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We had to say goodbye to Garbo on Wednesday.

I’m struggling to find words to describe how I’m doing. I don’t want to be doing at all. I want to sink into the ground, past the rocks and crust of the earth. I want to sleep, for hours and days and weeks and months. I want my baby back, my sweet little Blorbo who would demand snuggles after breakfast and throw a fit if I was in the bathroom too long.

Today is my first day alone after losing her. Caleb skipped work yesterday, but today he had to go in. I haven’t worked in days. I just can’t bring myself to log on, to do my actual job.

I miss her. I will miss her, I think, until the end of time. I want very badly for things to stop happening.

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I have about a thousand ways I could update this stupid fucking hellscape journal but my main complaint rn is that Caleb got pissed off at me tonight, like exceptionally.

He goes to work at 2 am, so he is usually in bed by 8. His mother tried to call him and he ignored her, saying he didn’t want to deal with it. But she then texted me, saying that she needed to drop off cake and for me to respond.

I asked Caleb why it could not be done tomorrow, which I intended as a real question. He said he didn’t know. I said I would tell his mother I wasn’t home.

This apparently was a huge over reaction on my part, and he got really upset and texted his mother that he would meet her outside and then proceeded to tell me how irrational and cagey I’ve been around his mother lately.

I had not previously realized it upset him this much. Granted I haven’t been going to family events, but I thought that it was sort of tit for tat as he’s stopped seeing my family in any way as well.

I think I tried to explain myself well, but there was a lot of eye rolling and cutting me off. I understand it’s an emotional reaction from him; we’re both pretty sure he’s autistic. (Surprise it’s not bpd and a thousand other things, just autism lol)

I just don’t understand why it had to be tonight? Why couldn’t cake time be tomorrow? Why did he have to tell her he’d pick it up tonight and not tomorrow? He mentioned several times “you couldn’t do this ONE thing for me” but he didn’t ask me to do it for him?

I understand it’s a blender, where his mother’s irrationality and mine and his all comes together to form our weird reactions. But now he’s upset with me, and I don’t know how to make it better.

I feel a bit like he’s getting tired of having me around. I’ve been upsetting him lately, but he’s also been off his meds for two days.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

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don’t talk to me or my son ever again

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My suicidal ideation is getting worse by the minute, but I’m a fucking coward and won’t do it.

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So it’s that time of year again where I update the Depression Tumblr which is crazy but whatever. The Pressons are pressed the fuck on man, and I’m just trying to roll with the punches I guess?

I haven’t been able to take my meds for at least 2 weeks because I haven’t had health insurance for 2 months because I got a new job.

I really wanted to love the new job, and it’s not bad. I’m just tired almost all the time. And I think it’s the depression but I also don’t know if it’s the job? I want to love this job, I want to think this is a great job and I’ll stay here for a long time. But I don’t know if that’s true and I’m sad about it.

My girlfriend and I also broke up. I broke up with her technically, I think. I just would never hear from her and she’s in Texas and I’m in NJ so it’s so far. But I’m lonely and sad and I miss having someone love me? Or care about me, I don’t think she loved me.

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My parents put my cat down 4 days ago without telling me or letting me say goodbye, and didn’t tell me until yesterday. I raised her from a tiny kitten, before she even opened her eyes.

I’m so upset it’s sent me into a virtigo flare and I’d rather not have consciousness right now, thank you.

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Long Time No Update

I’ve been doing okay. I moved out with Caleb, he’s on medicine and therapy. They added more meds to my routine.

Today I feel like no one cares about me. I don’t have friends other than Caleb, no one on my other tumblrs are interested in how I feel. I had so many friends.

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Lately things have been good, for the most part.  But I’ve had three separate issues with my car in the past month.  I feel like it’s understandable to be upset about it, especially when this stuff keeps happening.  I get into a car accident, my catilytic converter goes, my battery dies and my car is immobile, my tire pops and I have to replace it.  These seem like small things but it’s draining my savings account and when I mention it to him he just says he’s spending more on his car.  I just don’t feel like there’s anyone I can tell about anything anymore and I feel really alone.  I’d be fine if this was spread out.  I’m just going to go to threapy tonight and hope I get to bring it up.  I may just stop telling him about things like this.  I don’t know.  He said I’m bringing him down. I don’t know. I wish I wasnt hurting him so much. 

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Pentagram Protective Home Wreaths by TheMoonGoddessMarket

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The Cottage / Hearth Witch

(A slight variation from kitchen) Magick that is weaved, worked, or embued into mundane tasks around the house or for loved ones. Cottage/Hearth magick may be worked into daily tasks such as cleaning, cooking, or any hobbies ©

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[missbbliss]

The Cottage / Hearth Witch

(A slight variation from kitchen) Magick that is weaved, worked, or embued into mundane tasks around the house or for loved ones. Cottage/Hearth magick may be worked into daily tasks such as cleaning, cooking, or any hobbies ©

More like this

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Realized I never posted the painted version of this layout! A witch’s cottage I designed

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witches cottage

Oh to be a witch in the woods…

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Just a little witch’s cottage layout design, honestly it was a lot of fun to make :) Except for the spiral stairs, gotta say spiral stairs, hard to draw