myretransitiondiary

[myretransitiondiary]

Morning gaming sesh of call of duty. Rudegrrl2667 on twitch if y'all are interested haha. Anyway. I'm posting a pic rn because I have like... *Knocks on wood* perfect skin RN and I have no idea why. I haven't been avoiding the foods I'm allergic too (turns out I'm mildly allergic to wheat, corn, beef and whey I found out super recently). I've been going to doc appointments because very often I get small hive-like occurrences around my nose and also on my back that last for weeks and sometimes even months.

I wish I knew how to get rid of the hives or whatever they are for good but unfortunately they are unpredictable and seem to have no rhyme or reason no matter what I've been eating or not eating (I've tried cutting foods out and also not, and still it's unpredictable). But today is a happy day because they aren't around! First time in months. Interestingly, my father also has issues with his skin and rashes on his face occasionally. Anyway, my skin is doing crazy good rn and I have no clue why lol.

Gratitude is important. I have so much to be thankful for in life. I've experienced a lot of bad in my life, yes. But also so, so much good. I'm so proud to come from the family I come from. I'm so proud of all of them and I feel proud to carry the same last name. I want to start accomplishing things. My family are doers. I need to start doing.

I got a seasonal position at Nordstrom at the perfume counter, it's a short term gig but it's kind of adorable. Looking forward to having something to do and making some money in quite a bougie atmosphere tbh haha.

I have to admit, I struggle with holding down jobs. I don't get fired, but I have moved jobs many... Many times. I have had bouts of panic and depression that pop up without warning that makes me want to give up which has lost me my fair share of amazing job opportunities. The knowledge of this is a little painful. I just want to do well and feel successful in my life and it seems like that is the one thing I cannot seem to achieve yet. It's not like going on disability is actually an option either, I've thought about it from time to time. It's just not enough money to live off of ultimately. Idk. It's definitely the biggest hurtle in my life, or has been.

My partner has been kind enough to support me while I've been out of work this time. I don't know what I would do without her honestly in so many ways. She shows me so much love and support, I often hope that I am doing enough for her in return. My partner is a newly transitioning transgender female (mtf). I love her and support her journey fully. I didn't regret transitioning the first time myself. Being Joey was an extremely important part of my journey to becoming who I am today.

Everyone is allowed to regret transitioning if they want to. I'm not saying you can't do that or feel that way. I just.... Don't believe in encouraging that way of thinking. If I had a child who ended up transitioning, I would want them to know that they should love themselves no matter what their human bodies look or sound like. Just because I don't look or sound how I would have if I hadn't transitioned to be a man, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful just the way I am now. I just wish we all wanted to love ourselves and wanted others to do the same no matter what.

God. Sometimes I wish I could give my partner advice when it comes to the next two years of transition for her.... I would tell her to stop waiting to live. Stop... Waiting to "arrive" at the perfect you. Let transition happen to you while you're living your life fearlessly. We are never done "cooking" as I like to say. So just go out and live like no one is watching 😭♥️

[myretransitiondiary]

I think people should find it odd or different when someone isn't trans. Most of us are because there are so many different variants and ways to be trans. No one fully falls in line with the binary and when they do it's pretty rare. I just think that it has been popular in the past and kind of the present to call oneself one gender or the other (I mean.. historically). It's kind of instilled in us to want to belong to one group or another. We want to "belong". Truth is, we're all a certain percent non binary in my opinion, even if you identify as just female or male. Intersexed people (people born with both sets of genitalia) exist for God's sake. Gender is broad and there's more than 2. We've been fed lies our entire lives on the topic and awareness needs to increase and be recognized by the education system, medical journals, etc.

[myretransitiondiary]

Cut my hair again today. Mostly because I have a job interview tomorrow for a job that I reaaaalllyy want. Anyway--went from an awkward side-part (I'm trying to grow my hair out again in a way that I can stand haha, I am not a fan of me with a side part with short hair) to another strange Bowie-esque hairstyle that I kind of like. The objective will be to grow it out into a bob with bangs essentially, and decide if Iike it. Anyway! Hair adventures, am I right?

So, I rarely let anyone but myself cut my hair. I avoid having someone else do it as long as I possibly can because I've had my fair share of bad haircuts. I think I've been cutting my hair since middle school lol. Of course, back then I had a lotttt more hair lol. Testosterone injections definitely reduced the hair on my head to probably less than half of what I had before (I had THICK hair as a kid haha), but I still have enough hair. Thin hair yes, especially in the back on top of my head... But that's why I bleach my hair (and also cuz I like it duh), it makes it harder to notice because my scalp doesnt stick out as much on top (my natural hair color is a very dark brown).

[myretransitiondiary]

Hello ladies gentlemen and others!

Just a detransitioned trans ftm trans man (ftmtf) here to say a quick hello and to include this: We don't make mistakes with our genders. We all go with the flow. Sometimes the flow isn't what you may have expected, like in my case. I don't regret my transition at all, or my second transition for that matter. Transition, change your mind or not, doesn't matter! This fear people have about detransition needs to stop because I'm kind of insulted by it haha I'm just fine and dandy!

[myretransitiondiary]

A few more photos of Joey. ♥️🥺

[myretransitiondiary]

This is me when I was Joey. I know it might sound strange, but I feel as if I miss Joey like I miss a friend who just.. disappeared? Well I guess what happened was I morphed my female and male sides into one package in the body I have now. After all, most people assume I am a trans woman in the traditional sense when they meet me based off of my low voice, visible Adams apple and stubble that I shave each morning now.

In case you're confused by the photos, this is me when I was a trans man. I was a drag queen when I was a trans man, if you can't tell haha. I was doing all of this when it was not something people did. I love Joey for how brave he was and how beautiful I was as a man. Not that I am not beautiful now, but being a dashing, passing, white, gay trans man is a feeling... Makes you feel hot and famous because somehow everyone seems to know who you are even if you don't know them. Well it was like that back then in 2013 haha 🤣 idk. Point is, I loved Joey and still love him.

He will always be a big part of me. I miss him and I wish I could switch between looking as I do now, and looking like Joey. I feel very two spirit, leaning feminine. Even as a man, I was very feminine in my behaviors and attitudes.

Sometimes people ask me if I think I'll regret retransitioning later on in life. And honestly, sometimes I wonder that myself. But where I am now in life and with everything I've done and experienced, I've decided I no longer wish to take hormones to keep myself looking any certain way. I would rather go with the flow of my body and mind and express myself accordingly. That's just me by the way!! I'm not speaking for anyone else but myself and my own journey and life experience.

And tbh, if I ever decided that I wanted to transition back to being a man, I'd just do it. I don't think that we make "mistakes" transitioning, whether or not one decides to transition again afterwards. Gender has been a journey for me, not a destination. And it might always be that way for me! I'm okay with that. But currently and for the unforeseen future I am very comfortable in my transfeminine body and how I look and present.

Although the aging process is a little tedious and stressful now that I've started to notice myself aging a little in my appearance. Aging as a woman. I never pictured myself as an old woman. Aging into an old man always made more sense to me than the alternative and made me feel a lot more comfortable with aging. The fact that I will be an old woman possibly, is crazy. Never thought that would happen.

I wanted to be a boy since before I can remember. 3 or 4 probably. And that never changed until after 4 years on testosterone. I have to admit, the first reason for me stopping testosterone was convenience, because my hair was falling out fast (lol) and also I wanted to have sex as a female, which I had never done before low key high key. A big for my second transition was because of my sexuality, but honestly I just stopped... Giving a fuck about my gender and decided to stop T. That's what happened! Idk! That's all I can say without getting more intimate about my sexual history than I'm ready to say right now.

Dear Joey,

I love you so much! You are with me always, you are never gone. You will always be my dear friend.

[myretransitiondiary]

This is me, 6 years off of testosterone (I was on Testosterone for 4 years beginning when I was 21 years old. These pictures are all from this month and also today lol.

[myretransitiondiary]

Well it's been a minute since I posted last lol. But hey, guess it's better late than never. Just wanted to post some updates about my health. I've been going to doctors pretty often to figure out what in the hell the deal is with my hormone levels. So far I've found out that I have very little estrogen or testosterone, and I've been referred to an endocrinologist (hormone doc) to figure out if it's possible for me to go on estrogen or not (but I was told probably not, apparently if you have ovaries and a uterus people are generally scared to prescribe you estrogen due to worries about cancer). So I'll report more as soon as I have my hormone doc appointment.

It's strange to think that I may not be prescribed estrogen and that this is the body Ill be living in for the rest of my life... Since I've been transitioning for a very large part of my life.

Anyway, I have made several moves since I last posted and I am ready to lay down roots and relax a little now. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, waiting for "something" to happen. Ig that has a lot to do with the "fight or flight" lifestyle I used to live for a long time when I was in a long-term, abusive relationship.

I'm in a different state from the rest of my family, well I'm on the other side of the country from them rather, with my partner. I miss my family dearly but the new family that I have formed with my partner, just the two of us, is a great one as well ☺️

[myretransitiondiary]

Hey guys! You may have stumbled upon my YouTube channel, @myretransitiondiary (same title as my tumbler). So. The term most widely used for someone like me who has transitioned and has also transitioned a second time seemingly to the gender they had been assigned at birth, is "detransition". I don't agree with this descriptive word for what I am lol. I transitioned twice, I didn't go back to "who I was". I never felt mostly female until after I was on hormone replacement therapy for over 4 years and that change happened in me at around that time. I wasn't sure what the reason was for this sudden change in how I viewed my gender identity, but then I came to the conclusion that the reason doesn't really matter. I never was female until about 8 years ago; at least that's how I see it personally. There are certain physical features that I have that read as male and will never go away, as well as my low voice. I don't care and I love myself the way I am now. It's not about the journey not the destination.

-Elizabeth P