limelama-blog

[limelama-blog]

good morning 2019

I really can’t tell what I am feeling right now. Just discovered Julie London, now I’m listening to “I’m in the mood for love” on repeat. Each time Barney Kessel strikes a chord, I feel it in my guts. It could be my outrageously large dinner, the leftover high or the girl I was so suddenly drawn to one day before new year’s eve. I kind of accepted my appearant asexuality, since I always had crushes on guys and never wanted to go further than maybe touch their shoulder. But now it’s just the other way around. My mind doesn’t have a crush, I’m not going crazy. But my body is pulled towards her. Like there’s a magnet in my chest and she is the other one. She’s so beautiful, it makes me happy to look at her and I did have trouble to force myself not to stare at her like a creep. I just want to hold her and never let go. And I want her to look at me like I do at her and for the whole world not to matter anymore. It doesn’t matter, that I’m insecure, that I don’t know what I’m doing or feeling, that I’m afraid of making a mistake. It doesn’t matter how I label myself. Maybe I shouldn’t, so I wouldn’t act accordingly to my label and dismiss everything that doesnt fit. Maybe I should stop solving the “Who am I” and just live like it is and try to listen to what my body tells me.

Happy New Year!

Memo to my later self: JUST LIVE. DO WHAT FEELS GOOD AND EXCITING. DON’T OVERTHINK. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WILL THINK. JUST BE YOU. Please.

[limelama-blog]

is this adult life

So I haven't posted anything in a long time, and that has to do with my non existent stamina. I can only write, if I feel passionate enough about something. And I only feel passionate about something if I'm emotionally involved and can't let go. Lately I've felt like there's absolutely nothing I'm passionate about anymore. I think one reason for it might be adult life. As a kid I had so many dreams - I wanted to see the world, fly to space, be an artist, open a restaurant - literally anything. Later this became owning roller skates and a year abroad. But as a young adult living on my own I never could fulfill those dreams. I had to put them aside for later, because I just didn't have the time/energy/money to let it happen. And the more dreams I buried, the easier it got. Now I don't even think about all the possibilities, because it's frustrating to never actually be able to do something about it. I call it realistically assessing my situation, otherwise I'd just have to say it's giving up. I don't even care about seeing Kathmandu or New Zealand. In fact, I don't even care about being single, or being out of shape, or even working at a boring office. It's freeing to just accept things as they come, but also I have become the person I despised as a kid. How did the adventurer morph into the plain button up?

If this is adult life, I already hate it.

If this is my depression, I also hate it.

It feels like emotions as a kid were so much bigger and so much exciting.

Now that I see the limitations of money everything just feels flavourless.

[limelama-blog]

Not belonging

I've lived in this new city for two months now. I go to the movies, visit exhibitions, dance in clubs, drink in bars, participate in protest marches, visit my sister and her flatmates almost every day, generally go out a lot and exchange numbers and text people and I'm still lonely. During a week long seminar I got to know a lot of amazing people that I would like to be friends with, so I started texting them and it was promising. But now, a week later nobody responds anymore. Nobody wants to meet up. The only person still texting me has severe depression that I can't handle even if I'm trying real hard. Apparently I got overwhelmed with feelings - as always - and the others just didn't feel this deep. I have the feeling of never fully belonging anywhere. I am or was always in a lot of social groups but I never seemed to be part of the core, to know the inside jokes or emotional life of my peers. It really doesn't matter how hard I try. It's the same outcome wether I participate in all the school clubs and go to all the parties and open up or just don't do anything and stay home. It's not that I'm anti social or can't small talk, it's not that I'm rude or mean, it's not that I'm shy and can't open up - I just don't seem to interest people beyond a fun evening out. Only people that I initially feel uncomfortable around stay in touch and I just answer them out of politeness.

I've already spent a year in another city without any friends. Now I'm trying anything in my power to not let that happen again, but I only can socialize so much before I get exhausted and uncomfortable. I'm already opening up more than I would like to. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm getting very tired.

[limelama-blog]

Today I realized:

if someone doesn't like you, it doesn't make you less likable or lovable.

So next time, when someone doesn't like you and you feel like no one could ever like you, remember, that there are people that do.

[limelama-blog]

I did a very quick, sketchy comic because I was extremely inspired by this post. (Credit to @pinkdiamondprince for the original post.)

The entire analogy was just fantastic and so, so accurate, and I wanted to make a comic for it, even if it’s very sketchy because my attention span is nil.

[limelama-blog]

me: I think I'm happy with my life

the universe: oh. Meet your new and soon only friend -

depression: let's DO THIS!

me: *moves out far away from Mom and friends*

the universe: Oi, what about getting sick? Like staying in bed and buying meds and puking like there's no tomorrow.

me: I'm lonely *trying to date*

the universe: Look. I told you, there's a reason why you're still-

me: *bumps into hot person*

also me: *is oblivious, leaves*

the universe: See, this is what I was talking about. I mean...this one IS on YOU. It's not like I'm not giving you anything to work with... Anyway, check out your bank account.

[limelama-blog]

Broke and Single

My first month living in a new city is over. At the beginning I used up all my savings (that I wanted to use on a trip to Nepal) on moving in. So I had to borrow money to pay for my food. I got my first paycheck and I had to pay the rent for the next month and also pay back my friend, who helped me out with the food money. Now I am broke. There is literally a zero point zero in my bank account. The first day of the month. I'll have to borrow money for food again. It's a vicious cycle. And it's very frustrating. I calculated how much three meals (of the cheapest instant noodles) a day would cost for a month. It made me sad. And I thought it would be great to have someone loving, who would cuddle with me and comfort me and make me forget the trouble, or at least someone to talk to, but I'm single. That made me even sadder. I stroked a cat for ten minutes, because it was the only affection I could get. I think we're friends now.

[limelama-blog]

Why people are rude sometimes

I'm new at work and that means I naturally have a lot of questions, which I am encouraged to ask. So I went to the first person I could find (my boss) to make sure I won't mess up a task. He seemed busy and said "Not now." - that is fine. I totally understand that people have to focus at work and don't always have time for me. What put me of was the tone and manner he used. It felt like he constantly had to repress angry outbursts and that scared me. I felt really uncomfortable and avoided him that day until I could explain the situation to myself. He probably is trying very hard to be polite and respectful and even asks about my weekend and puts on a smile. I know I need to appreciate that, even though it feels like an act, which intimidates me. He even apologized later on. So I waved it off, like it was nothing. Everybody struggles with something and if someone comes of as rude, they may just have a bad day, they may go through some shit, they're probably trying not to let that shine through and that should be appreciated.

[limelama-blog]

Sexuality is confusing

As a kid I always thought I was straight. Well actually I didn't gink about sexuality at all, I just had crushes on boys, because that's what everybody was doing. Later on, as a teenager I found out, that people don't necessarily only like the opposite gender. So women were an option now! At that time I thought I was bi, because I could look at both male and female an find them fascinating and beautiful. So I purposefully opened myself for the possibility of dating a woman, never developing a crush though. But whoever I kissed or hugged (that sounds like I have a lot of experience, but I'm an actual noob at this), no matter the gender, it always felt kind of off. Kind of, like I was acting and not being myself. I was acting like I enjoyed it, because that's what I thought people are feeling. At some point I thought everyone just acted like this and made those things up, so I went along with it. Closer to my twenties (that's where I am now) I stumbled over the term "asexuality". But I kind of ignored all the signs and disregarded it, because I was definitely not asexual! Or was I? No, it couldn't be. I watched porn, I masturbated, I wanted to finally experience sex, I was a very sexual person, so I pushed the asexuality debate away. Later, at some point I realized, that people didn't act like they had the hots - they actually, truly, really wanted to have sex and enjoyed it. Like they would actually undress someone in their mind or think about specific people while masturbating, not just say it sarcastically. People meant it. Do that know me of destroyed my whole understanding of how the world works. That's where I started to think I was asexual. But how am I supposed to know, whether I'm asexual, if I don't even know, what sexual attraction feels like? What if I experienced it and didn't recognize it yet? On the other hand, I never had the urge to actually have sex with an actual person, it seemed wrong, the better I liked a person, the more having sex with them seemed wrong. I still wanted to have sex thought. What if I liked it? I didn't want to be a virgin forever. So now, every time I found a person beautiful I thought about whether I wanted to have sex with them and it was like "well, I don't feel compelled or like I really need it, but I would try just for the sake of not being a virgin anymore". That meant I thought about sex a lot, because I was trying to figure out, if I feel sexual attraction or not. At some point the "do I want to bang this person"- thought was the first thing that popped up, whenever I met a new person. Also I never felt aroused by a person. I got aroused reading about a couple in a fanfic or movie, but that was not because I wanted to bang them. I was just really touched and enjoyed their relationship development and confusingly got aroused by that. Then I realized, that masturbating never had an emotional aspect for me, I just did it because it felt good and helped me fall asleep. It was kind of like watching TV. Sometimes I felt gross after doing it, wondering what the actual fuck I was doing and how weird it was. To sum up: I see beauty in all genders, I develop crushes on men, I probably feel no sexual attraction, but I'm still a sexual person. And it makes me crazy. I would love to be allosexual, I wish I was. I want to know what it feels like, because right now I feel like missing out on something great. But I can't change what I feel and it frustrates me very much. It's confusing.

Just wanted to get it out there, in case someone feels the same :)

[limelama-blog]

About bottling up

I'm almost 20 and I've never been in a relationship. I technically know, that I'm still young and have a lot of time and also great friends, but I can't help feeling lonely from time to time, seeing all my friends in happy relationships. I'm trying to be patient and act like it's not a big deal for me, because it shouldn't be; I'd joke about it and say how great single life is, but underneath I feel lonely anyway and it hurts. It's a very calm and slow pain, carefully but inevitably pushing the lungs down and isolating the head - like floating in a pool and getting dragged to the bottom. I'd lay flat on the ground and look up through the water, wondering how someone like me could be loved with all my egoism and grossness. I wouldn't know how to respond; I think I'd be uncomfortable, because I've never had the chance to learn how those things work. I'm not able to let go. It would be embarrassing. So maybe I'm purposefully ignoring all my chances to avoid embarrassment.

I guess a lot of people know how this feels, and many people have been in my situation before or still are - whatever it is, I just hope, someone can relate to this.

[limelama-blog]

Migraines

Migraines are like ninja assassins. Sometimes they attack without a warning and sometimes you can sense a so called "aura" in advance. An aura looks like colorful flashing light patches in your vision, they can be right in the center, at the sides or wherever of your vision field. So I woke up and saw weird shapes, like the ones you see when you look into a light for too long. I've never had this, so I assumed, that I accidentally drugged myself with dish soap. Thinking it would wear off after a while I left the house to get some business done. At some point I started feeling nauseous, so I tried to get home without puking on the street like a drunkard. At the same time a firework started to explode in my brain, stabbing the shit out of that helpless blob, it literally felt like crossfire from all the sides. On my way up the stairs to the FIFTH FUCKING FLOOR a smart part of me just grabbed a random bucket that was flooded with vomit as soon as I closed the door to the room. So close, man. So close...

So now you know what an aura is :'D

[limelama-blog]

Good Day

I finally found a room (praise the Dodos!), now I have to pass the time until I can move in. This severely fucks up my internal clock, like I'm waking up at noon, then somehow it is 3 pm and that's when I'll have breakfast. What a waste of time...so I actually got out of bed today and took a looong walk. At some point there was BREATHTAKING piano music coming from a window, made me stop, sit down and listen. Until someone closed the window. This actually made my day.

Oh and I saw a red squirrel...gazing into my soul.

[limelama-blog]

Opportunity

As I'm looking for a room to stay - a process that requires me to write dozens of "applications" just not to get any answers - the universe is kicking me into a whole new situation. I never planned on staying in the same apartment as my sister, but now there's someone moving out, so that I actually could stay here. It would be the most convenient and cheap way to solve my problem. I just don't know if I want to live here for a year. There are so many people I'd have to deal with on a regular basis during my private time...not to mention the fife floors I'd have to climb every day for at least two times. So it's like I got a treasure dumped over my head: so easy to take, but kind of not my decision.

[limelama-blog]

moving out

So I just moved out from my parents home. By bus. With one suitcase. Fortunately I can sleep at my sisters’ until I find a room somewhere in town. Right now this feels so unreal, like I’m detached from the whole experience, just observing. I want to do so many productive things right now, but somehow I’m stuck in this tiny room afraid of seeing a human outside the door. I don’t want to meet new people, I want to have new friends here. An hour ago I totally messed up a call when I asked for a small room an just hung up, because I forgot what I wanted to say. Feels like a sign from the universe - “Oi diddely turd, u could just give up, u know? ‘tis not gonna get better, ‘tis adulthood lil turd...they all just faking it...here turdy, watch this short documentary about making soap...ur attention span can’t handle more, u know?....shh...look how satisfying!...”