mirrorvom

[mirrorvom]

A letter to my past self.

Dear old me,

Here are all the things you need to hear.

You are loved

And you are loveable,

Even when you don't feel it.

Your loneliness will eat away at you,

But you are not alone.

Even when you are feeling jaded,

Even when the world gives you every reason to be,

It costs nothing to be kind.

Kind to your mum because she is trying,

Kind to your siblings who are hurting,

Kind to your dad because he's lost,

And most importantly,

Kind to yourself.

Trust your gut,

And stay open minded.

Be open to new experiences,

To different perspectives,

To alternative possibilities.

Don't be rigid.

Life is boring when you're rigid,

And you'll see the beauty in it

When you start experiencing new things.

P.S.

Keep living.

You're doing your best.

I see that and

I see you.

[mirrorvom]

"Hindsight is twenty twenty."

At least that's how the adage goes. And to be frank, I didn't gain hindsight until I was 20.

When I was 14, my parents split. At the time, I remember thinking that I was unaffected and completely okay, but to be honest with you when I look back I realise I really wasn't.

I withdrew from my friends and family, I was extremely depressed, I stopped engaging in my hobbies, I had an eating disorder. And I feel so bad for little 14-18 year old me who was really going through it all on my own. I don't know if I even fully understand the ongoing impact of that time period on me.

During that time period I was so angry and I would lash out at everyone. No one was safe from my short temper and my wrath. Especially not my mother.

I was so frustrated with my mum. I would get frustrated if she was late picking me up from school, frustrated if we didn't have food in the fridge, frustrated if the house was a mess, frustrated that we didn't have money.

I would compare my mum to other people who were her age, but who were eons more successful. People who could hold down a job, a relationship, who were able to provide a comfortable living for their families. In my mind, my mum was not successful or hardworking.

But hindsight really is twenty twenty. Because I didn't realise until I was 20 that my mum was simply trying her best. She was working at a grocery store but her depression made it hard for her to keep going. She didn't have money but when she did, she would try to spend it on her kids. Spend it on us in a way that made us happy.

While I didn't agree with how my mum chose to spend her money, I understand that she was doing her best, and I really do appreciate everything she did for me and for my siblings back then.

And I am equally frustrated with my dad who had the means to provide for us, and to ensure that our situation was not that difficult or dire during that period of time, but who chose not to. Because helping his three kids would have meant also helping his ex wife who he decided he hated.

Both my parents acted sub optimally during this time. But I understand that my mum was just trying her best to pay the bills, the mortgage, buy groceries, cook and do all the rest of it for us while we were still teens in high school. She never even expected us to work, to buy things for ourselves, even though that would have been the quickest way to relieve some of the pressure off of herself.

All this to say that I appreciate my mum and everything she did and went through during that period of time. And I'm sorry for everything she had to go through.

I'm glad that those hellish years are behind us now.

[mirrorvom]

Uncertainty

Colours my daily life,

Colours all aspects of it in sepia tones,

Or maybe superimposes a monochromatic filter.

When I see myself in the mirror

I am unsure of what I see,

What I once saw,

What I will one day see.

I find myself asking:

Who am I and

Who do I want to become and

Who am I okay with being

Just in case my plan A

Falls through.

Its funny I think, to find myself

At this cross roads that many people

Encounter when they graduate highschool.

I have graduated long ago,

And yet I am visiting this uncertain place

For the first time.

[mirrorvom]

I long for the warm feeling

Of yellow. For the feeling

Of the summer sun on my skin,

Turning me bronze as I

Lay on lush green grass,

The moist soft soil beneath me

Staining my jeans.

I long to gaze up at Jacaranda trees,

Whose brilliant purple flowers

Shade me from the cloudless sky.

I long to listen to the birds warble and trill,

While I sit on a blanket by a river,

And watch as the river rushes by,

Its water a welcome cold contrast

To the summer sun.

Instead, I watch as my sunflowers

Slowly shrivel and dry

Under the harsh winter cold,

Their leaves and petals unsaturated

From a lack of sun.

[mirrorvom]

I feel so fucking alone

[mirrorvom]

I long

To be longed for.

Long to have someone to

Come home to,

To prattle on and on about my day,

While we both sip on cups of tea

That were once steaming hot,

But are now cooler than the moon.

I long

To wake up beside someone

Who is as excited to see me

As I am them,

Unsure as to whether they are

Still asleep, or if this is really

A reality that's theirs.

I long

For a hand to hold,

For eyes to gaze into,

For a nose that will brush my own,

For a mouth to kiss.

I long

For someone whose cup

I can freely pour into

While never fearing

That they will leave mine

Empty.

[mirrorvom]

Rivers

Carve permanent grooves into

The skin of the earth,

And the rains

Run off

Disfigures natural landscapes,

Wearing them down over time.

Water is considered

Healing

A source of life

That every organism

Relies on in one way

Or the other,

And yet

It is when a volcano

Erupts,

When tectonic plates

Cause the earth to quiver,

To shake

That causes land

To be created.

[mirrorvom]

I am easier to love

From a distance.

[mirrorvom]

Aging is inevitable.

One day, I will look in the mirror

And see all the signs that I have lived.

My once smooth skin

will be creased and crinkled and

I will have lines around my mouth,

My eyes, between my brows.

I will have wrinkly hands,

Saggy arms and peppered hair.

Walking up the stairs will become an effort,

And people will offer me priority seating

On buses, trams and trains.

I will need glasses for short vision,

Even though I currently wear them

For distance, and I will wonder

Where my youth went.

I cannot slow the progression of time

But I can try to enjoy it,

Before I look back and

Regret it.

[mirrorvom]

Difficult.

I know that I am difficult.

I am difficult to love

Because I am difficult to approach,

Difficult to talk to.

I am difficult to be friends with,

Difficult to relate to,

Difficult to help.

Just difficult.

[mirrorvom]

The sun is setting again

[mirrorvom]

I haven't felt numb in a while and I really hate this feeling. Hate feeling myself succumb to this emptiness.

They say history repeats itself, and if this adage is to prove itself correct, then this is the reverse of the calm before the storm. It is the emotion before the grey.

Or perhaps I am already in the grey.

[mirrorvom]

Misfortune

Follows me like a mist.

Distorts my

Perception of the world,

Of my lot in life.

And maybe this is as good as it gets.

And I just have to be okay with that.

[mirrorvom]

I long for a day

When the air does not suffocate me.

I long for green grass,

A warm sun, the shade of tall trees.

Long for peals of laughter

To be carried away by a light breeze.

I long for grass stained jeans,

A comfortable silence.

Long for life's stressors to be

But a distant memory.

I long for a day

When the water carries me away

And helps me breath.

[mirrorvom]

Embrace the morning glory,

The big, beautiful sun.

His light grows and he

Piques over the horizon.

Feel his warmth as his light

Wakes you gently from your dreams.

Yawn as you brew your

Cup of tea and reflect

On your life.

Fill your heart with hopes.

You may be alone this morning,

But you are not lonely.

Embrace the morning glory,

The big, beautiful sun.

[mirrorvom]

I am drowning beneath

Waves upon waves.

The stormy seas knock me down

Each time I try to surface.

It has been days

Since I have seen the light.

[mirrorvom]

I cradle the shards of your

Soul, hold them close.

Why does it hurt to show you

Tender love,

To spoil you the way I wish to be

Spoiled, to offer you curated

Consideration, no strings attached.

My own heart swells,

Pumping me with endless love

To be given to you,

To everyone but myself.

One day, I will return

The sharpness of your soul,

Knowing a piece of my own is

Lost within it.

And you will be none the wiser.