mymentalnightmare

[mymentalnightmare]

I haven’t taken my meds in weeks. I don’t deal with change well, and we just moved half way across the country. At a time like this is really when I should take my meds but since I’ve been off them for a while, I don’t trust myself to take the proper dosages. I really hate having no friends sometimes.

[mymentalnightmare]

I can’t exaggerate how important support is to someone with mental health issues. Even if we don’t want it, or act like don’t want it, we need it! My husband doesn’t understand what goes on in my mind, even with how hard I try to badly explain, but he understands me and my needs. He knows when I need to be left alone, a hug, to talk, tells me to call my therapist, take my Xanax; and feels horrible he can’t help me. But he is helping. Knowing I have his support and getting texts while he’s at work...does more than he thinks. Knowing you have someone on your side when they (or yourself) don’t know what’s going on is everything!

[mymentalnightmare]

I have a problem

[mymentalnightmare]

Lists, lists, and more lists

There’s so many things I’m learning about my new diagnosis. Lists. I love making lists. I’ll make one for almost anything. But, if I misspell something or don’t like how my handwriting looks, I’ll start over. I never thought this was a part of OCD. I always figured I had some OCD-like tendencies; but after my therapist put the thought of me having ADHD in my head and researching it, I came across ADHD and OCD comorbidity. Each one separately, I was able to check off so many symptoms and I decided to ask my therapist about it. But, my appointment wasn’t for another week. So, what did I do?? I made lists. Lists of the symptoms for both thinking I would bring it in to show him. I forgot my list at home. I mentioned it and some of the symptoms, was asked some follow up questions and was diagnosed; with both ADHD and OCD. Of course I forgot some of the things I had written down and remembered on my way home. I spent the hour drive home beating myself up over not remembering the things I left out. Do I make another list of the things I forgot? But I was diagnosed already, I don’t need to prove it. Or do I still? 

My brain is constantly fighting with itself. I get logical thoughts, then my anxiety kicks in and gives me so many other thoughts contradicting the first thought. Which one do I believe? “Does my husband really love me and still find me attractive after 15 years? Of course he does; he tells me I’m beautiful almost every day and tries to initiate sex as much as he can. BUT...is it forced because we have been married so long and it’s a habit and familiar? I’ve got so many issues, how can he love me still?”  No matter how much reassuring he does, I still don’t always believe him. Not that he doesn’t feel the way he does about me, I believe he does! But how could he? So much self doubt. Maybe I should start a list of the self doubts I need to change

[mymentalnightmare]

I am not my mother

I’ve been battling depression since I was an early teen. I have a mother who refused to get me treatment even though she suffers from it as well. I’ve never understood why she didn’t help. I had to beg her repeatedly for her to make me a doctors appointment. 

At the age of 31, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I thought it made my whole world make sense. I was wrong. Med after med, and I still didn’t feel quite “right”. This past year ssuuuuccckked. Worldwide pandemic? What’s that?! It may sound selfish, but I’ve been trying to figure out my own mental health. For once in my life, I’m trying to put me first. 6 months ago I started therapy; and let me tell you...game changer! I can’t begin to explain how well he’s helped me. And now this week we’ve figured out I also have ADHD and OCD. What?? 

My son was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD; and I never even thought about me having it as well. I just thought all my feelings were anxiety and depression. But, I am not my mother. Let’s try to figure out what works for us! My son has tried a few different meds/doses, and we’re still trying to figure out what works best for him; and now I get to do the same. There’s no shame in that. I’m proud to be helping when he needs help, I wish I had the same for me.