveway.

During that visit, she showed us the piles of her medications that she is prescribed to take to control her anxiety. Yiayia’s sister passed away in May 2011. They called each other everyday before she passed. She mentioned that since her sister passed, she’s very lonely to live these days.

Yiayia lived in a bigger house with her late husband for many years before he passed away in 2007. They were married for over fifty years. According to her stories and pictures, they had a wonderful life together.  Since that time, Aris and I visited her every time we were in Boston. One time, we were in her apartment, she told us, the reason she moved from her bigger house to this apartment was because all the furniture and rooms were haunted for her after her husband died. I tried to understand her loneliness but couldn’t really relate to what she meant since I never experienced of what she had.

As we spent more and more time with her, we became quite close to each other. She would tell us stories about their adventures, travels across Europe and the United States. She was a devoted, faithful and loving wife for her husband. Every time, she mentioned his name, she had a big smile on her face and she always mentioned his name with a big smile.

Amongst one of those visits, one time was in the rehab center. It was last year thanksgiving. She was very ill and couldn’t be with us for thanksgiving so we visited her at her little room at the rehab center. Yiayia had kidney failure so she was going through her day depending on a machine. She hated her regular dialysis. At the rehab center, she told us that she didn’t want to live her life on a machine any longer. At the same time, I can feel her children’s love and will to keep their mother as long as they could. For poor old woman, she rather would have gone than suffering the pain. As children, we wanted to keep our parents as long as we can to be with us, meanwhile we are forgetting the suffer and pain that our parents are going through I promise myself then when it comes to my parents’ time, I would let them decide their fate. Then again, I’m just saying it now from seeing her suffering. I am not in her children’s shoes yet, not sure how I would be able to keep my promise when the time comes.

Seeing her helplessly lying very small on her bed broke my heart. Her eyes were talking to ours to get her out of that place. Sadly enough, it’s interesting how adults that we looked up to, those who took care of us became children again as they got older. They became very dependent on their kids and just like when we were children, they didn’t know how to ask for help.

The last time we visited her was on last year Christmas. Yiayia loved to cook and host. She was always ready to make something for her guests. She loved telling stories too. While she was making coffee for Aris and I, she sadly said this to us. “You know, eventually you reach an age where the clothes you wear, the couch you own and the car you drive no longer matter and that your family is all you have. Once the time passed, your loved ones are gone, nothing else matters anymore.”As she was saying, yiayia choked up with tears in her eyes. At that point, Aris and I both knew that she would be gone any time soon. We helped her fulfill her last wish before she passed away. She reunited with her son that she hasn’t seen in 27 years.

The last time I saw her was before they closed the casket. There she was peacefully sleeping while slightly smiling. She’s now back with her beloved husband and all her sisters. It’s all happy future ahead. Not that I’m a firm believer of after life, I’d like to believe that she’s in happy, better place now reuniting with her loved ones.

During this trip to Boston, Aris and I stayed at her apartment. The first day we arrived, we opened the door and without realizing myself, I was looking for her. Then I saw the empty chair. While Aris was sitting in the living room, I went to every room incautiously looking for her. We both purposely avoided the TV room, where we always hung out with her in the past. Without saying a word, we both know we were seeing her everywhere in the apartment. Now I finally felt (again, I chose the word “felt” over understood) what she meant when she told us about her old furniture haunted her of old memories.

Here we are : her two daughters, her grandchildren, her nieces, her friends and I, we all stood beside her at the graveyard, in the snow. Without saying a word, I know we all are in one same thought. As the Priest was praying, it reflected back on our moments with her.

I couldn’t help but wondered - how will these feet walk forward without her? But it is because we have been loved by her that we can love. It is because she saw us that we can see and as she was strong so she taught us to be strong too. We all are still trying to catch the sound of her voice in the wind that blows us by and would still look for her in the corners of our darkest days. We will miss her until there's nothing left to miss and even then we all know we will miss her.

But deep inside, I have known a beautiful person and I will take her with me in all the places I go. As I’ve come to think of it, I’ve spent less than a week with her, but yiayia taught me (without any words of course) to be a good wife to her husband, the BEST mother to her children, a perfect grandmother, a wonderful aunt, the meaning of LOVE, the importance of forgiveness and the significance of happiness in life.

We left Boston the day after burial. It is never easy to leave your loved ones. But it was a lot harder than I ever thought to leave an empty place. While trying myself from crying, I held Aris and we walked to every room in her little cozy apartment. I’ve said a lot of goodbyes in my life. As Aris locked the apartment door, we both said our hardest goodbye to an empty apartment. It was snowing heavily outside. 18 degree Fahrenheit New England weather cannot freeze the tears in our heart, I knew we both cried inside.  “Goodbye Yiayia!.”

 *Aris is my boyfriend of two years.

[letsoulfree]

Lost

I was just sixteen, mother.

I didn’t know better.

  It was my birthday.

I went to have fun with my friends.

  It’s not because I didn’t love you

Or not appreciate things that you’ve done.

  You were one strong, strict mother.

And I wanted to seek freedom.

  I had lots of sweets

But I still want your birthday cake.

  Your boiling eyes

Thunder-like voice

And the worst of the worst,

your non stop tears.

  I cannot take it, mother.

I don’t deserve it.

  It was just a typical teen’s

Rebellion.

  You didn’t have to throw the cake

You baked it for me.

I know how much you hated

to be near the oven.

You hated heat.

  I was only 2 hours late.

DD and Minn are still awake.

Daddy’s home.

  It is still 2 hours before midnight.

Radio’s still playing “listeners’ choice.”

“Winter Sonata” still on.

  It was the perfect seven-layer cake.

I am sure it was delicious and loved.

  I still wanted that cake, mother.

Please try to hear me out. a

There the worst part comes.

  If I knew, I had to hear it,

If I knew I had to find this out,

If I knew I had to lose my self.

I would

I would

I would have disregarded the knife in your hand

and hugged you, mother.

  “You, you ungrateful whore!

You, you rotten spoil brat!

I wish I never took you from the hospital!

I wish I never gave you love!

If I would have left you with your abandoned mother,

this day would have never come to me!”

  Mother, please tell me, you are lying.

Even though, I know you never lied.

Mother please tell me, you did not mean those.

Although I know you mean every word of it.

Please, give me one last chance.

  I was just sixteen, mother.

I didn’t know better.

  Sixteen years of love

Feeling of belonging somewhere

Definition of family,

Meaning of blood.

  It was September 3rd, 2000.

From a fun happy sixteen year old girl,

I became an adopted child

Of an abandoned drug-addict mother.

[letsoulfree]

My awesome friend-John Condakes's new single, a perfect combination of hard work and amazing talent. I dig him, why don't you?

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[letsoulfree]

Happy Valentine's Day

Let's talk about Valentine's Day-February 14th, shall we?

I think the way people these days celebrate is actually like dishonoring the wonderful meaning of the day.

It's not about giving chocolate, roses or spent some ridiculous amount of $$$ on one person.

It's about cherishing the wonderful moments with people you love. It's basically the main reason of the meaning of all holidays/get together.

People shouldn't feel discouraged to be single and depressed on this day.

You can still celebrate with other (more important) loved ones, say parents, siblings or your best friends, maybe?

[letsoulfree]

The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.” ~Carrie

[letsoulfree]

Love

Love is

such a delusional

mind fuck.

It doesn’t

exit. 

Well all got drunk

and

fall into its trap. 

It seduced you

with

all the glamorous accessories

and

desirable tricks.

Just like naïve

foolish

immature

children,

we all believe in its magic.

We

enjoyed it.

We

drank it.

We

smoked it.

We

dreamed it. 

We

lived in it.

Then –bam!

Just when you think

you’ve become a part of it,

the reality hits.

The cruelest prank

Only YOU

can do it to

YOURSELF. 

[letsoulfree]

My Valentine

I

was

angry

shocked

sad

exhausted

nervous

tired

scared

……

…….

……..

when they told me you happened.

 I

cried

(almost)

died

prayed

ran away

hid

worried

…..

……

……

when I heard you’re coming on your way.

I wasn’t prepared.

Nor dare to dream.

…….

……..

………

You’re surreal.

November 1st 2011.

You finally entered.

You smile, you cry.

Grandparents’ worries are over.

Minn and I finally can breath.

You’re there,

kicking and living

declaring the world-the Princess was born!.

You taught me…

the value of love

the meaning of life

the definition of tears

the sense of humors.

  You brought me

the bliss and pleasure of

being  nothing- but an Aunt.

  Oh my Valentine

I thank you for coming to our world.

Your little self has made

every heart bigger

every love deeper

every smile brighter

every dream truer

every hope higher.

Last but not least,

In OUR world.

Oh Valentine, My beloved,

my baby,

my biggest pride,

my greatest happiness,

You’ve crowned yourself,

You, A Queen was finally born.

Valentine TinMaung Alphonso

11/1/11

[letsoulfree]

The Stolen Rain

January 12th 2012, Brooklyn, New York.

It was 9:30 AM, a few snowy Sundays ago in Brooklyn. I got off at the 9th Avenue Stop on the D train. I walked at the fastest speed since I was running late as always, plus I hate the cold. Here I was, at the front door of the pre-war building number 313 on 42nd Street. I looked for the resident’s name because I never remembered the apartment number. Gonsiewsky! There it was! I pressed the bell right next to the name, the door buzzed and I entered. Immediately felt the warmth, walked up to the fourth floor to see my dear friend. There he was, by the door waiting for me with a half smile on his face and a cup full of Verona.

“Come on in, Khaing. Nice to see you again! How is it out there?!” he greeted.

“Cold and nasty, I hate winter”, I replied.

Once I walked in to the room, I read the line written on the wall: “My rain was stolen and it never came back”. He offered me a cup of berry white tea, we sat down and started talking about the love of his life, his poems.

August 2nd, 1992, Gdansk, Poland.

“We are going to New York next year, Andre”.  

He remembered that evening vividly, he was drying his hair from the rain on his way back from school. His father was a Polish runaway, or some like to call it “political activist against the government” and exiled to the US when he was only six.

“Do you think he’s going to remember us?” a silly question he asked.

“Of course, honey, why? Are you nervous to meet papa?”

She answered with the smile full of hopes and dreams. He didn’t respond as if he didn’t have the answer for that. In fact, he didn’t. He went to bed with endless thoughts, looking out of his window, the sky was pitch black and it was pouring outside.

It was extremely exciting for family reunion after almost nine year, but also was full of fears and worries because they are going to New York- one of the biggest cities in the world. Especially for Andrezej, who had never traveled anywhere before, it was a major change in his life. He remembered not being able to sleep well for the rest of the nights since that day. He dreamed a lot of things, but always ended up waking up being scared and felt not ready for a big move.

September 15th 1993. New York City.

“From Gdańsk to New York City, Andrezej had the longest twenty hours of his life, fearing how he would be able to dream of becoming a poet in the city that never sleeps.

They arrived.  While waiting for his father filling out the immigration paper works, Andrezej sat down on one of those nervous chairs at the at American Airline, Gate 22A, the international arrival. His sweaty scared hands were moving as he was looking around. Between meeting his “new” father and smelling his very first “American” Mc Donlads’s, he wrote his first poem in the United States, which was the combination of tiredness, confusion, and of course full of fears. The poem goes

“The entrance to my new home,

Or is it home, really?

welcomes me quite in the dark, yet

hundreds of people moving

under these very bright lights on.

Cold confused fingers, silent.” (Summer 1993)

First a few years in the Big Apple were rough for this Polish teen. He had to face unexpected changes, and not very friendly challenges. He grew up, believing his mother was devoted, sacrificed wife for his father for all these years and his father was this caring, loving, responsible husband for the family, as well as the national hero for his people. After twenty two months and two apartments later, he was introduced to the new member of the family-the word “divorce”. He walked away from his Lower East Side apartment that evening, spent his time wandering in Union Square Park. He couldn’t remember exactly what happened that night except that it was raining heavily.

“Today, my rain was stolen

Even the stream on my cheeks becomes a drought

The wind scorns at me by saying this

I took away your rain.” (Spring 1995)

Two weeks later, Andezej and his mom moved out to an apartment in Upper East Side.

October 18th, 1996, New York.

In the Fall of 1996, he got acceptance to New York University where he met Lauren -a green eye, brunette, 5 feet tall native New Yorker.

“Hi, I am Andre, I wrote poems.”

“Hi, Lauren, I major in rebellious painting.”

It was all that needed. He felt connected. After spending almost two months of his first semester in college, he finally felt accepted.

Andrezej left his Upper East Side apartment and moved to Astoria with Lauren. They shared the laughs and created wonderful memories together: her listening to his poems and him enjoying her color theories. Four years at NYU were the best time in his life. She was always at his side supporting him and believed in his dreams.  For their Fifth Year Anniversary, he wrote a poem and read it to her in Astoria Park.

“Good morning my beautiful!

I feel like it just sings my life’s soundtrack

The first song is so rocking good:’ bout you

You’ve killed the revolutionary                        

But the revolution they can never bury!” (Summer 2001)

February 5th, 2003, Brooklyn Bridge, New York.

“I am moving to Paris, babe”, Lauren broke the silence.

“I’m sorry. What?!” He responded shocking.

“Yes, I need to be at somewhere I can paint freely, you know where no one stopped you from anything. Nothing’s holding you back.  Clearly, it’s not here.”

“But you loved it here, you have “us” here. This is our home.”

“Home is where your heart is, love.”

“Yes, exactly, again we have ’us’ here, remember!”

“No, I spent my whole life here, it’s time for me to explore, time for me to grow. You are coming with me!”

A long silence took over.

Lauren left for Paris. The reality hit him that his love for this city was strong enough to let her go. They said good-bye. It was a mean stormy night on Brooklyn Bridge. Lauren and Andrezej both cried. If you can read what their tears had to say, you would hear:

“My sky does not have grey clouds

Neither the rainbow

Suddenly, the light of my day is shut down

The brightness of the sun is gone.

We were always alone” (Winter 2000).

Throughout past decade in this city, he learned that people were not aware of where they belong to until they have to leave somewhere for good.

Andrezej Gonsiewsky is the most interesting person I have met so far. He is a talented poet who does not call himself one. He sees himself as someone who was born to love poems. He calls New York home for more than a decade. He has visited to several places but has never forgotten to return home. He never remembers to keep contact with anyone after he left. I asked him why he never tried to give them and other places a chance. He simply smiled and whispered:

“My rain was already stolen.”

[letsoulfree]

Prejudice

Ignorance is not always a bliss.

Silence is not always golden.

Lives where killed

While tryin’ living.

Souls were wronged

While tryin’ learning.

Bodies were bled

While tryin’ developing.

Hearts were broken

While tryin’ breathing.

Crying for help

Bleeding from love

Dying from living.

Speaking of power

Define love.

Fighting for justice

(if there is a such thing.)

30 years is a number

that wouldn’t bring the lost souls back.

Midnight had taken over

Even before nights fall.

It is just the beginning

Of many endings.

It may not be laughter,

But crying shall be heard.

It may not be happiness,

But sadness must be discovered.

For all the damaged souls,

Which begun with broken hearts.

[letsoulfree]

Angie-My Worst Nightmare

It’s Thursday. Finally Five o’clock has arrived. I ran off from my work after a long ass day. Ric is walking with me today to the train station, as she doesn’t have to go to her spinning class. Today was a nightmare at work, so glad it’s over. Then I ran into Angie, my ex coworker from a few jobs ago. She still looks the same, pale and skinny. Just before I managed to avoid her, she saw me. At the moment, I realized, I didn’t have my phone with me. Crap!

Hey Khaing!, she screams! Oh boy, my evening just got better.

“ Oh thank god! Here you are, I lost my pocket book and didn’t know where to go and I am totally clueless”,

She continues. Oh yea, I remember she lives in Staten Island, so no surprise she had no idea where to go in the big city. For someone who just lost a pocket book , Angie seems pretty upbeat.

“Hey Angie”, I greeted (unwillingly). “it’s nice to see you, but I really got to go, I lost my phone.”

“go?! Where are you going? You cant leave me alone!”

oh great, now that annoying woman is going to glue me to my evening. I remember not being a big fan of Angie at that job. She was this little annoying woman with very high pitch voice, who likes to scream for every excitement.

She continues, “ oh you know this remind of me your first day at work remember?”

No I don’t and clearly I don’t want to remember. What kind of crack this girl is on? I wonder. She lost her pocket book and I lost my phone and she is still excited about everything. God if you exist, please help me!

And out of no where, Ric disappeared.  Now I am officially stuck with Angie.

Blur…….

I got off at Astoria Blvd station and started walking home, yes with Angie next to me. She is pretty amazed by everything she saw in Astoria. Well she’s from Staten Island so duh!.

“Oh Khaing,  look! The sign at Starbucks is soooo beautiful!”

God why! It’s just a sign that they wrote about their seasonal offering and this girl things it’s the world best piece of art. What did I do to myself?

I tripped over a baby! Angie Screamed!!!! “you didn’t see the baby?!”

I wish she is deaf and disappear. She did not stop, she just couldn’t. She continues, “you are so mean, how can you tripped over a baby? You know it’s a bad karma that’s why you lost your phone. Like how in the world this girl is telling me I lost my phone three hours ago because I am tripping over this baby in the future. Puzzled.

I am furious at this point. I really am. I lost it.

Angie reminded me of this little annoying dog that used to barked non stopped on my way to school when I was little. I remember one day, I grabbed a pretty big rock and threw at him and then since then he disappeared. Since I was so little at that time, I didn’t really think much what happened to him. He disappeared from me and I didn’t have to deal with that barking anymore.

Without thinking twice, I grab a rock and threw at Angie. It hit her although she didn’t bleed. At the same time, a fifty-dollar bill flew by as if it was dancing with Jimmy Hendrix’s manic depression. I caught it and gave it to Angie. I walked away.

Instead of reaching the gym, I am in front of my building.

I went to my bag to get my keys. My phone!!!!! I was so happy I went into my apartment.

I walked into my mom’s apartment that I grew up. The kitchen blue painted walls, white celling, the place I left almost nine years ago. WTF!

My mom is cooking. It smelled like something I really disliked when I was growing up. My cats walks in, oh my yeller- looking pretty and puffy, walking like a lady with a big happy smile on her face.

My phone rings. It was my Deb, my boss. She said, “Khaing, office is closed tomorrow.”

What?! That’s the best thing that happened in this evening.

Yeller is so nosy, just like an old woman. She goes, who’s that?

I told her it was my boss telling me tomorrow is my day off. She got so excited! She started planning how to spend our day off. She started with us going to little lake for fishing. It is just a pond, but Yeller is very dramatic and she thinks it’s a lake. She likes coming every time I go fishing. She continues her long day plan. My cat can talk!

[letsoulfree]

10/19/2012

Buzzzzzz!!!

Fuck the alarm clock!

Oh wait, that’s a phone call.

Who’s calling at this time?

Wait that’s not important

Shit, it’s 7:00

Ugh

Usually I am on the train

at this time.

Now look at me,

still in bed-half naked.

  Bam!

Hit the door,

who left the door in the hallway?

Wait that’s not important

Shit I can’t see a thing

Crap

Where did I leave my lenses?

I think the clock just hit 715

Now look at me.

Still asleep-half naked.

  Gharrrr!

Burnt my finger

Yes that’s hot water button-it’s RED!

Wait I can’t see, told you that.

Fixed my clothing

Not sure they match.

Told you, still finding my lenses-found!

Things are clearer and brighter..

Manipulated mind.

Ready to leave.

  Ran out of the house,

Looking half pretty-half awake.

Hunger and sleep making out in her brain

Intense!

Just when she thought she’s leaving.

Felt the rain on her shoulder..

Soaked and wet,

I think the clock just hit 730

FUCK MY LIFE.