magicboobiess

[magicboobiess]

I have no where else to post this (or at least anywhere I would want to besides tumblr) as well as anyone to tell this to (I'd rather self reflect on it first.)

It's so easy to fall into a depression due to what other people can say and comment. Today I had someone make a comment about the way I responded to something, however it wasn't directly to me but rather to another person and I happened to over hear it. This is unrelated but the person asking me the question kept having to repeat themselves over and over as if needing reassurance and I just kept giving direct answers so I'm pretty sure they themselves felt something so they had to take it upon themselves to make a silly comment about my response. That last part sounds like mumbo jumbo but I hope someone understands. \

Anyways what I'm trying to get at is that even though it was a quick comment not even worth remembering for some reason it stuck with me. The reason it stuck with me is probably because even to this day I still don't know why people go out of their way to make fun of others. If people respected each other things would just be so much easier however that's not the case.

An interesting factoid or at least observation that I made about this is that the comment seemed to have altered my mood a lot. It made me be short with others around me and seemed to ruin my mood. I will say that thankfully this is not the first time I experience something like this and I feel I've grown. In regards to how I respond to situations such as this one, I found myself able to reel in my emotions. I made sure not to go off on anyone, I made sure not to direct any unwarranted anger towards anyone and I also made sure to do such as I am doing now and find an outlet to direct that emotion to.

Ever since becoming sober I'm better able to pin point exact emotions that I'm feeling. Prior to this I mostly always just felt numb even when I wasn't supposed to. Or I would numb out emotions I was feeling with substances. The thing is I finally feel that I've been able to reach a point of finally being present and able to be in tune to what's happening around me.

Point being I feel that I'm able to better handle my emotions and I'm finally present and as such I'm able to take note of things happening around me instead of just being very passive about everything. Also to the person that made that dumbass comment, be nicer and respect people. Just because you don't like your job or don't understand someone's communication style that doesn't give you liberty to be disrespectful towards others. Just a single comment by you can ruin someone's whole day I hope you know that. In a way though thank you for this as it was a good learning lesson in how to handle my emotions the correct way.

Lately I just jibber jabber so if this post made no sense to you I fully sympathize and understand.

Much love to everyone and I hope everyone is having a good day. Even that lady that made that silly comment.

Much love magicboobiess xoxoxo

[magicboobiess]

Dun dun dunnnn

When I get bored and I haven't talked to any of the homies in a while I start getting an itch to just buy stuff I don't need. I get in this mindless consumerism mode where I just surf the web until I get tired and eventually just buy something to make myself feel better about myself. I will say it has gotten better over the years and I'm better able to handle myself when I get like this. It used to be that I would rack up major credit card debt buying random things like shoes, shirts, jewelry as well as random technology.

I don't even know why I get like this but it helps to take track of it by writing it down.

Random but I've been working on myself these past few days/weeks and I feel that I've gotten pretty far myself.

[magicboobiess]

I have to admit it is kind of hard to actively try to love myself. The reason being that for so long I’ve not loved myself. It is true what they say that old habits die hard. After listening to that negative voice inside of myself for so long it’s kind of become a mainstay of sorts.

It’s easier to stay on the path of self hate since it’s already been paved and laid out before me. What I mean by that is that the neuron pathways for self hate have since been established. They are so polished that it’s easy to just default to that mode in my mind. However the neuron pathways for self love are non existent/barely there. So it is actively such a challenge to achieve that mindset of self love, since I have to actively engage In that, otherwise I’ll default to all my old thoughts.

Here’s to being able to build a new self love neuron high way.

[magicboobiess]

Im trying to find things I am happy about within myself so I’m going to start with the small stuff and maybe work my way up. This is my attempt at self love.

I really like the way that you ride your bike. You’re really really speedy, you also have really good coordination. The way you’re able to just weave in and out of obstacles is great! Also the way you’re able to just speed down the sidewalk just looks so fast when you do it.

Not to mention the fact that you’re able to do your own maintenance on them is amazing. I applaud you for that. Keep it up man

[magicboobiess]

Im going to start being nicer to myself, or at least give it a shot.

[magicboobiess]

You’ll have to stop the world just to stop the feeling? 🫨

[magicboobiess]

I… I fell off.

You know how celebrities have peaks in their careers where doors open for them left and right? They get all the brand deals, they do all the interviews, they have extreme adoration from the fans. They’re always traveling, making new friends, experiencing things most of us will never do. Then suddenly, drama, catastrophe, skeletons coming out of the closet.

They stop getting booked for roles, the fans turn on them. No more brand deals, they start gaining weight, they turn to drugs. Their old projects are shunned, interviews, canceled. Tours? All over no one wants to see them anymore. Their presence on social media, complete radio silence. The businesses they made, go bankrupt, the peaks they reached? They’re just looking up at what once was now.

Basically all of that minus being the celebrity part is pretty much what happened to me, I fell off and I fell off hard. The thing about life is that it’s good to be honest with yourself because if you live a lie then it’s harder to fix what’s broken once you eventually accept the truth. Truth being that nothing is the same anymore, and it’s just me by my lonesome save for my pets and the rents.

It’s brutal out here, knowing I once had everything I could’ve wanted and now it’s just poof 💨 into smoke. I go through moments like this where I just become a hermit and lose everything, it’s usually never by choice though.

To make a long story short like the introductory sentence stated.

I fell off.

[magicboobiess]

I’ve had many friends, but only one that mattered

-me after watching that one wicked trailer during the new Superman movie

[magicboobiess]

Growth?

I'm finally unsubscribing from all these emails, does this mean I am growing in the business sense?

[magicboobiess]

I am my most truest self on tumblr dot com. Everywhere else I am just a watered down version of my self

[magicboobiess]

A blog post a day (or every so often) keeps the doctor away.

[magicboobiess]

Way back when

I know school does not really matter in hindsight but when I was a senior my AP English(advanced placement). My teacher called my writing very "Trumpean" which I was to assume meant I use a lot of words and phrases in order to state the same point more than once. I'm not sure why but that's the only thing that really stuck with me from that class.

This thought just randomly keeps popping into my head.

[magicboobiess]

Tumblr is smart

Tumblr is really smart, it kinda knew I was depressed before even I did. All I did was put down hastags that represented how I was really feeling inside and bam! Instant diagnosis.

I jest, however it is nice though to know that the emotions I am feeling aren't necessarily "normal". Or at least might require attention from a professional. Anyways that's my two cents for today.

[magicboobiess]

As much as I like my friends and being with people I’m starting to learn that I don’t really mind when they go and do their own thing outside of me. As much as I try I’m just not that social person that likes having people around themselves all the time, or needs someone in order to feel fulfilled.

Hey I might be wrong and it may be a trauma response basically not wanting to have anyone around me. However as of late I honestly don’t really mind being by myself. A friend had called me and asked me to hang out, I entertained the phone call for a few hours however once they asked we hang out I simply said no. I have honestly lost motivation to be social and go out of my way to do things. I’m not sure if this means I’ll become more boring or what.

I’m just really focused on getting my finances together, plus I had gotten a check up and they found something medical about me that’s honestly got me super depressed. It’s been about 2-4 weeks since that diagnosis but even now it’s still got me down. This is honestly the longest my depression spell has ever gone for. I mostly just find motivation to wake up go to work, get some food and just go to bed.

I’m trying I really am but it feels like life has me by the neck right now and it’s getting hard to want to do much of anything. Maybe because I’m older now I’m actually able to at least verbalize those feelings and acknowledge them, I just simply am unable to do anything about them however.

Here’s to hoping I get better ❤️‍🩹

[magicboobiess]

I’d say it’s normal to be disappointed in oneself right? It’s human nature no? The thing is there’s a fine line between being disappointed in oneself and hating oneself. Disappointment I find can be changed or channeled into improving the self. However hating oneself usually only leads to more hate, self deprecation, self doubt, self esteem issues among other not so nice things. Food for thought or whateva

[magicboobiess]

Me to myself:

“Do you need to buy that? Or are you just trying to fill a void with mindless consumerism?”

[magicboobiess]

Omg I’ve been such a loyal customer to my phone provider. I didn’t even realize until today that I’ve been with my phone provider for six years now. That’s longer than any relationship I’ve ever had.

They also gave me a lil line for freee. So I found this old iPhone I had laying around and even though the back is cracked I was able to activate it and now I have to phones. 😎

Call me two phones Malone Ayee

I think I might have adhd tho since I’m kinda finding myself watching tik tok on my two phones at the same time. I think I’ve created a monster.

How cool though that a phone service provider is willing to just give out a line for free at no cost. I might start using my other phone to do video vlogs or something. We shall see.

Have a happy Sunday yall

Magicboobiess xoxo