mycoffeeandlipstick

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Take a Break from Busy before Busy Breaks You

I am a workaholic. I am not even saying that lightly. It is a hardcore truth. Probably so hardcore that if they had a workaholics anonymous local group, I would need to be there. I have all the signs that point to a crippling disease of stress and overwork. A drive for perfection. A false reality that only I can do it well enough. A drive for success that has left me empty and perhaps, a little scared from life.

I don’t even know how I ended up being in this predicament. I try to think back to where it all started. I guess I was always raised with a hard work ethic and that “idle hands are the devil’s workshop” philosophy. Did that create the harsh reality of where I find myself now? Not being able to turn off my mind, or my laptop, or my phone? Did it all start in school when I wouldn’t settle for less than a straight A report card or a 4.0 GPA? Did it all start in my first job when I was more than willing to work extra hours every single week? To bend over backwards to beat company records? To move up the ranks in my job at lightning speed? Maybe it was a combination of it all and then now, here I stand. Insomnia. Ill health. A doctor that tells me to de-stress before it kills me. A confusion on what de-stress even is? I mean, I know google knows it all…but to have to google de-stress is not something I like to admit I did.

Just this last week I realized I worked until one in the morning almost every night. Finishing up edits for three books that are on the brink of being published. Working on a conference I am hosting. Working on my own writing projects. Worrying that it won’t all be done in time. Trying to show up in all the right places, at all the right times and lead in all the right ways. It is exhausting. I don’t even know the words of stress free or what their meaning is. Am I alone in this? Where are my fellow closet workaholics?

I was thinking of the phrase Netflix and chill. When it occurred to me that I have no idea of the concept. I can’t even tell you what is on Netflix. I don’t watch it and I certainly don’t chill. Who has time for all that nonsense? This past year my business mentor asked me what I was needing help with and I think she probably meant in a business sense because I pay her for her consulting advice. I told her in short, I need to learn how to relax. She looked stunned for a minute and then laughed. She was not even surprised that was an issue for me. She had constantly been on me to stop working 24/7. She set me up with small weekly goals. Like, don’t pick your phone up once you go to bed. Watch one hour of TV or read twice a week with no work involved. Small goals that I am pretty sure you are chuckling over as you read this. Reality is that just thinking about those small goals sent me into a full-blown panic attack. It was something serious to me. All jokes aside.

The stress of being busy can sneak right up on us. We cannot even realize we are swamped in its deep heart wrenching claws. Suddenly we find ourselves in a situation where we can either break from busy or watch busy break us. At thirty-one years old I found myself riddled with seizures that I had never before experienced. I had a mini-stroke no one could explain. I was plagued with migraines that could not be controlled. As I sat in the office of the neurologist, he scribbled on a pad of paper asking me questions. What all did you do last week? I recounted my days for him. What hours did you work? I told him. How much did you sleep? I counted them out. He stops scribbling and looks over his glasses at me sternly. “You mean to tell me you worked 120 hours last week and slept on the average 2 hours a night, yet you wonder why you are sitting here with me right now?” I kind of processed what he said and shrugged. It had been a normal week for me. “If you don’t quit your job, you won’t live to see 40. It is that simple. Stress is killing you.” he said without even caring that he just crucified my heart. What I should have learned at that point, was that stress will break you. Busy will break you. It will break you worse than you ever imagined. However, I chose to ignore his plea and went on to work just as heavy as I did before I walked into his office. I watched as my health declined. Even more serious illnesses creeped into my life. I had to deal with diagnoses on repeat because being busy was more important than living. It was a habit I had created.

This past year I have tried harder than ever to break from busy before it broke me for good. I still have a long battle to go. I can now tell you a couple things on Netflix. I can now tell you I sleep more like 3 to 4 hours a night average. I can also tell you that I try hard to not work when I get home, but the truth is…I still am a workaholic. I still do not know how to de-stress. I did google suggestions just last week. I did hear my doctor say repeatedly the past month that I need to learn to lessen my stress. I do still deal with health issues flamed by stress.

So, if you are like me…a workaholic, I want to say I feel your pain of never-ending deadlines and work. If you are on the opposite end and are more of the Netflix and chill type person…I have mad respect for you. I wish you could just send me some of your chillness! Wherever you are on the charts of busy, try to remember to take a break from busy before busy breaks you. And that my friend, is coming from someone who busy has broken more than once. Let’s go live a little…life is too short to work all the time. Who am I kidding? I am working as I type this out to submit at 9:30 pm at night, far past my 5 pm deadline I give myself. Eh, I am a work in progress. What more can I say?

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Learning to Play the Winning Cards of Life

We have all heard the saying that life is just the “hand we are dealt,” but is that completely accurate? Certainly, there is an element of truth to it because we cannot control all our circumstances (I know, hard pill for someone that is a control freak like me to handle). However, after that element is acknowledged, we can admit that it is up to us on how we “play” the hand we have been dealt. We can either victimize ourselves and throw a big pity party or we can choose to rise above it and become more than what the cards had first appeared to promise.

I think I realized this concept in my young adult life. I would listen to others complain and pitch in my own moaning of how unfair life was treating me. Wrapped up in a mentality of “woe is me” is actually pretty easy considering a large portion of society seems to cater to that pattern of thinking, without even realizing it is doing so. Look at how social media now offers an immediate soundboard for us to “air” all our frustrations the moment they happen. That can be even more dangerous because in the moment we might not think of the long-term consequences of telling the world our dirty laundry so to speak. When is the last time you sat in a group at your work and did not hear a pattern of sob stories on what all is going on in each person’s life: the boss is being hard, they had to work too many hours, their mom is acting a fool, their kid is breaking curfew, their marriage is crumbling and the list goes on. Sadly, we have not only learned to accept this without even being conscious of the fact it is happening, but we also contribute to it as well. Adding our own list of “slights” we feel need to be heard.

I do want to stop for a moment to admit that feeling ALL of our emotions is not only necessary, but emotionally healthy. So, we do need to feel our emotions around the events that are not so good, but once we feel them and acknowledge them…it is necessary to detach from them. Once we detach, we can shift our focus onto the things in life that need it the most. Finding that sweet balance can be hard as we begin to practice that. Often wanting to linger on the negative emotions can be tempting, but self-sabotaging nonetheless. Taking away our power to “play” the cards we have been dealt; we instead just accept them as they are and fold.

Shifting our focus on the good and positive things does not mean we are living in a bubble of absolute happiness. It means that when things happen, we acknowledge them, feel them if needed and accept the lesson that is being given to us as a positive constructive criticism handed straight to us from the universal way of life. Recently, I had some annual health testing done and the results were not what I wanted to hear. It meant I would need to shift. It meant things would need to be implemented. It meant that I would need to alter my thinking. Of course, I am human so the immediate response to the news was an overwhelming sense of emotions. The usual crying and despair that comes with hard news. As I sobbed to a friend, they gently reminded me I was stronger than any health issue. I had the power, but it was up to me to play the hand. Certainly, I have my days where discouragement seems to override my winning attitude towards life’s game of poker. However, the good days far outweigh the bad now. I learn to lean in and find my lesson. I learn to relish each day and the moments I am given. I learn to take life and make the most of the hand I am dealt. Thankfully, I am surrounded by friends who also uplift and choose to use life’s lessons as a ladder granted to us to level up in our playing field of life.

Next time you are tempted to linger at the pity party just a bit too long…put those shades on and remember the strong person you are. The one who has risen above all odds and fought to be where you are today. Remember that the game is not over until you fold and that power of playing falls on you.

It is best summed up by the famous words of Kenny Rogers:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em

Know when to fold ‘em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run

You never count your money

When you’re sittin’ at the table

There’ll be time enough for countin’

When the dealin’s done”

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Looking for some inspirational reading?

Check out the magical book series on Amazon!

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Paradox Girl

Me? I am the girl your mother probably warned you about. The one who takes life by the horns and tackles it. The rebel in the crowd. The black sheep of her family. I am the one who is determined to do something just because someone told me not to and I make it a point to do it with every bit of passion I have flowing in my veins. I am the one who is running out the door with just a moment to spare, who threw her hair up in a messy bun, grabbed a not so healthy snack and cup of coffee, which if I am lucky, will stay in the cup instead of on my white pants. I am the one who barely wears makeup and could care less if I am the perfect standards of a ten in today’s model society. I would much rather eat some ice cream, shoot some pool, and dance in the rain. I have more spunk than the most of them and yet still enough drive that when it comes down to it that I can land the job you dreamed of without even trying.

I am a complete paradox of life. I wear the suits in a corner office and gossip with the women down at the salon on Main Street. I drink Starbucks coffee and carry purses that costs me entirely too much money, yet am as cheap as they come when ordering on the drive thru menu. I insist on paying a gym membership that I never have used and yet complain every day that I slip into my clothes how I need to be working out. I find myself loving someone and at that same time finding myself pushing them out of my life. I need closeness, but I need freedom even more. Sometimes I am a complete confusion of a hot mess, all the way down to my smudged mascara and wrinkled blazer. Other times I am a perfect example of what to wear with my killer heels, southern pearls and deep red lipstick. I can kill you with kindness and be the worst (you know what) you ever ran across.

Isn’t that life? Life is a beautiful collage of moments that come from every aspect of the craziness that surrounds us to form one picture that somehow makes our story unique. Maybe I am proud of my crazy story. Maybe all those insane nights in the sorority house prepared me for the night I would take the bar top in the middle of a packed bar as a grown woman and dance out of fun. Maybe all the boyfriends I zipped through with ease breaking hearts right and left in my early adulthood retuned to me that heartbreak with a tattoo along my back to remember that crazy ex by. Maybe all the sleepless nights working through college to graduate with a 4.0 prepared me for the high stress and intense job that I now work. They say everything in life serves a purpose. I actually agree with that. Each step in our life is preparing us for another step down the road. We might not understand it until years later when we look back or we might never understand it at all. Don’t they say hindsight is 20/20? Life is crazy like that. All those friends who come into your life and then exit. They were there for a season. To carry you from point A to point B in life. Their season in your life was done.

Maybe people think I am insane or that I need to grow up in certain aspects. They don’t understand why I would ditch a six-figure income to try to make a business work on my own. They don’t understand why I would break up with a guy that treats me well to gain my freedom back. That used to bother me, because I sought my validation in other people. Now what they do not understand is not for me to worry about. I make my decision based on what is best in my life. What other people think is none of my business, nor does it affect my thinking.

I want happy. I want freedom. I want motivation. I want the feeling of accomplishment. I am a complete mix of making it to the top of my company and then leaving them to start some new adventure because I hate the feeling of not being able to push to the top anymore. My dad always told me that no one ever stands still…. you either move forward or you slip backwards. I have always remembered that. I want to move forward. Sometimes that means taking a step back to move forward, but always choosing to push. Not getting to where you enjoy the comfort zone…because nothing grows there. Matter of fact things usually die there.

So, let’s be crazy. Let’s be the mess this world needs. Let’s eat ice cream. Let’s travel the world. Let’s tell people how much we care. Let’s push to do things people say we cannot. Let’s build our own empire. Let’s dance on that bar top. Let’s enjoy the moment. If you get a chance to know the girl your mom warned you about, take it. You will have the ride of your life. We might not stay forever, but while we are there you will enjoy it. You will fall in love with life again. You will have fun. You will see that enjoying the moment is all life is about. So, take that chance. When we exit your life, we still are the same person. We still live life to the fullest. We are enjoying lots of new friends. We are seeing lots of new places. We are pushing for that new job. We are partying our Friday night and stressing in the office on Monday. We love and we leave. We hold on and we let go. It is just who we are. The Paradox Girl.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Playing with Fire

Fire. Desire. Passion. It is what drives us to make crazy decisions in the spur of the moment. It is the adrenaline rush when you achieve what we set out to do. It is the push when others say you cannot possibly reach a goal causing you to push harder than you ever knew you could. It is what burns in your heart; gets you excited just talking about it. It is the flush in your face, the fast beat of your heart, and the realization that you have dreams bigger than this world. It is the desire for something more than what the world suggest you should settle for.

There are those of us who refuse to settle. Whenever we are in one spot for too long, we feel the urge to jump into something else or make an insane move to create a better opportunity. Sometimes the opportunity turns out to be everything we had planned. On the flip side, sometimes we fall flat on our face, we lose it all and only face the challenge of rebuilding from the ground up again. No fear. Those who have this perpetual drive to be more do not mind that rebuilding. As a matter of fact, it might frustrate us at first but we usually see it as a challenge to come back even better than before.

This drive often propels us to take chances others would deem risky. We are the ones who are looked down on because we “change jobs too often.” They say that we “do not know where our lives are headed” and that we “need to grow up” … but maybe those people actually envy us. Maybe they wish they had the guts to plunge into their dreams head first. To take the risk instead of playing it safe as society has taught us to do.

The world may judge our impetuous hearts, but we are just people who have no desire to ever settle.

We want to feel everything in life there is to feel. If there is an emotion to feel, we want to experience it at the highest point available to us on this human realm.

We will be the first to move across the world with only a couple dollars in our pocket and a dream bigger than our circumstances.

People think we are insane. They would wonder why we would quit a good paying job to go off and create our own dreams. Maybe they are the ones settling. They do not mind doing the mundane. Maybe they do not feel that it is necessary to go crazy but it is what feeds our souls. No amount of money in the world would make these people understand because they do not play with fire.

We who are eccentric, the wanderers of the world, the wild risk takers with untamed souls — we play with fire. We know that sometimes we will get burned, but if we never tried, we would never know the warmth of accomplishing our dreams on our own terms.

There is a feeling that comes over you when what was in your head as a dream is now something right in front of you. There is this amazing warmth that floods your soul. That desire burns. Nothing is ever enough. Once a feeling or goal is achieved, we want to reach another one. We want to feel something else on a whole new level. We want to create more. We want to create better.

The artists. The dreamers. The poets. The musicians. The writers. There are so many of us on this road of desire and we all play with fire.

I play with fire. I feel deeply. I create and want more each day. I ponder daily what my next leap of faith will be. Sometimes not knowing the answer until the split second I decide to follow the dream and not look back is the best part. I love. I hurt. I wander. I feel the warmth. I have been burned. A lot.

We know who we are. We do not deny it. We stick together. We fuel the fires created in one another. We encourage others to pursue their dreams. and to take a chance because there is something magical in it. in a way it is a never-ending addiction.

May those of us who understand this never lay down the matches because playing with fire is the only way we will carry on the warmth of this world.

Live life to its fullest.

Play with fire.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

How to Create a High Vibe Morning Routine

I will be the first to admit that I am a morning person, or I used to be. Even in childhood, I got up as soon as my alarm went off and I got my day started. I created a morning routine as early as middle school that I have used some form of even to this day. I was not the typical teenager that you had to beg to get up and threaten to pour cold water over. I just simply loved the mornings. As I got older, I actually did away with my alarm clock. I haven’t owned one in at least thirty-five years. I naturally wake up when I need to get up…I have come to realize it is a rare gift that is not genetic…now that I have two teenagers myself. However, I do realize not everyone loves the morning time. As I have gotten older, I will also admit that I sleep in more than I don’t. I tend to not want to jump up out of bed first thing and sometimes I need more coffee to get through the morning than I ever used to need. I like to blame that on my nineteen month old son who still likes to wake me up most nights at some point. Whether or not you are morning person, a morning routine can help you create a fail proof mindset for the day.

Looking back to my middle school routine, my early adulthood routine and my now mom with bed head stumbling to get coffee routine I have come to realize all of my mornings consisted of three things. Three major things that made my day easier when I stuck with my morning routine.

1. I always take time for me in the morning. Even as a single mom, I got up just a bit before the kids to take fifteen to twenty minutes to myself. Usually I spent it drinking my coffee, fixing my hair and putting on makeup. If I felt extra good that morning, I would sit and look out our window to watch the birds or squirrels play in the trees. First and foremost, I always took time for me. It isn’t selfish and it is important. No matter who you are, I can assure you, that you probably do not take enough time for you. We live in a society that is rushed. We live in a corporate frame that is stressed. We are always thinking about the next thing on our to do list. A simple fifteen to twenty minutes every single morning made me feel a bit more centered. A bit more in charge of the day. When the kids fought me to go to school…I was a bit calmer. When I got to work to find all hell broke loose…I handled it a bit better. I encourage you to take just a few minutes to yourself every single day to see how things shift for you.

2. I always spend five minutes in my journal. Some mornings I spend more time, but let’s face it…as a mom of three kids I don’t have a lot of spare time. I always spend at least five minutes jotting down some things in my journal. It starts with three things I am most grateful for in my life that day. On the days I feel crummy, it might be some real basic stuff, but they are entries of gratefulness none the less. As I write down how thankful I am for my children, or my parents, or my spouse…(crummy day entries might be how I am thankful coffee was invented) things tend to look a bit brighter and I adjust to a higher vibe almost immediately for my day. I end my journal entry with one amazing affirmation for my day. It can be something as simple as “I am always on time” if I am already in fear of being late that day. I create a positive spin to my day right away so that I can assure that I am ready to embrace the day with the best attitude I can.

3. I create time for some fun. This one can be easy if your mornings revolve around kids, because honestly some of them need a little fun added to their morning too. My teenagers groan even now when I walk into their room and start singing to them in the morning. They roll their eyes when I drop them off at school and joke with them as they get out of the car. If you don’t have kids around…try to find something that gets you in the mood of fun. Fun breeds creativity and our childlike nature. It can be refreshing in the morning to set you up for a much better day. So, turn up the radio on the way into work and sing. Dance around your house as you get ready. Tell a joke to someone you work with or just simply laugh. Having fun is essential to any day and especially any morning.

There are a few other things I dabble into my mornings, but I can assure you that the above are staple items I do no matter what. I don’t care if I wake up feeling like hell, I still do them. They create an instant vibe of pep into my step. Remember those pep rallies? Why do you think they worked? What about them can you bring into your life now? It is one of the main reasons we always had a staff meeting first thing in the morning for my team. It can make or break your day. Step on out there and try some morning routine high vibe…oh, don’t forget your coffee, I forgot to mention it is essential too.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

What the “New Normal” Can Teach Us About Life and Love

With all the “new normal” in place now…I am finding out I probably wasn’t all that normal to begin with. I mean…Are any of us normal? What is normal? How in the heck do we define that?

Instead of losing myself in a worldwide pandemic, I found myself. I dug deep down, past all the busy life, mom duty, schoolwork and hustle bustle of living to get back to the basics. The basics of just what made me happy. What was worth it all in the end. I took the time to smell the roses and take my little son on a walk every day to see nature. I took the time to really get to talk to my teenagers about life and the values they hold. I took the time to do some soul searching if the career I was pursuing needed to be altered so that I could do something I was more passionate about. I took the time to consider if I was to leave this earth soon…have I left a legacy? I took the time to read books and sink into the faraway places found in the pages there in…because let’s face it, I wasn’t going to hop on a plane any time soon.

I barely made it back into the states from a two-week trip to London and Paris when the whole country started locking down. I was not prepared for the turn of events, because none of us truly were. I am not too much of a political debating person so I am not here to sway your thoughts on if this is a political flu or a virus that is terribly serious. I just want us all to take a minute to think about the things this virus brought us, regardless if you personally think it is make-believe or not. Let’s think about the lessons we learned from it all and the value of it in life, because I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason.

Truth is, it caused us to realize that we take a lot of things for granted. Being able to just jump on a plane and travel was right up there on the list for me. Being able to rush my child to the hospital and be able to go back with him when he was treated…another forgotten point of gratefulness. The ability to choose if we send our kids to school. The ability to just walk into a store and shop. The ability to be able to go to work every single day. So many small things we sometimes get so wrapped up in life to forget. Or at least I certainly do. I forgot what it was like to play board games with my kids, to call my parents up a bit more often, to have a zoom call with friends because I missed seeing them, to be able to read a whole book without being interrupted with a million places I needed to go, to eat a bit healthier, to check up on loved ones and the list goes on.

Yes, I took the time to assess just where I might have gotten off track with the hectic life I lived. The importance of family and friends. The value of saying I love you now, instead of later when it might be too late. I chose to let go of a branch of my business to pursue my more passionate branch of writing. I chose to listen to my children and what their goals are in their coming high school years. I chose to relish the moments I have when I can go on a trip to the beach, the mall or even out to eat some tacos.

So, if this is the “new normal” …I am glad I signed up. Stopping to smell the roses has been a great reminder of what is truly important in life. Sometimes we get so caught up in this crazy life that we lose sight of the bigger picture. Breathe. Play. Have fun. Laugh more. Dance more. Eat that ice cream. Call your mom. Love yourself. Love others. Don’t wait…because this might be just a reminder, we all need to go back to the root of it all…love.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Living in the Magic of You Only Live Once

It is no surprise to me that people sometimes overuse the phrase “you only live once.” Often to excuse a behavior that might be deemed unnecessary or a life choice that seems a bit risky. However, if I had to pick a phrase that I would want used “too much,” I would have to say this is a good choice for the winner. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. Life is worth taking some chances with instead of passively waiting for a better time. A recent mentor of mine told me “if you wait for the perfect time, it will never happen.” She is completely right. Things will always be going on. A million excuses can find their way to my doorstep on why I should push my dreams to the next day, week or even year. However, are we even promised another day, week or year? Heck no. There is no guarantee on life. It is a lease that at any minute can be up. So, why put it off? Why wait? Why possibly regret the chances you did not take?

Recently I had the pleasure of making some choices that I had played over in my head a million times. Some, had been played in my head for many years. Should I take the leap? Should I take the chance? Should I use my voice to write a book that I had wanted to write for five years? Should I vocalize my feelings around a relationship that I had pushed down for a decade? I decided that now was the best time than ever. Was it scary? Yes. Did I wonder if I made the right choice? Yes. Did I think of all the things and reasons I should not? Yes. I am just as normal and human as you. We all have the fears and the voices in our head that say “no.” It is our choice if we choose to listen to them and settle for maybe a life of security with a little less magic, or if we choose to take the leap and live a life of big magic.

Whenever I hear people say “you only live once” I wait to hear what they are choosing. I bet it is something magical. I bet it is something grand. I bet it something risky. I bet they are scared to leap. I bet they are excited. So many emotions are going through their system and I just want to jump up and down with them. For them. Excited that they chose to live in the magic of the moment. The magic of NOW. The magic of you just get this one shot at life and we might as well enjoy the hell out of it.

What are you holding back on? What goes through your mind that you wish you could do? That you wish you had the courage to pursue? You wish you had the nerve to just go all in? I can assure you that if you wait for the voices in your head (and yes, they will be talking ninety to nothing) to shut up…you will NEVER do it. Because the truth is, they will not shut up. Fear will always be there. It is the number one reason people do not reach goals. It is the number one reason people do not take risks. It is the number one reason people are not truly happy. It is the number one reason people back out of decisions that they might have been excited about because all of a sudden the voice of logic catches up and they second guess that moment that they acted in complete faith to leap. That calm knowing that it was the right choice. That moment where the dream was so big that all the facts didn’t count. The voices will be there. Long after you made the choice and even started on the new path. One day, if you are lucky to have faith you will look back and be so thankful that you chose to leap in faith. You will live a life you always dreamed of and imagined. You will be grateful that you didn’t let fear hold you back.

Until next time…go take the chance. Do it. Leap. You only live once.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

An Anniversary

Next week marks an Anniversary for me.  One that at times I wish I could forget, but most of the time it still is a painful reminder of just how well I am at masking my feelings.  Three years ago I went to work.  I spent the day laughing and having fun just like I always did.  After work I stopped for a glass of wine and finished up some paperwork, still walking in the door of my house in the afternoon hours.  As usual I kicked off my shoes and fell into bed still dressed.  I cried for what seemed like a while and then I begin to decide the people in my life was much better off without me.  I had already made my arrangements on paper.  I had already written letters to the most important people in my life.  I quickly scribbled a I am sorry - note for whoever found me and texted a few people I knew to say thank you for being friends.  Then I took a whole bottle of prescription pills and hoped that it would make all the pain go away.  I don't remember much after that.  I remember cops beating on my windows and doors.  Finally breaking in and finding me.  I vaguely remember them asking me to respond but I couldn't.  I remember the ambulance workers picking me up and putting me on a stretcher.  Talking to me on the ride into the hospital telling me to stay with them and think about my kids - then it all went black.  I woke up in a hospital bed with my mom sitting beside  me.  The workers asking her to place me in rehab to which I heard her say no.  I said yes.  I signed the line in an almost daze. I don't remember much of the ride to rehab in an ambulance.  I don't remember in take.  I remember waking up the next day still very much dizzy and not feeling good.  Making myself walk into the main rehab center and try to see the faces before me.  I spent a week there.  No phone.  No friends.  No family.  What I found was that I hid my pain well.  I never let anyone know how bad I hurt.  I had been hurting for many years and everyone thought I was happy.  I had tried to talk to some people I thought was close but maybe they never took me serious that I had that much pain.  I tried to check into rehab on my own a couple months before this and was told it was not for people like me.  Whatever that meant.  All I know is that I reached the bottom.  And when I did I wanted nothing more than to never wake up again. 

I wish I could say I am all better now.  My good days are far more than bad now, but there is still a lot of days I wonder why I survived. I fear reaching that low point again.  I fear not seeing the signs I am slipping there soon enough.  I used to be ashamed I had broken down.  I thought people would view me different.  And now, now I don't care if they do.  Because it is my story.  I wrote it.  That chapter was a painful one like some others in my book of life.  It almost was the end.  So, I will never hide it.  If anything I will share it more proudly. 

I still deal with depression.  I still deal with panic attacks.  I still deal with family who hates me.  I still deal with fake friends.  I still deal with the pain of losing someone I loved immensely.  I still deal with having an abortion. I still deal with feeling like I am in a room and the walls are caving in all around me.  I still cry myself to sleep more nights than I would like to admit.  I still get in my vehicle and drive with the radio up, windows down and fighting my inner self.  I still get angry.  I still find myself wondering if I will ever be happy again. 

But I also have days that I enjoy the sun on my face.  I have days I pick happy songs on the radio.  I still have days I look at my kids and remember why I am glad I am here.  I still have days I remind myself that most of my family can hate me and it doesn't matter.  I still have days I am thankful I don't fit the mold and can be unique.  I still have days I sip my coffee and look at my desk and wonder why I would walk away from a career.  Yes, I have good days.  But the dark shadow that still is there.  I may never recover fully and it is okay.  Because now I know I reached the end and instead of it ending the next chapter was born. 

Happy Anniversary to Me.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Money Spell

Light a green candle then chant three times:

Money come, Money grow

Into my house gush and flow.

Keep on coming never stop,

Fill it to the very top.

Let the candle burn completely out on it's own.  Repeat as often as you like.  It usually takes one moon cycle to see results.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

You are my world...

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

Fate

Sometimes there are no words for how you feel; just your heart full of chaos, hurt and deep love. Tossed. Mixed up. In a million pieces yet completely one.  Torn between the what if's and what was - it is a story that quickly raveled undone.  Somewhere and some time you always seem to realize that time never heals all.  Love is constant even after the fall.  Fate brought you together and fate took you apart.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

To The One Who Tried to End It

Oh dear friend.  I am sure that there was a day you looked in the mirror and never though that you would reach the end.  You thought that you would always find that one reason to get up each morning.  Maybe it was work, or your children, or your marriage or maybe it just was the mere fact of fearing death too much. 

Sure you had your down days.  You had the days that you purely melted down.  Maybe you broke down and cried in the shower letting the water wash over you and wishing it would wash you away with all the pain that you felt deep inside.  Maybe you went to bed at night and took sleeping pills wishing that maybe you wouldn't wake in the morning then when you did you wasn't sure if you were relieved or not.  Maybe you came home to an empty home and picked up a dish smashing it in pieces then sinking to the floor in a mess of tears falling asleep on the floor.  Maybe you cut yourself off from friends and hobbies.  You secluded yourself.  You never opened your blinds and never wanted to see the sun.  Maybe you preferred to sleep instead of be awake.  Maybe it was all to easy to pour another glass of vodka and down another pain pill to keep the hurt away. 

Slowly the bad days outnumbered the good days.  Your friends withered away.  They didn't notice that you were not around much and then you realized they wouldn't notice if you were gone all together.  All of a sudden you started to realize that there was not really a reason for you to stay around.  You occupied your time piecing together why you should stay and there wasn't many reasons on the list.  Soon you justified those away.  Soon you carefully put together your perfect plan of just how you wanted things to be once you were gone.  I mean some day you were going to die.  Those things do happen to everyone.  You wrote notes to those you cared about and picked out your outfit perhaps.  You tied up loose ends.  You carefully texted those friends you never talked to anymore to tell them goodbye in a somewhat carefree way and with how they had disappeared in your life they never thought about the text. 

Then one day you woke up.  It was a bad day.  You probably didn't even want to get out of bed.  All those reasons you always gave yourself for living seemed very distant.  Maybe you poured another drink sooner in the day than normal, maybe you called into work, maybe you made an excuse to stay home or in your room, all the pain seemed heavier than normal.  Then you did what you never thought you would do.  You decided life was better with you gone.  You didn't fear death anymore because in it you finally saw relief.  You saw no more pain.  You saw that something had to be better than the way you kept living.  You knew everyone would be fine without you, probably much better off with out you.  You didn't worry about it anymore.  You wanted to find peace and the sweet release from the hurt.  You pulled the trigger, you downed the pills, you took your life into your own hands.  The next few moments probably seemed like a shadowy mix of subconscious memories.  What seemed like just moments was eternity.  Probably people banging on doors, shaking you, begging you to talk, or trying to figure out how far gone you were.  Police and ambulance workers.  Some you remember - some you don't.  People saying "don't leave me, hang on" Then things going black.  Days being lost until you gained memory back.  Then you wondered was you happy you were here or sad you didn't leave.  You brushed the side of death. People probably were in disbelief that you did it and never saw it coming even though you thought to yourself how could they have missed it for the years you felt it coming.

You probably recovered obviously if you are reading this.  You probably went through rehab.  You gained your life back.  Now life has more good days than bad.  You pull the curtains back and enjoy the sunshine.  Some days you do have a bad day and some days you do feel pain.  Some days you actually scare yourself by wondering if you could ever slip that far again because you never thought you could before.  You never judge others anymore because you know how it feels. 

Somewhere deep in your heart the pain still sits.  And somewhere deep in your heart you actually still have days you ask yourself if you should have died that day.  Yes you do still wonder if you should be here.  You have moments of weakness, they are just very few.  It is okay.  We are overcomers.  We are the weak that was made back strong.  We not only saw death, felt death, but lived death.  We have a right to be weak every once in awhile.  We wonder how we got there - because we never thought we could be weak.  It is in those moments of weakness we find our strength. Stay strong my dear friend.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

To the Stay at Home Mom

I am so glad you have the ability to stay at home and watch your kids scribble on coloring sheets and bake pancakes together at ten in the morning. 

I am so thrilled that when they have a runny nose you can drop what you are doing and run them to the doctor without worrying about if your boss is going to think the paper laying on your desk is more important or if you called out one too many times. 

I am so glad that you have the ability to attend every school function instead of trying to weigh in your mind which ones are the most important or playing an amazing mathematical skill of how much time you can actually spend at it by skirting out the door and pleasing both work and your kids. 

I am so glad you can go on vacation or take a day off without your phone still going off or your email continuing to flow in because work never stops and you do not even understand this sentence unless you have worked in a high pressure job where work still expects you to answer.

I am thankful you do not have to worry about the stress of a boss at work and deadlines to crunch even long after you walk through the doors of your home to spend time with your family. 

I am thankful that you do not understand what it is like to speed home after a day of work and even try to calculate if you really need to stop for gas or can you just leave early in the morning because that means more time you will get at home tonight if you don't stop going home.  Yes, you do not know the so many calculations of time we put in our head and the guilty feelings we might have if we do something for ourselves like if we stop to get our nails done instead of rush home; but when else will it get done?  It is truly a war we won't even win in itself. 

We are glad you will never feel the guilt of looking their faces growing up and thinking I wish I was here more, but at the same time feeling the pride of knowing you are giving them the life they have to have.  What a torn pull that you cannot deny them.  Who else will cloth them and feed them and buy them all their items... you are their mother. 

Yes, we are glad you will never feel the late nights of waking up and looking over at them and hoping that one day you will have enough money to pay their college and their weddings and yet still see retirement.  We are so glad you will never feel the stress of the work load and the stress of knowing the responsibility supporting them falls on you.  What if you lose your job?  What if you cannot pay the bills?  How do you explain that?  What if you are failure in their eyes?  The financial gravity of being their sole provider. 

We are the working mothers.  The ones who have to pick up the slack because it was left on our shoulders for whatever reason.  We are the breadwinners.  We not only go out and get the bacon, but cook it too.  We know the stress of the working world and we are sure that the stress you face in your world is a stress unknown to us too...but we stand on our own.  Proud to say that it is hard to stand out here and make the money, balance the money, and balance the time with kids, juggle the kids school life, our home life, personal life and by then if we even want time to ourselves it is scarce.  The ability to make our boss happy, the kids' happy, our friend's happy and anyone else...it falls all in wicked disarray most of the time.  Many times we look at the stay at home mother and in slight envy think how nice that must be, but to our defense I know I wouldn't trade my life for anything else.  I am proud to be who I am.  I am a strong woman.  It will teach my daughter to go out there and be a strong woman too.  That is what we should be proud of as women whether we are stay at home mothers or working moms alike. Let's be strong - let's be proud.

[mycoffeeandlipstick]

To My Former Best Friend

There was a day I thought I could not live without you.  There was a day that I rushed to hit your name on my phone with every piece of news because there was no other person I wanted to share it with more.  If there was tears in my eyes I wanted nothing more but to hear your voice.  A cup of coffee with you was the best day yet.  There was a day that when I was shopping and everything reminded me of you from the lime green pants, to the thin mint girl scout cookies, and even the song on the radio. 

Then one day just like all the years we spent building the relationship it vanished.  I slowly came to see you in the light that perhaps you always stood.  All the years I spent giving into the relationship.  Answering the phone no matter what time day or night for you, rushing to save you from whatever mess you had landed yourself into, being there no matter what you faced in regards to all the crisis you found yourself in with your marriage, and bailing you out of financial crisis to the grief of my own financial collapse.  Then one day I needed a friend a brief moment of need and just when I thought I could rely on a person who I had been there for I found that was not the case.  Much to my surprise the years that followed showed me that you never intended to be a friend the way I was for you.  Loyalty was never returned.  My heart shattered as I realized not everyone gives as I do.  Not everyone is a friend as I am.  Not everyone speaks the truth as I do. 

Detangling the emotions of a friendship was almost like getting a divorce from someone you thought loved you.  That used you and emotionally played you.  It took years and several attempts before I finally severed it.  My heart was left raw. Nights were spent sleepless and in tears, then slowly it started to heal.  Then one day I could talk to you again.  I could see your face without the slightest emotion.  My heart grew colder. Yes, I talk to you and yes, I call you friend.  Just like you do me.  I serve you the same cold dish you did me for years.  I can brush your phone calls aside and lie about what I am doing.  I can not answer your texts with urgency.  I can not worry about if you are dying because at one point I was and it didn't even matter.  Matter of fact if you were to ask me for a favor I would probably say I could do it and not even show up without the slightest remorse.  Why?  Because I have no emotional ties anymore.  It took a whole year for me to let it go and emotionally disengage from you.  To survey the damage you did.  To really see just what you have done and what someone who even had respect would do.  I have found more steady friends.  Friends who are there no matter what.  Who give back.  I found loyalty.  I found those who believe as I do.  Those who meet me for lunch or dinner or coffee.  Who answer my calls or texts.  Who don't lie or steal or fail to keep promises.  Who don't use friends lightly.  Those who when I gave them recent news of things I was going through told me "we" will get through this and they have been there every step of the way with me.  They know me and I am proud to say I adore my friends now.  I found myself again.  I found love.  I found true love within me and within others.  I found it cannot be bought or played for.  I found that I can live without you on speed dial or on my thoughts and that I am actually happy. 

And to my former best friend: Good riddance dear "friend".  I hope you find more friends like yourself that are shallow and using; because birds of a feather usually flock together.  We can continue to pretend to be friends just like you always did.  Two can play that game now. Soon you will figure out that others are playing you even better at that game...but to each their own. Life is all about the lessons you learn. I learned mine.