mamasupernova

[mamasupernova]

I honestly give up on people who don’t care. You took me on like 6 dates, left flowers at my door on Valentine’s Day and then we’ve hung out once since. I’m so done. I’m so over it all.

This generation is hopeless. I’m not just an option. I’m worth every text, every drive, every minute of my time. Time is precious, so I think I’d rather be alone. Just friends and family. I find that people are unreliable and have a lack of energy to put into any form of communication. People are so dishonest and won’t just say that they’re not interested. They string you along and won’t communicate.

I’m so done with it. People are losers.

[mamasupernova]

The road is long and winding. I find my mind is going at 100 miles an hour consistently. Will I ever get a break from the exhausting anxiety within? How could I have done better? Is that the correct decision? How could I have responded correctly? Why do I care what they think? It’s endless.

The possibility that I did something right seems nonexistent. My mind is rotting with negativity. My thoughts weigh down on me like I’m carrying a mountain on my shoulders. But it’s my turn to decide.

How big and how heavy? When is enough? Once I’ve ripped all my hair out trying to get a grip on reality? No. I’m sick of feeling this way. So I’ll get up in the morning with bags under my eyes as if they carry my thoughts. When the sun shines I can embrace it or hide away in the cold. What will I do on this day?

The future is untold and my soul’s not been sold to the devil in my mind. As light shimmers through the cracks in my brain, of the joy I once had in my being. I refuse to live like this.

I stand up to fight the battle in my head, the monsters I created while in bed. Their faces I cannot see but their presence is one that still haunts me. They have no face but have names that we all at least know of. They call this group of shadows mental illness.

If I told you my story you’d probably wonder how I survived, but this is my message to you. There is always another side. Even if you feel like giving up remember the sun on your skin. The feeling of water trickling down your skin. The smell of a rose. The smile of a loved one.

Accept the hardship and let your life begin. There will be more but next time you’ll be more equipped. You can do anything. You are brave, strong, smart and kind. Believe in yourself and remember, the hardship will always end.

[mamasupernova]

✨

the universe has a plan for you, even if you can't see it yet.

[mamasupernova]

Silence.

All I could hear and all I could feel was silence. It gripped me like a moth to a flame. It engulfed my head, body and soul like a demon’s hands reaching out of the pits of hell. It’s like I screamed but all you could hear was silence. A gap in my being, the darkness swallowed me hole. And I kept falling into the depths of discomfort. It was uneasy, it was exhausting.

In person I looked like I was coping somewhat but underneath the surface, I trembled. I forgot what the sun felt like. I forgot how happy feels and I lingered in what once was. Every ounce of happiness drained from me like a glass now left empty. The hole left in my being as I scrambled to find any part of myself that I recognised from before. From before the pain and the lies, the hurt and defeat. I was trying to retrace my steps and find sense in how I survived before.

I tried to process it all. By Writing, talking, calling, drinking, playing ignorance. By grieving, mourning, denying and loosing my temper. When it was over it lingered but I accepted what was complete. The fight continues but only in my mind, the hatred of everything I left behind, the silence I had to accept. And after I wept I realised the sun would have to shine tomorrow. Through every trauma and trigger I bounced from confusion to angry to hatred to sadness to fear. The pain that was caused will always be there but that is a part of who I am now.

I am going to make it somehow. As the sun starts to shine once again and I feel it on my skin, it reminds me of how to feel alive. By playing outside with my little ones smile, makes me feel like they will never win. I’ll work on myself till I feel more complete and finally offer myself a seat. When I can look back and smile because all the while, I was fighting a battle I could potentially win.

So let my life begin. It will be loud and not silent, happy and not violent. My hand will be held once again, but not by theirs.

But one much smaller instead.

[mamasupernova]

I am here for a purpose. I have evolved with times and circumstances. The world is so wide, I feel so small in it and my mind is in a constant state of eruption. Forever attempting to better myself through the darkness within my mind. I have made many mistakes but you can’t change the past. In fact, even if I could I don’t think I would because the mistakes I’ve made and experiences I’ve had are shaping me everyday.

I guess I’m here to offload my mind. I’m looking to share what’s on my mind and just maybe find some people like me. I haven’t used tumblr in over 5 years so let’s see how this goes. Wish me luck!