misacries

[misacries]

I’m so broken, I’m starting to think I was born this way.

[misacries]

I know I’m not appreciated. I know everything I do isn’t appreciated even when I try so hard. I put everything aside so that I can throw myself into something for other people, and it’s just wasted. I do the most and for what? It’s all for nothing. I know I should be appreciated, but I’m just tolerated. It’s so exhausting. I exhaust myself for other people and I get nothing in return.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re hurting me. You’re taking something I really love away from me and leaving me in the dark. I’m unsure of the outcome of this situation and i hate that. I hate not knowing. I hate having my feelings in someone else’s hands. I’m just anxiously waiting for a reply that might never come.

[misacries]

I’m so sick of feeling like shit. I hate feeling sad and dull and awful for no reason. At least give me something to cry over, something to deal with. Challenge me, don’t just make me sit in useless pain. Give me something to be upset about rather than feeling my heart crush without knowing why the feeling is there. There’s no reason for me to feel like this. Life is fine. Why do I have to be in pain when things are finally going somewhat my way? I have no reason to feel this way. It’s the worst. I’d rather be sad about something. I hate this part of depression. I mean I hate all of it, but I prefer the nights where I get sad about something. I can’t get sad about my dad or siblings since I’m going to see them soon. I can only be sad about the lost time which is exhausting. There’s nothing, no one hurting me. I’d rather be hurt than just sit in pain. How can I heal a bullet wound if I was never shot?

[misacries]

after 13 years

so i was just on the phone with my dad and he was talking about the little party we had on saturday after graduation and he was saying it was fun and that my step mom behaved, which i mean yeah that's true she wasn't rude or anything and let my siblings do what they wanted, but she's just boring as it is tbh. but like why i'm talking about this is because he was saying that in the car she got a little bit emotional (she rarely gets emotional besides when she's drunk which she wasn't). he said that she was emotional and saying that she wants to see me more and everyone else to see me more, and that I'm a good kid and something about the way i looked at her? which like i didn't notice it at the time, but my interal feelings about her are so weird because i went years without giving a shit until september when my dad said that she said she missed me and things like that which made me super emotional and actually fucked up for a couple weeks. i think it's because i always wanted a relationship with her since my relationship with my mom was never like a mom and a daughter, i never had that maternal bond to my mom ever since i was a baby (my therapist told me about it and it was because my mom was on drugs and drinking when i was little and then got sick so my dad took care of me all the time which explains why i never had that bond to her and have always felt differently towards my dad which fucking sucks because the one that was kept away from me was the one that actually felt like a parent, but i digress). so i guess i was just searching for next best thing which is supposed to be my step mom since she's supposed to be like a mom to me and i saw her a lot growing up, but she turned out to be a psycho bitch and isn't even really maternal to her own kids so bad luck for me. but i'm usually fine whenever things are normal like i can handle not having a relationship with her, i know she was in the wrong my entire childhood and that kinda thing, but i think that it's whenever the topic or possibility of her caring comes up that part of me that wanted a relationship so badly flares up again. like she's known me since i was 5 and i used to go to her house every weekend from 5/6 to 13 so it makes sense to want something from her, especially when seeing online how some kids have step parents and they're so great it's like having another mom, even though her personality is so basic. and like i guess i might have looked at her in the way she thought because my dad already brought those up the topic of her caring and i was thinking about it the night before, but i just don't know what to do honestly. i don't feel particularly torn up or like i'm gonna spiral like the last time since i grew, but it's still weird. my dad said to me "it only took 15 years" (13 but) which is true. like maybe because i don't live with my mom and that obviously means something happened between us, she's willing to have a relationship with me? or wants to? i mean i'm not going to get my hopes up because this could easily just disappear, but i needed to talk about it. if they wanted me to go over there more often i'm sure i would because of my siblings but it's just weird, like something finally got through to her that i'm not my mom and i'm just a kid? i don't even know

[misacries]

little girl

tomorrow i am graduating. i will be done with high school forever and i will never need to go back there again. it’s exciting to be done with high school because i fucking hated it, but there were sometimes that were fun during school when i was actually there in person. there will be a few people that i will miss seeing too. 

the good thing about graduating is the closure. i’ve been in public school for a long time and in this school for 4 years, so having something to show that it’s over is nice closure. i feel like i’ll be sad even though i hated high school and i’m ending it with less friends than i started with, but i get attached easily and big changes can make me sad. i’m also nervous. nervous about how i’ll look in pictures, about my stupid ass mom being there, about the party after and who will be there, about messing up while walking, about having hundreds of people’s attention entirely on me for a couple seconds, really nervous about how i will look in pictures. but there’s one thing i am the most scared about.

my dad. he says he is going tomorrow. he says he is going and he’s excited, but he is also working in the morning. sometimes he works past 4 even on saturdays which is supposed to be a shorter day. my graduation starts at 4. if he finishes work at 5, he won’t make it in time. if he finished at 4 he wouldn’t make it in time. he says he will be there and other family members are saying he will be there, but how much trust can you put in a man who has said those exact words to you numerous times. he told me he would be at the games when i did cheerleading; he never came to one in the three years i did it, but he made it to all my step brother’s football games when he played for the same team the year after. there have been countless times he said he would be somewhere, but wasn’t. he said he would make it, but didn’t. few times when he did make it to a family gathering, he was late, and he didn’t bring my siblings, just my step mom. countless times i was standing alone outside in the driveway waiting, hoping, wishing, praying that he would show up. that he would be there for me. but he wasn’t. or looking back during cheerleading, hoping i would see him there. but i didn’t. so many times i was stuck standing there, alone outside in the driveway, crying to myself because my dad didn’t show up. he said he would be there, he said he would try, but he wasn’t there. even little things like saying he would be near my house and he could pick me up to go for a drive and he would call me in the morning, but he never called. as if he was too scared to face the truth of having disappointed me. not even a call to say he wasn’t going by my house. 

now, the times i was alone outside in the driveway, i was younger. i was usually a kid. the few more recent times he had been late, without my siblings, but with my step mom. the last time he said he would bring the kids and not her, but he did the opposite of course, even though it had to of been because of her. but i’m 18 now. i’m 18 years old and it’s my last thing he can come to besides my wedding. he has been stringing me along for years, but he says he will be there. he says he will. but i’m 18 now and i don’t want to be standing there in my stupid cap and gown, crying like when i was little because he said he would be there, but he’s not here. he couldn’t work around his schedule. he couldn’t tell his wife that this is important and he can’t miss it. i don’t want to be alone outside in the driveway at 18 years old, crying because he didn’t go to the party. that he couldn’t stand up to his fucking wife enough to say that he wants to go to that fucking party. or that he said he would try to bring my siblings but he didn’t or he couldn’t. he couldn’t tell her that they should be there to see me after i graduate since they actually went to my step sister’s graduation. they aren’t going to mine, so the least my dad could do is bring them to the fucking party. i don’t even give a shit about the party. i don’t care. i don’t think graduating is that fucking exciting. i barely passed in the end and my grades aren’t as good as my family thinks they are. i don’t like all that attention. i don’t even want my family there, but i’m supposed to. i’m supposed to be proud and happy about tomorrow and want all my family there, but i don’t fucking care. i just want my diploma. i don’t want that party, but i’m supposed to. i don’t want to see my all that fucking family and have everyone ask me about college and ask me the same fucking questions that i don’t want to answer. but i’m supposed to. i just want my fucking dad to be there since other family will be there and i actually like my dad. i like my grandma, but she kind of makes it about her. not like literally, but she is a bit controlling. she forced me into going because she wants to see me graduate. i just want my dad to fucking show up for something. i only said yes to the party because i want to see my cousins and my dad and my siblings. i really want to see my siblings. i don’t want to be outside crying like when i was little because my dad isn’t there at my dumb fucking party. i don’t want to be that little girl. fuck i hate how when it comes to my stupid dad i’m still that little girl. the little girl who wants him to be proud and to be there and to show people like “hi this is my dad that i never fucking talk about because i never fucking see him” or “that i cry about all the fucking time because [...].” i’m still that little girl who wants her dad’s attention and i fucking hate it. i don’t want to be that little girl. that little girl went through so much pain. that little girl wishes her cunt ass step mom gave a single shit about her, but she doesn’t. she doesn’t care. she doesn’t want to see me graduate. she probably doesn’t even want my dad to see me graduate. i hate that after 13 fucking years of abuse sometimes i still wish she loved me. that i got a mom out of her, and i could go over there more often, and have a real relationship with my dad and siblings. my dad will say she loves me and she said that and she said she missed me, but it has to be bullshit. if she loved me why doesn’t she let me see any of them? why does she not want to see me? it’s bullshit and i hate it. i hate when he says that shit because i feel like that little girl who wants her step mom to love her and i’m fucking 18 years old. i hate that shit. i hate that. i don’t fucking want her to be there, but part of me wishes she fucking gave a shit. at least enough to let my siblings go. she never says happy birthday or whatever holiday it is. she never gave a shit about anything i did. i fucking hate her and i fucking hate myself for having that piece of me. 

if my dad doesn’t go to my graduation, or the party and bring my siblings i am going to freak out. i will freak out at him and i will do it in front of so many people if i have to, if he doesn’t bring my siblings. if he doesn’t fucking go, i’m going to tell him all of that shit he is scared for me to tell him. or at least fucking something. i will yell at him if he doesn’t go to the party. i don’t want to be that little fucking girl anymore for fuck’s sake. i want to be me, i want to be 18, i want to leave all this shit behind tomorrow. i don’t want this. i don’t want to be little and small. i don’t even know what i’ll do. i already feel mad as if it already happened and he already disappointed me. 

i’m so sick of being disappointed.

[misacries]

feelings formula

i hate how feelings don’t make sense. there’s not always a reason for how we feel or a way to figure out why and how to make it go away. there’s no formula for happiness and there’s no equation that i can solve to get rid of useless thoughts. this is why i like math so much. all you need to do is understand how to use the formula, and you can figure out almost any equation (almost any because of course outliers exist and there can be wacky numbers, but i digress). you can’t do that with other subjects unless they involve math, and you certainly can’t do that with feelings. i wish you could. i wish i could use the logical side of my brain to rationalise all of my thoughts and feelings. i’m good at being logical, but that can make it hard for me to understand that someone doesn’t need logic in that situation, they just need understanding and comfort. i’m so used to talking myself through anxiety and panic attacks that i think it’s the right thing to do when, for everyone else, it’s probably not. i can’t comfort myself, i just rationalise. i tell myself that there’s no real threat, and i’m going to get over this or through this situation. when i would go to my dad’s house i would say just two nights and then i get to go home. friday night to sunday then i have the rest of the week away from that place. that’s how i dealt with the anxiety and pain of being there since i didn’t have any real comfort. but you can’t rationalise emotions and that’s why they are so annoying.

[misacries]

...

tw: self harm, suicide

it seems as though during each chunk of my life i think things will get better after i just go over this last hurtle, that i can just rest after this last mile, but each time, they just move the finish line. i feel like i’m chasing something that’s not there, that i was being naïve every time i said it would get better after this. just one last thing then i’m done, but it’s been years. sure, things right now aren’t as bad as two months ago, but that doesn’t mean they’re good. that doesn’t mean i want to deal with this. it’s been 18 years, so even though things are better, the fact that they’re still not good or even manageable is exhausting. i can’t even have a good day let alone a good week. i haven’t had a good week in my life. ever since that day i’ve been broken. my dad left to start a new family, just for not only my dad, but my dad and my half siblings to be torn from me. leaving me for your shitty wife is one thing, but bringing me and letting me absolutely adore my siblings, only for her to rip me apart from them, is so much worse. he can’t even just fucking say that she’s been bad to me. he can’t admit it. everyone knows, people have told me that he has said she’s mean to me before. that he didn’t know why she was so mean to me and that he didn’t know what to do. his second wife was mentally attacking his first born child and he didn’t know what to do... so he did nothing. he should have stood up to her, it’s not hard to see who’s in the wrong. a 33 year old woman versus a 7 year old child. a 33 year old woman who is actively trying to hurt a 7 year old who doesn’t know anything better than just taking it. but he didn’t know what to do. he was in a bad position. his second wife was bullying his daughter, but HE didn’t know what to do. fuck, dad, you’re the only one who could have done something. you’re the one who knew first, you’re the one who watched, you’re the one who kept silent, you’re the one who let me get bullied by a grown woman for years. no one else could have said anything. you were in a bad position, but i was having my self worth shattered as you cried about not knowing what to do. i was getting scars that will last until i die, but what did you say? what did you do? did you miss my cries? my pleads for help? i was begging you, please dad, save me. get me out of here, i’m scared and it hurts. i’m being torn apart, i’m being abused. but you couldn’t say anything. i know you saw it. i thought you didn’t but now i know you did. why didn’t you save me? i told you so many times. do you not remember? are you deaf, are you blind? do you forget my calls, my letters, my fears, my cries, my breakdowns? the times i blew up right in your face? the times i scarred myself for this pain. i mutilated myself because my dad didn’t know what to do. because my dad couldn’t stand up for me. i don’t even want to ask why, because it doesn’t matter. i know you were scared, but think about me. i was nothing yet. i was just a slate, cracked but i would have survived. i could have dealt with mom if i had my dad. why is it that the better parent was the one to hand over the knife? why is the one who cares, the one who watched her take a swing? you’re a better parent than my mom and i hate you for it. i hate that you’re not a bad person. i hate that i know you can be a good dad. i hate that i’ve seen it. i hate that i feel like a little kid every saturday when i get to barely spend an hour with you in your work truck. i hate that i could never hate you. i hate that i’ve tried for years to get to you. i lost all my confidence because of that woman. all my self worth was gone and it still is, but the second i got a bit of confidence i used it to tell you. to make you listen to me. i went right for you, but you didn’t change. i had your mom call you because i was hysterical. all i could say was that i wanted my dad back. after years. years of the sidelines in your life, years of being last choice, of being forgotten about, all i wanted was my dad after you let me get thrown away again and again. i hate that i still want you. i hate that all i want is not just for any dad, but for you to be my dad. i shouldn’t want you. i’m crazy for even talking to you. i stopped going to your house when i was 13, but you haven’t spent time with my regularly since then and i’m 18. fuck, dad, i’m 18. you waited until i was 18. you waited years, you waited 13 years, since the day you left, to just spend an hour with me on saturdays when you’re in your work truck working. you waited 13 years to still keep our time together a secret. you left me freezing in the cold just to do nothing. just to do something you could have done the whole time. you could’ve started picking me up when i was 13. maybe then you would know who i am. you don’t know who i even am. dad, who am i? what am i? i can’t be real in your head. time goes by when we aren’t seeing each other. do you think time goes by fast? that i grew up fast? maybe it’s because you missed most of it. you treat your step kids better than me. i never deserved to be isolated from my own fucking family. i deserve an equal relationship with my siblings. i can’t even remember a single time where you took me to do something, to spend real time with me. it was only ever during work. you could never just tell her. stand up to her. it took your mother telling you that i hurt myself because of you, that i tried to kill myself because of you for you to do what? for you to see me while you’re working. it took you being told that the reason i ended up in the hospital that time, the time you told me i was dramatic, that she wasn’t bad to me, that i needed to relax and didn’t even visit me because she was in the room, was because of you. i called you because i wanted my dad there. i needed my dad when i wanted to die forever because of the pain you cause me, but you didn’t because you put her first. i don’t regret her hearing me call her a bitch and calling you her slave, but after i stopped talking to you, i wished i didn’t tell my mom. i wished that i didn’t get scared and tell her to come home. i wished that i went along with it. it took knowing that i tried to die because of you for you to do something you could’ve done the whole time. i shouldn’t forgive you. i shouldn’t even talk to you ever again. i should tell you all of this, show you call the pain you caused me and the pain you let her cause me. i should scream at you and curse you at to show you how bad you hurt your first born daughter. but i can’t. i can’t because i know you’re weak. i know you would be too scared to talk to me. i can’t because i’m weak. because after all this time, all this pain and betrayal, i’m still the little kid who just wants their dad. i’m still the little kid that thinks you’re the whole world. i’m still small and clueless, wanting my dad to show me everything about everything. i still see parts of me that are like you. i still get happy when people say i act like you. i still want you to be proud of me. i still want you to know me. i still want you to love me. after all the trauma and pain, i still just want my dad.

[misacries]

who am i?

i can physically and emotionally feel my heart breaking. i don’t know who i am. i don’t feel like me. i feel like i’ve been wiped clean. i know i’m not okay, but no one knows. no one knows the truth about how i feel. who am i? who was i? who would i be if the trauma never happened? what would i be like if i were always happy? was i cursed or blessed? i feel cursed. i feel like i’m getting worse. i can’t even think in this moment. i need someone to save me, but no one can hear me.

[misacries]

what the fuck

the whole world is full of shit. everyone sucks except like one person?? everyone who’s an adult in my family sucks and the same goes for her. it doesn’t matter what people do to you, it’s what you do to them. oh wrong me, you’re an ass, but i wrong you? oh stop you’re so selfish. no one cares and no one thinks about anyone, but themselves. you can’t do what you want, you have to do it for them. it’s not your choice it’s theirs. don’t be selfish, they’ve done so much for you. you’re being ungrateful, you’re being a brat. stop thinking about yourself. you can’t live your life for yourself or how you want to, you have to live for them. they don’t care about you. it’s that easy. they care for themselves, that’s it. you can’t mess up, but they play the blame game. they’re irresponsible. they can’t worry about themselves enough to leave you ALONE.

[misacries]

nothingness

recently i have been feeling nothing. lots and lots of emotionless hours. i do get sad too, earlier i was sad, but it’s never a real sad. like maybe i feel as though i can cry, but i don’t. if i’m just apathetic or have dull melancholy sadness, what’s the fucking point? it’s not like i can release it. it’s not like there’s something on my mind that i can just dive my thoughts into for a while until i eventually come down from the sadness and feel normal. i hate it. it’s so much worse. i’d rather have something to be upset about for fuck’s sake. it’s like a ruined orgasm in the most literal way possible. all this build up for nothing? you’re teasing me just to leave it at that? where’s the release? where will all this tension go? what the fuck is the fun in that? like sure you don’t have sex to cum and you don’t get sad to cry, but you expect it to happen. it doesn’t feel as good if you don’t. you’re just stuck laying there like, great what was that for again? and the feeling is still kinda there. i just want to fucking cry. i hate being dull or apathetic because it’s nothing all the time. constant nothingness. i’d rather be fucking sad and sobbing, but get happy moments than just be fucking useless all the time. it sucks. and also i don’t know how to get rid of it. it’s like a fucking period stain. once it’s there oh no your underwear is ruined, yeah that’s my fucking mood, and i can’t buy another one. i guess writing it helps, but it won’t fix it either. bullshit. i don’t even enjoy doing anything. i think i lost myself again a little bit i don’t fucking know. i don’t even know what to go with my time. the only game i play is genshin and i’m so sick of it right now. the other games i have i don’t want to play either so this is really fun. i’m just stuck being bored which puts me into this mood that i can’t get out of because i have nothing to fucking do. for fuck’s sake i don’t know.

[misacries]

hey dad,

why did you leave me out in the cold? my fingers are frosted and my tears freeze as they fall, just searching for your love. did you sell your soul at the price of a first daughter’s love? sacrifice my needs for eternal glory?

i just want my dad.

love, forgotten child.

[misacries]

[misacries]

The Lakes

Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me? I'm not cut out for all these cynical clones These hunters with cell phones

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm setting off, but not without my muse

What should be over burrowed under my skin In heart-stopping waves of hurt I've come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze Tell me what are my words worth

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm setting off, but not without my muse

I want auroras and sad prose I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet 'Cause I haven't moved in years And I want you right here A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground With no one around to tweet it While I bathe in cliffside pools With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm setting off, but not without my muse No, not without you