needofventsmyguy

[needofventsmyguy]

Synopsis of my last 10 years of my life

I didn't get to be a pretty 18 year old.

I had just graduated highschool and ended up pregnant. I couldn't afford a higher education

I didn't get to be a care free 19 year old.

I had a baby. I couldn't work, childcare is too expensive.

I was 20, I didn't get to have a real bachelorette party.

I didn't want to be married, my family refused to help, his family didn't want to help unless we were married, my grandfather was dying and beginning to forget me.

I didn't get to be a drunk 21 year old.

I was though, I had an abortion and went through it alone and was turned into an emotional punching bag because it went against his morals, I had a friend die and couldn't go to his funeral because I also had 2 grandparents die and had to choose who's funeral to go to. I had a singular friend who made me feel like I was still okay who saved me from a suicide attempt and we haven't talked since.

At 22

Everything began to slow down and I stopped drinking. Another family member died and their funeral was on my birthday.

23

My child's behavior was odd but manageable until they broke my tooth. They got sent to therapies and began getting better. Pandemic.

24

Pandemic. Isolation, nobody around lose of friends.

25

Autism diagnosis for child, they start school.

26

Buy a house and move in

27

Child moves schools to one closer.

I am a normal 28 year old.

Married, currently 8 months pregnant, with a 9 year old and were I wouldn't change anything.

I resent how i got here and have never felt secure in who I am or in my relationship. I will never get to be who I wanted to be. I grieve that.

[needofventsmyguy]

It's that time of year again

[needofventsmyguy]

Can I have a different brain pls

This one is defective

[needofventsmyguy]

Losing my shit because I keep getting dating site ads. I am married.

2 months straight. No other kind of ad

Aside from on here. This is the only place I get a break from those fucking ads.

I have my filters set so I shouldn't be getting them at all but I keep getting them.

The only reason I could see why I'd still be getting them is if my husband is cheating which makes this even worst because of everything. If he didn't want me he should've told me before so I wouldn't have to have a second baby.

I am going to fricking crash out over this or am I already? I don't fucking know.

[needofventsmyguy]

Coming around with Eeyore vibes since 2005

[needofventsmyguy]

Personally

I don't know why I don't trust my husband. Maybe I just shouldn't.

Maybe I'm just projecting my issues, maybe I'm scared of trusting because I'm vulnerable in every way and he isn't.

My body is changing and his isn't.

Pregnancy does alot more on one person than the other, especially with the threat that I could die at any point.

People see me as used up anyways.

[needofventsmyguy]

Happy 10 years past my expected expiration date.

It's my birthday

I'm 28

[needofventsmyguy]

I just don't like looking at myself 🤷‍♀️

[needofventsmyguy]

Ick I have given myself the ick so

I have to get it out of my brain.

⚠️self loathing⚠️

I feel violently vulnerable. Pregnancy makes me too emotionally vulnerable and dependent on the people around me. I don't like it usually when I feel like this I have unhealthy coping mechanism I can lean on but I can't now because I am pregnant. It's not just how I'm feeling but the safety of someone else's life.

The body issues I've had before now are just quadrupled I don't even want to look at myself.

This is just the reality of being pregnant and mentally ill I guess

[needofventsmyguy]

Why is whatsapp on the computer?

I didn't put it there? Why is it there?

[needofventsmyguy]

I'm getting back into Dissociation babyyy.

Which means I'm going emotionally numb whoop whoop

Which is both 🥰 and 😬. I'll live tho

[needofventsmyguy]

I feel completely inadequate compared to porn.

I just have needed to actually say it somewhere.

I'm not good enough

[needofventsmyguy]

It's almost as if... my uncomfortably with my body and self image was self inflicted by... the early 2000s

[needofventsmyguy]

when will i receive a text like this...

[needofventsmyguy]

Do these feelings stop.

I fucking need them to

[needofventsmyguy]

10 posts!

[needofventsmyguy]

I miss male attention.

They'll oggle at anything except me because I'm not worth it

I don't want women's attention because I don't deserve to be observed.