nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 83, my undying love I hold it like a grudge

Like every night before Will barely slept, he'd fill his time with meaningless paper work just to stop himself spending every second staring at the bodies of his boyfriend and brother. They weren't dead, he drilled that into his mind just to keep himself sane, it was the truth though it never felt like it. He shoved three more panadol tablets down his throat, dry; he'd be fine, he'd gotten used to it. He still felt like shit, he always did, he didn't even know what it was from anymore. He was about to snap, all he wanted to do was cry, but he couldn't do that, he couldn't let it show. People expected him to be strong, to deal with it because well it was the only thing he was good at. If he couldn't take others pain he wasn't of use so he would take it, even if it made him feel like he was dying twelve times over. He just kept going, the same tasks every day, over and over again until he was numb to it, until he wished to feel the pain that like a ghost haunted his body.

They hid the bodies he held, the harsh breaking truth, every breath lost at every moment, every unsaid goodbye, death followed him like a shadow, it felt as if he laid in the Underworld day through night only he was the one to blame. Every day he'd done it if only for an extra hour of life, and as it slowly faded he stayed, never letting himself hide from the blinding reality, he only let himself cry at a body twice, his brothers and that was all. There had been more, there were always more, friends, other siblings, he never let himself show the pain if only to remain strong enough for those he would need to tell. Only when he was alone he would let himself cry. Then once again he would continue with the same tasks, paperwork that never ran out, checking in on patients that he was certain non-Apollo volunteers could handle; they used to never be there but after so many deaths they needed any help they could get. The mindless reorganisation which drove him slowly towards insanity strangely comforted him, sitting at the front, looking over files he'd memorised months ago, he would do it every day to distract his mind from the people he'd let down, he'd failed them all, every time the heartbeat stopped.

He could never stop, especially not now. When was the last time he'd even been in his own cabin? He thought back to the graffitied walls no one had tried to get off, unorganised sheet music covering floors with arrows stuck into the strangest places. That's what it used to be. Now the once bright and full cabin was near empty, sure new kids would always come but they were mostly young ones and they'd never stay for long. Now half worn away lines streak the walls, no one daring to erase the memories of those who'd drawn them, everything was sorted away, small bits of memorabilia in corners of the room, notches left in the wood treasured. The curtains hung shut, flowers that once bloomed, hyacinths, lifeless as the skeletons in his closet; his guitar untouched, stood in a corner. Instead of the ravens that once flocked to them, the roof was now covered in crows, murders, like those that took the life away from his cabin. He found himself back in Nico's room, he'd seemed almost peaceful, the rise and fall of his chest, shallower than it ever should have been yet for once it seemed as though he was comfortable maybe even free. Hours passed, or maybe they'd just been moments, he didn't know anymore. Minutes blended together and all he could do was sit there holding his hand, cold as ice but he still clung to the little hope he had left in him. The sun rose, light glaring at him through the dust covered windows, he just stayed there, unmoving because it was the only thing he could bring himself to do. Maybe he slept, he didn't really know, he couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a full nights worth of sleep, just short increments, usually as a result of not having time to get coffee. He hated how it tasted but it kept him awake long enough to work himself to death and that was all that mattered; it would all be worth it for an extra drop of life, one last goodbye.

"Will, we need to talk, right now." He snapped his head around, any sleep in his eyes left in an instant; his younger siblings voice was firm, not harsh but there was no way to avoid the conversation.

"What's going on?"

"Piper and I have been talking and we booked you a therapy appointment; you're not allowed to kill me, you need help in the infirmary." He took a breath, he wanted to be mad at them both but he knows he's been a wreck and how it looks but he'd be fine, he'd always be fine. He couldn't even afford to leave now because of Nico and Austin, he could, he didn't want to, important distinction which he would only make to himself.

"I can't leav-" Kayla cut him off.

"Yes, you can, I've got everything covered, you know I do. Austin's going to be fine, we already know that much, Nico hasn't changed, no one else is in dangerous conditions and I can handle a couple of new people, you know I can."

"What if something happens? I can't risk it."

"Will, you are going to go to this therapy session because in the nicest way you need it and you cannot keep prioritising others health over your own. When was the last time you slept properly? Or the last time you ate a full meal? You're a mess, you need some help because let's be honest anyone would snap under this amount of pressure."

"I'm fine Kay."

"Show me your arms."

"What the fuck?" How in the Hades did she even know? Piper, he guessed at first but she'd sworn to not tell anyone.

"If you're really fine show me your arms. You won't. Will I've know for months... I just couldn't let myself tell you."

"How many sessions do I have to go to?" Relief washed over their face, he would actually do it.

"Just one, it's at two today, I'll write down the address for you. Just a warning she doesn't know about demigods."

"Thank you, for everything." He meant it, no matter how much he didn't want to go the feeling of someone caring was nice.

"Are you going to go and talk to your mum after?"

"May- wait how do you even know about that? I swear I didn't tell you... did I? No I didn't, I would have remembered that."

"So I may or may not have seen the letter which you left open on the public desk that everyone has access to, horrible place to leave something private don't you think? Anyways I know the place is in New York and I know it opens at five so I just thought maybe this would be slightly more convenient and also give you less of an excuse to miss it...? "

"How am I not even surprised?"

"You love me."

"And every day I wonder why. Not that it is any of your business but I might just leave her waiting, I can't trust myself to not either fall right back into her arms or yell at her for an hour straight." Leave her waiting and hoping for hours like she did to him, make her realised he doesn't actually give a shit about her.

"Really? You have nothing to say to her?"

"I- can't, I mean... maybe but just. I'll see."

"Good luck."

"Thanks."

***

________

Guys I swear I’m trying I’ve just lost all motivation to do literally anything

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

I just saw someone on instagram refer to jegulus as 'the sun guy and his drowned bf' and that as what I shall call them from this day forth.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

james: you need to stand up for yourself, regulus!

barty: this iron deficient bitch will fall to the ground if he stands up

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

The hue of death (a marauders era fic)

Tw/ for attempted suicide, mentions of child abuse

Tonight he would finally be free, away from the darkness that would soon stain his arms like the scars that scattered there now, leaving their mark on his skin for the rest of time. He'd be free from the praise of awful things he'd done, be free from every part of his family, free from life itself. He spiraled up the stairs feeling almost nothing at all, he felt almost... hollow. It wasn't how he felt when he dragged a blade across his wrist, not anger or hatred, it wasn't red like the blood that he'd made fall. Rather it was grey, almost a peace to it, this was the end, all that hatred would be over soon, relief. Then again how much relief can you really have when your life had come to this point? He stepped into the owlery, running his finger over the folded parchment in his hand, black ink rubbed off on his hands, black like death that now felt so close and he was desperate for it. A single smudged word visible, Sirius. Would he even care? They'd barely talked for the last five years, even less after he left. It wasn't like he'd never tried, but as the years went on they became rarer; he didn't blame his brother for hating him, he hated himself too. White, hope, hope that he'd care, hope that he'd think of him, hope that he still thought of him as a younger brother.

"Hey Wither Wings," Regulus muttered, petting his owl gently. He hadn't named him after a star, he was meant to, his mother didn't like the name, if it were Sirius it would have been the Crucio but she'd always been kinder to him. The tawny owl nipped at him playfully, he actually managed to smile. The only moment of happiness he felt was with the owl, Evan and Barty were his friends sure, but they were all going through the same thing. It was almost like the took turns breaking down every time they were together, everything always felt like too much until they got drunk or high but then they never remembered the joy. He fed his owl a treat and let him climb onto his hand; yellow, not a bright yellow, not Hufflepuff yellow, more... muted. He was happy sure but it never lasted more than a moment; he rubbed away the tears that had fallen down his cheeks. He used to be happier, he used to have friends, he used to have a family. He'd shut Pandora out completely, Dorcas just watched him from the other side of the room, Evan and Barty were busy with their own problems, he and Andi hadn't even spoken in years, no one from a single other house would even look at him, only getting whispers about who they thought got the mark or if they had killed before, Sirius was probably disgusted by him. Why did this happen to him? What had he done to deserve this? He let out a psychotic laugh, he knew exactly what he'd done, everything she'd asked of him. Why could everyone else get a normal fucking life except him? Jealousy... pink.

"Could you give this to Sirius tomorrow? No earlier than tomorrow okay?" Wither Wings looked back, almost worried, almost like she knew. "Everything's fine." He wasn't sure why he was telling this to an owl, maybe he was convincing himself, still the owl looked worried, making sounds as if begging him to not leave. "Sorry I have to go, just, tomorrow okay?" He felt almost paranoid, as if his owl had known, he heard a noise and flicked his neck around to see what it was. What if someone had seen him cry? Or seen the letter, had his sleeve ridden up? He wasn't sure, he pulled it down anyway. Teal. There was no one there, just the wind, he tried to calm himself down any way he could. His breaths had become short and shallow, his heart rate high but he forced himself to keep walking, down the spiralling stairs that made his head spin, through corridors of sleeping paintings, barely able to see each step in front of him, guided by moonlight. He needed to get to the astronomy tower before someone saw him, he didn't know how much longer he could take it, everything always felt like so much. As he walked he saw the Slytherin common room, tears fell, uncontrollable yet silent, he refused to make a sound. He knew this would be one more thing for Ev and Barty to deal with but what else could he do? Not keep living, he had nothing to live for. From the day he was born he was something for her to use, a way to get what she wanted, her life had been at her command. Evan and Barty were strong, they had each other, they would be fine. He told himself they would be but even he doubted it, they were already almost always high or drunk, he wasn't sure how they'd react. Blue, blue like the tears that fell, blue for the pain and sadness. He hoped neither of them would follow him in this, he knew they both had scars but they were both braver than him. Again he forced himself to move, one step in front of the other, climbing stairs until it hurt to breathe, until every inch of his body ached, he had to reach the astronomy tower. Purple, orange, fear, anxiety. What would happen next? What would happen as the life faded from him? What would his mother think? He shut the thoughts away, it didn’t matter, he’d be gone, they couldn’t bring more pain to a corpse. He climbed over the edge, this was it. Grey again. He should feel something but all he felt was hollow, sure there was a peace to it, hollow didn’t feel like hell, still he wished he felt anything at all. He took his foot off the edge.

Wither Wings threw himself at the glass of the Gryffindor common room, scratching at it with his tallons, pecking at it, hoping someone would notice. Sirius Black shot awake, he'd always been a light sleeper, always ready to run. Noticing the owl at the window he unlocked and opened it. Reg's owl. Barely processing what was happening he pulled the letter from the owl, he doubted the contents would be good. By then the other three boys had been woken by the squawking; James had moved to sit next to him, yawning as he checked his watch. Remus was still sitting in his bed, rubbing his eyes, he wanted to go back to sleep but random owls in the middle of the night weren't normally a good thing. Peter didn't really care about that fact, he stuffed his head under his pillow and attempted to continue sleeping. James reached for his wand and muttered lumos, pointing the tip towards the letter. With shaking hands Sirius opened it, as he read the first line he froze.

"Mate what is-" He read the first line, 'Sirius, I'm sorry. If no one's found it yet my body will be at the base of the astronomy tower.' He couldn't bring himself to say anything, to try and comfort him or try and come up with some sort of answer for this, he forced himself to keep reading. 'It should be Friday morning, put this down and finish your breakfast before reading the whole thing.' It was still Thursday night. "Padfoot, run to the astronomy tower, you might catch him and be able to talk him out of it." Remus had pulled him into a hug, holding him as tears slipped down his cheek. "I'll set up some blankets and things in the common room, Moony run down to the kitchen and get anything that seems comforting. Wormy, go with him but be ready to run to the hospital wing if needed." The four boys were all very much awake now; Sirius just ran, unable to collect a single thought, spiralling up staircases, trying to prepare himself for the worst. He just wished he'd spoken to him. For years they'd barely talked, but he still loved him, he'd have dropped everything to make sure he was happy, for him to be safe. He couldn't start to imagine what he was going through with their family, with Voldemort, with a war he'd be fighting in for years and for years to come. He'd always hated what they did yet he'd played along because he never had another choice, he'd never had the choice he had. Part of him wanted to murder Evan and Barty for letting this happen, then again Reggie would have never let them find out. His breath was short, he almost debated turning into his animagus to run faster but he thought it wouldn't go well with moving stairs. His head was spinning but he just kept running since the astronomy tower just had to be on the other side of the school and the highest point as well. He hated himself for not reaching out, for not making sure he was okay, for never talking to him or trying to clear the air between them. He'd thought he was happy enough, he had friends, he had a family, he was smart, a prefect, good at quidditch, probably had a girlfriend he didn't know about but he'd been wrong and now there's a high chance his baby brother was dead. Tears flooded his face but he couldn't bring himself to stop, even for a moment to wipe them away. Regulus is probably dead. He couldn't save him, get him out, get him away from them and now he as dead. He should have made him follow him to James, made sure they stayed close, made sure they couldn't hurt him like they'd done to him before he left. All he'd ever done was leave him alone. Finally he reached the tower, palms sweaty, tears rolling down his face, breath short, preparing himself for the worst. He was still there. Regulus. He wanted to thank the God he didn't believe in; running up he grabbed his wrist.

"Reggie."

How was he here? He wasn't meant to know, no one was meant to know, not yet anyways.

"What the fuck?" He didn't even know what to think, a million thoughts ran through his head and he blocked them all out, trying to keep his mind silent.

"I'm not letting you do this." Violet, guilt, he should need his brother to save him, that's not his job. He didn't deserve to be saved.

"Fuck off Sirius, I'm done, I'm done with everything, this stupid fucking war, our family, my fucking life. I'm done, it broke me so leave me the fuck alone, let me die." Red, anger, harsh like then sound of his mother's hand against his brothers skin. Red like the words they'd yelled and every fight; red like blood he'd made fall from his arms. Red like love never had, red like the Dark Lord's eyes, red like Gryffindor, red like every emotion to strong for him to handle, red like the emotions he'd suppressed because he was meant to be the perfect child. Red like bravery he never had. He felt himself being pulled back and falling into his brother, Sirius wrapped his arms around him, holding him like he'd disappear if he dared loosen his grip. His face was wet with tears, but his breath was now deep, as if embracing life itself. White, red, blue, pink, teal, yellow, orange, purple, violet. Hope, anger, sadness, jealousy, paranoia, happiness, anxiety, fear, guilt; everything at once. Every colour he'd wished would leave him alone for a single moment flooded his vision, his head spun, everything started to blur and all he could focus on was his brothers arms wrapping around him and he held him back. Tears welled in his eyes, hands shaking in fear, he tried to focus on his breathing but his mind was running out of control. What would happen if his parents found out? What would Evan and Barty think? Would Sirius still want to save him if he knew everything he'd once done and everything he'd thought? He wanted to hate him for saving him, he didn't want to be saved; part of him was relived, happy even, though he knew that wouldn't last. Dread filled every bone in his body, what if this spread? People would find out how useless he really was, how weak, how pathetic.

"Come on, I'm taking you to my common room." With those words the colours faded, not completely gone but just a little lighter, he didn't stop to question how Sirius had know or anything else that had crossed his mind, he just let him hold his hand as they walked through dark and silent corridors. "Fortuna Major." He whispered at the grumbling painting, Regulus barely understood a word of what she was saying, as if every input from the outside had been blocked away from his mind and leaving him to be consumed by his own thoughts. "Reg, you coming?" Unable to speak another word he stepped forward.

Three boys stood, watching still through the darkness. James, Remus and Peter; they lurked in the shadows, uncertain of what they were meant to do next.

"Mate is-" There was no need for the question to be completed and no need for an answer, the two boys simply locked eyes and new the next words that would have been spoken. "Come on guys, they'll be alright together." While they were hesitant to leave they finally left the room, silent, their footsteps barely making a sound.

The Black brothers took up a space on the couch, Regulus had his head resting on his brother's shoulder. Finally his muscles relaxed, being around him always did that, he hated it, hated how even if they never talked he couldn't help but be comforted by him.

"Reg, you need to talk to someone."

"What?"

"I don't care if it's me or Evan or Barty or Pandora or Dorcas or Andi or anyone else just please, you need help." Tears were already rolling down his face, he held Regulus like he was the last thing on earth. The same way he held him when they were younger, when he was everything. He still is.

"Oh fuck off Sirius, I'll deal with it."

"Reggie. You just tried to kill yourself."

"If mother finds out she'll kill me." His words were barely a whisper, he was their heir, it would be a terrible reputation, she would push the knife right through his heart.

"Come with me." He sobbed, begging like he had every time before.

"You wouldn't say that if you knew half of the things about me."

"I don't care about what you did, it was all to survive them, that place, it's not your fault."

"It's not just that."

"Reggie, whatever it is, I'll always keep asking you to come with me, I don't care if you killed someone, none of it. I just want to keep you safe."

"I'm fucking gay." Why did he just say that? He finally had a way out, a way to get away from her. He broke down into tears, Sirius simply held him tighter.

"I'm not mother, I'll love you no matter what." He slipped his hand around his, squeezing it gently.

"I'm sorry-" He placed a finger over his mouth.

"Shhh, no apologies." Finally green flooded his vision, natural, safe, comfort, all things he hadn't feltin years. Almost warm in a way; he wished it'd last forever. Maybe he could do this, maybe there was a better ending.

"I love you." Regulus muttered as he fell asleep, dreamless and for once safe.

"I love you too Reggie."

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

percy: annabeth, come play soldiers with me

annabeth, fake chuckling: silly percy, it's not playing soldiers if we are soldiers

percy, with an over exaggerated knee slap and laughter: of course! how could i forget, we're literally child soldiers!

both: *glares at gods*

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

For writers that like hurting their characters

(you know who you are)

Any semi serious injury to the arms or legs can be fatal. If an artery is struck the person can bleed out in 2-5 minutes. If an artery is struck then blood will be violently spraying out of the body, as opposed to regular bleeding where the blood just leaks.

A way to stop severe bleeding is with a tourniquet. A proper tourniquet that you would expect to find in any trauma response kit, as using a shirt or anything in your environment as a tourniquet won't be very effective. The tourniquet should be placed a few inches above the wound, and tightened. The tightening process is going to be extremely painful, as it's clamping down hard enough to cut off the blood circulation. Important to note that a limb won't be at risk of being amputated unless the tourniquet has been applied for hours.

Another way to stop severe bleeding is wound packing. This is where you take gauze and fill up a wound with it. The point is to cover the area that's bleeding, so that you can apply pressure to the specific part of the body that's bleeding heavily. Applying pressure directly on top of where the blood is coming from should get it to stop, however this will again be painful for the victim.

Losing blood makes it harder to regulate your body temperature, so it's extremely dangerous to be losing blood in a cold environment. However, a victim can still get cold in warm areas from blood loss, so most trauma response kits will have specific blankets that will help the victim regulate their temperature.

Any wound that punctures the chest area is extremely dangerous. Air will begin filling into the chest cavity, which will leave the lungs with less room to expand. Eventually the lung or lungs will collapse from the lack of room, this is extremely painful. And this will all be even worse if the attack pierced a lung, which will be filling with blood. All of this will make it extremely hard to breathe. There are pads in a trauma response kit that you place over a chest wound, and they're designed to vent air out of the chest cavity while not letting any more air in. However lungs filling up with body fluids is not something you can treat on the field, and will require proper medical attention.

Getting clapped on the ears hurts and can disorient you.

Any impact to the nose will make the sinuses flare up and the eyes water, making a fight more difficult.

Any impact to the back of the skull can be fatal, or cause severe brain damage.

It's extremely easy to rip off a human ear.

The liver is located on the lower right side of the rib cage, it would be on your left side if you were looking at someone else's liver. Any impact there can put any person on the ground, as it's extremely painful to be hit there. Punches to the liver drop many professional boxers.

Kidneys are mostly the same, except they aren't protected by anything at all. Located in the lower back, the kidneys are completely unprotected from any attack. Any impact here can drop someone just like a liver punch. (I was in the gym one time and hit my kidney pretty hard on a bar and almost collapsed from the pain)

A proper punch is thrown in a way to where the knuckles are the only thing that make contact. This is so that all the force is being spread out across a much smaller area, increasing the damage to the victim.

Any impact to the neck can be fatal, and will make a person immediately start choking, making them completely open in a fight.

Removing anything that's impaled into a person will only make them bleed out faster.

Your body will force you to inhale right before drowning, which we all know it burns like hell to have water in your lungs. Plenty of people that have almost drowned have said that their body forced them to take a breath, even if there was no air to breathe.

The brain inhibits your full strength, as we're strong enough to completely rip our muscles. In times of need, the brain will let go of this limitation, basically granting you super strength. There's plenty of cases where someone was able to lift something off of someone, such as a lawn mower or car, but wasn't able to move it at all later on.

While you can live without water for a few days, maybe even longer than 3 depending on a bunch of factors, that is specifically "living". You can expect to see severe side effects of dehydration long before the person dies. Extreme kidney pain, headaches, hallucinations, dry skin, some organ failure ect.

paradoxical sensation is where you're so cold that you actually feel hot. Plenty of people have been in extremely cold environments and started removing their clothes, as they were so cold that they felt like they were burning.

The body will begin to eat itself if it's gone long enough with no food.

You have an extreme lack of depth perception with only 1 eye. You can test this out by walking around and doing tasks with only 1 eye open.

When blood and dirt and anything else gets in the hair, untangling the hair and straightening it out is extremely painful. It may even result in pulling some hair out, it might be better to shave it off if it's bad enough.

Any recent wounds sting when exposed to water, which makes taking a shower a nightmare when you have multiple of these on your body at once.

As popular as the trope is, consciousness has no effect on your survival. The "don't go to sleep" while a character is bleeding out doesn't really help, meaning you can let your character pass out or fall asleep while they're dying. This can lead to a character thinking they won't wake up while they're fighting off sleep, only to wake up in a hospital bed.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

people who don't experience hyperfixation don't know what it feels like to hyperfixate so much on something that it becomes not only your subject of obsession but also your source of happiness and literally the main reason why you still keep going; literal source of strength and life.

shoutout to my favorite fictional characters, favorite people, favorite ships, favorite movies, favorite tv shows, fanfics and archive of our own

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Ao3 does not need an algorithm, you're just lazy

Ao3 does not need a 1-5 star rating system, you just want to bring down authors writing for FREE

Ao3 does not need automatic censorship, it is an archive, therefore anything can be posted

Writing or reading about something illegal does not mean the author nor the reader condones it, if that were true, you could never read a story involving anything negative

Purity culture is ruining fan culture and you all are fucking annoying

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 82, you were beautiful and vulnerable and power and success

The roman preator walked towards Will, stepping through the rain as the sky dark behind her, head held lower than usual, almost unsure or even nervous.

"Will."

"Reyna? Hey, is everything alright?" He look towards her, drenched with red eyes as if she was tired or asleep. "Come under the cover, you're going to get sick." She obliged, standing next to him and leaning against the infirmary wall. They stood in silence for a moment, Will offering Reyna a cigarette which she declined.

"How's your brother?" She finally spoke, not the question she wanted to ask but just a bit easier of a question to ask.

"He's- fine, he'll be okay, he could be better but he won't die." The two returned to standing in silence, unable to bring out the words that layed on their tongues, they simply looked out to the rain, stood side by side. "Do you want to go inside? It's pretty cold and you're soaked."

"I'd rather stay outside, helps me think."

"Why'd you come here?" He studied the daughter of Bellona's face in the dark, she hesitated, every part of her showed it, fidgeting with her fingers, the sudden change in breathing, everything showed fear and discomfort.

"To talk to you." Simple answers, that's all she could give, she just couldn't bring herself to ask him, it felt so wrong, not just from what she'd been taught but just the fact that this was someone she barely knew.

"Has something happened? You're... tense." There had to be something going on, she was acting different. Normally Reyna would be straight to the point, it didn't matter what anyone thought because she was always confident, she knew what she was doing, what she was asking and the answer she needed, this time she seemed more personal, as if she didn't know her next move.

"Will I need to ask you something and it feels wrong but I don't know who else to ask." She'd said it, she wished she hadn't but she said it. She could have cried, some people would have, but the preator of Rome doesn't cry, Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano didn't cry, at least not in front of others.

"Reyna, breathe, it's fine, just ask." He prepared himself for the worst, something about Nico or his brothers or his life before camp; he would be fine.

"You're openly queer right? How the hell did you feel comfortable enough to tell that to all of camp?" Will took a sigh of relief, he'd expected a worse question but this he could answer.

"Yeah I'm bi; I guess I just... well I knew for a while, I think some of my siblings suspected it already and Annabeth already knew and my only thought at the time, why not? I mean mostly people here struggled with bullying so I kinda hoped there wouldn't be too much of a problem and I wanted people to know. I wanted to show other people it wouldn't be that bad and that they should feel safe.

"Do you... regret it?"

"No. Some people are always going to be shit, there's never that many anyways, I want anyone who's unsure of what they're doing to have someone to talk to. I can handle a few shitty people if it gives me a chance at helping others." At the start he did, it was hell, he hated every inch of himself. Chiron and Mr D never found out about that, he did everything in his power to hide it.

"Is there anything at camp, like to do specifically with the camp that helped? Sorry about all the questions." How? How could this even be possible? How was he so fucking comfortable with this stuff? She could never imagine herself announcing something like that to everyone, something so private and personal. Not that she was queer, at least that's what she tried to convince herself, yet a certain daughter of Zeus kept making her question that. She couldn't be, it was still wrong, unnatural. But why? Why had every person she'd met told her those same words?

"It's just... the people mainly. I mean Chiron reminds us every now an then that being queer is normal and that they won't tolerate any shit as well as the whole don't be scared to report people making you uncomfortable thing. Mr D doesn't really give a shit about anything so that never did much but like it's fine; most people just don't care honestly. You don't have to answer but I was wondering, why are you asking?" She took a deep breath in trying to guess the son of Apollo's reaction, confusion and shock with maybe a little anger.

"Before I tell you, you need to know camp Jupiter is very different to here. It's more an army than anything and it was way worse before Jason became preator." She looked him dead in the eye, but it wasn't threatening, more... guilt.

"Okay..."

"Being queer is currently illegal, it used to be punishment death but Jason got rid of that. He couldn't change any other part of it. Now I'm trying to remove the ban completey but I doubt it'll make any sort of difference when everyone's afraid of being harassed." She never mentioned she was the reason everything has been kept in place longer than it should have.

"Oh-okay..u.umm." He bit back the urge to yell or fight, Reyna didn't need that, she already looked like she was about to snap. "Good job on trying to make a change, I know it can be hard." He pushed through the words, trying to calm himself down before continuing. "Just try and make sure people feel safe y'a know?" She in fact did not, that house, Circe, pirates, Camp Jupiter, especially early on, had never felt safe. It was always a fight to survive, to just come out on top and not let yourself crack and break under the pressure, to live not to be alive. Never let anyone know who you are because that's just another thing they'll use to taunt you, hurt you and make sure they damage you beyond repair. They'd all always told her things, things to make sure she'd never stray from what they'd wanted, the perfect daughter, perfect model, perfect thief, perfect warrior and she obliged just to keep herself alive. That's what she was doing. To every single person at camp that's what she was doing, setting them up to be the perfect soldier, nothing less, nothing more, nothing that didn't seem perfect. It wasn't her place to tell them what they could or couldn't be, the same way it wasn't her dad's, or Circe's, or the pirates or every preator before her's job. She took a breath, fighting back the tears as she realised she'd become everything she'd hated, everything she'd sworn she'd never become. This wasn't for Thalia or Jason anymore, it was for her, it was to make sure no one ever felt the same as she did at camp. They were more than soldiers, they were people, they were people that deserved the closest to a normal life she could give them, they deserved better than what she had given them. They deserved to more than survive and they deserved the chance to not have to hide every part of themselves in fear.

"No, not really. That's why I'm asking you." She spoke in a low voice, she'd never really admitted that out loud. Was Jason the same? Is that why he joined the greeks? Because he was tired of living in fear and hidden codes and every harsh rule? Will put an arm around her, pulling her into a hug. Despite every instinct she didn't pull away or fight, it felt comforting and she realised just how touch starved she'd been her whole life. She'd probably been hugged by her sister when she was too young to remember but outside that? Maybe Nico once and that was it really; it almost felt wrong yet she let herself relax.

"I think you need to talk to everyone, tell them that it should have been changed ages ago, tell them it's okay and it doesn't matter what anyone else has told them." It was okay. It was okay to feel that way. For the first time she believed it. Not enough to even entertain the thought of Thalia Grace, who'd been running laps around her mind; she doubted she'd ever be ready for that. "Maybe make an effort for pride month, that might be comforting to people, shows them that you actually care."

"It won't help, not when it's been drilled into their minds that it's wrong. Even if people were comfortable enough to be... open about it, they'd get harassed or beaten to death by angry romans."

"Make sure there's an easy and anonymous way for people to report bullying, give them someone they can talk to, someone who could help them accept themselves and help them come out to those they feel comfortable knowing." She didn't think she could do that. She didn't see how it was possible to change something that had always been there, it's always been a rule there, told to them from when they'd first stepped foot in the camp. They'd loosened up after Jason still it was always there, eventually you'd be told some way or another and you were expected to stick to that rule perfectly.

"I'll try, I don't really know what I'm doing but I'll try."

"That's the most important thing."

***

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 81, you’re just as naïve as I am

The son of Apollo stared out into the rain, a cigarette in his hand, leaning on the wall of the infirmary. Austin would be fine, he made sure of that before letting himself breathe, even for a moment. He'd avoided actually using his powers in fear of passing out, he could have gotten it done faster but he wasn't going to risk it; he had a few bad cuts but it was mostly exhaustion and dehydration. He would preform more test to be safe when he was awake and had something to eat but he seemed stable and he had people watching him. Normally he wouldn't have left himself take this break, there was always something to be done in the infirmary, someone to watch over, new patients, paperwork; still, he needed this. As time ticked closer the closer it got to a week after he got that letter, a week until he saw his mother, Naomi Solace. Seven years ago, that was the last time he'd seen her, before camp, before the hell he called his aunts house, before surviving two wars and seeing the dead bodies of just about all his siblings, back when his life was normal. When he had a mother that cared, when he didn't need painkillers to live, when he wasn't responsible for the lives of everyone in camp. He still remember when he used to write the letter to her every day, then every week, then every month until he just stopped. Finally after over half a decade she wrote back. He didn't need her anymore, he was raised by the camp if anyone asks. He loved his mum before he realised she'd left him, she'd abandon him to go do fuck knows what for fuck knows what and he decided he didn't give a fuck. He'd go there and yell, tell he every word he's wanted her to hear, make her regret never trying to talk for all those years. He'd tell her how she used to be great before that night, just how bad that place was. They'd feed him enough to barely keep him alive, hit him, yell, kick him out on random nights only to lecture how good he had it and how his mother was useless. Maybe they were right about that, it does seem pretty fucking useless of a mother to abandon her nine year old son and never say a word. He tried to bring himself to get back inside and do something, anything, yet his body wouldn't litsen.

Will just stared out to the stars, perfectly still as his thoughts ran for miles. Maybe there was an explanation for all of this, the world, why it was the way it was, why so many things would happen all at once, why the pain would never endyet joy was so short lived. He let himself think what life would have been like if she'd never left him there. Would he have ever found camp? He thought of the things he wanted to tell her that she didn't deserve to know about him; the two wars he'd lived through, the people he'd lost, about his friends at camp that had become closer to family, Nico, the nights he'd wished he wasn't alive, every nightmare haunted by the faces of siblings he didn't even get a chance to save, evenings around the camp fire. She had no right to know shit about his life if she clearly wanted no part in it. For one of the first times in his life he wanted to talk to his dad, Apollo wasn't around much, none of the gods really were, he hoped he cared, he needed someone that cared, he needed someone to tell him that things would go well tomorrow, that he didn't owe her anything, that it wasn't his fault he got left behind because it felt it was. It was like every curse had layed itself upon him and all he could do was hope and pray, hope that everything he'd tried to hard to keep balanced wouldn't fall apart and crack under the pressure of a hundred fears. He expected his breath to shake or his heart rate to change but still he remained the same as he stared to the stars and moon, the world spinning infinitely and feeling so helpless as everything changed around him. The thoughts of perfection and never being enough racing through his mind; if you're not what they want you to be then they'll hate you for it. He thought about how he could even begin to start the conversation tomorrow, what do you say to someone who you have so much but at the same time nothing to say to. Would she try and act like nothing ever happened? He wasn't sure he'd let her even try, a part of him wanted his mother back, the one that made the most of every day and would always make him smile but he knew she was the person that abandoned him. If she cared she would have tried to reach out, said a single word, at least tried to say something over all these years. What would he even do when he saw her? Would she look the same? Would she even recognise him? He'd told Nico he'd dye his hair back if he ever saw her, would it even matter? The son of Apollo no longer cared about what his mother might want, about their history, about her, yet he knew that when he saw her again all reason would leave his mind and he'd fall back into her arms, allowing the past to fade simply to not have to handle it anymore.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

oops! it seems i tripped and dropped several million free books, papers, and other resources

https://annas-archive.org

https://sci-hub.se

https://z-lib.is

https://libgen.is

https://libgen.rs

https://www.pdfdrive.com

https://library.memoryoftheworld.org

https://monoskop.org/Monoskop

https://libcom.org

https://libretexts.org

http://classics.mit.edu

https://librivox.org

https://standardebooks.org

https://www.gutenberg.org

https://core.ac.uk

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

James: is that my sweater?

Regulus, looking down confused: no? I stole this from Barty

Barty: oh well I stole it from Evan

Evan: it's not mine, I got it from Panda

Pandora: I borrowed it from Dorcas

Dorcas: I got it from Marlene

Marlene: .... I may have stolen it out of Mary's closet

Mary: only because I stole it from Lily first

Lily: don't look at me I borrowed it from Remus

Remus: I only had it because I thought it was Sirius'?

Sirius: oh shit, I did steal that from you Jamie

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

🌟 A Plea from Gaza: Rola’s Story 🌟

Hello, my name is Rola, and I am a mother of two children living in the Gaza Strip. Our lives were once filled with love, laughter, and dreams for the future. But everything changed on October 7th, when the war shattered not only our home but our entire world.

That morning, my family and I were enjoying coffee together on the balcony. Out of nowhere, an explosion erupted, shaking our home violently. My husband and son ran for cover, falling over each other in panic, while I stood frozen, still holding my cup, unable to process the chaos around me. When I looked out the window, I saw that our neighbor’s house, once filled with life, had been reduced to rubble. Ambulances rushed to the scene as people scrambled to rescue the injured and pull bodies from the debris.

The bombings didn’t stop. At night, the rain poured heavily, and the cold seeped into our bones. I stayed awake, covering my children to keep them warm and praying for their safety. But safety is an illusion here. Another explosion shattered the night, and our neighbors’ home was destroyed. Their children, who had been sleeping peacefully under a blanket, were found lifeless, their cover soaked in blood.

I looked at my children with tears in my eyes and thought, How can I protect you? We had to flee our home with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We left behind my children’s toys, their clothes, and their beautiful bedroom. Everything we had worked so hard to build is gone.

Our Current Reality Now, we are displaced and living in a nightmare. Food is scarce, and prices are unimaginably high—$10 for a kilo of sugar! The fear of death hangs over us constantly. My children deserve a life of joy and hope, not one defined by fear and loss. Why can’t we live like everyone else—go to work, visit family, and watch our children play in safety? Why do our children have to grow up surrounded by death and destruction?

How You Can Help I am pleading for your kindness to help us rebuild our lives. We need your support to: 💔 Rebuild our home, so my children can feel safe again. 🌍 Evacuate from Gaza, seeking a future where my family can live with dignity. 🩺 Provide urgent medical care for my children, who need protection from this nightmare.

Even the smallest donation can make a difference. If you can’t donate, please share my story. Every share brings us closer to hope.

What Your Support Means Your kindness is not just about helping us survive; it’s about giving us a chance to dream again. To rebuild what we’ve lost and to ensure my children have a future filled with possibilities, not fear.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Your support means the world to us. Let’s work together to rebuild hope, one step at a time.

🌸 Please share our story and consider donating today. 🌸

Together, we can create a better tomorrow. 🌍❤️

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

I'm Chinese, so I wonder if non-Chinese understand

that in the Chinese version of Disney’s Mulan, the fake name she gives is “Ping”, but her family name “Fa” in English is “Hua” in Chinese, therefore her full name is “Hua Ping”, which is literally “Flower Vase”, and that’s why Shang is so bewildered because it’s a silly name.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Will headcanon time!!

So, you know how Will specialises in Healing? and how the Snake is the symbol for healing?

I headcanon WIll absolutely loves snakes, and can understand them. And snakes love him.

So just imagine one morning Will and Nico were walking peacefully in the woods yk sappy teenage couple things. And Nico finds a snake, he shows it to Will and the snake just slithers up to Will, Will holds out his hand and the snake just latches himself onto Will, Nico makes a joke saying "i think he likes you" and Will stares him dead in the eye and goes "She said shes a girl," and then Will explains how he can understand snakes, with snakes being the symbol of healing.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]