mentallyilldaily

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 15: Hey Tumblr, been a while

Hey Tumblr, we were gone for a little bit but we're back!

Life's rough and currently have alot happening but trying our best to keep moving forwards.

-Jane

[mentallyilldaily]

Part 2 here's the other one (sorry it's out of order oof

[mentallyilldaily]

Been a few days! Here's some tiktoks for yall, hopefully will post another day post soon!

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 14: Life sucks, but hey. Let's have some coffee and think it through.

TRIGGER WARNING BEFORE READING: CONTAINS STUFF ABOUT RELAPSES AND BODY HEALTH

Today it's been alot. Our health has declined but got a little better after alot of sleep yesterday.

Mentally we're stabilizing a little bit at a time but it may not really get better until we speak to our therapist.

Physically? Well it's been rough, just got sick and the most gender dysphoria and paranoia inducing thing we get every month. But we're trying to take it easy and isolate.

Shits been hard. Really hard but we're trying to follow people's advice and take it easy. But the rooms becoming a mess, laundrys piling up and we want help, but we're scared to ask for it.

Than there's the relapse thoughts. We want to drown the pain away and the two ways it wants too is old issues we had. We don't wanna get worse so we've been ignoring it. But man is it hard to not think of it.

Luckily our amazing girlfriend has put in precautions so we don't hurt ourselves. All sharp objects and our Medications are out of reach and only she can give us our meds for a while. We're okay with that because we know it's for our safety.

We love her so much, she does help and we wish we could ask for more help but we don't wanna be a burden or bother to her right now. We also don't wanna bombard her with our feelings and thoughts and all sorts of shit.

When we're both stable I wanna have a talk with her.

But right now I can't stop thinking about her smile. Her cuddles and her taking care of me. Her spending time with me. Her speaking to me in that comforting tone.

We do love her very much, she has flaws even she doesn't notice sometimes but that's okay. We're all human and it'll take time. Just like with me.

We're in alot of pain, but at least we're able to think in a relatively stable state.

-Xavier

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 13 part 2: Never gets better

How is it when we try to communicate it never works? We're trying to research how to be better and communicate better because we just wanna try and help and communicate but the only thing that works is one sided which isn't healthy.

We don't know what to do and it feels like it's better if people are better without us. That maybe if we just let them go they can improve without us and we won't hurt them anymore.

We just want to help and comfort without making it one sided or upsetting anyone.

Do we just listen and only give advice and comments that's one sided?

Do we just let them leave or we leave so we can't hurt anyone?

What do we do?..

We feel so hopeless and this didn't make anything better from before.

Oh well.

Typing this means they'll see it so it might be best if we just don't. If we stay silent and just do research.

But we needed to get it off our chest.

It hurts.

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 13: Exhaustion

Today stated off drowsy and tired as hell, but hopefully it'll end better.

Update later

-Salem

[mentallyilldaily]

Do you ever just like, stare at the goif? What is she like? Sorry I'm just curious cause I like asking people about their partners, and you seem really happy with her!

Well it depends on who's fronting but most alters who are dating alters in their system 100% stare but only when she doesn't notice or is expecting it.

She's sweet, well intentioned and tries her best to help, has her flaws and sometimes makes mistakes and I try to be as patient as I can to understand her and how she works. I noticed since I'm very attentive I can understand her alot better than she does me, but that's okay.

I'm quite happy with my girlfriend in the goifs system but the body might be struggling a bit right now. -Xavier

[mentallyilldaily]

Polyfrag system here!

hey osddid tumblr my feed is getting stale if ur a osddid system rb or like this so I can follow lol (esp if c-did/polyfrag 👍)

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 12: Attempts at recovering

Yesterday we didn't go to school so we could mentally recharge.

Today we tried to make breakfast but it kinda didn't end up going our way, however the coffee was nice. We didn't have coffee cream so we used sugar, caramel syrup for ice cream, and half and half cream. It actually was really cozy and sweet coffee to warm our day.

Life's still fairly shit but we're trying to keep ourselves stable. People need us, they need us to be strong. We can't fall apart.

-Xavier

[mentallyilldaily]

Our tiktok. Also sensory lights + bedtime post

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 11: Down the cinderblock goes, let's see how long we can hold it up

Sorry it's been a few days, we've been really struggling as of late.

At school our teachers and the school social worker expects us to keep moving forwards and not take a break. But it hurts.

We feel our heart crumbling apart and we just have to hold it together letting the glass cut our skin so eventually it goes back together.

This past week has just been getting worse and worse and it seems so hopeless, but, people expect us to keep going forwards, expect us to get up instantly, expect us to agree to all they say and we're tired. We're so tired and hurt but forcing ourselves to be fine. Forcing ourselves to smile and go to school cuz it's what people want. Forcing to fit in all the time and no place to feel like we can just have a full blown meltdown.

Xavier says he's scared we're gonna snap and break or have a public meltdown.

But to be honest, I don't know If it'll happen. I don't know if it wont.

Im scared if it does though.

I don't know what to do.

So much to say and tell and talk but, never enough words or patience or time to do so.

We just want this pain to end.

-Azrael

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 10: Shroomie goes to school.

Today Shroomie had to come out of our bag because we needed a calm down. People gave us judgy looks but we don't care he's working.

Today were doing research on caring for mental and physical health so I guess he's a great example for us???

Either way we went skating and now are working on schoolwork. Shroomie is helping alot.

-Clumsy

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 9: Cleaning!

Today was tough, alot of downs, stress, and words spoken and to be said. However a positive is that we got too organize our stuff, helped destress seeing everything have a place. The image is our little spot for all our extra plushies, helped us realize how much we're attached to them. Our goif and us joke about it being from childhood trauma. I don't disagree though.

Even got to talk about our dream aesthetic and house. It was a nice end to the day after so much stress and trauma triggers making us paranoid.

Hope tomorrow's better!

-Salem

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 8: Fears and relief

Today goifriend had to take us out in the woods to smack frozen mushrooms off of trees because we were having a panic attack even thinking about going home.

Were scared but they did nothing wrong. Our girlfriend says our trauma makes it hard for us to trust and that it's okay that we won't trust them yet and it's their problem if they're upset about it.

We feel like crying or curling up in a ball and sleeping.

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 7: New week New worries

We forgot to post for a little bit, sorry about that everyone, anyways today we're posting this before school.

We got so much to do that I'm genuinely a little tired of being so worried. Anxiety isn't as bad as I expected but it's probably the medicine. So, it's good it's working?? 🤷‍♂️ -Sal

[mentallyilldaily]

Day 6: Productivity and Bacon

Today started off amazing, we made bacon,eggs, and toast for brunch than made a TON of calls to important places and people.

Feels nice to be productive but we kinda wish we would be motivated to do more physical chores. Though it's just not one of those days. -Xavier

[mentallyilldaily]

5 posts!

First Milestone!

5 posts may not be much or all too special but it's one step along the paveway of life