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[maxvclark]

Matthew’s Ghost .2

“Ah… so what’re your plans tonight then?” asked Marin, holding her phone to her ear with her shoulder as she tightened a black apron around her waist. She waved her co-workers off, as they headed out of the coat room, then picked the phone up with her hand as she closed her locker.

Matthew was on the other line, throwing on a sport jacket, and straightening out his shirt, looking in the mirror. He combed through his hair with his free hand, and grabbed his keys, stuffing them in his jacket pocket casually.

“We’re going out to the bar,” he replied.

“Yeah, but didn’t you guys already go out a couple times this week?” asked Marin.

“Relax,” said Matthew. “It’s not like I’m going to get drunk and randomly make out with some girl-”

“Matthew,” Marin grimaced.

“I’m just kidding-”

“It’s been two years, could you not-?”

“Marin!” Andy, Marin’s co-worker, sprung into the coat room and interrupted the conversation. She pointed to her phone, but Andy ignored her gesture. “Family meal is bomb tonight, you’d better hurry up if you want some!”

Marin nodded and smiled at Andy, who winked at her and ran back out of the coat room.

“What was that?” asked Matthew.

“Just my co-worker, I’m running late. Can we talk about this later?” Marin answered.

“Sure, whatever,” said Matthew.

“Okay, be safe, and have a good night.”

“Yeah, night,” said Matthew, ending the call.

Marin dropped her phone into her apron pocket, and made her way up the stairs where Andy was waiting for her.

“Were you talking to your ex just now?” asked Andy, his tone seeming less than enthralled to hear the answer to which he appeared already well aware of.

“I mean… we’re trying to work things out,” Marin explained.

“Wasn’t this the guy who left you when you like… needed him the most?”

“We’re working on it,” Marin frowned. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“Don’t frown, Marin. I mean, you’re still cute, but it makes me sad,” Andy said, smiling down at Marin. She laughed and shook her head, a slight blush appearing on her face.

“And you know what, Marin? I never did go out and drunkenly hook up with some random,” Matthew said, sitting on his windowsill, looking out onto the city lights. He had changed into a slightly cleaner white T-shirt, and some loose pajama pants. She sat across from him, in the same blue dress from before, and sighed.

“I know that,” she said.

“I didn’t have to do that, you know? There were more than enough nights where I didn’t have to go home alone, and we weren’t even technically together. Still, I didn’t do it.”

“What do you want me to say, Matthew?”

“I don’t know, Marin. Does it matter?” he asked. “I don’t want you to say anything. I just wish you could’ve done the same for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You know what’s so stupid?” asked Matthew with a scoff. Marin said nothing, just looking at him to finish. “I feel like you should be sorry. But at the same time, it doesn’t really matter anyway, does it? It doesn’t change anything now. You apologizing for anything now is as useless as it’s ever been.”

“You’re such a dick, you know that?” asked Marin.

“Is that why you’re here?” Matthew asked, his arms folded across his chest. “Just to haunt me and remind me of what a dick I am?”

“Trust me, I’m not here for that,” said Marin. She cracked a smile at him. “You’ve always known how much of a dick you are without me having to tell you.”

Matthew laughed, conceding a smile to her as well.

After all these years, after everything that had happened, it was like the most important parts of her hadn’t changed at all. Somehow, she was still the easiest person to have a conversation with, and the most difficult person to hold a grudge against.

She had changed though, and Matthew could sense that much about her. He had changed too. The things that had stayed the same, and those things that had changed, had not brought them back together to this point… still, they were together.

“For the record,” Marin said, breaking the silence. “I don’t think the love we once had is the reason I’m here, because man if you want to talk about pointless…”

“Yeah, right,” Matthew agreed. The love we once had, he thought to himself

--

Installment 2 of Matthew’s Ghost is finally here, I know I said Mondays at 12 PM CST but I’ve got a lot going on currently(most of it is procrastination, sure, but some of it is important, I swear). I will try to post here bi-weekly though! To read installment 1 of this story, navigate here.

[maxvclark]

Matthew’s Ghost .1

“I wanted her to be the one for you… I really did. I'm sorry it didn't work out,” said Marin, sitting upon the windowsill, her back against its narrow frame, as the wind blew her wispy light brown hair about her face.

Her large, dark brown eyes were focused on the sprawling city outside, the summer sun setting late against the first September sky. Her light blue dress seemed to have a matching glow about it, as it it wrinkled with the breeze and clung to her petite body.

“You’re not sorry,” Matthew scoffed at her. He had his head hunched forward, arms crossed over his chest, as he looked down at the floor.

“How can you say that?” asked Marin, her frown genuine in her indignation. “You know that anything that hurts you breaks my heart!”

Frustrated, Matthew clasped his hands over his face, scratching against the dark beard that had been allowed to grow scruffy over the course of the last few weeks. He took in a deep breath to look directly at Marin, scowling.

She was as beautiful as she’d ever been, with those large, piercing almond eyes, and that olive, golden complexion. Her square jawline was softened by the lightness of her rounded cheekbones, complimented by her full, dark pink lips. This only irritated Matthew more, as it dawned on him the similarity she bore to Hayley, or rather that Hayley, who had come after, bore to her...

“You’ve never been okay with me being happy! Not with someone else!” he yelled. “You just expected me to wait around for you forever, while you ran off with God knows who, doing God knows what, trying to “figure yourself out” and never thought I would move on!”

“That's not true!” Marin said, her voice shaking as her eyes began to water.

“Of course it's true, because you're selfish, Marin! You've always been. You wanted me to tell you how much I loved you, show you how much I loved you, just so you could walk away!”

“Matthew-!”

“Well, you know what, Marin? I did move on. I learned to love someone else, loved someone else more than you! And... and now she's gone!”

Marin stared at Matthew angrily, tears now streaming down her face. He hadn't shaved for weeks. His short, dark brown hair was a ruffled mess. His clothes were stained with sweat, and his eyes dark and worn from lack of sleep.

“It’s been over four years, Matthew. If you moved on, if you really loved her more than me, then what am I doing here?” Marin replied.

Silence fell over the two, their silhouettes as imbalanced and mismatched as their relationship had been. She was a small figure, petite and unassuming, whilst Matthew stood at just over six feet tall, towering and fuming. Yet he appeared powerless before her.

She was right though… in a way. She was always at least half-right, which was annoying because it was always such a long conversation to prove that she was wrong. And it didn’t bear the guarantee that the end result was that either of you really believed she was wrong in any case, at all, in the first place.

But Matthew knew that she was at least half-right, and he too had to ask himself what she was doing there. He and Hayley had been broken up for months, and he’d only just discovered what happened to Marin a few weeks ago.

“We haven’t spoken for years, Matthew,” said Marin with a sigh, stepping down from the window, and wiping her face clear of her tears. “You cannot possibly blame me for whatever it was that happened between you two. Even less so, since you found out about me after you broke up.”

“That’s not-” Matthew began, but found himself lost for the words to continue.

“When you figure it out, I’ll be back,” said Marin. With that, her shadow faded, and her silhouette dissipated, as if swept away by the breeze of the open window. ---- This is the first installment of a new serial story I’m writing called Matthew’s Ghost. I will update every Monday around 12 PM CST. Matthew’s Ghost is the story of a man who is haunted by the ghost of his former lover, as he attempts to get over a recent breakup. He recalls their relationship, how it began, bright spots, rocky parts, and how after its end, it still carried into his next relationship. His ex-girlfriend’s ghost attempts to help him recover from his most recent heartbreak and move on, from the breakup, and ultimately, from her death.

[maxvclark]

2017 must be the year of change. Today I had to say goodbye to one of my oldest, young best friends and companion. Prince Tenchi, I didn't spend enough time or energy with you these last couple of years, thinking I had many more to make that up. I am heartbroken, but I am so thankful for the light you were in your brief time here with me, my little piece of heaven on earth. I'll try to do better about not taking for granted the time I have with the ones I love the most, never knowing what tomorrow brings. I love you, little love. May your beautiful little spirit Rest In Peace ❤

[maxvclark]

When someone says they don't love you, they aren't saying 'I don't love you right now,' they aren't saying 'I loved you before,' they aren't saying 'I don't know if/when I could love you,' they aren't saying 'I might love you later on.' Love is transformative, which means it still exists even when it changes. But, if someone can say to you 'I don't love you,' please, take them at their word, and understand that they never truly loved you to begin with. After all this time, I know it's hard to hear, hard to see, but this person is doing you a favor. Please, don't wait around to see if they 'change their mind' or think if you just 'give them enough space to see it' that this love will suddenly exist. It doesn't. That isn't love. They've freed you with these cold, cruel words. It's time to free yourself.

Words to a Friend.

[maxvclark]

The Silencer

When I was 20 years old, that was roughly six years ago, I wrote this novel before my first semester at college. I gave myself all of two months, and it was on a subject that I never quite took seriously.

I received some praise from the single editor that I ever had look over it, but never moved forward with the project for one reason or another: school, work, the sheer amount of editing that would make it even remotely publishable, it was the least favorite of projects I’d ever embarked upon.

But, now. Six years later, as I await word on representation on another project, I finally decided that maybe I should take another swing at editing this thing. And, while I wasn’t the best technical writer, and my first thought about how much work this was going to be was correct, the process has actually been quite enjoyable.

I honestly didn’t give myself enough credit when I was younger, and though I’ve grown so much as a writer now--it only aids me in what I need and want to accomplish as an author in the present. The writer I am now evolved from a pretty substantial foundation.

Never give up on your dreams kids. And don’t forget to remember where you came from, on that note.

[maxvclark]

Rant.

So, writing a blog post may seem counterproductive, considering I have so much on my plate. However, I feel like if I don't vent, I may just flip a table. Or, my cubicle.

Life just seemed easier when I wasn't so involved with everything, and work just feels overwhelming right now, when all I want to do is work on the Asa Chronicles.

I literally just want to take a week vacation, away from everything, just to sit back and write. No selling of homes, no writing letters to congressman, no measuring new homes, no birthday parties, no plays, no commissions, no spreadsheets for accounting and Japan, no meetings, no cleaning or making dinners, no volunteer work, no community building events, just nothing. But me, my laptop, and my ideas.

I've been working on the Asa chronicles since I was 11 years old. We are approaching then, 16 years on a single project. I have written, edited, rewritten, re-edited, taken a break from, and come back to, this one story for nearly two decades--and still I have nothing but drafts upon drafts to show for it.

But, this series, this story, this project, it is probably my heart and my soul. It's important that I get it right, down to the very last detail. It's my world, my characters, and it is filled with friendship, romance, adventure, magic, mystery, and more life lessons than I can remember. I think it's been taking so long, because I'm so afraid to mess it up. But, it does need to be finished.

I wonder when I'll have the freedom to pursue this dream of mine again. Makes me miss being selfish, makes me miss being a kid. I'm sure I'll figure it out though. All in due time.

[maxvclark]

2016 has brought a birth, a death, two weddings, a divorce, and one funeral, the sale of my childhood home, and the adventure to purchase my very first home as an adult--life seems to move so incredibly fast when you're 25. And suddenly I realize, I'm 26. There is so much that happened in a year, and the first 25 of mine feel like a flash. It is so telling of how much more life there is yet to live, from this point onwards.

06.29:2016 MT

[maxvclark]

Just in case you were wondering, kids. This is the reason you go to college. So you can converse to your 60 year old boss in meme form.

[maxvclark]

People are more concerned about a gorilla dying for the sake of saving a human child, than they are about setting a rapist free. Brock Turner is a rapist, getting off with 6 months in a county jail, 3 months if on 'good behavior' because of his privileged lifestyle. Where's your 'warrior of justice' outrage now? People are such cowards.

[maxvclark]

Every time I feel like I'm having a quarter-life crisis it's because of things like this: unfinished projects and ideas, that just needed more time and space to develop. But, life so often, almost always in fact, gets in the way.

I never knew how to be the starving artist. I knew to survive, and that required sacrifice. I don't want to say that I never followed my dreams, because I never really had the time to figure out exactly what those dreams were. Now, I just want the world to be a better place so that people can be free to not only pursue, but discover what these things are.

[maxvclark]

I really dislike pseudo-intellectuals, because there’s this wholly unnecessary arrogance about them that borders on superiority, which I find blatantly immoral. On the other hand, actual intellectuals both intrigue and intimidate me, because they make me question if I may in fact be the former. Therefore I hope to make friends with those of a simpler mindset.

[maxvclark]

Wonder.

The wonderful thing about children, is that they hear and learn profound things every day. So, we should never keep these wondrous thoughts from them, by keeping them to ourselves.

It is not that children forget, or do not cherish these valuable lessons; it is that adults forget, and in order to 'make room' for 'adult things' we lose some of these wonderful and awe inspiring things we stored up as children.

So share, all the great and beautiful things you have learned, with those who come after you. For it is these, that will appreciate with their lives the most from this. And do your best to maintain what that child had earned, before you became an adult.

[maxvclark]

Is it love, if it is not unconditional? Furthermore,is it okay to settle for a love that is not unconditional?

3.16:2016 MT

[maxvclark]

Sometimes, it takes more strength to let go, than to hold on. And I feel a little tired from all the fighting... fighting to be happy, to be healthy? But, I can't give up now. Until I've made it through this storm, it would be unwise to seek rest just yet. So, keep fighting. Keep getting stronger. Lean on your God, and do it for your soul.

3.15:2016 MT

[maxvclark]

Maybe things don't have to be as perfect as you want them? Maybe everything doesn't need to be fixed, right here, and right now? It isn't wrong to think about the future, or tomorrow--but, suppose that maybe it is wrong to lose today? We cannot control others, and we especially cannot control where the time goes. Sometimes, we cannot live, without letting go of this 'control' first. I've probably been wrong about... damn near everything, for the majority of my life. And that's okay, so long as I'm willing to admit, willing to be humbled and apologize when it's necessary, and more than anything, willing to learn and do better. That may be a challenge to accept, but it also may be one of the greatest things I will ever learn, and hope to accomplish.

03.14:2016 MT

[maxvclark]

Oh Mikey, I cried tears of joy for you when I read this.

I’m going through something of a rough patch myself right now, and your humble wisdom, in all your youth and vitality, is so refreshing. It was a much needed reminder, that I am responsible for my own happiness.

I wanted to text you, but it seems when I last changed phones, I didn’t make your number transfer. I just want you to know that I’m so proud of you, and I love you so much, and there is always a place for you in my life and heart, no matter how long it has been since we talked or saw each other. I’m so happy for you, and again so proud. Keep it up, Mikey. You are an inspiration.

Finding My Own Happiness

The second half of 2015 was probably the time in my life that I can truly say that I have found true serenity and happiness. Some people can go through their whole lives without finding [what I believe] is true happiness. It is different for everyone and is not something easily found. 

**Disclaimer: this is only my opinion, and I am only speaking from my own experiences. I am also word-vomiting everything on my mind so this might not be the most organized, concise, and grammatically correct post I’ve written…**

The majority of people go through life trying to find happiness in other things. Some people might find happiness in the amount of “likes” and followers they have on Instagram; another person may find happiness in “succeeding” in life (however they define success); someone else may find happiness in a significant other, and the list goes on.  This constant conquest in finding happiness oftentimes blinds us to what has been “hiding” in plain sight: ourselves. We spend so much time looking at the superficial things in life that may possibly bring us happiness, that we forget to find happiness within ourselves. 

What do I mean by finding happiness within ourselves? That is a difficult thing to pin point because it’s different for everyone. As most people know by now, I identify as gay, and the whole coming-out process has been a long and mentally draining journey. 

Quick backstory: My first boyfriend, I dated for a whole year in secret because we were both still in the closet with only a handful of our closest friends knowing. After that relationship, I started dating my second boyfriend. At this point, most people knew I was gay without me telling them (I’m not a big fan of making some big announcement via social media). Even then, though most people knew I was gay I still wasn’t 100% comfortable with myself. And on the Independence Day (ironically), we decided to end our relationship. 

Since the breakup, I have been on my own journey trying to find something/one that brings me happiness. Whether that may be drugs, alcohol, partying, making new friends, trying to get in shape, etc. I found that I was doing all of these things to fill in some void within me that I could not pin point. So what did I start to do? I started being okay with doing activities alone. I did my school work alone, I ate alone, I went to the gym alone, and I take random walks alone. When there might be many friends over at my apartment on campus, I was still okay with being holed up in my room alone. I wasn’t depressed or anything, I’m an extrovert…I LOVE being around people. But I started taking more of my time to take care of myself mentally without the reliance on external influences. Because I took all of this time to take care of myself, I was finally able to get to the point where I am now: being 100% comfortable with my identity. I literally don’t give a fuck about what people think of me nowadays and it is the most liberating feeling that I can completely be my authentic self around people without this fear of “what will they think of me if I do this?” 

I guess my take-home message that I’m trying to get at here is that people need to be able to find their own source of happiness WITHIN themselves. Because once we forget how to take care of ourselves and making ourself happy, we start looking towards others (significant others, friends, etc.) and making them responsible for our own happiness. 

(For example, saying “I did all of these things for YOU (significant other) to make YOU happy and make this relationship work and YOU are supposed to do this, this, and that to make ME happy!”)

No, honey. You have it all backwards. Be independent, find your own source of happiness, and take care of yourself before taking care of others. If you yourself are not happy, how do you expect to make someone else happy?

This was especially hard for me because of my love of being around other people that I have forgotten to take my own time to work on myself, my goals and my dreams.

I feel that this is a very difficult concept to truly understand. People can easily go around all day saying things like “I take care of myself,” “I am happy with how my life is right now,” but still not be truly happy. 

So my task to all of you (the few followers that I still have and to those that have the patience and time to actually read this long post) for the new year and all the new years to come is to take care of yourself in order to find your own source of happiness from within (whatever it may be) and not rely on other people and/or materialism for happiness by focusing on your dreams and your goals.

Cheers to 2016,

- Mikey

[maxvclark]

I'm sorry @jager_24 I had to share this #toofunny #waisttrainer #corset #beautyispain #fitlife? lmfao I'm dying 😹